to just want dh and the PFB to myself in the first few hours?

[isoldeone]

12 days to EDD
a few twinges here and there. Am desperate yo give birth in the middle of night as MIL ( who I really get on with) said last week ( admittedly when tiddly) said you need to find out if I can sit in the the maternity lounge ( I think DH described the set up after seeing it on a powerpoint at antenatal class - some kind of inner lounge on the ward for fathers/ family surrounded by delivery rooms) so I can support DH " I won't come into delivery suite of course. " I knew IL's would rush down ( 2hr drive) as soon as baby came into world and tbh honest I did not mind this at all but once the labour is over I can't refuse people not come in for at least an hour or so or can I? Just want to bond as a new little family as dappy as that sounds - will happily welcome family during visiting hours. My mum and dad can't make it straight away ( elderly ) - know my mum will be very hurt by others being there before she can . Don't even want to get into the mum v mil "we will help you afterwards and stay scenario" that's raised it's head already . I haven't said anything and have realised with horror because I haven't - Mum and MIl have made tentative plans and it's all going to end in tears ( probably mine) They don't particularly get on - cordial polite relationship ( 20 year age difference) . My mum can be really difficult and my MIL is very understanding but feel overwhelmed at this stage and don't have the balls to say " give me space - I can do this on my own and will want no matter how bloody difficult it will be " Plus felt awful as MIL mentioned again SIL banned MIL for a day or two after her dc birth and MIl seemed so happy she will be around for mine . Haven't had the guts to bring it up with DH as nothing is certain and noone obviously knows when baby will come.

Shall I keep sticking my head in the sand and just concentrate on baby and let them all get on with it?

We didn't tell anyone that I had gone into labour - told them afterwards it was because we didn't want them worrying

All families are different - my Mum and Dad were absolutely fine when we asked them to wait a week - and when they did arrive my mother rushed around with pillows/meals/cups of tea. MIL arrived after 10 days - again absolutely fine with it, and helped out as well.

If you think that would cause trouble then at least don't tell them when you go into labour so you have some breathing room after. Also, get your DH to really ham up how difficult your labour was and how you are drained/white as a sheet etc to prime them for making their own tea/bringing you meals.

Be shameless!

Have at least the first day and if iut's an evening/night birth then the first two. This is time for parents and baby IMHO not grandparents. A time to get the hang of feeding, not a time for GPs....My first feeds with every baby has been breast out for all to see just to make sure I'm doing it right, again not the time for GPs.

Don't tell anyone about your labour and ask the hospital not to say that you're there, then there's noone hanging around.

I definitely think talk to DH and ascertain what his expectations are - was he assuming his mother would be there?

Hopefully he was just imagining the two of you and you can agree to call both sets of parents once the baby has been born.

First labours can be long and very stop and starty - your mil is surely not going to want to be sat in the waiting room for hours and hours.

Visiting hours are restricted on the post-natal ward if you're intending on going onto one.

With regards to help - take advantage of it. I've just had dc3 and in-laws came to stay and i just let them do all cooking/washing/ironing whilst i hid in my room with new baby - it was rather lovely actually

My parents were welcome (well mother) asap but she was usually abroad, PILs had to wait a week.... I do hate them though.

I didn't have anyone round for at least 24 hours with any of my three. Do what you want to do.

She sounds nice, so could you just talk to her honestly and say you know she would hate to be excluded, but you feel so strongly that you want to be on your own with DH and baby for just a little while, and could you work out a plan with her that would allow that? Maybe ask her to do a vital job such as shopping for baby things/preparing food for when you get home, and arrange for her to come for the first visit/to collect you for going home, so that she feels really involved.

You do feel overwhelmed when in labour and with a newborn and let people push you around. It's a huge help if you can get boundaries in place first. I remember with my pfb I would feel terribly hormonal every evening and just wanted to be left alone to cry non-stop - i HATED having visitors at that time of day because I felt so pressured - but I just didn't have the strength to say "please go". So there's a next time I will lay down the rules beforehand.

My dad turned up in the delivery suite as the doctor was putting his needle and thread away but it wasn't my choice! It was 4am and he had been pacing at home. If he had been ten minutes earlier he could have held the torch!

But, no way would the PIL have got in. It's up to you to tell them when is convenient. DH has a big family and it didn't occur to me that I needed to lay down ground rules. They all turned up as and when, including my least favourite SIL during my very precious quiet time. As I was in a private room they were allowed in and I wasn't happy.

So learn from my mistakes. Of course you need to think about them and their excitement but on your terms. It's the least you'll deserve

I agree totally that it's nice to have the first few hours with just you, DH and the baby.

Really, this is for your DH to address as it's his mother who is likely to be first on the scene. He's there to protect your interests and ensure that your wishes are respected. As others have already said, you're not really going to be in the right state of mind to do that for yourself.

