to just want dh and the PFB to myself in the first few hours?

[isoldeone]

12 days to EDD
a few twinges here and there. Am desperate yo give birth in the middle of night as MIL ( who I really get on with) said last week ( admittedly when tiddly) said you need to find out if I can sit in the the maternity lounge ( I think DH described the set up after seeing it on a powerpoint at antenatal class - some kind of inner lounge on the ward for fathers/ family surrounded by delivery rooms) so I can support DH " I won't come into delivery suite of course. " I knew IL's would rush down ( 2hr drive) as soon as baby came into world and tbh honest I did not mind this at all but once the labour is over I can't refuse people not come in for at least an hour or so or can I? Just want to bond as a new little family as dappy as that sounds - will happily welcome family during visiting hours. My mum and dad can't make it straight away ( elderly ) - know my mum will be very hurt by others being there before she can . Don't even want to get into the mum v mil "we will help you afterwards and stay scenario" that's raised it's head already . I haven't said anything and have realised with horror because I haven't - Mum and MIl have made tentative plans and it's all going to end in tears ( probably mine) They don't particularly get on - cordial polite relationship ( 20 year age difference) . My mum can be really difficult and my MIL is very understanding but feel overwhelmed at this stage and don't have the balls to say " give me space - I can do this on my own and will want no matter how bloody difficult it will be " Plus felt awful as MIL mentioned again SIL banned MIL for a day or two after her dc birth and MIl seemed so happy she will be around for mine . Haven't had the guts to bring it up with DH as nothing is certain and noone obviously knows when baby will come.

Shall I keep sticking my head in the sand and just concentrate on baby and let them all get on with it?

If you don't want your MIL there then tell your husband and tell your MIL. I wouldn't have wanted anyone fussing over me when exhausted and in pain. I'd tell them this in advance and say you'd like several hours after the birth of the baby before anyone comes.
I'm quite forceful though so wouldn't be posting on AIBU about this because if my MIL had suggested coming near the hospital until told I had given birth and they could visit by my husband she would have been told she was not welcome and that I wanted some privacy and space (in a nice way). If my husband had wanted hi mum there then I wouldn't have wanted him there and would have found a friend, or my sister or mum. Other people's mothers are still other people's mothers even when you are married to them.

You are in a really difficult situation and I feel for you - can totally understand too as was in a very similar situation with my MIL. (only difference is that I do not actually LIKE her, although she tries to be nice - but that is another story...)

If I can offer you any advice it would be this - rather than waiting for dm or MIL to offer help, think of things that you would LIKE them to do.
For example, could you give your MIL a key and say that what you would really like would be for her to make her way to your home and to clean up / make dinner / go to the shops or something - that makes her feel needed, but at the same time giving you space at the hosptial? You could give a seperate job to your mum (perhaps one that means her buying something 'useful' like nappies or babygrows) that will mean she is not able to get to the hospital immediatly.

Asking them to do seperate things that keep them away from the hospital means you will not have to worry until you get home, and then, as you say, you do not have a spare room so they will have a limited time with you anyway.

I have to say, I was less strict with ds than I was with dd and I regret it. It was a home birth and ils visited the following day and spent three hours holding/cuddling and I did not even get a look in from one feed to the next - I was devestated and really wish that I had been more strict about what I wanted.

Good Luck

YANBU

don't tell them anything till after baby is born. Maybe even till after you are home if its quick in and out in 8 hours. Then invite who you like and only who you like.

Chances are you will be pretty tired and want to REST and doze and feed LO and not much more.

I would agree-much the easiest is simply not to tell anyone until afterwards.

isolde, my mum, dad, brother and sister all came and camped out for HOURS in the hospital waiting room while I was labouring with dd1.

By the time she was finally born, I was shattered, a bloody mess, naked, being sewn up with legs akimbo and there was no way on this earth I would have consented to seeing anyone.

Dh had to go and send them home .

However, I loved having visitors a few hours later.

Tell your mil now. Tell her your dh will let her know as soon as things start to happen and that he will also tell her when she can visit.

Make sure that you get 'Only DH allowed in delivery room/until 12 hours after birth(or whatever you think is appropriate)' written on your birth plan and notes - not that they will necessarily look at it at the right time but if it is there then it is another line of defence against having anyone else in the room with you and you can wave it at the staff to get them to help you remove people if you need them to.

