Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

not allowed to phone my sister.

64 replies

Babieseverywhere · 24/08/2009 16:36

My mother has told me I am not to ring or visit my sister, as she now home recovering from having her first child.

Baby born Saturday morning, I visited (her in hospital without my kids) with my parents on Saturday afternoon.

I thought this was reasonable enough, as my sister will be tired and need a rest. But my DH think my mother is being evil and controlling

I said Mumsnet will agree with me.....

--------
PS. My DH wants me to add that my mother is looking up breastfeeding advice on the internet and telling my sister what she thinks is relevent whilst telling her that it is alright if she wants to give up breastfeeding.

I don't feel this is very supportive.

My sister made it clear that she wants to breastfeed and wants support to this end. My sister chucked my parents out of her cubical in hospital on Saturday, as she wanted my help to latch her baby on (I'm nursing my two children over the last 3 years and fairly well read on breastfeeding) I suspect this upset my mum.

OP posts:

throckenholt · 24/08/2009 16:57

I would ignore your mum and ring your sister and see how she is getting on, and ask if she needs any help getting breastfeeding started.

It can be hellish and a sympathetic ear from someone who has done it may be exactly what she needs.

DearHusband · 24/08/2009 16:57

@thesecondcoming

It speaks volumes that BE's mum has been telling her not to talk to her sis about feeding at all, for days before the birth. On the trip over repeated her instructions and the first thing her sis said was "bugger off mum, I want to speak to BE about breast feeding".

Original poster

Babieseverywhere · 24/08/2009 17:00

I have sent her her a text and I will wait for her response if any.

I don't want to ring, she might have the baby sleeping or be resting herself.

I am surprised that so many people agreed with my DH (i.e. Saying I should ring), interesting to get other people's opinions.

OP posts:

GoldenSnitch · 24/08/2009 17:01

Sounds like BE should ring her sister....

DearHusband · 24/08/2009 17:01

For my tuppence worth. I cannot understand any circumstance where it would be appropriate for a mother to forbid one adult sibling to phone another. Its just bizzare.

Original poster

Babieseverywhere · 24/08/2009 17:03

BTW 'DearHusband' is my DH.

OP posts:

littlenamelessunrememberedacts · 24/08/2009 17:04

what is all this "beak the fuck out" and "butt out" stuff? why so aggressive?

it sounds to me as though the OP's sister wants to breastfeed, it's important to her and the OP can give support and advice that will be welcome and appreciated.

And if the sister is capable of saying "bugger off mum" she is capable of saying "thanks BE but I want to be on my own for a bit now, come over in a few days" if necessary

I'm not trying to paint your mum as a villain but she does sounds as though she feels entitled to engineer the relationships in the family a bit, which isn't on when your children are adults. You don't have do upset her, just quietly sidestep her - give your sister a ring, say "mum though you might want to be left alone, but I wondered if you wanted company/a bit of hand-holding while you get your feeding started"

no harm done!

RumourOfAHurricane · 24/08/2009 17:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

LovelyLulu · 24/08/2009 17:18

When I had my ds I really valued my sister's help, she reassured me no end having breastfed twice.

I think there is no harm in phoning your sister, a very short call just to let her know you are there for her, or as saintmaybe says, even a card, she will know she can ring you when she needs to. I remember ringing the breastfeeding counsellor in tears not knowing what was normal and what wasn't normal. Did your mum breastfeed? Perhaps she is feeling insecure and wants to be as helpful as she can, with the looking up stuff on the internet and is feeling protective.

KateMess · 24/08/2009 17:22

I wish I had a sister who had been bfing for years to help me...

LovelyLulu · 24/08/2009 17:48

Sorry Babieseverywhere, just read your post about sending a text to her. Good idea.

MmeLindt · 24/08/2009 17:53

I wish I had had someone to help with BF, I might not have given up after 6 weeks if I had had a sister to support me.

I am with your DH on this one, BE. Your Mum, as lovely as she may be, should let your sister decide how much contact she wishes to have. It is not your Mum's decision, however well meaning it is (trying to see the positive in your Mum's actions)

Grandhighpoohba · 24/08/2009 17:58

Agree with dearhusband, tis a bit odd, to be issuing instructions to your grown up children about when they can speak to others. Suggestions yes, instructions no. Not "allowed" to speak to your sister? I thought when I opened this post, that there was some sort of Court Order.

