AIBU to stop my ex-boyfriend of 2 months having access to our unborn baby?

[Gillybean73]

I was dating a guy who lives about a 3 and a half hour drive away from me for about 2 months or so and was careless about contraception because I thought he'd had a vasectomy. He's 42 and he's already got a 13 year old daughter to his ex-wife who he walked out on when the child was just 3 (the kid behaves appallingly by the way) and he made it clear he didn't want more children. I recently had an operation on my cervix which meant I couldn't have sex for 3 weeks and he was an absolute dick about it, you'd think it was 3 years which made me realise he was very selfish and not the man I thought he was (amongst other things that I discovered about him). Anyway, I found out that I was pregnant and when I told him, he ended our relationship in the same sentence and said he wanted me to have an abortion. (Our relationship would have ended anyway even if he hadn't reacted this way) I dug my heels in (as at 36 feel the old clock ticking and may not have another opportunity) and he is not amused although he says he wants to be involved with the child. I can't see how I can make this work because I have no respect for him and don't even like him anymore and if he comes to see the baby, because he lives so far away, it will all have to be at my house and I really don't want to have to spend any time with him at all. He has deep-rooted emotional problems which makes it impossible for him to open up emotionally and have normal relationships which I put down to an abusive father and a strange relationship with his mother and he was even pleased at one point a few months ago when he thought he had a terminal illness as it would be a way out for him. His daughter is off the rails IMO, she calls her mum a f*king whore and bitch to her face, she calls her Dad a f*king douche bag, prick etc and they let her away with it with little or no consequences. I cant help but feel it's in my childs best interests to keep him/her as far away from this bad influence as possible and I also personally don't want to see him either. My opinion is that if the child grows up and then wants to have a relationship with their Dad then I would try and be supportive of that when they are old enough to make the decision for themselves or am I being unreasonable? Help!!!!

Yes Gilly, you would - I think so anyway. Make plans, contingency plans by all means but keep your cool with him. Let him behave as he will. It's not your problem, mainly - yet. I'd be worried in your situation not about him necessarily but about the way the courts decide these things regardless of the best interests of the child, and the mother.

Stay calm
You don't have to do anything yet. Make sure you have a good solicitor lined up in case, but that's all. If you are a good distance away he sounds busy enough that he may not bother anyway.

Hindsight is indeed great - I've only realised since my unfortunate relationship that you don't have to sleep with someone whom you don't know much about, just in case they get upset that you won't get into bed.

It took me ages to figure that out...about getting the facts and info before committing.
Still - we know now.

Dillydaydreamer: financial support is not an issue, I guess I am very lucky and possibly in the minority of most single Mum's that having slogged my guts out for the past 7 years working around 100 hours per week building up my own business I'm very fortunate that I now don't need to work at all if I don't want to and will have the luxury of being a stay at home Mum. So this is not a financial issue at all, purely a what is in the best interests of the child issue which is and always will be my main priority. But my own sanity does partly come into it too which is why I'm so confused about it all!! Funny how everyone's opinions are so vastly different in that some are saying I'm unreasonable and some are not. At the risk of offending some people, I suspect those who are being supportive of me going it alone without his invovement have been in similar situations or know of similar situations that their friends have been in. Nobody said this would be easy!!!

flighthattendant - where are you getting all these things about the court systems from? IME the only thing which is biased towards the absent parent in the court system is the fact that the absent parent can apply for access but the parent with care can't force access if the absent one doesn't care.

IME the court system is very fair. It is always in the best interests of the child to see both their parents. If children are inadequately supported by the parent with care then this can lead to the kinds of 'screaming child being handed over' stuff you were describing.

It is the parent with care's job to help enable a child to have a relationship with it's absent parent. Being manipulative and trying to get out of contact ends up damaging the children.

Curiosity - from personal experience of friends forced to hand their children over to bastards who don't even want access let alone keep it - the children are hurt over and over, the mother stressed to the hilt and barely able to function. That's not gonna be great for any child. They need one stable parent. Two unstable ones is not really a bonus.

gillybean - I have been in this situation. My XP was a lot worse than what you describe your XP is. I think you have to separate your relationship with the father from the father's relationship with his children. The child will be born with love for you and his/her father, it will most likely damage the love the child has for you if you don't do everything reasonable that you can to enable contact to be smooth and regular.