My MIL sounds very similar to yours. She actually flew back from a skiing holiday in France to be there and arrived the afternoon DS arrived. Admittedly, it was good for DH to have her around as he needed looking after too and she took him home (they live nearby), fed him etc. There were a couple of points where I wished she hadn't been there. DS had jaundice and was very slow to feed, the nurse was helping me latch him on and it was all getting a bit much tbh. Luckily the nurse noticed and took hold of the situation, asking MIL to back off a bit (she was practically standing over us!).

Lay down your wishes now and make sure your DH knows what you want. There's loads of time for your PIL to meet their Grandchild and you need to have those first few hours to yourselves.

have you checked if there are strict visiting times, because at our unit you only had visiting between 2-4 and 7-8. there was strictly no visiting at any other times, regardless of what time you give birth unless it was your birth partner. the waiting room is also off the ward, which you had to be buzzed to be let into so no one could sneak on.

Don't tell them you are in labour - call everyone after the birth when you FEEL like it. I called about an hour afterwards and had visitors the next day. If you would prefer though just call them the next day.

If you want your DH in the delivery room with you, and not in the lounge chatting to his mother, that's what you should have!

YANBU. But you are right to broach this tactfully with DH. At this stage he is probably feeling that he wants his mum's support. However, in reality, he will be in the delivery room with you and he will not even realise that his mum is outside. There will be no time for him to pop in and out, unless you want him to! Trust me on this one

Some hospitals do have a place to wait - me and my mum played Scrabble and ate sandwiches for 12 hours while my sister laboured with my first niece (she wanted us there).

Sorry ahven't read all of the responses so excuse if repeating.

You need to get it straight with Dh now what you want and the fact is that that is wheat most important.

If in laws are far away then don't ring them too soon. Wait til you are at hospital and say 9cm .

Agree with those who said to wait until you are ready before you ring them. And stand up for your own rights to recover a bit before having to play host to loads of people.

We had a welcome committee waiting for us at home on the day we brought our first home (at 8.30pm, expecting a quiet bite to eat and then bed). I was mortified. They didn't leave till 11pm and I was exhausted, and I still feel resentful about it now, 2.5 yrs on.

You need to set the rules beforehand. Hide behind the hospital rules, or say that because your parents can't come immediately, you'd like to make sure it is fair and have all the GPs wait until you are settled at home before visiting.

Set visiting hours at home too - and if they don't leave when you want them to, retreat upstairs and say you need to feed/change/whatever, just so you can have some time.

It is especially important if your DP is off work for only a short time - you want to make the most of that time together. If you have visitors for the whole 2 weeks, and then suddenly your DP goes back to work and you are left alone, it might be a bit of a shock to be suddenly on your own. Save some of the visits for that time.

IME my head was mince for the first couple of days, my body knackered, and my house chaos. Having visitors or making visits on top of this was a real strain (but I didn't realise this at the time iyswim).

If I was to do it again I'd not see anyone except DP for the first five days and retire to bed with the babe. And stock up the freezer in advance, and hire a cleaner.

I'd have a chat with your DP and ask him to let your MIL know that she'd be a much greater help at your home hopefully hoovering and making caseroles until it's the official hospital visiting time (which they are pretty strict with).

good luck.

Just to give the other opinion.... I felt the same before DS arrived, but once he had I actually couldn't wait to show him off and have some company in the hospital (DH was there but it was nice to see some other faces). I had em cs so was in for a few days. If you really get on with your MIL can you discuss your feelings with her? Mine was fab - she came to help, sat with me a helped me sooth DS when my milk hadn't come in and he was crying, made us dinner, cleaned my kitchen but didn't disturb me at all when I disappeared off to my room to feed. She didn't visit me until DS was 24 hours old though.

I would tell her all about skin to skin and how important it is, and how having time with the baby by yourself ir really important, get the textbooks out etc. etc..... make it sound as though skin to skin should be carried out with no-one else about (as it should but make it sound like a rule!) I'm sure she'll understand.

think it will also depend what time you give birth as i had dd and ds in different hospitals but only allowed people in at visiting time except for birthing partner.
i had ds at 4am so mil didnt see him till2pm and with dd i had her at 8pm and was discharged beofre visiting hours the next day.

i felt fine after dd and prefered to pack baby up and get out the house for a couple of hours rather than have people descend on us

Don't tell anyone when you've gone into labour. When people kept phoning to ask, we just kept saying 'as soon as there is some news we will tell you'. Just let them get the 6am call or whenever it is, and then dp can say 'visiting hours are xyz' and let them pop down during visiting.

After ds1 was born our hosp leave the parents alone with baby in the room for at least half an hour.

Then it was another half an hour to help me to the shower etc, baby had needed rescuscitation so no one could have seen him straight away anyway. Not to mention me after ventouse still with legs in the air being stitched up for AGES after the placenta took an age to come out too!