Do what you think is right.

lowlandlady · 24/08/2009 18:01

Just ask your sister - she's the one that matters here not your mother! imho

Veggiemummy · 24/08/2009 18:37

I think there are some ishooz here between family members and your sister is getting stuck in the middle at a time when she really doesn't need it. Send the text but if you and your mum could just give it a rest for a week that would help. Your DH may well be right but just leave it for now. Also did your mum BF you, if she didn't she may have some unresolved stuff with that and she's putting it onto your sister.

Babymooning, is when the immediate family spend the first week cocooned at home with lots of quiet nudey cuddle time. It's a lovely time, best spent at home rather than out tilling the fields, walking 10 miles in the snow for water and standing in line for bread as the previous generation of tutting mums did!

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 24/08/2009 18:42

What would you do if your mother hadn't said anything?

msrisotto · 24/08/2009 18:43

Hi, I'm agreeing with your DH - you two are too old to be dictated to by your mum like this and i also can't think of a situation in which it is ever appropriate for a mum to forbid her children from phoning one another. How odd. Sadly she sounds very jealous and controlling.

Veggiemummy · 24/08/2009 18:45

Oh sorry I missed about a million post because I didn't refresh before I sent that. My post also made it sound like you should give family ishooz and dynamics a rest, I actually meant your mum should. It feels a little like she is kind of trying to steal your sisters thunder, trying to make problems out of nothing. Though I think if anything you could distract your mum for a few days to take the heat of your sister. Not sure if that makes sense?

KEAWYED · 24/08/2009 18:49

I would have been upset if I didnt receive at least a text from my brothers, luckily they were straight down to see me.

You cant go wrong with a text then she can reply in her own time.

GirlsAreLoud · 24/08/2009 18:55

Sorry, forget DH, what is your opinion, honestly? Sounds like, in the nicest possible way, you need to think for yourself a bit more and stop worrying about what other people tell you you should be doing (i.e. your mother and your DH).

Pacita · 24/08/2009 18:56

I had my first child last september, and I felt overwhelmed. Loved it, adored my baby to bits, breastfed successfully (and am still at it), but I would have SO loved some close relative like a sister (which I don't have) to be there so that I could ask all the stupid questions that bamboozle a new mother: why does the baby prefer one breast and not the other, how do you know he's had enough, is it normal that the umbilical stump is smelly, how do you bath the thing without it going down the drain - and that's just about the baby. I also wanted to discuss what was going on with my body and how to deal with it (stitches, lochias, saggy belly, hormonal rollercoasters and sudden tears)... The list goes on.

If she's anything like me, she'll love, nay, need, someone she trusts implicitly and knows about these things to talk to. A sister beats a HV hands down, IMO.

curiositykilled · 24/08/2009 19:04

I think I would text your sis - a text won't disturb her as much as a phone call. Just asking if what your mum said about giving her space was right. Not in a way that'd undermine your mum or make your sis feel pressured to see you, just to check because it sounds like you'd be a useful person to support her with breastfeeding and this is important support she might needlessly miss out on if your mum really is wrong about her wanting you to give her space. I'd say something like - "Hope you're doing well. If you need anything at all just let me know. Understand if you need space but feel free to get in touch anytime of the day. Know how difficult the feeding can be in the beginning, you're doing so well. x"

If you or DH are unsure about your mother's motivation in suggesting you don't visit your sis then it is probably wise to just check. She might be struggling with your mum's involvement and wanting to see you. You never know.

curiositykilled · 24/08/2009 19:05

sorry, missed your post that you had texted sis. lol

diddl · 24/08/2009 19:07

I would let her know that you are there for her & would love to go round when it´s OK with her.

forehead · 24/08/2009 19:21

Your mothers behaviour seems really strange imho. Just ignore her and PHONE your sister. If she doesn't want to talk i'm sure she will let you know. Mum sounds like a control freak.

Flip

1 2 3