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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel a little wary of joint bank account?

69 replies

Stigaloid · 07/08/2009 10:34

My DH is excellent with money and I trust him completely however I like having my own bank account because i like earning my own money and spending it on what i want to without someone else being able to look at my spending an comment.

a few years ago DH opened a 'joint' account, which he views as joint but i view as his. I do have access to it but never use it as it is his income. On rare occassions it gets used by me would be when DH tells me to pay a cheque for something for the house or DC from that account. In general DH pays for mortgage and bills and i pay for all food, clothing and sundries for family.

DH would like me to close down my personal bank account and put all my money in joint account. Part of me doesn't mind but a big part of me feels like i will be losing my last semblance of independance doing this. When we bought a car together DH put the insurance in his name so he could build up a no claims bonus but at the expense of me losing my 8 years no claim bonus. I have a better credit history than DH as i have been with my current bank for 15 years, and to close it would mean losing my account history.

AIBU? I probably am but i just don't want him commenting on how much money i spend on shoes or shopping or what have you. It feels a bit controlling to me.

Advice ladies and gentlemen please.

OP posts:

Oblomov · 07/08/2009 19:42

I am with strongblackcoffee. I had no idea that I was so int he minority. And I think that is truely really sad.

floaty · 07/08/2009 19:45

Actually the reverse is true on probate ,all single assets are frozen,joint are fine.so if you don't have a joint accoiunt with your dh and anything untoward was to ahppen you would not be able to toucha penny until probate,joint accounts automatically retain access.I deal with this for a living,estates where all the assets are separtaet are a nightmare.

lovechoc · 07/08/2009 19:47

YANBU. We have a joint account but that's only for CB and CTC payments to go into, and I use that to do food shopping during the week or any clothing DS needs.
DH puts all his wages into his own seperate account and I also have a seperate account too (but it's only to pay my DD for car, insurances etc).

I can understand why people are wary (even within a marriage) of wanting to keep their money seperate even though they are in a steady relationship. I think it's more to do with having your independence than not wanting to 'share'.

I think your DH is being cautious, and feels that it would make life easier if you just had the one bank account together.

MummyDragon · 07/08/2009 19:52

ChristieF - the joint accounts are not frozen on death, but the accounts solely in the name of the deceased are frozen until probate is sorted out, so even more reason to have a joint account!

Did your FIL not leave a will? - that might account for what happened to your MIL ...

toughmuv · 07/08/2009 20:35

I don't NEED to account to anyone about anything (Apart from letting my mum think I spent £50 on a bag when it cost a lot more than that!) because I've always had to look after myself financially. Everything good and bad is down to me and I prefer it that way.

Mentioned this thread to DP and he shuddered at the idea of a joint account only. Like me, he thinks joint account for bills, etc, everything else separate. We don't live together or anything, but we both buy stuff for DS as necesary. We lend each other cash, we pay each other back, or we just buy stuff for each other. He also puts away a percentage of his wage for DS's college.

I do earn a lot more than him, but he knows everything I earn and spend cos he puts it all on a spreadsheet for me. Same with him - I have access to most of his accounts. We don't hide anything from each other - but as we both joked, we both need a stash in case of needing to parachute out of a situation.

But that's what works for us.

scrummymum · 07/08/2009 23:28

Oblomov, I'm with you. It is a complete mystery to me too how so many people who share their lives, children, future are not willing to share their money.

Me and DH joined our bank accounts when we got engaged and starting saving for our first house. I earned more than him at the time but now I am a SAHM and don't earn a penny. Where would I be? Would DH have to pay me a salary?

DH and I both know where we are financially and buy what we like, within reason. If one of us needs something big, then we discuss it as a couple.

Obviously, if you are comforable with separate accounts then that is up to you. I just find it a little strange.

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/08/2009 23:49

Can I just ask if anyone knows what would happen if : one partner has mortgage paid from their sole account, the other pays bills/food from theirs. They split, go to court to divide assets. Would partner who paid mortgage be able to claim a bigger share of the house on the basis that they were paying for it and the other wasn't? Just a half-memory from the distant past, don't know if that's how it works now (if it ever did).

Personally, we have always had a joint account. When we were just seeing each other but lived separately, we paid the same sum in monthly and used it for weekends away, meals out, theatre tickets etc. (Sigh. Those were the days.) When we moved in together our salaries went into the joint account and a standing order paid us both the same 'pocket money' to our sole accounts. If it's a joint expense, it comes out the joint account. Everything for DS from joint account. Sole account purely for frivolous self-indulgence, on both our parts.