Gillybean.. i am speaking from the viewpoint of having a child with a man who was sent to prison for beating me up when i was pregnant. I did in that situation make sure that my daughter was never anywhere near him and his name is not on her birth certificate(although this was almost 14 years ago so made no odds anyway).

He has apart from briefly asking through a friend if he could see her when she was about one had no contact whatsoever.

However i have had many many questions from my daughter and i have always been as honest as i can be ...because this is her life and her history and she has a right to know her parentage.

As i said previously i still can't see that much to indicate that you would have to go to such extremes to tell a life long lie,it is in my opinion very selfish.

flighthattendant - The child will be just as stressed by the mother having to be forced, why did the mothers have to be forced? The court system will not continue making arrangements for contact if the father is really unreliable, I'd think there was more than met the eye in that story. My point is that the parent with care needs to support the child to deal with contact. My DC have been let down repeatedly in the past and they are coping well. If you are sensible and supportive the children don't have to be damaged by being let down and can enjoy their time with their father.

Curiosity: how old was your child/children when you split from your XP?

I'm sorry but I think some of what you say is incorrect. You can't assume there is 'more than meets the eye' about my 'story'.

It's not true that courts prevent access after unreliable history

It's just not true at all.

Sorry. I'm admiring whatever way you have managed not to allow your children to be affected negatively by your situation - be interested to know how, genuinely, as it's something that really concerns me with my friends' children

skybright: At the risk of seeming really thick here, I'm not sure where you are coming from with regards to telling a life long lie? Can you please clarify how you think I would by telling a life long lie to the child?

Gilly, got to go to bed, hope you are Ok.

Your child having contact with their father shouldn't make you an unstable parent. If it does then that is just as wrong as your XP walking out and not bothering. Unless the absent parent has been abusive to you (even then some contact can be set up depending on the circumstances) or abusive to the child or other children there is no reason to never allow contact. There are a variety of systems set in place to enable the child to have contact in a safe environment, like contact centres for example.

gilly - My DS was 8 months and I was just pregnant with DD.

Night night FlightHattendant, many thanks for the support and advice x

Curiosity: Did your XP take both your babies away when you gave him access or did he come to your house or what arrangement did you have?

Gilly as a successful business woman who also happens to be a single mum yabVERYu. You may not like your ex enough to continue on but your child wont like you at all for not facilitating at least the opportunity for a relationship. Picture this in ten years time

"so why dont I know anything about you dad"

"your mum couldnt be arsed to give me a chance to get to know you and refused access"

"why - you must have done something awful"

"no - I had a teenager who called me names, whom I felt guilty about leaving at a young age so felt guilty, and although I am ashamed to admit this, your mum and I had only been together a very short while when you were conceived and we didnt stay together so I wasnt sure going ahead with the pregnancy was a great idea".

He sounds awful. Not. If you wanted a sperm donor you should have gone to a bank. Nothing he has done is enough to punish your own child by blocking its relationship with its parent.

By someone who was in this very position once!

totally agree with slowreading and all others who point out that your child will be a person in his or her own right.

Who has a moral and legal right to know his or her background and the man who makes up half his or her genetic background.

He may be a prick. But it is not your choice to cut him out of your child's life. That is a choice for your child to make when he/she is old enough. If he really is as weird and unpleasant as you suggest he probably won't be interested/able to sustain a relationship over the years... but then at least when you child turns round and asks you why his/her father isn't around, you will be answering those questions from a position of moral strength.

Gillybean.you said you thought about telling him it was not his baby or that you had a miscarriage,then i guess it would be difficult to have an honest conversation with your child about your actions concerning the father.

I think a lot of tennagers would be mighty pissed off if they knew the mother had said that as in my experience no matter what a crap parent the child usually at some point will want to have some knowledge and it is best that you can be truthful.

It may well be too much hassle for him to keep up with the travel etc so he might not have that much of an impact in your childs life anyway but if at all possible it is mostly best to try to keep it free from lies.

