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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to resent my dh having another night out when I'm stuck here?

38 replies

Spidermama · 22/08/2009 23:41

I know I probably am being unreasonable but I don't fucking care. I'm very sad.

DH has been away on tour since June with just 1.5 days a week where he gets home.

I was invited to go to a friends 40th birthday party at The Grand Hotel in Brighton tonight. That's the fucking Grand Hotel. I have never been invited to a party there before and probably never will again.

Well clearly I'm not at the Grand tonight as I couldn't get a babysitter. Apart from anything else I have four children to look after, feed, cook for, launder for etc etc, on my own, so I could only devote so much time to getting a babysitter and failed.

Anyway, DH has so far had three nights out this week, two meals in restaurants with family and a works fancy dress.

I'm fucked off in the extreme. I feel very hard done by. He knew I was stuck here and unable to go to The Grand. He could have tried to help don't you think? He could have made a couple of calls. I'm constantly working non stop here. That fuck pig could at least have kept me in his thoughts.

I called him this evening to talk about plans for next week when he'll be at least partially home (I'mn trying to organise a cmaping trip and a party we're having but need his cooperation) and he brushed me off saying, 'Er ... Oh it's you ... well I'm just sitting down to dinner with my mum ...'

So I ring off, and then he doesn't trouble to call again. I call him several times and he ignores my calls.

I'm exploding with the injustice of it all.

I practically had to give up my career to he could be on call to take any acting job which may or may not come up.

OP posts:
Tortington · 22/08/2009 23:43

yes, its ver unjust and totally pants. thee is a total lack of thought, respect and love in these actions.

you really need to tear him a new arsehole

Penthesileia · 22/08/2009 23:47

YANBU. That is deeply, deeply unfair.

How on earth did he manage to arrange 3 nights out this week and - effectively - not allow you to take your night out? How did it get to that stage? 3 nights out, and you don't get 1? You shouldn't need a babysitter: your DH should be looking after your kids right now.

Am very and for you.

However, you know, don't you, that you have to lay down the law from now on. If he keeps on getting away with this, you'll just resent him more and more, and that wouldn't be good.

Mumcentreplus · 22/08/2009 23:51

Make sure you confront him and give him a good cussin..sorry you are so

Original poster
Spidermama · 22/08/2009 23:52

Great advice Custy.

If I ever dare bring up the thing about how my work and home life suffers because of the chaotic nature of the acting business I always get the same old line about how I knew he was an actor when we married blah blah fucking blah.

When we married I was 23 with no kids and great employment prospects.

Now I'm 43 with 4 kids and an inability to commit to any job as I might be left all alone for a month or two while he journeys around in the name of his art.

The Grand. Huh! There was free food too. Instead of sampling the work of the caterers at the grand I'm shoveling back leftovers from my crap overstretched cooking again.

He owes me. I need to work out a (low cost) way to get my tanks filled so I can feel better than this.

OP posts:
MaryMotherOfCheeses · 22/08/2009 23:56

Hmm. Is he normally so self centred?

I can appreciate your anger. I'd be pissed off too.

Tortington · 22/08/2009 23:57

i'll get shit faced any time you like

even at the grand - we went there for a meet up once with cam. we can do it again!

Original poster
Spidermama · 22/08/2009 23:58

Penth he can't look after them as he's 200 miles away doing a show or two a day and being catered for by expert chefs for every meal and having his clothes laundered by the hotel which he has paid for him by the production company. That's when he's not dining out with family or at a fancy dress do.

Fucking arse could at least have taken the time to look after his wife and hire a babysitter or at least try.

What's extra annoying is that I called him to chat about our impending party (having a back to school disco on last day of hols) and about our cmaping trip next weekend -- and he didn't answer. I called about 7 times in an hour (I know I know. Scarey bunny boiler behaviour) and he didn't answer. He admits he could hear the phone buzzing away but didn't trouble his arse to answer cos he was driving. His mum would have heard it buzzing away too. He usually either answers while driving or pulls over so the fact he ignored me seven times over, in front of his mum, is making me seeth. It feels so disloyal.

OP posts:
Original poster
Spidermama · 23/08/2009 00:00

Custy what a fantastic idea. That would heal the Grand wound. Is it a fiver for a glass of wine though?

