to resent my dh having another night out when I'm stuck here?

[Spidermama]

I know I probably am being unreasonable but I don't fucking care. I'm very sad.

DH has been away on tour since June with just 1.5 days a week where he gets home.

I was invited to go to a friends 40th birthday party at The Grand Hotel in Brighton tonight. That's the fucking Grand Hotel. I have never been invited to a party there before and probably never will again.

Well clearly I'm not at the Grand tonight as I couldn't get a babysitter. Apart from anything else I have four children to look after, feed, cook for, launder for etc etc, on my own, so I could only devote so much time to getting a babysitter and failed.

Anyway, DH has so far had three nights out this week, two meals in restaurants with family and a works fancy dress.

I'm fucked off in the extreme. I feel very hard done by. He knew I was stuck here and unable to go to The Grand. He could have tried to help don't you think? He could have made a couple of calls. I'm constantly working non stop here. That fuck pig could at least have kept me in his thoughts.

I called him this evening to talk about plans for next week when he'll be at least partially home (I'mn trying to organise a cmaping trip and a party we're having but need his cooperation) and he brushed me off saying, 'Er ... Oh it's you ... well I'm just sitting down to dinner with my mum ...'

So I ring off, and then he doesn't trouble to call again. I call him several times and he ignores my calls.

I'm exploding with the injustice of it all.

I practically had to give up my career to he could be on call to take any acting job which may or may not come up.

what is YOUR dream your ambition
how can you realise it,what would make it achievable
how could your dh help you
are you solvent enough that he pay your uni fees/childcare when at uni/college
is he aware of your justifiable frustrations

i think shes already more than qualified, but she needs time.

i think you should just tell him that 2010 - is your year - you come first - he can persue things but the family is his responsability - you get 2010

you speak for her?

no i don't speak for her, i apologise if thats how it came across. the confusion may have been 'i think' was meant as 'i think' as in i am not 100% sure.

spidermama and i have met.

i understand

Dhs pissing off and having their work take priority is fine in my book as long as they are bringing home most of the money.

If they are not then that is bad news.

My life and work have to take second place to dh's {and I have a really good job that I love} as he is self employed and works abroad.

But he keeps us going in style and is great when home.

Not surprised you feel pissed off.Ignoring the phone is not on either.

God, SM, 4 children under the age of 5 ? No wonder your career hasn't come first.

I feel on your behalf, but I don't suppose that helps a lot.

Does he ever look after all the children on his own ? Methinks you might just have to try and bugger off one day (present it as a fait accompli) so he can see what hard work it is.

Just got through to my tired brain that your youngest is going to school, not your oldest ......

Still, 4 children .......

I'm a bit confused (I'm easily confused...)

is he based at home this week, and going out 3 times (i.e. actually leaving you in the house when he could be staying in with the children) or is he 200 miles away on tour having these nights out, when he couldn't physically stay with the children..??

If he is leaving your home to go out, then YANBU in any way...

If he is on tour, and going out, where he couldn't be at home anyway, then whilst you have every right to be narked at him living the life of riley, thats the nature of the beast really.

My DH went through a phase or working in a foreign country Mon - Fri. He was out for meals etc a lot when he was there. Nothing I could do about it. Yes, I was stuck at home, but there was really nothing I could do. However when he was at home at the weekends and THEN went out, THAT really narked me...

You honestly didn't have a chance to arrange a baby sitter because of the feeding, laundry etc...you need to look at your time management. AND you need to set up some structures for yourself, even if that is a paid agency that you are happy with. You need either a babysitting circle, a local trusted Mum friend, or some of the nursery nurses from your local college, or a paid agency, so that you only need to make a couple of calls (max) and you are covered.

Hiring a nanny sounds like a good option, if you are desperate to get your career back on track and have good earning potential.

With 4 kids and a DH working unpredictable patterns a nanny is the most economical solution.

There's got to be give and take in any relationship - ok, you knew he was an actor when you married and had kids together, but blimey, no partner should feel that they've had to totally give up their entire career prospects and earning capacity for the other partner. No way would that lead to a fulfilling life for most people.

Talk to your DH ASAP and make it clear you need some changes in your life.

i'll drink with you any time Spidey x

Spidermama - I totally agree that this is a rubbish situation and feel very sorry for you but I think what is really necessary for you to have some kind of long term strategy.

He is correct in his assertion that you were aware of his career choice when you married and you've got 4 children together. I really think you need to do something to even up your relationship and to help you keep your sanity but getting very angry at him and being so demanding and upset is just going to undermine your relationship.

It's not really his fault you couldn't go on your night out. Yes, he could've and perhaps should've been expected to help but he probably spends so much time out of the home that he has no concept of either the work that you do or what you need. It sound like you need to spend some time together and you need to think of ways you can get a bit of respite regularly. What about a gym with a creche?