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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To Think May Be A Bit Of A Slapper!

72 replies

juicyjolly · 10/08/2009 21:59

My hubby works with autistic students and loves his job.
There is a newish girl working there now (one year) and has become friendly with him.
Fine, I am not the jealous type and trust him completely.
She texts him regularly and he has never tried to hide this from me.
Lately she has started swearing quite a bit and he said to her 'my mam always said to stay away from girls who swear because they will get you into trouble' (just a joke, though not very funny).
She texts back saying 'sorry about that, never used to swear until my last boyfriend said he liked me to talk dirty to him in the bedroom. Cant really get out of the habit around you for some reason'
She doesnt know that I read the texts too.

She knows he is married, but doesn't know I am reading the texts.

Slapper or Pricktease? Or am I wrong?

OP posts:

electra · 14/08/2009 22:52

OMG - I do not think he and she should be exchanging texts - I think that is completely inappropriate. If my husband was doing this I would not be at all happy. What possible good could come from it??

thesecondcoming · 14/08/2009 23:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

messalina · 14/08/2009 23:38

Yes, there should be a male equivalent. I'd be tempted to use the term wanker but it covers too many possibilities. Casanova would assume your DH was devastatingly attractive and lived in the 18th century. Tart - can be used of men, but usually by gay men of other gay men. Am a bit stumped here, but just because the English language has not yet invented a derogatory term for promiscuous males, doesn't mean this bird isn't a slapper...if slapper can mean woman who flirts with other women's partners. Perhaps marriage wrecker would be a better term to use but as it's only texting at this stage, probably not.

Mumcentreplus · 15/08/2009 02:16

Slag,Tart,Slapper can be used for both imo..but name calling isn't the answer..at the end of the day it's about respect

TwoHot · 15/08/2009 18:44

I would get DH to text back that you found that rather amusing, hahaha, see you Monday. Keep it open and correct her assumption that its a private conversation.

If he doesnt want to then maybe there is a problem developing.

TheLadyEvenstar · 15/08/2009 18:58

I have a strong belief that flirting is "ok" if it is harmless. I have a good friend and her husband and I have a laugh...namely about me locking him in a dungeon and whipping him...it is actually harmless banter more than flirting we don't do this via text we do it on the phone while my friend is there.

On the other hand I have a friend who constantly flirts with dp, he hates it and so do I the reason we hate it is she makes it plainly obvious she has a "thing" for dp whenever she has had a drink. even down to once taking her top off and asking if he liked her bra...his reply was "no i much prefer tles she has more to fill it with" needless to say she was not exactly over joyed mind you nor was her dp. As a result we rarely see this couple which is a shame cos her dp is such a lovely guy.

Now if my dp was flirting back and then showing me i would have to question why he was showing me....was there more to it? did he really not care if i got hurt? etc

danthe4th · 15/08/2009 21:44

Invite her for dinner and set her up on a blind date you can then get the opportunity to tell her how ammusing the text messages are.

MorrisZapp · 15/08/2009 21:54

yabu to use hateful and sexist language about somebody who responded to your DH's flirting.

Personally I think it'd be a very sad day indeed when adults didn't get to laugh, banter and release steam at work. It's usually harmless.

The person BU here is your DH for showing you that text and trying to make you feel crap, and blame the 'ow' who is probably just having a laugh anyway.

As for messalina's post about men being innocent but women knowing better, christ on a bike. No wonder men act like arses with women like this making excuses for them and blaming other women instead.

Original poster

juicyjolly · 15/08/2009 22:52

Morris.....why would you assume that my dp showed me the text to make me feel crap.
Just to put the record straight...the dp and I do not have that kind of relationship at all. Why would I stay with someone for 27 yrs if he got his jollies making me feel crap!

As for the reason he showed me the text....being a little inexperience after 27yrs marraige he was feeling a little 'confused'. Was it flirty harmless joking? Is she just larking about?.......Thats the reason he showed me the text, not to make me feel shit, jealous or crap!

