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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a little wary of joint bank account?

69 replies

Stigaloid · 07/08/2009 10:34

My DH is excellent with money and I trust him completely however I like having my own bank account because i like earning my own money and spending it on what i want to without someone else being able to look at my spending an comment.

a few years ago DH opened a 'joint' account, which he views as joint but i view as his. I do have access to it but never use it as it is his income. On rare occassions it gets used by me would be when DH tells me to pay a cheque for something for the house or DC from that account. In general DH pays for mortgage and bills and i pay for all food, clothing and sundries for family.

DH would like me to close down my personal bank account and put all my money in joint account. Part of me doesn't mind but a big part of me feels like i will be losing my last semblance of independance doing this. When we bought a car together DH put the insurance in his name so he could build up a no claims bonus but at the expense of me losing my 8 years no claim bonus. I have a better credit history than DH as i have been with my current bank for 15 years, and to close it would mean losing my account history.

AIBU? I probably am but i just don't want him commenting on how much money i spend on shoes or shopping or what have you. It feels a bit controlling to me.

Advice ladies and gentlemen please.

OP posts:
toughmuv · 07/08/2009 12:07

YANBU!! Far from it.

Totally agree with what ChristieF said. Maybe you could ask him to open a single account, as others have suggested.

One of my friends had a business account with her Not-soDP and when they went through a rough patch, he froze the account until she would talk to him. Not at all suggesting this will happen to you,I've always been of the mind that I need to have money of my own. I've earned it so I should be able to spend it without comment.

Has he actually told you why he wants you to close your accounts, or are you just assuming that's why? Sorry, just nosey!

weegiemum · 07/08/2009 12:13

We only have a joint account.

Well, not only. But everything is paid into joint acc - dh wages, any freelance pay I get, child benefit etc....

We each get an "allowance" into our own account each month - to spend on ourselves or buy presents for each other etc....

Everything else comes out of the joint acc - food, clothes, bills, mortgage etc.....

Maybe I am a weird woman, but I don't want to be independent of DH. We are married. We have everything in common, including "for richer, for poorer". He has supported out family while I have been a SAHM. But I had full access to all the money all of that time. If I ever went back to work, I would also feel the same (and I do with my occasional freelancing).

I trust dh 100%. He trusts me. We want to have joint finances, as it is part of us being a couple.

verytiredmummy · 07/08/2009 12:27

We recently closed our single accounts and put all our money into a joint account. Like the OP I was a bit uncertain about it at first, but actually it's made life so much easier. Budgeting is simpler and everything is more straightforward.

I did have some savings, which I gave to my husband to pay an unexpected tax bill, so now I have none. When we start saving again (once we've paid off the credit card), it'll be together.

everythingistaken · 07/08/2009 12:30

i would NEVER have one, but i was in a controllin relationship and had to account for every penny even with bills i had to go through amounts and would get questioned.
But if you trust your partner 100% that he won't do this to you, i can't see why not.

strongblackcoffee · 07/08/2009 12:40

what an interesting thread, I had no idea I was in such a minority.

We only have a joint account, our savings are in joint names. Suits us fine - all our earnings get paid in (I'm PT), we both spend on whatever from this account. Tbh we don't really buy much stuff for ourselves, so I guess this makes a difference. But it works for us. I'm just a bit nervous about the probate stuff now, will have to investigate that.

But in answer to the OP, yanbu at all - do whatever you feel suits you best. It does seem that the most standard thing is to have a joint account and two individual ones, seems to suit most people...

OrangeKnickers · 07/08/2009 12:41

another vote for the joint account. It just makes life easier, and seems more honest.

(tho the bit about the probate is interesting).

All our money is joint and we earn roughly the same now I am part time. I put aside £50 a month into premium bonds as my savings so I have 'fuck-it' money. But so far I haven't really used it. But it's nice to have if I wanted to splash out on something dh really didn't apporve of.

I guess it means that we probably do spend a bit less each on treats but on the plus side we probably save more. And can do long term savings plans together [errrrrrrrr geeky].

Unlikelyamazonian · 07/08/2009 13:19

I would NEVER have a joint account again. I got my exh onto my account and it was a terrible mistake.

I had a blemish-free credit history and a generous ten thousand pound overdraft limit on this account - which I used once only, to put a deposit down on a house, but it was comforting somehow to know it was there in case of some big emergency. I was/am very good with money, ex-h was shit with money and had a poor credit history (two previous county court judgements against him for non-payment of mortgage and bills with his ex partner).

I allowed him to become a joint account-holder on my single account. The marriage failed spectacularly and suddenly and he raided the entire overdraft, leaving me ten thousand overdrawn. He withdrew ten thousand from our joint savings account too, leaving it with 48p in it. He left the country and we are not in contact.

It has caused me terrible stress. I am not saying your relationship will go pear-shaped obviously, but it is a serious thing to consider. FWIW I rang Radio 4 Moneybox about my case for some advice and the expert there exhaled big-time and said he ALWAYS advises couples AGAINST having a joint account for the very reason I am suggesting: you do not have a crystal ball.

HTH

juicychops · 07/08/2009 13:19

i would never have a joint bank account again. had one with my ex and not only did he clear it out at every night out he ever had with his mates, but he nearly bankrupted me a few months ago as the bank hadn't removed my name from the joint account 3 years ago when we split up and i was lible to pay his 2k debt he had ran up but was exempt from paying himself as he has already declared himself bankrupt

never again will i make the same mistake!

juicychops · 07/08/2009 13:19

sorry, 4 years ago!

fleximum · 07/08/2009 13:28

We have a joint account but until last week, despite being married for 7 years, my DS didn't have access to the internet banking. We agreed that I would look after the money side of things so he doesn't pay much attention to it. When it comes to present time, he asks me not to look at the credit card statement so I can't see what he has been doing. I think ultimately you have to do what works for you.

mumof2222222222222222boys · 07/08/2009 13:42

We have sep accounts and a joint into which we both transfer money for mortgage etc. It works fine. No big secrets, but I would rather the exact amount I spent on my hair etc remained my business.