Breastfeed for as long as possible - the courts won't let him have overnight visits if baby is nursing.

The 'donor' for my DD was at least decent enough to leave me alone after pressing me to abort, then keep her a secret.

My thinking was always that if he could be a stable, regular part of her life I wouldn't fight that. But he never even tried - thank fuck!

prettyfly1: Everyone is entitled to their opinion but I'm sorry I draw the line at your comment 'if you wanted a sperm donor you should have gone to a bank' You lost your credibility to give advice with that comment. I wasn't out deliberately trying to get pregnant, and if I had been I could think of several people that would've been preferable lol!! You are so far off with that remark I wonder if you bothered to read my posts at all. Even if that had been the case and that was all I was after I would've in the first instance chosen the donor far more wisely and secondly, wouldn't have even told the father I was pregnant so you are way off the truth of the matter here. So far, I've been completely honest with the baby's father and am simply exploring my options and peoples opinions of the situation before I discuss the matter with the father any further. I have yet to make up my mind on the way forward for the three of us. I'm happy to listen to sound judgement and people's opinions but keep the bitchy remarks to yourself, they don't help anybody but perhaps make you feel better about yourself. Let's stick to the facts please.

It is true that when a court makes and arrangement for contact that if either parent doesn't keep that arrangement it reflects very negatively on them and restricts the next arrangement.

My XP was emotionally, psychologically, financially and sexually abusive to me. My DD was the result of him raping me. He cheated and drank and alienated me from everyone. He told lies about me to family and friends, stole from my family and blamed it on me. He was completely uninterested in my DS and told me he wanted nothing to do with him as he was boring.

He left to be with his current girlfriend. He had told her that he and I were just living together for the sake of DS and so didn't want to admit to DD being his - also didn't want to admit the circumstances of her conception.

He stopped seeing DS, told everyone I had prevented access so was pecked by his family into taking me to court (for access to DS but not DD). He harrassed me and was warned by the police, he got his family and friends to harrass me in the street and his g/f to pretend to run me over when pushing ds in the pram then drove off laughing.

He was horrible. He was also being investigated by the police because he was suspected of having sex with an underage girl and having child porn on his PC.

We went through court and eventually ended up in mediation (he wouldn't go to mediationa s couldn't face me). The court system was very fair. Things were set up to protect my DCs as I requested and he was forced to have a dna test for DD and to apply for access to her too. He was unreliable with every arrangement the court made (they try several to give them a chance) and eventually the case ended with the magistrate telling him there was no evidence that I had ever been obstructive to him having contact and that his behaviour was completely out of order and he needed to apologise. The case was discharged without a contact arrangement on the basis that I was in control and not being obstructive.

After court he was unreliable with our arrangement and this time DCs did start struggling with the let down so I insisted we had to go to mediation before I would make another one.

In mediation we agreed (finally) that he didn't want to be a father and so he now has very informal and irregular contact with the DCs in a similar way to a grandparent. I have open communication with the DCs about how he loves them and is a lot of fun but can't manage to look after them and that is why they don't see him very often and they know this is true because they experienced him trying and failing to be a father. I respect him for admitting he can't be a father. He has a good relationship with the DCs because everything is honest. DS is now 4 and DD is nearly 3. Making the link between their father and their granny was helpful for them as they know granny loves them, they also know she doesn't really want to look after them all the time and they know they don't need to expect to see her regularly but that when they do it's a lot of fun.

skybright: Sorry if I wasn't clear on that post about contemplating telling him it wasn't his or that I had miscarried, I did indeed consider it but I meant to convey that I couldn't and wont do this because I don't want to have awkward conversations and have to try and talk my way out of any lies when the child is older. This was never really an option, I just considered the impact of doing it a while ago and decided against it.

gilly - he had access through the contact centre to DS only initially as DD was breastfeeding. The court things take quite a long time to be arranged so it's likely your child would be quite big once the contact was starting to be arranged. Normally solicitors will be involved first to try and arrange things. My DCs didn't have any contact once courts were involved unless it was an arrangement that had been made through the court as I didn't want to have anything to do with XP. We only spoke through solicitors once they became involved. We only speak now to arrange contact.