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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset not to be invited to the wedding

39 replies

amigababy · 04/08/2009 19:20

Hello, need a bit of advice

My ex-s-i-l is re-marrying, and my dd and her cousin (my niece)are bridesmaids, but I (and dh) are not invited; reason being, apparently, that no-one closely connected with her ex-husband is invited
(he's my b-i-l.)
It's been a most amicable divorce, over 10 years ago, and in all that time I thought I was a friend to her, we shared childcare every school holiday, have been abroad together most years till she met hub-to-be.
I'm upset because I truly thought we were friends and it was irrelevant that I'm married to her ex's brother, and also because I'd love to see dd being a bridesmaid for the 1st time.
AIBU and do I say anything - if so, what?
(I hate confrontation but really don't know if I'm over-reacting.)

OP posts:

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 04/08/2009 19:21

Your dd is the bride's niece?

I find it very strange she is expecting to have your child as a bridesmaid but not inviting you to be a guest.

Original poster

amigababy · 04/08/2009 19:22

add - both kids are young teenagers, so don't need too much supervision - but yes, I'd love to be there.

OP posts:

Firawla · 04/08/2009 19:24

yes it is weird she wants dd as a bridesmaid but you can't come
i would be tempted to say its both of you or neither
how strange

alicet · 04/08/2009 19:25

How old is your dd?

Not sure it is reasonable to expect her to go to the wedding on her own without you there really!

Understand that she might be under pressure from her soon to be dh (or even feel herself) that this is a new start and she doesn't want reminders of having been married to someone else before. It is afterall her (and his) day and therefore entirely up to her who she does and doesn't invite.

YANBU to be upset and YA poss NBU to say that you don't think dd can be a bridesmaid if you are not there (depends on age of dd / whether there is any other family of your dd's there etc). But at the end of the day her wedding, her choice

LivingLaVidaLurker2 · 04/08/2009 19:25

That is strange.

I guess her logic is that if she invites you, she'll have to invite your husband (her ex-DH's brother - is that right?), but surely there's nothing wrong with that if you're all still friends?

I would be upset too - but I would speak to her and tell her exactly what you've said here; that you'd like to see your DD be a bridesmaid and, of course, be there to celebrate her marriage. Perhaps she is worried you would feel awkward?

3littlefrogs · 04/08/2009 19:26

Is it her fiance who is insisting on this, perhaps?

Blu · 04/08/2009 19:26

Tricky.

I'm sure she does know you are a friend, but it can be a bit odd asking members of the 'old' family to a wedding which is partly about letting the two marrying families and friends get to know each other.

But then she has asked your dd to be a bridesmaid. To me, that is the odd bit! And yes, i would expect mother-of-bridesmaid to be invited.

Does her husband feel a bit funny about it all, do you think? That wouldn't be all that surprising, and unless you know him really well, he might find it a bit odd that his wife wheels in all her ex's relatives, iyswim.

Talk to her - tell her that you would love to wish her well in her new marriage, and ask if her DH finds it all a bit tricky that ex's family are s close.

alicet · 04/08/2009 19:27

cross posted - see your dd is a teenager. Think it would be entirely reasonable of you to say either dd and you go or neither of you. But think carefully how you phrase it so it doesn't come over like you are just trying to get your own way.

Wierd that dd is considered far enough removed from her ex to go yet you aren't though

KIMItheThreadSlayer · 04/08/2009 19:28

I think if you and she are friends then she should invite you, I take it she was married to your husbands brother?

I think you should tell her how sad you are that after all this time she feels she can shut you out.

Original poster

amigababy · 04/08/2009 19:32

thank you to everyone so far
my niece is quite shy so I think needs dd as moral support in a very visible role. I don't want to spoil it for dd on her (mini) big day by saying she can't go, and I think that would throw my niece off-balance too.

I don't really know her fiancé but I can see what you mean about him not been keen on the former family attending.

OP posts:

deaddei · 04/08/2009 21:20

I stayed friends with my ex sil after their divorce- tbh my brother was a shit to her. We went to her wedding which was a bit bizarre- people asking " oh whose side are you". and saying, oh the first husband's!

sleeplessinstretford · 04/08/2009 21:52

could you not go to the church/ceremony and see her there without an invite?
maybe htey are trying to keep numbers down a bit?
clutches at straws a bit

curiositykilled · 04/08/2009 21:56

does she know your dd is closely related to her ex? Does she know her daughter is also closely related to her ex?

daisymaybe · 04/08/2009 23:10

I can see how it's hurtful, but I think the kindest thing to do would be to let your DD go and have a lovely time and tell you all about it when she gets back. Presumably you don't think that she's the type of young teen who can't cope without you for a day or you wouldn't have agreed to the bridesmaid-ing in the first place.

