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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not wait 2 years?

73 replies

frizzee · 03/08/2009 23:01

DH and I have been married for 4 years we have a 3yo DD and DH has 2 teens from previous marriage. I moved into ex-marital home and have never felt at home here. We have tried to sell but no takers. DH has agreed to move to coast (about 40 miles from here) but wants to wait 2 years until youngest teen has finished school (they live with us 50/50). I don't want to wait as DD will then have done a year at school. I want to go before next September so she won't have to switch schools after a year.

If I could afford to I would do it now TBH, what I'm afraid of is DD becoming settled here and then me being trapped (and living my mother's life of never liking where she lived). Also ex lives way too close and has been a thorn in our side since I met DH (I am only serious relationship since she left so copped for all the jealousy cr@p), still tries to turn kids against us etc.

Would you put step-kids before your own and stay or would you go and hope DH follows? If I go alone I have no idea how I would afford it but that doesn't seem to put me off!

OP posts:

proverbial · 04/08/2009 10:18

Another one...AIBU? Yes you are.... No I'm not and you're all horrible nasty meanies for saying so...how very dare you! (and a big gush for anyone who agreed with me totally)

And at the idea that an american site was more "normal" than here...prob full of sweetie darling you poor poor thing....

YABU, by the way.

anniemac · 04/08/2009 10:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Dizzyclarebear · 04/08/2009 10:28

YABU.

Problem is, your DH is a fully involved Dad, not just a 'weekend' dad - asking him to give up that relationship will be hard - you are also assuming the teenagers will want to visit 40 miles away on a weekend where they have no friends and therefore missing out on their social lifes. They won't go every weekend for the whole weekend, so he'll go from seeing them for half of each month, being very involved in their lifes to being someone who spends only 4-5 nights a month with them. Just at the point when boys need their father the most.

Will he resent you if you force this on him? I can see it distroying your marriage if you push for a move that ruins these last few years of parenting for him.

It's 2 years, that's not worth ruining everything for, surely?

Sullwah · 04/08/2009 13:44

I think you ABU for wanting to move at this point.

But I understand how difficult it is to move into DH home. I moved in with my DH and he had no ex and I found it really hard to settled down and feel at home.

Why don't you redecorate / reorganise the house. Would be much cheaper than moving and would help you make the house feel like yours.

sleeplessinstretford · 04/08/2009 13:51

i think if you had 2 children then you'd realise that you love your children equally as your dh does.
you shouldn't ask him to 'pick'
you are an adult,you are a parent,and for that reason a foot stamping tantrum asking him to pick his children from his first marriage or you and his child from his second is really unreasonable.
your little one will be happy anywhere with her mummy and daddy.The elders ones less so,and like it or not-your little one has already 'won' as she gets daddy everyday.
you should grip up and stop being so bloody childish.

Silver1 · 04/08/2009 13:57

I can't believe my message was deleted suggesting the OP might be depressed or was acting like a child is hardly derogatory.

Silver1 · 04/08/2009 14:00

As an addition especially as the OP concedes she made need anti-depressants.

My feeling is I pity her husband and all of his kids.

Iwantscallops · 04/08/2009 14:21

YABU

Your DH has 2 children from a previous relationship and you must encourage this important relationship to keep growing. They are teens and at a very vunerable age. They are also in a vunerable position with their parents relationship having broken down and their daddy having his 'new' family.

Even if a child is older, they still need parents that are near (even 40 miles seems like a huge distance at that age). I would ask are you reasons for moving away to take your DH away from his ex and kids? If so they are the wrong reasons for a move. You would be far better trying to forge a better relationship with the mother of his children and stay local. Also, your DD will benefit with having two older siblings to look after him/her.

Even though they are not your biological children they are still your 'children' and this resentment that you are holding will continue to rear its head until you deal with the real issues head on.

Good luck.

Iwantscallops · 04/08/2009 14:25

Anyway, who would move house at the moment with the housing market the way it is?

As they say...'don't move, improve!'

SoupDragon · 04/08/2009 14:32

How about you move away and leave your DD with her father, only seeing her at weekends? Isn't that what you want your DH to do wrt his other children?

Your DH doesn't want to move away from his children until they have finished school. It's only 2 years. Find a way to deal with it.

