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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask DP not to come into DD's room and put the main light on when she's just gone to sleep?

27 replies

Biccy · 06/08/2009 20:06

This has happened a couple of times now.

For whatever reason, DP comes home late from work; house is quiet because I've been putting dd (3.2) to bed. Our routine is to sing songs then put her bedside light out and she goes to sleep, but she likes me to sit there (it takes just a few minutes for her to nod off).

So, he comes up, comes into the room, and switches the overhead light on. I asked him to turn it off and he leaves the room. I then go and find him and ask 'why do you do that?'. And he says 'because I don't know if you are in there or not'. When I say 'well, putting the main light on when somebody is asleep may wake them up' he says, 'oh, ok, whatever...' in a big hrmph and stomps off.

He is now banging about in the kitchen in a huff with me.

Please tell me who is being unreasonable here.

OP posts:
whatmaisieknew · 06/08/2009 20:08

he is. That's annoying.

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 06/08/2009 20:08

Both of you.

Longtalljosie · 06/08/2009 20:09

He is. He's being an idiot. Where else would you be?

Littlefish · 06/08/2009 20:14

He's being a twat. If you're not downstairs, surely it must be pretty obvious that you're putting dd to bed.

However, perhaps rather than asking him why he does it, you could just ask him not to do it.

MIAonline · 06/08/2009 20:15

1st time, not unreasonable for him to do it by mistake.

2nd time, very unreasonable, I mean it's not rocket science to know where you are at DD;s bedtime is it?

completelyshotpelvicfloor · 06/08/2009 20:19

had a similar situation here so had a sign that i stuck on the front door saying "baby's bedtime beware!" - I told other half that it was because of canvassers etc coming to the door in the middle of the bedtime routine so he didn't even think that it was because of him. no problems since.

snala · 06/08/2009 20:23

He is. If he wakes dd up banging about let him soothe her back to sleep.

Original poster
Biccy · 06/08/2009 20:27

I think maybe when the dust has settled, in fact, perhaps only if it happens I again, I will take MIAonline's advice and ask him not to do it. Perhaps I could suggest he put the landing light on instead, which should shed enough light into dd's room for him to see me.

fabBakerGirlisback, would you mind elaborating on where my unreasonableness lies? Is it the asking 'why' he does it, rather than a straight 'please don't'. It would be useful feedback for me, because we often have stupid fallings out, and maybe I phrase things annoyingly and need to know.

OP posts:
FabBakerGirlIsBack · 06/08/2009 20:30

I just got the feeling that he didn't realise it was a problem. Not everyone gets things that seem obvious to someone else. But now he has done it don't just ask him not to do it again, explain why it makes a potential problem.

Breizhette · 06/08/2009 20:34

I would go ballistic.

Original poster
Biccy · 06/08/2009 20:38

Thanks for responding Fabbakergirl. I honestly thought I had explained to him, because, as I said in my OP, I said to him 'putting the main light on when somebody is asleep may wake them up'.

Still, no matter, she didn't wake, so there's no need for me to make any more of it with him. Just wanted to know for myself whether I was the weird one being annoyed by the light switching on shennanigans.

OP posts:
2rebecca · 06/08/2009 20:44

He's being unreasonable turning light on. He could just pop his head in. Sitting with a 3 year old until she falls asleep sounds OTT though. She has to learn to fall asleep on her own at soem time. When were you planning on stopping?

franklymydear · 06/08/2009 20:47

does it wake her up? I bet it doesn't - if it woke her up you'd be bitching about her waking up not about him putting the light on

so actually your impression that the light going on could wake her up, when it doesn't, iis what you're pissed off about isn't it?

don't think it's a big deal.

But sitting with a 3 year old till they go to sleep appears a little ott anyway

MIAonline · 06/08/2009 21:08

Sorry Biccy, but it was littlefish that suggested asking him not to do it, I was too that anyone would find it a difficult concept to grasp to actually provide you with any advice

Littlefish · 06/08/2009 21:12

I was being unusually helpful! Afterall, I had just called him a twat which I was worried might be seen as over the top.

thirtypence · 06/08/2009 21:18

Once ds is asleep I can turn his light on and tidy his room and he wouldn't wake up.

It's not worth asking someone why they did something, very often they don't know and will simply say either the first thing that pops into their head or what they think you want to hear.

I don't think it's worth saying anything really - just send him to deal with it if she does wake up and if she doesn't then it doesn't matter does it?

LovelyTinOfSpam · 06/08/2009 21:28

Why on earth does he do that?

It seems really odd to me!

He knows you are in, the house is blissfully quiet, he knows you sit for a few mins in the dark, why come boshing in and switching all the lights on?