Then another half hour or so to settle on the ward. At our hosp only dads allowed outside visiting times and only 2 visitors per bed at the visiting hours so my mum and dad came 1st afternoon and the il's in the evening.

Both times I just let them coo over baby while I went and hobbled around the ward/made phonecalls(/tried to have a poo ) etc

Whilst some people say 'its your baby you do what you like', I would say that its not just your baby its some other people's grand child too and they are as desperate to meet him or her as you are.

It may be their grandchildren but that doesn't mean you have to put yourself into a position you're uncomfortable with. My in-laws are insisting we call them the minute I go into labour. We're planning to forget to do this, and to call them when the baby's actually born. There may be a certain degree of fall-out from this, but tough.

The last thing I need in labour is having to think about keeping other people up to date. And it's not unreasonable for you to have a few hours to yourself after the birth.

But you are going to have to bite the bullet and address who's staying after the birth. Neither your mum nor MIL should just have assumed. But if you haven't contradicted either of them, you'll have to correct the situation asap... or have them both there!

Since you get on well I would just have a very honest chat with her-I'm sure she will be fine-it isn't as if you are expecting her to wait 3 weeks, or even 3 days.

Are you planning to bf?

If so, I would lay down the law about getting people in when you are ready. I had terrible trouble getting it established, and my mother rocking up and refusing to budge from the bedside was fecking awful.
It added considerably to the stress.

Your DH is sounds like a nice bloke, but he needs to understand that you and the new baby are his top priority, and that he needs to put your needs first, before his own, and before the needs of his mother.

You need this time to bond, to recover, and it is a very very intimate time, so tell MIL when you are in recovery. Not before

"No I wouldn't want my mum or MIL waiting in the wings thanks, I know some do, but for me its as intimate a time as the conception and I didn't want them sat outside the door then either!! "

exactly how i feel.

I know my mum will happily keep to waiting hours . They are v strict but didn't realise about "Two named visitors during labour" - she would be hurt and probably a little confused by MIL being there. She finds it funny DH is going to be there being of that generation.

oh dear - think I have left it a little late to set the ground rules for the homecoming. originally I did not think my mum would be up to it and realise that but when I mentioned MILs plan to help out possibly when DH had gone back to work( way back months ago and TBH she will be I'm sure really helpful and less stress than my dear old mum which feels so alwful to type - everyone knows that) my mother had gone very quiet over the phone and said " BUT I'M YOUR MOTHER" . So I have taken the cowards way out and not mentioned any solid plans to anyone - just said things like we are getting excited and hoped the whole issue would go away.

Now of course this week everyone has started the "We'll help... its such an exhausting time" I thought this was gonna be tricky but the mIL at actual labour ward plan has caught me completely unaware. I will talk to DH . I can talk to MIL about the labour ward and I think she will understand . I just hate upsetting ( nice) people but everyone's right i can feel resentment building up in me already becuase of it and thinking " I'll be fine on my own - ta!" ButI haven't seen my mum in 7 months so I have to let her help out and just hope I can deal with the moans and comes good like mums do. I could be a complete bitch I guess and blame it on the hormones . Plus there's no spare room for anyoone to overnight in and I'm clinging on to the hope that practicalities and timings will put off everyones plans... after all I have had promises of pre baby help for several weeks now and am sat here on my tod still everyday whilst DH is at work. That's partly the trouble too much time to think - sigh...... but will talk to DH, I just hope this does not cause arguments - suspect it might cos I have left it too late but might play the innocent " your mum was joking - wasn't she..."

Thanks everyone for your stories and advice -gonna be complicated this family business and being a mum isn't it???

That mention of Friends got me thinking - we were watching that episode where Ross' son is born, just before I went into labour. DH didn't think it was that weird until I pointed out it would be like all his mates hanging around in the delivery suite! And why do they always all go to the hospital and wait throughout the entire labour every time someone has a baby? I like my friends but I'm not that dedicated!!

One thing to bear in mind - it is wonderful that you have this great relationship with your MIL. It will stand you in good stead for the years to come
What you don't want to do is ruin it by ending up resenting your MIL for ruining your first few precious hours with your pfb.

I had a similar situation. My PIL and BIL ended up in my house for the first two days after I came back from hospital with ds (he was early, the stay had been agreed months before) I got more and more frustrated,but dh didn't want to make them feel unwelcome by telling them to push off. In the end, I sat my (lovely) MIL down and told her we had loved having them there, but really wanted a little quiet space on our own - did she mind?
She was totally understanding, and clearly really devastated that it hadn't occured to her that we might want this. And was gone about an hour later
We still have a great relationship - and it's definately easier for me to talk to her about tricky stuff than dh.

What I would do, is make maximum use of pg hormones and sort it out asap.