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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to challenge our neighbour about her ignoring me?

40 replies

sillysalley · 16/08/2009 00:22

We have lived in our cul de sac for almost 4 years now. When we moved in it was a brand new estate and we got on really well with all the neighbours around us and helped each other out with moving in etc.

We particularly got on really well with these neighbours in question.

However, ever since I became pregnant with DS, this neighbour has ignored me. Most of the time it is her running in the house to avoid me but if this isnt possible for her, she will ignore my friendly hellos, she just blankly looks at me or gives me the death stare! Her husband is fine with me BTW - unless he is with her and then he too ignores me.

Since DS was born things have got worse!

I have racked my brains to think if I could have done anything or said anything to upset her and there is nothing. The only thing I can think is I am aware she was TTC (her DH told my DH) or maybe still is, and she is at a not very favourable age for it either, They have no children BTW. I think maybe she is jelous of our situation.

Well today she again ignored me when I said hello, but she did this right in front of another neighbour and made me look daft really. Well I have just had enough now - it is getting silly. I have tried my hardest to kill her will kindness but to no avail. So Im thinking of approaching her and asking if I have done or said anything wrong and apologise in advance.

The thing is, I know all about struggling to TTC, I have been there done that. I have also had a MC. But I would have never have ignored someone with a baby or a bump for that matter - even though I suffered from bump and baby envy for a long time.

Just to add, me and DH are pretty much 100 % positive the reason why she is being this way is due to us having DS. Just the way she totally blanks him when other neighbours make a fuss when she is around and she wont even look at him. Another neighbour also believes this is the reason too.

So aibu to speak to her about this matter or should I leave it?

OP posts:
mrsruffallo · 16/08/2009 00:26

YANBU to be annoyed by this. Even if she is ttc I feel its a very immature way to carry on.
Is it worth approaching her? I am not all sure.
She doesn't seem like someone whose friendship I would covet particularly.
Maybe the husband is a better bet as he at least communicates with you.
I would discuss it with him and see if her attitude changes at all.

victoriascrumptious · 16/08/2009 00:26

She sounds like a bit of a twat. Are you sure you want to patch things up with her? Heaven forbid you'll then find yourself saddled with a 'friend' who's not worth bothering with

arseaboutit · 16/08/2009 00:27

I would leave it, what do you hope to acheive? it may not be nice, but perhaps she has her reasons, especially if it is related to the children, maybe there have been circumstances she has not been able to deal with all that well.

Or maybe she thinks you have been shagging her husband, or objects to you hanging your sexy knickers outside, who knows

CristinaTheAstonishing · 16/08/2009 00:28

This is v delicate. If it is the reason she's ignoring you, it must be very painful for her. How close were you, does she know that you'd been struggling to TTC as well? If not, then it's not a good time to bring it up, I think, as you obviously weren't close enough for it in the past. So I'd say leave it. If she does know then again, leave it, she doesn't want to talk about it with you. You've done nothing wrong. She's going through a difficult time and it may be too late to try and re-establish the friendship on a different level.

blinks · 16/08/2009 00:29

just ignore her back.

definately.

Tortington · 16/08/2009 00:30

i would have to ask

cherryblossoms · 16/08/2009 00:31

How well do you handle deeply intimate, even traumatic, conversations?

Basically, she may just be a pain BUT

If the other neighbours, and your suspicions are right, then she is avoiding you because seeing you is unbearable to her....

In which case, raising it with her may open onto an incredibly difficult situation, which may involve you for a long time. And you will be morally committed to continuing in that situation/conversation for, oooh, years, perhaps, because you asked for that intimacy.

Now, if you handle such things well, and if she does, it might be a very good, very productive thing to do. One that ultimately gives your neighbour a gift of peace and your care.

However, if either you, or she, is less committed to that conversation going well ... .

So, I don't know, really. Personally, I might be inclined to leave things a little longer and see if fate throws something new into the mix.

victoriascrumptious · 16/08/2009 00:31

Did you shag her husband by any chance? Try and think back

Original poster
sillysalley · 16/08/2009 00:33

Im just so annoyed that she ignored me infront of another neighbour. I was getting DS out of his car seat and she and another neighbour were chatting so I shouted a friendly hello and other neighbour spoke back, she gave the death stare and ignored me. There was this horrible silence for a while. It was just so awkward.

OP posts:
kitkatqueen · 16/08/2009 00:34

Oh my goodness! So you have a neihbour who is so cut up that she can't conceive, that it is clearly in the forfront of her mind every day to the point that she is distressed by seeing the lovely neihbour (you) who she envisaged living next door to and having chidren next door to and having as a lovely mummy friend? And you want to confront her about why she can't bring herself to talk to you any more?

You know why. What is there to talk about? Your hurt feelings? From her point of view you have the sun and the moon and she has nothing.
You obviously would not deal with it in the same way, but that is not the point. I think you need to leave her alone. Stop trying to draw her into conversation and let her have some space. Eventually she might be able to get past this, but I don't think you are going to be able to help her with it.

