AIBU to stop my ex-boyfriend of 2 months having access to our unborn baby?

[Gillybean73]

I was dating a guy who lives about a 3 and a half hour drive away from me for about 2 months or so and was careless about contraception because I thought he'd had a vasectomy. He's 42 and he's already got a 13 year old daughter to his ex-wife who he walked out on when the child was just 3 (the kid behaves appallingly by the way) and he made it clear he didn't want more children. I recently had an operation on my cervix which meant I couldn't have sex for 3 weeks and he was an absolute dick about it, you'd think it was 3 years which made me realise he was very selfish and not the man I thought he was (amongst other things that I discovered about him). Anyway, I found out that I was pregnant and when I told him, he ended our relationship in the same sentence and said he wanted me to have an abortion. (Our relationship would have ended anyway even if he hadn't reacted this way) I dug my heels in (as at 36 feel the old clock ticking and may not have another opportunity) and he is not amused although he says he wants to be involved with the child. I can't see how I can make this work because I have no respect for him and don't even like him anymore and if he comes to see the baby, because he lives so far away, it will all have to be at my house and I really don't want to have to spend any time with him at all. He has deep-rooted emotional problems which makes it impossible for him to open up emotionally and have normal relationships which I put down to an abusive father and a strange relationship with his mother and he was even pleased at one point a few months ago when he thought he had a terminal illness as it would be a way out for him. His daughter is off the rails IMO, she calls her mum a f*king whore and bitch to her face, she calls her Dad a f*king douche bag, prick etc and they let her away with it with little or no consequences. I cant help but feel it's in my childs best interests to keep him/her as far away from this bad influence as possible and I also personally don't want to see him either. My opinion is that if the child grows up and then wants to have a relationship with their Dad then I would try and be supportive of that when they are old enough to make the decision for themselves or am I being unreasonable? Help!!!!

Curiosity: Bloody hell!!!! Does it not scare the crap out of you that he is suspected of having child porn on his computer and he has access to your children?

gilly- just to clarify, I don't think YABU at all to feel all these things. It is very difficult to separate your feelings for your X and you will have to do this for the rest of your life when your baby is born. The baby will make everything feel nicer though .

gilly - it really did, but he was investigated thoroughly and the police had regular contact with me during the time he was being investigated to set my mind at ease. He was heavily supervised during contact whilst he was being investigated. Nothing was found in the end. He admitted to kissing the girl in a club and she admitted she'd lied about the sex.

they took all his PCs and CDs and all PCs he had used (his mum's, g/f's and mate's) so I was satisfied that it was OK when they came up with nothing.

Ahh,right,i think you are right to remain honest,my sister's ex is about the same distance from Scotland as your ex is,he also tried to pressure her into having an abortion with her second child..the marriage ended very quickly after that.

He manages about two trips a year stays in a B&B and has some phone contact but he does not have a huge impact on her kids TBH.

Best of luck and curiosity is right the baby will make everything nicer.

skybright: two trips a year I could cope with, I guess I'm just panicking about the thought of him in my living room every weekend when he's not at work!! That I couldn't deal with! Thanks for good wishes! x

Curiosity: That's good that he was thoroughly checked out, must've been a horrendous experience for you all. I do admire you for your attitude towards your XP, you must be made of very strong stuff to have come through all that without having a murder charge under your belt! I'm not sure I would have been able to have your positive attitude towards him for the sake of the children if I'd been in your shoes. You should be immensely proud of yourself x

gilly - Thanks, very much. I feel proud of myself. The police were very supportive and kept me very informed. I had lots of good support from Sefton Women's And Children's Aid and counselling and I am very lucky in my life now. I think you'll have a lot of time to get things right bit by bit. These things take a long time to sort out.

Sorry but am gonna stick my neck out here and say YABExtemelyU. The whole thing is about you:
"(as at 36 feel the old clock ticking and may not have another opportunity)"
"I'm just panicking about the thought of him in my living room every weekend when he's not at work!! That I couldn't deal with!"
I kind of understand, I've recently had first child at 35 (by then I was getting desperate), but the reason I left it so late was because I wanted to be in a secure and loving relationship before having a child. OK he's an arse and left you because of pregnancy but you have no right to deny him access to his child. What you should try to focus on is forming a working "relationship" with him so that your child has a secure sense of him/herself.
Congrats on your pregnancy, my LO is now 7 months and an absolute joy, it has been tough and I'm not sure how I would have coped alone, but it's good you have family about (I don't). Good luck with it all and try not to stress too much.

Curiosity: the baby is not due until the beginning of the year so I have a lot of time to think things through before then. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger!! thanks for all the advice, much appreciated x

gilly - Everything will be clearer when you look at the baby. For now I'd focus on your pregnancy, you won't have to deal with XP till after the baby is born anyway. It's hard to think about considering a person who isn't even here yet. Sounds like you've had a rough time with your OP and rubbish X, give yourself some space, none of these thoughts are criminal (some of mine were ) all that will matter is that you end up gettings things OK and you don't have to think about it yet anyway.