Just because 2 people are allowed doesn't mean that you have to have 2 people with you - some people might want to take their mum or a friend or a doula with them as well as their dh but they should certainly respect your wishes about visitors if you only want your dh.

as everyone has said, get your dh to turn his phone off and not call anyone until after the baby is born and you are ready to have visitors... and get him to start not returning calls (to parents!) immediately from now on so that they don't start to assume that the baby is being born the moment they can't get in contact with him.

get him on side too - before he starts getting carried away with his thoughts of how nice it would be for him to be supported by his mum at this difficult time for him , get him to imagine that the situations were reversed; he is lying in a hospital bed virtually naked, having spent the previous 1-36 hours (go for the worst case scenario to really hit home, sorry, don't want to scare you but want to scare him IYSWIM), all bloody and in pain and completely exhausted and waiting to deliver placenta and know that you are about to have stitches - plenty of other examples in this thread - not forgetting of course that he would have spent lots of HOURS trying to poo out a watermelon - or pee out a large grapefruit.

Would he want your mum to come in and have a chat with him right there and then or would he expect her to wait for him to clean up and get sorted? Chances are that he is not going to want to be chatting to her immediately regardless of how much he likes her! so hopefully he will see that the same holds for you too, the hospital has visiting hours for good reason, that much as you love your MIL and are excited about her meeting her grandchild, until a baby has been born nobody knows what the birth is going to be like - it could be an hour or two, it could be a day or two or end up needing intervention.

and nobody knows how they will be afterwards, so you don't want to commit to anything beforehand - could you in conversation say to your mil something along the lines of 'from talking to m/w, not sure how long these things take and how long it will be before we (ie you / dh / new baby) are ready to see everyone after the birth and all the sorting out afterwards - if it has been an easy birth and it is daytime then maybe a couple of hours to get everything sorted, but if it is nightime and/or if has been particularly long or problematical then they say it is a good idea to try to have the first breast feed and first mother and baby nap before seeing anyone else, so maybe it will be six or seven hours before we invite visitors - and obviously we all want what is best for the baby on it's first day'.

That way at least your MIL will see that you are thinking in hours rather than days and that it is a midwife thing that is best for baby (how can she say that she thinks her needs are more important!) and that you are not specifically excluding her and will tell her in reasonable time. Of course, you will be planning all along for it to be six or seven hours or a day or two, she is not to know that!

You also need to make sure that in conversation you re-iterate that the waiting area is only for birth partners and that you think your dh got the wrong end of the stick slightly at your antenatal lessons, the visiting hours are from xx to yy for grandparents and friends etc. even if it is not the case - and make sure your dh knows this too, even if it is not the case

could you find out from your MIL about her experiences with her children - she might have had bad experiences with over enthusiastic PIL or nice family only bonding time for the first day that a bit of reminding about will work for you too...

good luck in getting the first day you want with your new baby!

After that epic post (sorry) realised I forgot to say something.

when you are at home and have visitors who are getting in the way or giving unwanted/unhelpful advice, it can be very handy to call on the useful and important advice given to you by your midwife...

'My midwife says that it has been shown that it is very important to xxyyzz [insert here whatever you want to do, especially if it involves getting baby and retreating to your own bedroom on your own!]. (assuming you are not going to insert 'drink a bottle of gin' or some such thing here!)

Because even if she hasn't said it yet, you know she would if it makes life better for you and the baby, especially in the early days

And remember, from re-reading your original post, it doesn't sound like you are banning your MIL for the first couple of days, you will be inviting her and your mum to the first visiting hours at the hospital that you and the baby will be well enough for, just be big and brave to repeat this message enough and if the waiting room gets mentioned again, just say sorry, it is just for birth partners only, but you will be at the first visiting hours we are well enough for.

Will you be able to talk to your mum to get her to see that if you tell her and your MIL about the new baby at the same time, there is a good chance that MIL will get to the hospital first? DO you think she will understand or is she expecting you to hold off from telling MIL until she has seen the bbaby first?

oh zip zap all the things you say make perfect sense.

