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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to object to this after work drink?

67 replies

motherlovebone · 21/08/2009 10:12

last friday eve DP was not contactable for two hours (was expecting him home at 7ish, at 9ish i got through and he was waiting for his train) he had been for a pint with a colleague. i was fuming, and said he must tell me beforehand. this morning he informs me he may be going for a drink after work, i objected.
i am already on my own for 12 hours, this takes it to 14.
i dont want this friday night drink to become a weekly thing.
AIBU?

OP posts:

MrsBadger · 21/08/2009 10:48

so you are not 'on your own for 12h' then?

curiositykilled · 21/08/2009 10:49

I'm not sure it should be 'OK as long as you get your time off' I think it should just be 'OK'. One little drink after work once a week is a good way to unwind. The OP needs to consider what she needs to unwind and take steps to get that for herself but her DH's unwind time should not be dependent on her making time for herself. If they were both going out a lot then there'd be more of a need for balancing 'time off' equally.

jeminthepantry · 21/08/2009 10:51

YABU- sorry but you are....it seems to be what most people are saying too. Get a grip woman

mustrunmore · 21/08/2009 10:55

If you were totally alone with the kids, no adult contact, then I'd see how desperate you'd be for him to get home and help out/take over; I've been there with two little ones. But its not even every day, its only a Friday night.And its only two hours. Thats almost the time it takes dh just to get home each day! His journey is 1.5hours each way, and then he goes to the gym every evening too, gets home, I go to gym, I get home about 9.30 or 10, and we have an hour together before we sleep.

violethill · 21/08/2009 10:56

Ah right, so you're not actually 'on your own' for 12 hours. You're at home with a bf child and plenty of friends to see and things to do.

Yet you resent your husband having a bit of social time after work when he's out 12 hours a day earning?

I agree, you need to get a grip. Whatever you say, it sounds as though you are too dependent on your husband and resentful of his life outside the home.

You really need to sort out your issue here, because if I were your DH I'd be mightily pissed off at being treated like another child.

Lizzylou · 21/08/2009 10:58

Sorry, another YABU
He should have told you last week, but this week he has forewarned you.
I love it when DH goes out, I get to chill in peace and watch crappy soaps/MN.

Why don't you have a night in the week where you go out? Gym/Bookclub/Pub/meal out with friends, whatever floats your boat.

FWIW when I was pg and working fulltime I stopped going on the after work drinks and felt like I missed out on a lot. I felt really left out and out of the loop. It's only 2 hours, but good for your DH to catch up/gossip/bond (yuk, sorry!) with his colleagues.

mustrunmore · 21/08/2009 11:05

LKizzylou, I love it when dh is on nights so I get time alone (altho ds1 never sleeps so he's often up with me )

StrikeUpTheBand · 21/08/2009 11:07

I think YANBU to be upset at not being able to contact him until 9pm - that is inconsiderate of him to not tell you he was having a drink. If it were me I'd be worrying something had happened.

I think YAB a little U though about not wanting him out for a couple of hours when he has informed you. I do see a bit where you're coming from though as no amount of meeting up with friends can get away from the fact that you are there with a small baby and could be doing with a break too. However, if he's talking about a couple of drinks after work and he's warned you in advance it is fair enough for most people and I'm not sure you will be reasonable for complaining. I don't think you are abnormal for feeling the way you do though - I remember the time with a small baby and used to long for DP to come home so I could have a chat with an adult and he could hold the baby while I did stuff that I needed to do. It will get easier though!

mayorquimby · 21/08/2009 11:07

yabu, i presumed you'd want him to tell you about going out for a drink beforehand as a courtesy, not for permission, he's a grown man.
and as someone said above, if you have plenty to do and see your friends often but don't like to do so in the evening or at weekends, when is he meant to see his? it's only about 2 hours. it doesn't have to be all day saturday and all day friday of not seeing each other, it can be a period of 2-4 hours on either day.still see plenty of each other.

Original poster

motherlovebone · 21/08/2009 11:08

on my own as in having all of the responsibilities.
there is not enough time in the eves to do things after children are in bed, cleaning, washing, im ready for bed myself.
meanwhile, he is in the pub and im being unreasonable.
i dont get it.
i only posted because i was sure you would all be on my side.
im going to clean the hearth now.
or something.

