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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

sil, who'd have them

35 replies

leonifay · 04/08/2009 10:12

let me give you alittle bit of background. my dh is 1 of 3, he has a brother and sister who are twins.

11 years ago his brother died, he had gone into hospital for an operation on his heart when they opened him up they found a large tummor, wich they didnt know about, werent expeting, they did everything they could but he died shortly after they stitched him back up. his dw, and mum, dad sister and brother were all there.

my sil, gets very upset around her birthday because her brother isnt there, quite understandable. she has just announced that for her birthday she wants a 'family only' meal and then a big party the next day, in memory of her brother. the big party will have aunts and uncles they havent seen for years there

now heres the thing, i'm not invited. she says i didnt know her brother so why would i want to be there. i kind of get her point about me, but it would mean my dh staying away overnight with out me, which i dont like.

dh doesnt want to go without me, my mil (shock horror) is actually backing me up saying i'm part of the family and i should be there.

i dont know if i should just shut up and tell dh he has to go, for sil sake or to make a fuss and impose myself on the family when sil doesnt want me to be there.

what would you do?

OP posts:
Momdeguerre · 04/08/2009 10:19

I can understand why SIL thinks that she might want only immediate family there - my guess is it is to support her and remember her brother.

If you didn't know him then you may feel uncomfortable/excluded at the do anyway and I would not want to go if it had been made clear that I was not initially invited.

I appreciate that you probably feel a bit put out but I think YABU if you are trying to persuade them to let you go. You didn't know him, he was not your brother and this is about supporting her on her birthday.

proverbial · 04/08/2009 10:21

Are you not invited to the meal, or not to any of it?
If not to the first then maybe I can see where she's coming from, if not to any then she IBU, totally.
Either way I don't think its up to you to say or do anyhting, DH can tell her he wants you there and thats it.

Original poster
leonifay · 04/08/2009 10:24

i'm not invited to any of it, i was annoyed but not going to say anything untill my mil said came out and said that it wasnt on that she should invite me.

if i said it was her 45th birthday would that make any diffrence?

OP posts:
dweezle · 04/08/2009 10:25

She does sound a little bit of a drama queen. Her parents lost their son, your DH lost a brother and a woman lost her husband, yet it appears that no-one else's grief is comparable with hers . A big party, in memory of someone who died 11 years previously, seems a bit odd to me.

weegiemum · 04/08/2009 10:27

You are 'family only'. You are part of the family, even though this is for someone who died before you met them adn joined the family, you are still part of the family now.

londonartemis · 04/08/2009 10:27

I think you should be there. I think it's great that your MIL and DH agree that you should be there too (after all he was their brother and son and surely they should have a say too.) I suspect she thinks that bec she's the twin, she's closer to him than even his mother. I would let your DH and MIL fight your case - that way you retain your dignity and your moral high ground, but be prepared not to go.

Momdeguerre · 04/08/2009 10:28

It sounds a bit mean but what are going to acheive? You might be able to persaude/coerce her into letting you come but then you might feel excluded all evening and you would have to know that she did not want you there.

Why bother?

I think it is a bit thoughtless on her part but it is her birthday.

Is anyone else who is not in your immediate family going?

MrsTittleMouse · 04/08/2009 10:28

Your SIL isn't being reasonable. My brother died too, and it was awful, just awful. We were very close and it has taken me years and years to get to the point where is doesn't dominate my life any more. But being bereaved doesn't give you a free pass to be selfish for the rest of your life.

She is completely within her rights to want to remember her brother, and I suppose that it is her party and she can invite whoever she wants. But even though you never met him, you are still a member of the family. My PILs never did meet my brother, but they can still listen to DH and I talk about him and respectfully remember him that way.

Original poster
leonifay · 04/08/2009 10:29

thankyou dweezle, you seem to have completley summed her up, she actually said to my dh when he died, that he wasnt allowd to be as upset as her because he was he twin brother and she now wont speak to the other sil, because she 'stole' her brother from her.

the only reason i want to be there is to support my dh who also gets really upset at this time, he was only 16 when his brother died and found it really hard to cope, and still does.

OP posts:
Original poster
leonifay · 04/08/2009 10:31

every one else apart form the other sister in law (his dw) is going

OP posts:
MrsTittleMouse · 04/08/2009 10:33

Your DH "wasn't allowed" to be upset?!? OK, she really is a loon. Your poor DH.