Your DD, and maybe even your ex-SIL, will appreciate you all the more for it later on, when they come to see how difficult it was for you.

proverbial · 05/08/2009 12:35

I don't think the bride is being unreasonable at all. To not want reminders of you first, failed, marriage at your second wedding is entirely reasonable in my opinion.

I am surprised that some people think that someone (anyone) should feel they can somehow demand to be invited to someones wedding. Seems very odd to me. The if I'm not invited then my kid can't be bridesmaid is even stranger, surely at teenage they can make their own mind up? Worse still is the idea of turning up at the church while not just not invited, but expressly not invited and explained to why..I would be mortified if someone did that to me!

Sorry, but IMO, YABU.

alarkaspree · 05/08/2009 12:43

But proverbial, she just asked if she was unreasonable to feel upset. That a woman who she considers a close friend hasn't invited her to her wedding.

IMO you aren't unreasonable to be disappointed, but I wouldn't consider it a friendship-breaker, because it is understandable that she/her fiance feel that it would be awkward to have her ex's family there. I don't think it would be unreasonable to ask her if she minds if you come to the ceremony to see your dd being a bridesmaid, though.

proverbial · 05/08/2009 12:48

I was focusing more on the "do i say anything" part of the question, I don't think its ever unreasonable to feel however you feel, but actions is another matter.
Tbh, if when I was planning my wedding, someone had asked to be invited even though they knew there was a reason they weren't, I would have been very uncomfortable. I probably would have felt that I had to invite them then, but I would have been unhappy at being put in that position and would have resented them for it hugely.

sleeplessinstretford · 05/08/2009 14:40

has the bride said expressly why she's not invited her?
last time i looked there was no rule against people who work with/neighbours/random people off the street going to wish someone well on their wedding day?

ceebie · 05/08/2009 15:29

I would think the bride's reasoning may be more to do with not wanting her ex's brother there (perhaps understandable from the groom's point of view), and she feels she can't invite you without your DH? However felt able to invite your DD as a support to your neice?

Honesty and openess is usually the only way forward. You will feel resentful unless you say to her that, whilst you do understand that wedding guest lists are a political nightmare especially given the slightly more complicated family history, but nevertheless you can't help feeling a little hurt that you weren't invited as a friend. At least it gives her an opportunity to put her side of the story to you.

pinkdelight · 05/08/2009 16:02

Seems to me like she's doing the right thing by the fiance. This is backed up by the fact that you don't really know him i.e. you're not that close to her that she has involved you in this new relationship, so it does seem fair enough not to invite you to the wedding. Like you say, she's probably invited your dd to support her niece. She sounds like a nice person so I wouldn't hold it against her.

JammyQueenOfTheSewers · 05/08/2009 16:07

If it were me in your shoes I would probably talk to the bride to say I realise the history makes it awkward, and I don't want toupset anyone, but that I would like to see DD as bridesmaid,so could I (on my own, no DH) just attend the service,sitting at the back/to one side, and then do a disappearing act. But if she then said she'd rather not,hard as it might be I think I'd try to respect that and not go.

MummyDragon · 05/08/2009 17:18

Agree with everything Jammy said - very sensible and tactful suggestion!

JammyQueenOfTheSewers · 05/08/2009 17:51

Thanks!

simplesusan · 05/08/2009 22:45

I think I agree with Jammy.
If it was me I would want to go to the church and see my dd being a bridesmaid and then possibly hang around on the outside of the church grounds maybe taking a few pictures of dd/dd and bride and groom from a distance.

btw as far as I am aware you cannot prevent anyone from coming into church during a wedding service, it is a legal requirement that the door be open to all as it were.

proverbial · 07/08/2009 12:09

No you can't prevent anyone coming into a church, but I can't imagine you would stay on very friendly terms with someone who purposefully gatecrashed your wedding when not invited for a particular reason!
Maybe I'm in the minority but hanging around uninvited and papping distance shots of the event seems wierd and stalkerish to me, downright odd.
Can you imagine if the AIBU was the other way around, from the bride. "I'm getting married for the second time, and though I still get on well with ex-h's family, I don't want to invite any of them to my wedding as it reminds me too much of my 1st wedding/upsets my fiance/whatever. I am having my niece though as she wasn't at the 1st wedding and will be a bridesmaid with my DD. However my ex-SIL seems to think I am being nasty by not inviting her and is planning to turn up anyway and hang around taking pictures and generally not leaving us alone. AIBU to a) tell her to quit it and b) never speaking to her again.

I think she'd get a big YANBU!

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