OP posts:

RGPargy · 21/08/2009 11:08

YABU! If he's out earning it's his RIGHT to be able to go for a pint after work on a Friday! I think the fact that he only stays out for 2 hours is a bonus! If it were me, i'd be out all night and would fall in the door legless! (well, maybe not now but it has been known in the past )

If it's the alcohol you resent him having, have a glass of wine and a chill til he gets home. The alcohol in one glass of wine wont make a blind bit of different to your milk!

mayorquimby · 21/08/2009 11:10

oh and what do you expect to happen next week.
because he has two options when he wants to go for a drink.
not tell you and get his drink in peace and recieve an earfull when he gets home.
or
tell you.get an earfull before his drink,not enjoy his drink as a result and get an earfull when he gets home.
what's the point in telling you (when you asked him to do so btw) if your only going to resent him for doing so?

OrmIrian · 21/08/2009 11:10

Agree lizzylou and mustrun! Can't wait for DH to feck off and give me some time to myself! But we've been together forever and have 3 DC - maybe that is the difference

TAFKAtheUrbanDryad · 21/08/2009 11:16

mother - if you wanted everyone to agree with you, you shouldn't have posted in AIBU!

Presumably, he has the sole responsibility of earning? That's a heavy weight on shoulders IMO.

Why can't you do the housework in the day? How old are your dc's?

RGPargy · 21/08/2009 11:17

I dont understand what you dont get motherlovebone? Why are you not chilling after the kids are in bed? When my DD goes to bed, that is my cut off time for doing any household chores, with the exception of loading the dishwasher and/or cooking dinner (if we're eating late).

From your post it seems like you put the kids to bed and then spend the evening choring it up. Why? Kick off your housewife shoes when they're in bed and just be yourself, even if it means slobbing in front of the TV with a glass of wine and some chocolate/crisps/pizza (delete as appropriate). I personally unwind by sticking on the laptop and being antisocial for a couple of hours. Sometimes i'll tear myself away from the laptop and watch the telly. Woohoo, what a fab life! But if DP wants to bugger off to the pub, i'm all for it. It means i can put on some American trash on the telly, stretch out on the sofa and just enjoy some me time.

violethill · 21/08/2009 11:18

'on my own as in having all of the responsibilities.'

So the mortgage gets paid by magic does it? And the fairies pay for the shopping?

Get real. Anyone out commuting and working 12 hours a day as the sole earner has a huge responsibility.
Does your husband know that you are so dismissive of the fact that he is working to enable you to stay at home??

rostbeef · 21/08/2009 11:19

Give him a break! I feel for the man, its only a drink after work. Please let it go and "allow" him some time to himself.

WidowWadman · 21/08/2009 11:21

So you only posted because you expected people to agree with you?

It says at the top:

"Note: Please bear in mind that this topic encourages posters to give their opinions - i.e. they might disagree with you."

Firawla · 21/08/2009 11:22

YABU, your husband shouldnt need your permission to go out, and 9pm is not late to come home anyway

MmeLindt · 21/08/2009 11:25

motherlovebean

How old are your DC?

Do you do all your housework when the DC are in bed?

You might be gettting a hard time of it here but perhaps there is some other reason why you are so upset with your DH going out for a beer.

mayorquimby · 21/08/2009 11:25

if you want everyone to agree with you post something that most sane people will agree with then. like "aibu to wish that world peace would break out tomorrow" bar a few haliburton employees no one is going to post "ffs of course yabu, we need that war cash"
however posting something which most sane people will disagree with and just expecting everyone to agree with you so you can vindicate your unfounded anger with your husband is ridiculous.
or do we need your permission to disagree with you,and should we have asked before we did so?

GetOrfMoiLand · 21/08/2009 11:26

It's only two hours. And it's once a week. Unless he is a lazy bugger who does nothing in the house the rest of the week, you are being silly to resent him going out for a few pints.

Plus, presumably he is communting, so 12 hours a day outside the home is not that bad, tbh. Loads of people have to work far more than a standard week - he could easily be out of the house 14 or 16 hours or more every day, without going down the pub.

You shouldn't have posted at all in AIBU if you wanted everyone to agree with you, it's not how this topic works.

AMumInScotland · 21/08/2009 11:29

Seriously? You have plenty of friends and things to do during the day, while he is out of the house for 12 hours a day earning a living. And you think it's unreasonable of him to have 2 hours once a week to spend with colleagues having a pint?

From your OP I assumed you were stuck in the house on your own, and really missed his company. Now it just sounds like you resent him having any time to do something which he chooses to do.

You really need to get over this. If you don't like your life, then do things to change it, don't focus on making his into even more drudgery than it probably already is if his work and commuting takes 12 hours a day.

Domokun · 21/08/2009 11:31

It sounds like you have zero appreciation for your husband and what he does for the family IMO. You need to get over yourself and start being a little less selfish and self-absorbed.

Original poster

motherlovebone · 21/08/2009 11:37

thankyou everyone.
glad IBU actually and hes not taking the piss as i felt earlier.

OP posts:

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