I know this is really difficult for you and uncomfortable. But its going to be harder for her.

cherryblossoms · 16/08/2009 00:37

The stare of death in front of the other neighbour is quite weird. I think I'd have expected more of a frozen awkwardness. But what do I know?

DailyMailarelazy · 16/08/2009 00:41

@ victoriascrumptious

OP, I would leave it. Seriously.

Original poster
sillysalley · 16/08/2009 00:42

Well maybe I exaggerated with the death stare, but lets just say she glares at me in a horrid way as if to say,'Dont you dare say hello to me!' Its not pleasant, DH finds it more offensive than me TBH - it drives him crazy! I even once had to stop my DMum from saying something to her when she witnessed her ignoring me.

BTW - this has been going on for over a year now, I cant see it being resolved unless I try to speak to her.

OP posts:
lockets · 16/08/2009 00:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

blinks · 16/08/2009 00:46

agree with cherryblossoms that the death stare usually implies something based more in anger than jealousy.

it's one of those things that you can tolerate for so long, reasoning with yourself that the person in question is surely just unbalanced and then suddenly it happens one more time and you find yourself compelled to loudly confront them screaming 'FORGODSAKE WWWWWWWWWWHY????'.

i still think you'd regret it though. could your DH speak to her DH and find out what's going on? he could casually weave it into a neighbourly chat, non?

blinks · 16/08/2009 00:51

actually someone at an old workplace used to behave this way towards me and i spent waaay too much time dwelling on it. she seemed a popular and friendly sort but was icy cold to me... would physically block me out of conversations etc.

eventually i quizzed someone who knew her and it turned out that i had 'ignored' her one day in the locker room. i had no recollection of this event and possibly just didn't even notice her. i'm ridiculously unrude so i know she invented it in her mind and blown it out of all proportion.

some folk are weirdy...

arseaboutit · 16/08/2009 00:51

Maybe your continual cheery hellos and shouting across the drives is coming over a bit smug, bit look at me and my perfect family (I am sure that is not your intention), but maybe if she is in a fragile state your friendly hellos are like torture to her, and maybe the shouted hello in front of other people was to much for her all together.

mrsruffallo · 16/08/2009 00:53

Why is it smug to say hello?

arseaboutit · 16/08/2009 00:55

I didn't say she was being smug, just suggesting it may come acros that way to someone who maybe feeling fragile and is consistantly and obviously ignoring you. I said I am sure that was not her intention.

But did wonder why she would need to "challenge" her.

cherryblossoms · 16/08/2009 00:55

OK. Here's one possible scenario:

You're all right - at the base of it is a deep sadness that you have had a child. BUT, for whatever reason, she can't admit that. She's in denial.

So, she's dreamt up something or other to be really, really pissed off with you about (maybe Victoria is on the right lines ... ). So, that means she can continue in denial about why she's so pissed off whilst avoiding you at the same time AND she feels justified in what she's doing.

I which case, it's all v. frustrating, but any conversation with her is going to run into a quagmire of denial and grief. Not great.

I don't know. It's just one possible explanation. But the fact that it is possible would just suggest to me steering well clear.

Or getting someone else to put feelers out, and find out what on earth is going on. And make sure that person keeps you well out of it.

DailyMailmademechangemyname · 16/08/2009 01:05

I would say, irritating as it is, that you can't force someone to like you. She isn't your friend, just someone who you bump into on the street.

Start ignoring her back, and she may see how awkward it is.

I would not confront her, no way

NanaNina · 16/08/2009 01:39

Well said KitKatQueen - you have hit the nail on the head and one of the few to show some compassion here. The poor woman is obviously in a bad way and as you say WHY ask what's the matter when it is very obvious. It is clearly very painful for her to see you with a child when she is not able to conceive.

Sillysally - get on with your life and stop worrying about your neighbour. It's just the way it's taken her and you have to accept it.

SOLOisMeredithGrey · 16/08/2009 02:18

My neighbour blanked me for 11 years and I still don't know why...After 11 years I asked her ~ as I suddenly got a bee in my bonnet over it(she'd asked me to cut some trees back), caught her off guard. She said she thought it was me ~ I knew it wasn't and I knew she knew it wasn't as I'd sent her a Christmas card every year!!! I still don't know the reason, but it ate me up for a long, long time.

Ask her.

dweezle · 16/08/2009 08:11

Sorry, but to completely blank someone because they have a child and you are TTC (if this is the reason) is an extreme over reaction. Will she blank everyone she knows who has a child/is pregnant? I don't think saying hello to a neighbour is smug, I think it's normal social behaviour.

It's up to you whether you tackle her about it, but please don't waste any more time worrying.

MotheringHeights · 16/08/2009 08:15

KKQ and NanaNina it might not be about the neighbour having difficulties TTC, it could be about anything, and it could be a complete misunderstanding.

OP if you're going to live next to each other long term, it's probably worth trying to clear it up. It may not work, but it's worth giving it a go.