How're you finding the pregnancy?

Hope the pregnancy goes well for you gilly, babies and children are so amazing

YABU. Your child has a right to a relationship with both its parents.

You won't be under any obligation to put him up!

Congrats btw

larks35: I have had plenty of opportunities to have children in the past but like you, I never felt that the relationship was right and strong enough to have children. I have had two failed marriages, and three long term relationships as well and if I was a selfish person I could've easily have had children with any of these men but I never felt it was completely right and obviously when the relationships ended, mostly my choice, I knew I had made the right decision to not have kids. I think it's easy to say that you wanted to be in a secure and loving relationship before having a child but may I be so bold as to ask if you are suggesting that it would be better to abort the child because I'm not in one?

This is not all about me and it never will be especially now that I'm expecting a child. This child wasn't planned but this is the reality of the situation that I find myself in. If I could turn back the clock would I? Most definitely, but unfortunately I cant and I could never live with myself if I didn't have this child. Termination was never an option whether I was 26 or 36, it's age irrelevant to me but I respect that it may be the right decision for some people and everyone has the right to choose. Playing Devils Advocate here - supposing I was pro abortion and had a termination and then went the rest of my child bearing years never meeting the right person or finding a permanent committed relationship. That would be pretty hard to deal with knowing that I had aborted a perfectly healthy child for no reason other than it wasn't particularly convenient timing and not part of a stable and loving relationship wouldn't you agree?

I have spent the last 19 years in and out of serious long term relationships and marriages and maybe I'm just unlucky but I've never found anything that has lasted more than 7 years. The comment I made about the biological clock was simply because I've spent the last 19 years looking, who is to say I'll ever find a permanent committed relationship with someone who doesn't turn out to be a wife beater, a cheat or things simply just don't work out. I'm really pleased that everything has worked out for you, you are very lucky and I'm sure you count your blessings every day that you have your secure and loving relationship and family that you so desperately sought. But please don't be so quick to judge me as being selfish and say that this is 'all about you' because but for the grace of god, this could so easily be you. If I have picked up your sentiment inaccurately then I apologise but I can assure you I never for one waking moment ever thought I'd find myself in this position. If this was all about me, I wouldn't be on this site at all seeking advice about the situation because I would just cut the father out of my life completely. The whole point of me being on here is to make the decision that is best for all concerned so please don't think for one minute this is all about me or the decision would have already been made.

curiosity: the pregnancy has been horrendous so far and can't wait until the baby is born! I've had sickness 24/7 and constant tiredness and I haven't managed to work for nearly two months now

I've had two threatened miscarriages with bleeding and the hospital are keeping a close eye on me with extra scans etc because of my operation to remove part of my cervix in June (I was pregnant at the time but they didn't pick up on it ) so this is somewhat of a miracle baby that it has survived so far! I also spent three days back to back touring round theme parks doing all the biggest white knuckle rides we could find in the UK with my niece when I was about 6 weeks pregnant (completely unaware!) so this baby is definitely a little fighter! My cancer treatment has had to be put on hold until after the baby is born but my surgeon is hopeful that he got it all (had similar operation 12 years ago so know what to expect at least) so fingers crossed I won't need any more treatment again anyway.

I won't relax though until the baby is safely delivered and I know it is ok but I guess that's normal for most Mums, especially first time round.

Night night and thanks for your advice, much appreciated x

Good luck gillybean I totally understand that you are just thinking things through at this stage.

I would find it hard to believe that any woman who was in your position wouldn't, however briefly, entertain the thought of lying to get him out of the picture! many possibilities go through your head and that doesn't make you a bad person. It is only right that you are concerned about protecting your child from inheriting any of the dysfunctionality that runs through his family.

You sound like you are going to be a great mum and with your financial independence will be able to provide everything that baby needs (and I don't mean things - I mean your time and energy)

Good luck with the pregnancy.
It's a good thing HE lives so far away as it makes it unlikely that he will come visiting too often - doesn't it?

wow - you and the baby both sound tough!

night night

blimey gillybean I don't believe in fate but if I did I would say that that baby was meant to be!

after what you have both been through I am sure that a dodgy dad visiting every now and then will not knock a feather off you!

mrsboogie: thanks so much, your positive vibes are just what the doctor ordered for me tonight before bed! You've fairly cheered me up. Thanks again for your support and good wishes. Off to bed now, night night x

Curiosity, I'm afraid I really object to your statement that it is 'wrong' to be rendered an unstable parent by your children's father having contact...by 'unstable' parents I meant parents unable to function normally due to extremely high levels of stress.