The flirty text he sent back was meant as more of a joke (with a little message...he thought...to let her know not to text like this) Now I am not saying he succeeded in doing that, but that was definitely his intention.

To be honest, the one thing I regret is starting this op asking if exhibit A was a slapper! Not very mature I realise now, but we all make mistakes, which is what it was.

OP posts:

Stinkermink · 16/08/2009 07:52

Thing is, it's easy to say it's just flirting when you are reading it on a forum. Tell your DH to stop if it makes you uncomfortable. And everyone else, put yourself in the OPs shoes. How would you feel?

pixiestix · 16/08/2009 12:47

If I was the OW and received that text from your DH I would definitely have assumed he was flirting and was up for it.
Either way your DH should nip this in the bud, pronto. It will save unneccesary embarrasment / jealousy / discomfort all round.

messalina · 17/08/2009 13:41

MorrisZap, I would like to respond to your comment. I think some of us are losing the plot here and forgetting that BOTH parties are just as much to blame. I never said that the husband was not as culpable, perhaps he could be slightly more as he sent the original text (but let's not get too bogged down in nitty gritty). I think some of the posters on this thread are doing that extremely tiresome thing of saying it's more the man's fault because of some misplaced sense of feminism. I think that people who make suggestive comments to other people's partners, even if they themselves are single, are just as guilty as those who do the same and are attached, unless of course they don't realise the party is attached. Perhaps I am boring but I just don't think flirting of that nature is appropriate if one of the parties is attached. I would be really hurt if I discovered my DH was involved in such behaviour and would regard him and the woman involved as equally culpable. I don't buy the idea that this is harmless flirting.

MorrisZapp · 18/08/2009 16:53

Well I don't agree messalina. If somebody is single then they can flirt with whomever they like. If somebody has promised to forsake all others until they die then that's a bit different.

I'm happy to 'misplace' any feminism I can on here if I can counter posts from people who think that the word slapper is appropriate to describe a woman who responds in kind to a man's flirting!!

Seems like some of us are still living in the 1950's.

Nancy66 · 18/08/2009 17:01

What's he doing giving her his phone number in the first place?

curiositykilled · 18/08/2009 17:36

I'm not sure why reading each other's texts is supposed to be an example of trusting each other. IMO people only read each other's texts when there's a problem. Reading each other's texts, facebook accounts or personal converations leads to stupid problems like this.

It's your DH's problem, if she's a flirt and he's just inept at dealing with it that's not going to lead to a big long love affair. It's his own private business how he deals with it. TBH he sounds just as flirty as she does. He's the one that is married to you so he's the one in the wrong. Flirting is rarely harmless.

I think it's particularly weird that he's been showing you the texts to, as you put it, 'keep everything above board'. It wouldn't occurr to me that there was a problem with my DH texting his friends - gay, straight, male, female unless he started showing me the texts to 'keep everything above board'. I think he knows there's something not right here and he wants to carry on doing it but doesn't want to directly betray you.

Think the reading of the texts is the problem and DH is the one getting himself into trouble, the girl isn't doing much wrong.

AnyFucker · 18/08/2009 17:58

great post curiositykilled

apt name, eh

curiositykilled · 18/08/2009 18:05

lol, yes anyfucker very true! I hadn't realised!

MorrisZapp · 19/08/2009 14:16

Aye exactly, curiosity.

landrover · 20/08/2009 12:26

curiosity killed the cat

UnquietDad · 20/08/2009 12:38

But some people find jokery the best response to flirtation. It can be a good way of defusing the "situation" and keeping it light.

Honestly, if people are going to start monitoring and parsing everything their DHs SAY to - shock, horror! - single women they may work with! then they should start insisting they go and work in all-male offices, if such things exist.

Newsflash: your DH will talk to women at work. Some people in offices flirt. If you trust him it should not be a problem. If it's a problem, maybe you don't trust him. That's the issue, not the office banter.

hambler · 21/08/2009 02:35

morriszapp you are a fuckinglegend

hambler · 21/08/2009 02:36

and yes YABU, what a horrible missogynistic thread title.

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