He knows he owes me. I have hung up on him. Bastard was trying to tell me I should have sorted out a babysitter. He knows I tried.

OP posts:
skybright · 23/08/2009 00:01

I take it he works pretty far away from you and could not have stayed in tonight. If there was anyway possible that he could have cared for the kids i would be so so so pissed off. Even if he could'nt he should have helped you by making some calls to organise someone else to babysit.

trefusis · 23/08/2009 00:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

skybright · 23/08/2009 00:02

ahh,crossed post..i would'nt phone him anytime soon,if he is anything like my OH the silence would unsettle him.

Original poster
Spidermama · 23/08/2009 00:02

That's what I said to him Skybright. I told him he should have made calls to help and he should.

Too busy lording it up as a single man.

I would caution anyone planning on marrying an actor. Acting will always be more important than wife and family.

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 23/08/2009 00:04

Argh another creative self-absorbed twat.

You have to work out a way between you that enables you to have a life when he is off doing his thing.

Please tell me that he at least pays into a pension for you so that you are not totally finacially fucked by having no career yourself?

Original poster
Spidermama · 23/08/2009 00:07

No pension AliB. We're pretty much hand to mouth.

That's another thing which has been stressing me out.

OP posts:
Tortington · 23/08/2009 00:08

i can't remember how much the booze is. maybe we could start off there in luxury, have a cream tea in the conservatory bit and then fuck off and get pissed

noddyholder · 23/08/2009 00:11

Aw Spider thats rough!I could have babysat for you You are the 2nd actors wife I have heard in this situation

Original poster
Spidermama · 23/08/2009 00:16

Thanks Noddy and Custy. Let's organise a Leo Sayer glass of wine at the Grand then move onto somewhere cheaper or on the beach with a bottle in a brown bag, before the weather gets too bad.

'is Nibbs is off again in November for a full month of carefree revelling doing his art in the Baltic States. There'll be no DH for the entire month of November. They're going to dub over his voice, crapply enough, for the shows over there.

I can't fight this as, funnily enough, noones offering me any shifts in November.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 23/08/2009 00:24

you shouldn't have given up your career for him,martyr doesn't sit well now does it?
what were you thinking putting him above all else?not having ago wondering why you sacrificed self for his gain.as a couple you make deals?compromise?Non

he is off hamming it around - you stuck with chores and the children..how does that work

scottishmummy · 23/08/2009 00:36

he is well paid job he should have hired agency childcare and treated you to dinner too

Original poster
Spidermama · 23/08/2009 00:38

I didn't conciously plan to give up my career SM. It just happened incrementally.

OP posts:
Tortington · 23/08/2009 00:42

paper bag on beach i can do!

scottishmummy · 23/08/2009 00:43

yes i can see it would happen,actors are demanding and driven

but you know what you put food on the table in hard times and well he should repay faith that to you

what is the grand?is it swish?why hasn't he booked agy nannies and got you there glammed up?

Original poster
Spidermama · 23/08/2009 00:51

The Grand is the big posh hotel in Brighton which was once bombed when Thatcher and co were there. If you are old enough you'll remember TV footage of Norman Tebbit in his pyjamas being rescued after the IRA bomb there.

Basically it's very posh. One of my old friends who used to be a poor artist but has made it very big, is having his birthday bash there. They've got all sorts of entertainments, and did I mention free food, organised. But I'm here.

Still. No to dwell. Am now planning Pringles and paper bags on the beach and thread pertaining to the event.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 23/08/2009 00:59

ok clear on grand.never heard of it(sorry) gosh what a contrast,he enjoys hospitality you not present

long term where does thisn go?
is he aware of your malaise
between jobs does he help out with his children

no easy answers,acting is demanding and driven
what is for you,does he meet your needs

Original poster
Spidermama · 23/08/2009 01:16

When he's here he cooks and does diy. He's a hard worker generally but the fact that he can just eff off at the drop of a hat because of his art pisses me off badly.

I need to work out a way to get him to support me in my search for work. My youngest is about to start school. I'm 43. I need one last push to reinvent myself and my career before it's too late.

OP posts: