to be upset not to be invited to the wedding

[amigababy]

Hello, need a bit of advice

My ex-s-i-l is re-marrying, and my dd and her cousin (my niece)are bridesmaids, but I (and dh) are not invited; reason being, apparently, that no-one closely connected with her ex-husband is invited
(he's my b-i-l.)
It's been a most amicable divorce, over 10 years ago, and in all that time I thought I was a friend to her, we shared childcare every school holiday, have been abroad together most years till she met hub-to-be.
I'm upset because I truly thought we were friends and it was irrelevant that I'm married to her ex's brother, and also because I'd love to see dd being a bridesmaid for the 1st time.
AIBU and do I say anything - if so, what?
(I hate confrontation but really don't know if I'm over-reacting.)

I agree with proverbial. Ex SIL has good enough reasons for not inviting members of her first husband's family. YANBU to be upset - obviously you would like to go to the wedding as you are still friends - however surely you can understand that your ex SIL would probably consider it deeply tactless towards her new husband to invite her ex husband's family members.

Also, if your dd is a teenager I don't see that you have to be there for her. Surely you can go to the house of the bride in the morning to see your dd in full fig, wave her off in the wedding cars etc. Don't actually go to the church, you will look mad (and your dd will probably be mortified).

Agree with proverbial too.

Don't think you should ask your ex SIL if you can go. To be brutally frank if she wanted you there she would have invited you. You will be putting her in a strange situation.

I agree with Jammy -tactfully asking if you can go to the church to see your DD and to wish ex-Sil seems fine.
The reception is different as it costs money and there is more socialising, so the whole question of who you know becomes important and also her DH-to-be may object to paying to feed her ex's family.
She may not have wanted to say you could go to the church as that can sound like angling for a present on the cheap!
If you are friends you can ask in a way that shows you will understand if she says no.

If it is a church wedding then you do not even ask if you can go to watch your daughter, as a church is a public place and NO ONE can stop you going in to watch.

The service is not the same as going to the wedding? How odd, the service IS the wedding and the only important bit.

The correct thing, from the high moral ground, is for you to be generous, pretend you are not hurt and let your girl be a bridesmaid.

But, talking as someone who has been correctly playing the higher ground most of her life, to her own sacrifice I would say... NO. You have feelings, you are hurt, you are her friend and she is asking you to go into a lot of trouble, and perhaps expense, to get your DD prepared for the big day of a woman who can't acknowledge all that trouble and is practically asking you to stay at a distance? sorry, I find that very rude. I probably would say yes out of being the correct conduct but deep in my heart I would feel affronted and used.

Either way, the friendship won't be the same after this. Do what makes you feel better in the long term.

agree with proverbial.
It's like all weddings.
The list of people you COULD invite is almost endless.

There has to be a cut off point.

Of course you can feel disappointed but it would be very rude to mention it to the bride.

but won't the bridesmaid feel a bit weird, that her parents are unwelcome at the wedding for being from the "wrong" family? I'd think it could get really awkward for her.

she's a teenager. If she is anything like I was she will be thrilled skinny that her parents are not there

I really think it is odd to not invite the mother of the bridesmaid to the wedding.

Can anyone else honestly say they have ever been in the same position?

Have any MNers asked someone's child to be a bridesmaid and then not invited their mother?