The only good news in all this is that your MIL is being so sensible and not allowing your SIL to force everyone to run around after her.

Dizzyclarebear · 04/08/2009 10:35

His wife 'stole her brother' - really??? So is his widow invited to this rememberance dinner?!?!

HumphreyCobbler · 04/08/2009 10:35

this is a reminder that sad things happen to irritating people too

I think she is being rude.

saintmaybe · 04/08/2009 10:37

His dw isn't invited? So it's not really because you didn't know him then?

Agree there's nothing to be gained from pushing it, though. What does your dh think?

Dizzyclarebear · 04/08/2009 10:37

Sorry, X post - his widow isn't invited to a dinner to remember her DH on his birthday.

Right. I'd suggest you ask her over for dinner. Make sure the rest of the family know you're looking after the widow. Your SIL does seem to think she's the widow!!!

Original poster
leonifay · 04/08/2009 10:39

dizzy no, she cant even face looking at her, as well as stealing her brother she dared to find happiness and re-married (she was 27 when he died, had only been married to him 3 years)

my dh and mil keep intouch through yearly e-mails but thats about it

OP posts:
franke · 04/08/2009 10:39

What londonartemis said. But yes, she does sound rather self-indulgent. And his dw isn't going?! Why not?

MissM · 04/08/2009 10:40

My brother died last year and it has devestated my family. But I wouldn't dream of excluding my SILs and DH from anything family-related - as your MIL says, they are part of the family too. You are absolutely right to want to support your DH and that shows a lot of care and understanding and compassion on your part. I am also surprised that she's not inviting her brother's wife (although obviously I don't know what their relationship is like so that's a bit different).

From a personal perspective I'd need my DH at any gathering related to my brother - I couldn't bear to face something like that on my own. I don't think you're being in the least bit unreasonable, but would say that because of the obvious sensitivities let your DH and MIL fight your battle.

paisleyleaf · 04/08/2009 10:41

"So is his widow invited to this rememberance dinner?!?!"

No..... "every one else apart form the other sister in law (his dw) is going"

She sounds really difficult. And she is BU.

motherbeyond · 04/08/2009 10:44

how childish! when you get married, you 'join' the other persons family,and they are supposed to welcome you with open arms. A lot of the time this is not the case,but she should have the good grace to pretend like the rest of us!!!

my lis are a bit like this..at weddings etc when they call for family photos, myself and my sil's dh are not invited to be in the bloody picture.the ils just round up their children and grandchildren.two of which are mine!...and my eldest (3) was very confused on the last occasion,and kept saying "wait!! mummy and uncle d arent in the picture!" everyone ignored her..my dh was pissed off but didn't want to cause a scene at the wedding .

familys are weird.you should be invited.
your sil obviously thrives off drama and is very self involved

ginnny · 04/08/2009 10:44

She sounds barmy!
I think you should stay away - she clearly has issues and sounds more than a little unstable. The poor widow - imagine having that to contend with on top of her own grief.
I know there is a tight bond between twins, but she has taken it too far.

MrsTittleMouse · 04/08/2009 10:47

MissM - sorry to hear about your loss. I would need my DH with me too. He has been a complete rock to me since my DB died. It is very unfair of the OP's SIL to not allow her brother the same.

nickelbabe · 04/08/2009 10:50

it's insane that even the widow isn't invited!
until you put that bit, i was umming and ahhing about her being upset and everything; but if she's not even allowing his WIFE to come then she's definitely being unreasonable!

i agree with Dizzy have the widow round for dinner.

sorry your DH has to go on his own: that's not allowing him to grieve, is it.

Dizzyclarebear · 04/08/2009 10:52

Don't go. If you're DH can't face it without you, then suggest doing something to remember his DB together (visit the grave, or maybe there's somewhere that reminds him of his brother, maybe a park they played in as kids etc).

She's obviously having a Mariah moment, leave her too it, no good will come of the family forcing her to accept others into her drama.

MissM · 04/08/2009 10:57

I agree with Dizzy. Either you go together or neither of you goes. Your poor DH. MrsTM -it sounds as though you've needed your DH as much as I need mine and I'm so sorry for your loss too.