Very odd IMO. YANBU.

IFishWife · 06/08/2009 21:43

The man is a DONKEY....heeehaaaaaaaaaawwwww!

YANBU, but he may have problems with A. His Brain, B. His light sensory capacity.

Either way, I recommend Carrots.

Original poster
Biccy · 06/08/2009 22:24

Sorry MIA and littlefish for getting you muddled...

2rebecca, I'm not planning on stopping. If she doesn't fall asleep within a few minutes I say I'm off now and will check back on her in a five minutes. She then goes to sleep on her own and I pop in and give her a kiss once she's asleep. I am not rocking, shshing, patting, cuddling, or in anyway physically helping her fall asleep, I'm simply staying for a few minutes after her light goes out (something she now does herself).

And no, I am not pissed off that she didn't wake up to prove my point, franklymydear, once she's off I really and truly want her to stay asleep and I was relieved that it didn't disturb her. And if it had disturbed her, I would not have been 'bitching' about her.

I didn't turn it into a big argument, it wasn't worth it - as you say, it didn't wake her.

OP posts:
franklymydear · 07/08/2009 08:44

No I said you are bitching about the possibility that him turning the light on could wake her up and not the actual fact that he turned the light on

it didn't wake her up so you really are only pissed off at the potential for it to wake her up

2 of my kids only ever went to sleep with the main light on and then we turned it off

Sleeping kids sleep through a lot

him turning the light on is pissing you off - there is no impact on your child

limonchik · 07/08/2009 08:53

It sounds like he was just thoughtless. Could he be huffy because of the way you said it rather than what you said? I often hear a slightly condescending tone in DP's voice and feel like I'm being told off, though he doesn't feel he's been condescending.

franklymydear - surely you can understand that after putting the effort into getting her DD to bed, the OP wouldn't want to have to start again? I'd be irritated too.

Callisto · 07/08/2009 08:55

Frankly - don't think it is really any of your business how long OP sits with her child after lights out, especially as that wasn't the AIBU question.

Confuzzeled · 07/08/2009 09:00

YANBU

Okay so my dh used to come home and start clattering around downstairs when I was doing the bedtime routine. He had no idea how this effected my dd because he never did bedtime and never experienced our little problem sleeper. Now he does a few bedtimes and he appreciates that loud noises could turn a few minutes of sitting quietly in the dark into half an hour or longer.

My dd is 2.5yo and I sit with her once the light has gone off. I can't leave the room until she is asleep. Compared to my life 6 months ago, it's amazing. If I can do what OP is doing by the time dd is 3, I'll be happy.

Some kids have sleep issues, if my dh did what OP's dh did, I'd be furious.

OurLadyOfPerpetualSupper · 07/08/2009 09:14

Hear hear Callisto - if the OP chooses to sit with her DD abd that's how DD prefers to go to sleep, why is that a problem for anyone else?

Fwiw, I sat with all of mine (still so with DS2 who's 8) - and they haven't turned out as clingy or brattish - in fact, one reason for doing it is that I expect quite a lot of independence from them generally and it's our way of having a tender moment at the end of the day.

This has reminded me of the umpteen times DH would come home and clomp about the whole ground floor (wooden) shouting 'OurLady! Our Lady! where are you?' with a rising note of panic in his voice and exponentially-increasing volume.
I'd be feeding the babe in the dark and trying not to scream.

Original poster
Biccy · 07/08/2009 09:36

franklymydear, sorry, I misunderstood you. Yes, exactly, I was pissed off by the potential, not for any actual impact on dd.

Much like I was pissed off when the following happened, and I think it was reasonable to ask him never to do it again, even though nothing bad actually happened: he once jump started his transit van on a very cold day by pushing it down hill himself and then jumping in - with dd in the car seat in the passenger seat.

Still, I agree that the risk of waking your 3 year old is not as bad as the risk of crashing her into another car in a transit van....

Thanks Callisto and Confuzzled, I am sure a lot of people would think the sleep issues we've had with dd are my fault for not training her properly, but I have to say that bed time the way it is at the moment, whilst possibly not the fastest bedtime in the west, is now a very enjoyable part of our day, it doesn't stress me or dp in the least that we spend a few minutes in the dark there with her, and dd generally sleeps at least 11 hours a night, 50% of the time sleeping right through, the other 50% waking once having a bad dream. We have come on from having to hold her all the time while she slept, to having to rock her for an hour and then gradually put her down, taking away one finger at a time etc etc... and I am confident that it will gradually evolve as she gets older and that I am not setting her up for insomnia in later life. Personally at the moment I think it's more important for her development that she gets her 11 hours sleep, than that she achieves sleep alone.

OP posts:
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