Your DD is not more important than his other children and moving schools in Y1 will not affect her whatsoever.

I can't believe you are effectively threatening
to move without him. What would you do if he said "fine, leave but I'm not coming after you." ?

nappyaddict · 04/08/2009 14:34

Is it an option to move before his youngest teen starts year 10 or is he already starting that year in September? IMO it would be fine to move schools at that stage but not later.

Quattrocento · 04/08/2009 14:36

Okay OP, you scored that rarity of rarities, an entirely unanimous response of YABU to your AIBU question.

What are you going to do with that information? Take it on board and use it or ... something else?

GibbonInARibbon · 04/08/2009 14:51

As an old regular and now occasional lurker I am saddened to see the comment from silver being deleted...has it changed so much on MN that you can't give an opinion that someone is acting childish or may be depressed?

The OP wanted everyone to validate her and when she did not get that she threw her toys out. For the record OP, I think you are being beyond selfish.

monkeyfeathers · 04/08/2009 14:57

I think the issue of moving 40 miles away will be a really big one for the two older kids. As other posters have said, it's a big change to go from equally shared time with both parents to spending weekends with their father miles away from where all their friends are.

My parents split up when I was a teenager and I felt compelled to spend just about every weekend with my dad (who inevitably just abandoned me with my cousins every time, because he's a feckless moron--but that's another story). I only had to go across the city in which we lived, but it meant that I couldn't see my friends and spend time with them like I wanted to. I also felt really left out when I got back to school because I missed out on loads. An 80 mile round trip is going to be far worse for the OP's step-kids.

I think her husband has been completely reasonable in offering to move in 2 years. Presumably at that point the older kids will be moving on (to uni, getting jobs, etc), so their lives will change completely anyway. The OP's daughter is very young, and won't suffer at all from changing schools at that stage--she'll make friends and adapt.

Also, moving away is not necessarily going to solve any problems. How do you know that you'll like living elsewhere any better? And the ex-wife isn't going to go away just because you move (unless you're hoping that moving will leave the step-behind too).

Putting the issue in terms of own kids vs step-kids really isn't very helpful here, IMO--especially since you're asking your husband to choose between his own kids based on which mother he's most loyal to (or something like that).

Silver1 · 04/08/2009 21:32

Thanks GibbonInARibbon as a fairly new member I am disappointed that my post was removed. It made me think twice about being an active member.
OP suggested everyone was being bitchy and all she wanted were some "grown up" responses-I just asked if anyone had an adult way of saying that she sounded like she was either very depressed or childish.

Anyway am sure this will be deleted too.

hambler · 05/08/2009 00:13

silver1 as a very old member (10 years, other names used)
I am astonished your post has been removed .What is going on here???
I absolutely thought OP sounded depressed, but when you suggested childish that seemed an option too.

I look forward to being deleted

expatinscotland · 05/08/2009 08:53

She'll probably get the whole thread pulled.

Silver1 · 05/08/2009 13:35

Thanks Hambler, I do feel a bit better knowing that some people think it's okay to voice an opinion on here. To be fair it was also in response to some pretty pointed digs she had made about very reasonable posters.

monkeyfeathers · 05/08/2009 14:32

Also, this is AIBU. Why would you post here if you can't cope with being told (in no uncertain terms) that you are?

jellybeans · 05/08/2009 14:36

YABU. I can see it must be hard but moving schools for teens is a really big deal. My kids moved schools at primary age and were absolutely fine. The older ones will be in the middle of GCSEs etc.

Toffeepopple · 06/08/2009 08:57

YABU, sorry.

I am a step-daughter. Watching my dad move away with my step-mother was awful, and I was an adult. I don't think my brother has ever entirely recovered from the "rejection".

Two years is no time at all. Do the right thing for your wider family.

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/08/2009 23:52

YABU, for all the reasons already stated by other posters.

And, FWIW, the tone you have taken to these postings suggest that U is your default mode.

2rebecca · 07/08/2009 07:33

If the older kids' mum is a bit unstable then that's a good reason for their dad to stay near them and support them and not change their school in the last 2 years. The A level years are important, if you've had a good teacher in a subject at school you don't want to move to a different school with possibly worse teachers. Moving during primary school isn't a big deal though.
II wouldn't move if it meant seeing less of my kids or them moving school at that age.

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