It's funny how money is more personal and private than absolutely everything else. I can pretty much expect to meet a stranger, get chatting, and know the details of their health and marriage within minutes, but I never expect to ever find out how much even my closest friends and family earn. (except for DH, because of the joint account .)

mumeeee · 08/08/2009 00:10

DH and I have a joint bank account where all our money goes. We can both access this and all or bills are paid from it and we can use it to buy stuff for ourselves, I also have an housekeeping account the money for this is transfered from the main account. We both have personell ISA's so we both have some savings. We both buy things and niether of us comment on what the other one has spent. But if either of us wants to buy something big then we do discuss it. We find this system works well and I don't think it's controlling at all/

MsHighwater · 08/08/2009 00:14

It never occurred to dh or me to do anything other than have a joint account when we married. With the sole exception of a savings account in my name (retained that way because dh was more "at risk" of being a high rate taxpayer than I was) and excluding pre-existing financial products like ISAs, every single penny that either dh or I possess is held jointly and it would seem odd to me to do it differently. Then again, we have complementary attitudes to money and neither of us is irresponsible. We also trust one another 100%

I confess that I wonder what it says about other people's relationships when they do it differently - especially if they have no joint finances at all. Maybe something, maybe nothing. I don't know.

BUT don't be coerced into it, OP. If it doesn't feel right, then don't. Might be worth exploring why it doesn't though.

lovechoc · 08/08/2009 11:40

I don't think there's anything wrong with the main breadwinner keeping their money in their own account atall. If I need money then I get it, no questions asked (all the money usually goes on food and clothing anyway).

DH pays for everything, and I'm a SAHM so get money when I need it.

fluffles · 08/08/2009 16:17

having separate accounds isn't necessarily about 'accounting' to your partner in our case it's about separating out the necessaries of life (including savings) from our 'spending money' so that both of us know without having to do any sums what we can afford to spend on ourselves... and so that what we spend on ourselves is roughly equal whether for one of us that's a posh coffee and sandwich every day for a fiver while the other spends almost nothing daily then blows on something for a hundred quid once a month.

even when i was single i budgeted each week and separated out the 'spending money' for the month so i was never in risk of spending money required for something important.

works for us and we've NEVER gone overdrawn using this method.

junglist1 · 08/08/2009 17:16

I wouldn't have a problem with a joint account for bills as well as separate accounts but balls to closing your account to pool your money with his.

Original poster

Stigaloid · 10/08/2009 10:24

Well i have decided to go with the joint account but to have a separate savings account, which i will transfer a set amount each month into, so that when it comes to christmas, birthdays and general treats, i have access to my own private stash and DH won't know what i have got him for pressies or how much they cost.

DH is much happier with this idea and to be honest it works even better in my favour. Lookinf at my last few months statements, there are only a handful of transactions that are solely for me and all the others are for food for family and DS.

I am at peace with the idea - i am horrendous with change so i think the idea of closing down something i had been using for 16 years and doing something different was a bit overwhelming at first, but i am happy to have a joint with a separate savings pot.

Thanks for all the advice ladies - really appreciated.

OP posts:

beanieb · 10/08/2009 10:31

"DH would like me to close down my personal bank account and put all my money in joint account"

is his income going to go into it as well?

Personally I would keep going as you are and just decide on a set amount you both want to pay into the joint account to cover bills etc.

TabithaTwitchet · 10/08/2009 10:45

We only have a joint account, and all our money goes into it. We each have an ISA, but just because it is in individual names (because you have a personal limit) doesn't mean that I think of mine as just belonging to me. It's just a place to put some of our money.
If I want to treat myself I do, if DH does, ditto. We have never tried to make sure that we get equal amounts to spend, if DH spends more than me in a month I don't feel hard done by (in fact I probably wouldn't notice anyway)
We would always discuss big purchases together anyway, regardless of whether we had multiple accounts or not, because all the money belongs to both of us equally. That (to us at least) is part of what marriage is about.

funkybuddah · 10/08/2009 12:06

My OH and I each have our own bank accounts (he has a couple so do I but we alsohave 1 joint one which we each put in a certain amount of our income into to cover the bills rent etc, all related direct debits come out of this account, I dont see how that could be losing your independance as im assuing you do pay towards household bills? this was once I have put my amount in, anythign left is my money to do with as i please.

JetLi · 10/08/2009 12:16

Same as funkybuddah in this house - account each and a joint account that we both have a standing order into, and the bills are paid from that. We also have a second joint account for savings for holidays etc. Always worked fine for us.

hellywobs · 10/08/2009 14:17

We each have our own accounts, into which our salaries are paid. We then have a joint account for bills, into which we have standing orders proportionate to our salaries for enough to pay the bills. We tend to buy things for ds out of our own money, it's very much for the mortgage and bills.

My dh wants to keep his own account as he doesn't want us to be buying birthday/Christmas presents for each other out of an account we both have access to and therefore can see what the other is spending.

smugmumofboys · 10/08/2009 14:33

DH and I have a joint account for house stuff and separate accounts. This works fine.

My only wobble about only having a joint account comes from my DB's thieving bitch ex-wife cleared out their joint account after she dumped him which contained tens of thousands earned principally by him.

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