I find it really, really hard to believe that you remained calm and considered without batting an eyelid throughout the horrendous situation you experienced. I also find myself wondering how exactly your children have coped with all this going on - court battles, their mother being raped, countless incidents of emotional abuse and finally a father who cannot be bothered, letting them down repeatedly.

Can you safely say that they have not been negatively affected by any of this, and that you found it all perfectly manageable without it making you at least a little bit anxious?

I'm just that you still let him near them to hurt them in this way.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, it isn't meant to, I am really just amazed...and how would you feel if he had continued access regularly and continued to abuse you/them during that access, in a manner that the courts wouldn't particularly recognise?

It sounds as though you are all very fortunate that he has pretty much left you alone most of the time.

Actually, I do feel my last post was harsh. I'm upset by your comments earlier on the thread which seem to imply my friends are terrible mothers for feeling like crap having to encounter their ex every week or whatever - not that any of them stopped him seeing the children, in any way - but I've seen how badly it's affected them and therefore their kids are really stressed, and pick up on it without a doubt.

How can you tell a woman she is 'wrong' to be badly affected at having to see a nasty, abusive man take her children every weekend - or hand over said children screaming that they don't want to go? You only have to read MN for a week to find examples of terrible contact situations that the courts do NOTHING about, making the children miserable and their mother suicidal.

I want to emphasise that I don't blame you in any way if your children have been badly affected, my comment about allowing them to be hurt by him was rude - I'm sorry. I didn't mean it to sound like that.

I meant that I am amazed if you have found a way to protect them form the full force of his horridness. Perhaps you have, in which case all credit to you but it must be a very clever thing to do, especially as his behaviour sounds particularly awful

What a git.
And sorry - again.

Gilly, Im glad youve had some good advice from Curiosity. I had visions of this story heading to Jeremy Kyle with the first page of posts.

I think it is definatly better that your DC has the opertunity to have a relationship with her father, and if he has stuck with his other DD (even though shes not the nicest 13yr old on the planet as the minute) it shows he is not scared of commitment. Im sure if you had met his DD 3 years ago she probably would have been quite sweet, and the chances are she will be fine in a few years time. Lets hope so as she is your DCs half sister and somebody else who will be part of his/her life.

Just be clear with what you expect from him. ie, when he visits, where visits take place etc and see how if goes from there. He cant demant he sees your DC in your own home or takes her half way accross the country. Maybe in a few years time if he has proved to you and your DC to be reliable, you might find your happy at letting him take her longer.

Good Luck

Id put my foot down though if he expects your DC to wear a ManU kit

OK GIlly I understand from your reply to me that you didn't know all this about his background at the time. That's another bit of your responsibility as well though isn't it - until you know someone you might consider not sleeping with them (call me old fashioned ) and if you choose to have sex then you bear in mind that you hardly know this person and you take personal responsibility for your fertility.

I'm afraid I think you have been feckless and this is now the situation that is part of that really. You do have to deal with a difficult situation but you had equal shares in making it so I don't think it's on to want to make it easier for yourself by cutting the man out of the picture.

slowreadingprogress: I think you are missing the point entirely but that's just my opinion. I thought I did know him well enough and he most definitely changed following my cancer surgery which is when I saw his true colours and saw him for what he really was. I've never tried to shirk my share of the responsibility for what's happened in the slightest but until you've walked a mile in my shoes please don't think you have the right to judge me for having sex with someone that I thought I knew well enough. I didn't post a blog looking for advice on when it's appropriate to have sex with someone and quite frankly I don't think it't any of your business. Perhaps if you had a big cancer scare hanging over you it might make you do things slightly differently and perhaps 'live for the moment' too. I've lost two friends to cancer in the past couple of years and lost several relatives in the past and I don't know whether or not it's ever impacted on your life or your loved ones and don't really want to know but I can tell you when it happens to you it changes your priorities and your perspective on life. If you've never been through it, I hope you never have to go through it, I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy. I'm happy for people to give their opinions on my situation but can we stick to the real subject matter please? thanks.

Hi Gillybean thanks for replying to me, I didn't really expect you to - I was a bit mean. TBH I read over what I said to you and I think I was too judgmental. You asked if I was suggesting you should have an abortion and I suppose I was, which is Extremely Unreasonable of me! (Using the excuse of 7 months broken sleep and 2 glasses of wine). I'm sorry if what I said upset you, it sounds to me like you could do without any extra upset right now, especially late at night.
I wish you all the best, hope the morning sickness clears soon (mine did about this time in pregnancy). Avoid stress as much as possible is my advice ie ignore interfering, judgmental strangers like me late at night!

I'm sorry to hear about your scare. Hope you're well.

But I have given and stand by my opinions; it's what you get when you post on an internet message board! But you know, you're entitled to yours and I'm entitled to mine and to see the subject matter as I do on the info given.

The real subject matter of course is that baby and I hope and am sure it will bring you much joy