UPDATE
finally the hospital debacle along with the who is going to come and help debacle came up in convo with DH last night. I mentioned is your mum coming down to help with pre baby prep? ( remember -house mess - rooms including nursery not finished - nothing the way I would like it) I'd been told people would be with down with me as soon as X Yand Z ( unavoidable family stuff) was out the way- (fair enough) DH said hmm dunno think they are waiting now till when baby is here as it's so near ( it is a a 2hr drive) so
I have been a right twerp and not made myself very clear.
All I said was " I don't really fancy everyone rushing in five mins after the baby's born, I'd prefer it just you and me" Then unbeknownst to me IL's rang ( nightly call --getting grating tbh) whilst I was asleep and appeared to be reassured again that the lounge might be available ( he doesn't know that it is) and then he came down stairs worrying that the two sets of IL's will clash . I'd given mum number of hotel up the road. He was worried my mum would be insulted that his mum would be in the house helping out once baby was born. I said not to worry because I was sure my mum and dad would stay prob one day max ( but what do I know now???) Anyway I finally bit the bullet and said " I'm not up for people waiting in the lounge - I'm just not " and it ended up in an argument DH said you should have said - I'm caught in the middle now - I've agreed it and you are the only one upset" So in a hormonal flounce I went up to bed sobbing after shouting " This is all (SIL's names) f*kin fault" But I was upset as it all had flooded out.

Stubbornly I stayed up there all night and he never came anywhere near me and slept downstairs. He just went to work early and said Im going to work now bye. I said " Im very upset " he said " So am I , I have got a busy day we will talk about it tonight"

We have NEVER argued like this before and "gone to bed " on an argument. I'm just so upset . I am a twerp. Hew's a twerp for arranging stuff without asking me . I am mad at MIL for assuming and promising stuff. I am lonley fed up and will be sat here with sodding Braxton Hicks until he walks throught the door at seven.

I just want him to put his arms round me and say "it will be fine -I'll sort it " I know some kind of compromise will be expected and I don't want to

rant over - I don't expect much sympathy I have made a hash of it but I have noone else to talk to except virtual strangers online and get my head sorted I haven't stopped crying for 12 hours and my head hurts

".. you are the only one upset" He needs to get his head around the simple fact that birth is not democratic. Many blokes struggle with this concept.

Actually - when you are in the delivery suite the midwives will not let everyone descend on you like they do in the films.
If anyone wants to come in they will ask you first and you can always say No then.
If MIL kicks off about that then just say the whole labour had made you feel very overwhelmed and you needed some time alone with DH and baby to calm down.
Try and make it up with DH tonight. Its a stressful time for both of you and the last thing you need now is to be arguing.
Good luck.

I don't think you should be expected to compromise. And it doesn't put him in a difficult position at all - he can simply phone after baby is born, and explain that things happened so quickly / he was so focussed on you / didn't want to leave you that there wasn't an opportunity to call. By the time you travel down, you will have had a good few hours alone.

I had 5 family members turn up after DS was born, and all were allowed into the surgical recovery room - I was ravenous, but no-one seemed to want to let me eat my toast without talking to me, I still had a catheter in and was numb from em-cs, and was desperate to just sit and hold my baby after a 2 day induced labour! I loved having visitors in hospital, and it is nice that family members want to welcome the new arrival, but this was too much. I am definitely doing things differently this time.

And you are not being unreasonable in the slightest - you are not putting a six week ban on visitors (I know someone who has done this!!), you are simply wanting some private time to enjoy an incredibly special and momentous occasion in your life. Your DH should be telling you not to worry and he will sort it, not stressing you out even more.

Just tell all politely that the thought of everyone hovering around in the lounge waiting for you to "produce" is making you feel very nervous and agitated already(not good for when you're in labour)and you will call when it's OK to come and visit.

I would just say what you want and stick to it. In the long run, their relationship with your PFB will not be majorly affected by this, and they will be smart enough to see that. I wish I'd done this with my PFB, instead had stressful time in hosp with constant visitors and difficulties with feeding, it was v stressful. This time I said absolutely no one was to come to hospital other than my mother, and although PILs managed to sneak in (with my permission) for 5 minutes, it was only because I relented, not because they put the pressure on.

So do what works for you and DH, this is the only time you'll have that first day with your baby.

Just explain to your MIL that you would love her to come during visiting hours. I wish I had been clearer with mine.

My MIL actually sent me a msg by mistake before I had dd, telling BIL, "I have sounded her out, she says she isn't sure how she'll feel". It was very sarcastic in tone (wish I could remember exactly what it said), and basically made it seem like I was being difficult. Despite this, they came up during visiting hours on the day I had her, and then straight away when I got home.

