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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be this angry with dh!

52 replies

canella · 11/08/2009 19:17

background to tonights huge row - we've recently moved to germany (dh is german, i'm british) with our 3 dc. When we lived in the UK i worked 3 days but organised everything - school/nursery stuff, sport lessons, music lessons, holidays, appointments with dentists, doctors etc. just all the normal stuf but dh never had to do any of it - more cause i never asked him too because i was at home more so i could manage it (he worked really long hours).

fast forward to now - we've been here 5 months - i'm not working because my german isnt great - good enough to do the shopping, chat with neighbours, friends, sort out easy stuff at school and kindergarten but still not great. I'm not shy about trying to speak it but just worry about doing important things cause i dont understand that level of german. got lessons booked though - they start in 6 weeks!

so today ds1 (4.10) has a really strange lump on his gum - bigger than a pea but really squidgy. We were discussing me taking him to the dentist tom - i'd already asked dh to phone to make an urgent appointment but he didnt do it. So i said i'd phone in the morn but that maybe because it looked so serious then dh should take him. well he started having a go about how i'm the one thats at home all day and why did he have to be involved!!!!!!!!

  1. its also his son
  2. we're in a country where i dont speak the language so well
  3. it could be serious

i understand that our roles have changed hugely and he's not used to taking responsibility for sorting out kids stuff but is it unreasonable that he sorts it out until my language skills improve?

ps its not the first time he's said this - he's making me take all 3 dc alone for their assessments at the paediatrician (compulsory here!)

OP posts:
Sn0wflake · 13/08/2009 11:13

A lot has already been said but I am fuming on your behalf. I just would not be happy to be in the sort of relationship where children are seen as women's work. How lonely.

PLEASE don't just roll over and put up with this. You can be stubborn too can't you? He has to be involved with his children and back you up.... you really don't want to be in this position for the rest of your life.

Don't let him walk all over you.... did you move to Germany to live with a 1950's attitude to a women's place? Does 'independence' in a woman mean that she gets all the menial jobs while his spare time is anything he wants?

God I'm angry. I better go calm down.

canella · 13/08/2009 12:34

snowflake - thank for your fuming but its not good for you health!!!

i dont know whether he's always been like this - i was so independent in the UK and he worked really long hours that i just had to do it all. But he's never refused to do other "nicer" things with the kids - he just expected me to do all the organising! but thats how our relationship worked and since i'm a bit of a control freak then was happy to do it.

its been a lot of adjusting on both our parts to me being a SAHM (was only a SAHM when i was on mat leave in the UK) and being in a different country where i cant be chief organiser. In a years time then i'm sure i'll be happy to organise everything - my gripe isnt about that - its about the lack of support till i get to that time.

but as i said yesterday - in the end i did cope at the dentist (and we went back today and i coped again) - just dont want him to think i'm a rollover now! but we talked so much about it the other night, he's in no doubt how i feel.

ps - the next follow up at the dentist is when he's off!! no excuse then!

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