OP - YANBU

Blondeshavemorefun · 07/08/2009 17:17

we have a joint account

but also have 2 seperate accounts for ourselves

we transfer money each month into jint after we have been paid

joint covers EVERYTHING to do with house,mortgage, bills,food etc

not sure why you cant have both, there is no reason for you to close down your account stigaloid

fluffles · 07/08/2009 17:24

i'm another one in favour of a joint account for EVERYTHING that is 'necessary' and two personal accounts for unecessary/fun stuff... my friend's DH calls his his 'gadget account' whereas hers is her 'shoe account' my DPs is definately a 'bike account' mine i don't know... books i guess are my luxury item.

TheProfiteroleThief · 07/08/2009 17:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MummyDragon · 07/08/2009 17:50

I agree with bruffin - we have everything in one joint account. I don't question what DH spends and he doesn't question what I spend. He earns the money; I balance our chequebook; it works for us. We trust each other and respect each other! When I inherited some money it went into our joint account and we decided jointly how to spend it. It would not have occurred to me to say, "this money came to me from my parents, you don't get to say what I spend it on."

On a practical level, if one of us died or became incapacitated, it would be one less administrative hassle to deal with - sorting out someone else's bank account can be a nightmare and I've had to do it 3 times.

Do you not want your DH to know what you spend on treats, shoes, etc, because you think he would resent it? Or do you feel that the money you earn is yours and not his?

JammyQueenOfTheSewers · 07/08/2009 18:07

We each have our own account, and a joint account as well. 1st of each month we each pay an agreed ammount by standing order from our individual into joint account. Joint account then covers all food, most car fuel, the mortgage and the usual bills (council tax, gas, electric, phone, broadband, house insurance, car insurance), plus some goes into savings account, which together with the child benefit manages to pay for holidays and DD's clothes and a few luxuries and/or bits of household maintenance. So all the necessaries (and a bit more) are covered jointly and whatever I have left in my individual account is mine to save or spend as I wish. And similarly for DH. Seems to work well for us at least!

peppapighastakenovermylife · 07/08/2009 18:10

Just out of interest - is there anyone on this thread who is the main earner and has only a joint bank account?

curiositykilled · 07/08/2009 18:12

Probably NBU to be wary. But if you share a marriage and DCs already you should really add him to your account if it is important to him. I had been on DH's account for a number of months before we married and felt a bit unreasonably clingy to my account too but signed it over when we got hitched. Not sure why I wanted to keep it to myself really, it was £2000 overdrawn !

KatyS36 · 07/08/2009 18:23

been with partner for 8 years, happily married for 8 months, pregnant with first child.

We both have our own accounts, and no joint account. We do a simple tot up every few weeks and transfer money to each other accordingly. This takes 10 minutes, we think is easier than managing a joint account and we are both happy.

I would always want my own account. There are two reasons for this. Firstly I can treat my husband to dinner, and it really is a treat. Secondly, I don't want to have to admit what I spend on haircuts, although I have told him this.

Its what makes you both happy that is important and our system works for us. We share our money, but manage it independently.

Squitten · 07/08/2009 18:28

It's just about what method you both prefer to use to divide up your money. You don't need to have a joint account but there's also no pressing need not to have one, if you get me.

DH has his own bank accounts and his salary goes in there. I'm a SAHM and I have my own bank accounts into which DH puts money whenever I run out for my own purposes and for sundries for the house/family. We then have a joint account (which DH also pays into) for mortgage, bills and food shopping. We prefer that arrangement purely so that we can see the bulk of our household expenses on one statement.

Unlikelyamazonian · 07/08/2009 19:03

I was the main earner when we set up a joint account. Now I earn feck all, thinking that he was goin to support me while ds was a baby until I went back to work. But he has vanished with all our lolly and left me with a 6 month old son and nothing financially at all except a whopping great debt. And, apparently, a fridge, a car and s cooker which I should have sold to be in clover.

Honestly. FFS. You have to read the small print with some husbands.

He was nice to start with. He is having a lovely time shagging his burmese lady-love and working for spriger publications in germany on the back of some old sob story about me being a drunken mad loon. Pass the drunken mad loon beer nuts someone please...

Oblomov · 07/08/2009 19:31

It is a mystery to me why people DON'T have a joint account. We ahve always had one.
Why would you have to 'account' for what they have bought?
I spend what I want, when I want. My dh does the same. I never lie. I never stash purchases in the back of the cupboard. We can do this because we are sensible and respect eachother and we never do silly things or spend big amounts without discussing it. I though that was what a 'marriage' was.
I just don't 'get' the need for seperate accounts. Evem after I read peoples reasons, I just don't 'get' it.

troutpout · 07/08/2009 19:34

I'm with obmolov

Oblomov · 07/08/2009 19:37

Do you all have to 'account' to your dh's about what you buy ?
REALLY ? I mean you REALLY do this ?
If the children need something, I buy. If I fancy a pair of shoes, I buy.

I just don't understand why he would 'quiz' yuo ? why do you need the independance. Are you planningto buy more shoes or go on more spa holidays, once you get your single account, than you do now ????

Oblomov MUST be missing something here. Because of all my years on MN i see this from time to time, and I STILL don't get it.

Oblomov · 07/08/2009 19:39

Peppa, we have only a joint. And we earn the same.