I felt like telling them to bugger off, to be honest. I was emotional, tired and just wanted some space, and probably feeling a little oversensitive.

There is a picture of dh, dd and I on their wall, which she took the day I came home. You can see the sadness in my eyes, and it is such a forced smile on my face. It actually really upsets me to see it every time I go up there.

Be honest and kind. You'll regret it if you don't.

Isoldeone, you poor thing! Your DH is being a twat, he's is not going to be the one in labour for x hours and then pushing out your beautiful baby. Ask him if he will agree to get naked for the delivery, and stay that way while his parents rush in from the lounge?? And that after trying to pass a melon! YOU are the only one who matters at that particular time, if his parents get irked at having to wait a few hours before descending on you then so be it. The important thing is that you can be relaxed heading in to the birth, and not uptight about being 'on show' immediately after hard (but so rewarding!) labour.

Firstly - please don't worry about arguing too much. You are probably both nervous about the birth, and this is how's it's coming out.

Secondly, your DH probably doesn't have the feeling about your baby being real yet, or at least not as much as you, so he'll find it difficult to imagine what you will all need.

Thirdly, I would reiterate about bfeeding. You don't know what your baby will need, but you need (and of course want) to put him/her first. You can say to your husband that you will be tending to your baby firstly, and that is non negotiable. So your MIL can wait a few hours.

Finally, just think, if you have another one, your MIL can look after this one when you go into labour with the next

You are not alone in this. There are tons of us who have struggled/ are struggling with this kind of crap.

Men react best to the logical (in the main)

So remind him that stress slows down labour. Tell him you think having people waiting outside will be stressful. A longer labour than necessary, you could argue, will put un-necessary strain on the baby.

Ask him what the big deal is about his mother having to wait two or three hours before seeing her grandchild. Compare what that means for her in the general scheme of things (bugger all, really) with the amount you'll get out of it (rest, being able to be stitched up if necessary in private, being able to wash possibly, establishing breastfeeding)

And zipzap's point is a good one. Would he like his MIL to see him semi-naked and vulnerable?

If necessary, you're going to have to call your MIL yourself and say, look - this is what I want. It's only a couple of hours, please can I have it? Do try to get it sorted before you go into labour, you don't need the additional stress...

Your poor thing. You should not be worrying about this so soon to your EDD. I had exactly the same sort of issues to deal with - soppy PIL (already grandparents to one child at the time) hanging around in the area (they live a long way from us) for a fortnight before my due date because they were desperate to be there when the baby turned up...with me not knowing when they were going to bugger off. My parents took huge offence as they felt the PILs were muscling in (which they were) so they backed off completely. It was their first grandchild so I was quite sad for their sake about this. I was absolutely DETERMINED not to have anyone visiting me in hospital if my own mother couldn't (not sure why but I do think mother of the mother has an important role here) except DH obviously. In the end, baby arrived late, after PIL had had to fly home (they stupidly forgot to bargain for the baby being overdue) so they didn't meet him till several weeks later. But months, on I am still seething with rage that they muscled in like this without any proper consultation. I felt like the most precious time in my life was hijacked by selfish grandparents. You need to put your foot down. And your MIL's comment about SIL banning her for a couple of days is emotional blackmail.

I agree with others.
Tell them after the baby is born, and for the first visit, set a time and time limit!

Hello.... an update for how it turned out

thank you for all your advice.
my dh came good. He said he understood my wishes came first and that was that.
I felt very guilty and I nearly relented but DH said no he didn't want me changing my mind again at the last minute.He was upset at upsetting his mum ( they are close).
he made the phonecall - I wasn't party to it- I didn't listen in.
he said she understood. He asked if he could point out that he felt differently. I asked him to him to point out it was nothing too personal and try not to go into it too much.
he said for ages that he didn't care but admitted he really wanted the support of his mum there ( big softie) . Guy at work I think has been filling his head with the horror stories of the labour ward from amans perspective.

job done.

have spoken to MIL on phone x2 since . Change of "arrangement" not mentioned.

everyone will be here I think if I get out the hospital quickly. Thems the breaks. So may have to hide out on the post natal ward as long as I can !!!:0

thanks again mnetters

ps now can everyone pray for my waters to break so I can get on with it sooo impatient now - lol