sil, who'd have them

[leonifay]

let me give you alittle bit of background. my dh is 1 of 3, he has a brother and sister who are twins.

11 years ago his brother died, he had gone into hospital for an operation on his heart when they opened him up they found a large tummor, wich they didnt know about, werent expeting, they did everything they could but he died shortly after they stitched him back up. his dw, and mum, dad sister and brother were all there.

my sil, gets very upset around her birthday because her brother isnt there, quite understandable. she has just announced that for her birthday she wants a 'family only' meal and then a big party the next day, in memory of her brother. the big party will have aunts and uncles they havent seen for years there

now heres the thing, i'm not invited. she says i didnt know her brother so why would i want to be there. i kind of get her point about me, but it would mean my dh staying away overnight with out me, which i dont like.

dh doesnt want to go without me, my mil (shock horror) is actually backing me up saying i'm part of the family and i should be there.

i dont know if i should just shut up and tell dh he has to go, for sil sake or to make a fuss and impose myself on the family when sil doesnt want me to be there.

what would you do?

i think your right, i dont think i will go, i'll leave dh and mil arguing about it, but plan something else for me and dh to do together (although this wont go down well with sil as thatll be taking her baby brother away from her whan she needs him the most) thank you all for your opinions

actually i have found writing all this down really theraputic so i just want to add, that at the age of 44 she is still living at home with her parents, doesnt want to move out because then she wouldnt have the same lifestyle she does now.

and while me and dh were together, before we moved in together she went out on more 'dates' than i did! and even now she makes digs at me not allowing them time on there own to have fun like they used to, hes MY husband when he isnt working away with work hes spending time with ME!

When I first read the post I thought that YABU because I assumed that youd be invited to the bigger family do.
However, after reading through the posts I now think that your sil is totally out of order.
Your mil is right you should go, I don't think your dh should go without you.

We consider all spouses to be immediate family in our family. It is a bit weird to exclude people like that.

Your SIL sounds a bit mad TBH, you might be better off out it in any case.

If you think DH needs you, that is where you should be!
Can you get MIL to come and do something with you and DH instead? Or would that be compromising her too much?
My SIL still lives with my IL's and can be just as insensitive! As far as I am concerned, they accept you as part of the family or loose their brother
I just get so fed up with relations interfering with the relationship between husband and wife! Whoever said marriage was about accepting the new wife/husband into the family was completely right- there is even a long sermon in the wedding ceremony about it.
Some people are so selfish it makes my blood boil- make sure you are with DH whatever you do, it would be a failing in your marriage if you made him face this alone!

Of course YANBU, but as others have said, there's really no mileage in insisting on being invited to her birthday party if she doesn't want you there. So definitely take the moral high ground.

SIL isn't married, is she? If she is, I pity the poor man, as she clearly has no idea what a married relationship is about.

If you can, I would suggest that you do whatever your DH is happy with, and try not to pressure him either way. As you say, you can do something else with DH to remember his brother, and it doesn't have to be on the same day. But could be if DH doesn't want to go without you.

Good luck - she sounds like a complete child, but the situation is obviously heartbreakingly sad for all the family.

I was going to ask if the SIL had invited her own spouse but noticed she doesnt have one and seems she thinks she has yours.. strange women

No YANBU. I hate it when in-laws pull the "you're not family" crap. You married in. You are family. I don't think your feeling are unjustified at all. I spent years being excluded from conversations etc because "It was family stuff" and being told I was being overly sensitive when I didn't like it. Recently I was completely embraced and included by a family who I am not related to by marriage. It was such a contrast. Have not fully read the thread yet but feel so strongly about this that I just had to post a response.

Ok I've read the whole thread now. Still agree with what I wrote but would just like to add . . . She's a crackpot WTF! Stand up to her, she's B completely U. Good luck!

Agree with most others here - you ARE family, you are your DH's family in particular and there is nothing the loon can do about that. If she doesn't want you or other SIL in there, then she is being pretty selfish, as even your MIL can see. I wonder what her twin bro would have thought of her excluding his DW from the proceedings!

I would let your DH decide what should happen - if he can deal with going on his own, then let him; but if he wants you there, then go with him.

Mad mare she is - I wouldn't waste any future time on her at all.

She sounds like a loon! I would stay away with your dh and remember his brother in your own way, where you can support him. Perhaps it would undercut her sense of drama if dh comes down with a head-cold on the day rather than adds to her histrionics by making it a matter of principle IYSWIM. She sounds like the sort of person who wants to publically play top trumps with her personal tragedy- leave her to it.