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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow DD2 to go on this trip and say no to my friend?

59 replies

lettuceinthegarden · 07/08/2009 16:36

A friend of mine rung up this morning to say she was going on a day trip to France at the end of August with her DP an DD. She then went on and told me she'd bought a ticket for DD2 to go with them (she's 8).

Feelings about it at the moment are:

  • I don't feel happy letting her go tbh. I rung and told DH and he said there is no way she is going.
  • Friend has never mentioned it before and is only telling me after she's booked it.
  • She lives round the corner, so I can't say we're going away as she'd see!
  • Don't really know her new DP and not sure I want DD with them for the day in France ( There is a story behind that but I don't think its necessary to post that here).

Just want advice really. AIBU to not let DD2 go?
I feel a bit of a meany now i've posted this but I just don't feel comfortable with it.

How do I tell her? She's can be quite fierce and secretly, I am scared of her or saying no

OP posts:
QOD · 07/08/2009 17:18

Do what I do - blame the husband ....
I have a friend who has told me before that her ex fil beat his wife & son (her childrens dad who she is estranged from becuase he beat her up...)yet still, once a year she asks if she can take my dd to their house for a day - for company for her dd. They live about an hour from me.
I say no sorry, dh won't have it
Then its not my fault!
(and infact both of us wouldnt allow it for th above reasons)

smiles4miles · 07/08/2009 17:20

I don't think your being unreasonable at all you've just got the best interests of your child at heart. I'd be honest with all parties and explain your reasons why.

cupofteaplease · 07/08/2009 17:36

I would just tell her the truth.
But... I would happily let my dd go if it is for a day trip (or perhaps I have misunderstood and it is a holiday?) I think she'd enjoy the ferry ride and it would be company for your friend's dd. Also, it's France, not Oz! I'm probably in the minority though.
However, she is your dd and if you are not happy with her going, then YANBU to put your foot down.

questioneverything · 07/08/2009 17:51

YANBU- its a massive imposition, it shows zero respect, and is presumptious. And a good splash of control freakery.

juuule · 07/08/2009 17:59

Yanbu - Just tell her you are not happy to let your dd go.

If you want to be nice say that it was very thoughtful of her. I think it was more manipulative and scheming than thoughtful though, tbh. Otherwise, why didn't she mention it before she bought the ticket? Is she wanting your dd to go to keep her dd company?

babyignoramus · 07/08/2009 18:18

I bet they're going on a booze cruise and know their DD will whinge at being dragged round the hypermarkets without your DD there to keep her company.......

gero · 07/08/2009 18:23

She sounds completely overbearing and a friend you could do well without. Do not let anyone come between your maternal instincts and your DD.

Stand up to her for your sake and your daughters. Get you DH to tell her your DD is not going and she has no right in buying a ticket without even asking you. What does an 8yr old want with a day trip to France? A total rubbish day out for a child of that age.

Squitten · 07/08/2009 18:31

YANBU - She shouldn't have bought the ticket without asking you first.

If you really feel that you must make an excuse, just say that you already have family event planned

Original poster
lettuceinthegarden · 07/08/2009 18:37

Thanks everyone. Am planning to use the lost passport excuse!

She is away for a few days which is good as when she is here, she likes the dds to see eachother every flippin' day!

It can be so suffocating and just .. eurgh!

OP posts:
CarGirl · 07/08/2009 18:43

Why don't you say you've got made plans for that day that you don't wish to cancel.

You have a few days to make them whilst she's away. visit friends or something?

TwoHot · 07/08/2009 18:54

I would say I wasnt comfortable with my DD going to another country atm because of the Swine flu/terrorist threat/rain etc. If she argued I would nod and smile and repead no. Good luck.

oldraver · 07/08/2009 19:54

The simple fact she booked the tivket behing your back and presumed she could take her would make me say no, cheeky mare

independiente · 07/08/2009 19:56

I think you should stick to your guns, but why lie? Lieing is icky.
Just say that you feel DD is too young to go abroad without you. That you're sorry that she bought the ticket, but if she'd run it by you first, you would have been able to tell her how you felt in good time.

independiente · 07/08/2009 19:58

Sorry, 'lying'.

5Foot5 · 07/08/2009 20:33

I don't think you should use the passport lie. As others say, simply tell her you are not comfortable at DD going abroad without you.

If she is this overbearing then you are always going to be hiding behind excuses unless you learn to stand up to her.

Not good for you or your DD.

slowreadingprogress · 07/08/2009 20:54

I certainly wouldn't tell her you've lost your dd's passport. As others have said you just don't need to lie. Don't let her put you in the position of being the one lying!

Yes it may take some assertiveness but tell her the truth. She is totally presumptuous to book this without asking you for an eight year old - it's weird.

DO be brave and tell her that you simply don't want your dd to go abroad without you at this age. That is a very normal and sensible way to feel so do not let her undermine you!!! But if you make excuses for yourself all the time it'll never end.

forehead · 07/08/2009 20:59

Tell her the truth , which is that you are uncomfortable with your dd going without you. If your 'friend' takes it badly that's her problem. She sounds very difficult. You said that you're scared of her fgs . What kind of a friend is that?

seaturtle · 07/08/2009 22:02

Agreeing with OhBling here. You don't need an excuse and she was out of line to buy your DD a ticket without asking you. In fact, I'd consider that a long way beyond that line! The matching clothes are slightly creepy too.

pollywobbledoodle · 07/08/2009 22:08

why do you call her a friend?

edam · 07/08/2009 22:09

Sounds like a very odd friendship, tbh. Why do you let her boss you around so much?

piscesmoon · 07/08/2009 22:18

I don't think you need any excuse-just tell her that you don't want her to go. You are not responsible-she should have asked first.If you are frightened of her reaction, I would question whether you actually want her as a friend.

mrsruffallo · 07/08/2009 22:26

I agree with others who say yu need to stand up to her.
The best thing to do with these kind of people is to be straight in the first place. Why didn't you refuse the offer when she first phoned to tell you that she bought the ticket?

This doesn't sound like a friendship with much respect tcb

Original poster
lettuceinthegarden · 07/08/2009 23:00

She is a friend. Sort of.

We only became friends because our DDs liked to play together from school. They are in a very small class of 10 (next year DD has been moved to the other class - hooray!)

She can be very bossy sometimes and I find it hard to ever say no to her as i'm scared what she may do to me. I've her moan to me about other mums and say all sorts of things that would scare me if she was saying about me.

The house situation is odd too. She moved into a rented house round the corner from ours, when she had originally lived about 12 miles away which wasn't so bad.

Plus, if my dd2 gets something, like a wii, or a ds lite or something, she goes and buys the exact same thing for her DD.

We've had to keep a dance class she goes to a secret so she could do something without this other girl!

OP posts:
lou031205 · 07/08/2009 23:17

She clearly admires you, though

DandyLioness · 07/08/2009 23:37

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