To not wait 2 years?

[frizzee]

DH and I have been married for 4 years we have a 3yo DD and DH has 2 teens from previous marriage. I moved into ex-marital home and have never felt at home here. We have tried to sell but no takers. DH has agreed to move to coast (about 40 miles from here) but wants to wait 2 years until youngest teen has finished school (they live with us 50/50). I don't want to wait as DD will then have done a year at school. I want to go before next September so she won't have to switch schools after a year.

If I could afford to I would do it now TBH, what I'm afraid of is DD becoming settled here and then me being trapped (and living my mother's life of never liking where she lived). Also ex lives way too close and has been a thorn in our side since I met DH (I am only serious relationship since she left so copped for all the jealousy cr@p), still tries to turn kids against us etc.

Would you put step-kids before your own and stay or would you go and hope DH follows? If I go alone I have no idea how I would afford it but that doesn't seem to put me off!

This thread makes me wonder (as a mum with no stepkids) whether there's ever a point at which step-parents feel that their stepkids are as much their 'own' as it's possible to feel. Anyone have this experience?

Good luck frizzee, sounds like a real dilemma but I hope you and your DH can work out something amicably.

skybright - I think you're right they really need him which is why I have considered going ahead. He doesn't need an unhappy wife to contend with but no wife and DD would be worse.

Perhaps I'll get a shed load of anti depressants to see me through the next 22 months!

Big thing to do Frizzee,you must be really unhappy,what does your OH think of you moving ahead of him?

MrsMerryHenry - thanks and I have experience of this but lets not go there in AIBU!

skybright - he says no you're not!

Am I the only one who finds it incredibly tedious when someone posts in AIBU then takes the hump at comments and posts "ooh thanks for really understanding me" when people support their views and responds to each criticism defensively? Yawn.

And for what it's worth YABU to expect your DH's son's last year at school to be disrupted so your precious DDs first year at school isn't (and I won't be back to hear how "mean" and "bitchy" you no doubt think I am so don't bother).

I bet you will sunny delight and who made you the decision maker of who posts what where.

BTW Mumsnet is according to the times "The country's most popular meeting point for PARENTS"

Well it's 40 miles away, not 400. So if your DHs children won't have to change schools, and it's only a matter of the schedule of contact to be switched, what is the problem? If they are currently 1 week at mums, then the next week at dads, I'd say that could be more unsettling than if their father moves 40 miles away, and the contact changes to the weekends, and school holidays, leaving them the week to really knuckle down on school work without the switching around.

I can't see what the big deal is, and yes I am both a "step"child and "step"mother.

For my DHs child, it was more unsettling for her to have this kind of arrangment, 1 night in the week with us, then the weekend, the following week, 2 nights in the week, and weekend at her mothers, and so on. Her mother chose to move about 30 miles away with her new family, and contact was rearranged to weekends. Everyone felt more settled with the new arrangement.

Frizzee - I understand why you feel torn.
On the one hand I think that if your are that unhappy then you should go ahead with the move and your dh can follow after (though that of course carries risks - but maybe you are happy to leave the marriage behind if necessary?) But I also kind of think that 2 years is not a long time really and I would take on board what has ben said re the first scgool year not being that important. My ds is 3 and I look ahead at his first year as a HUGE deal but would bow to the experience of parents who have been there.
I dont think there is any right or wrong here, it really has to come down to what feels right to you and only you can know all the ins and outs.

Wrt AIBU - this really is a shite topic You have recieved some good advice but you've been lucky really, its usually frequented by bitter and twisted souls who just love to kick others when they're down (well thats why I like it, anyway )
Just take the good advice and ignore the rest.

We moved 300 miles after the end of our dd1's first year at school and there have been no ill effects at all!

Ii doesn't sound like a vote of confidence for your marriage if you move ahead first. As someone else said 2 years will actually pass quickly.

Can you focus on moving in 22 months and your dd going to school in a year? My first baby has just finished primary school - time really does fly!

It does sound like a hard situation. Have you thought of it in this way though? Imagine that your step son is your DS. So you take both considerations about him and DD on an equal level. Who would it be worse for if you were to move in two years? Your DD when she is 6 and still at a stage in her education where she could pick up elsewhere? Or your DS who is at a stage in his education where he would be seriously disrupted? When you say finished school do you mean age 16 or 18? At both of these points a teen will either be in the middle of their A Levels or their GCSEs. It is very difficult to find a school who have the same subject options and within that the same module options.

This is the situation that your DH is in, they are both his children and he is doing the right thing.

If you are so unhappy in your current home I think you should go with your original plan of moving but to somewhere not so far away.

You obviously put yourself and your DCs first, your Dh has to do this including his first two DCs.

If you were him what would you do?

im in the situation where am putting of a move for 3 years so my ds can finish school before i can followmy heart and move to be with my dp ,we agreed the kids need to come first and right now his education more important and yes will be uprouting my younger dc from school but not so important for them .

So i would say yabu but maybe sit down with dhnd talk with him and since his dc older maybe time to all sit down together and talk see how they really feel

I am astonished! When I read your op i assumed you meant your dd would have to change secndary schooly after 1 year, which is totally different. Blimey, I really don't think it's any biggie, a little kid changing at the start of primary schools.

To disrupt a chile near the end of secondary edication is imo totally unfair. It could have life changing concequesnces. And that imo would apply here even if the kid didn't have to change school, but suddenly had dramatically reduced contact with their dad at a crucial time.

I would strongly advise you to forget all notion of moving ahead without your dh. If you are unhappy and finding it tough where you are, I can guarantee you will be in a for a huge (unpleasant) shock if you suddenly find yourself having to cope without the daily support of your dh.

My dh moved with work somewhere I didn't want to go. I was very happy in my home and didn't want to disrupt the kids. I thought him working away M-F and coming home at the w/e would be the perfect solution. I'm quite strong and independant and do probably 95% of the parenting and running the home anyway so I didn't think it would make much difference. I was very wrong and in for a huge shock. It was hard, very very hard. We survived 6 months, then all of us moved together.

Your dh has agreed to move. He has said 2 years.A house move can take easily 6 months or more. I'd recommend you stop looking at the situation negatively and seek to work through the time constructively. eg months 1 - 6 house hunting/getting a feel for the market, doing House doctory improvements to your current home to increase it's marketabilty, checking out primaries in your new location balh blah, so when you do come to be ready to move, it can all go smoother.

Oh and if you're so unhappy, consider visiting GP for help, etc.

I think your dh in this case is right, and I would say you moving without him would be a huge mistake. Not only because you will find it much harder than you thought, but your dh will take it as a real attack. Thinking logocally, how would it work. If you are away, would he only see you at weekends? But then what would he do about seeing his children? That would be preventing them seeing each other wouldn't it? So you're stopping him seing his dd (and wife) during the week, and stopping him seeing his other children at the weekend. YOu are putting therefore your dh and your marriage and your dd in an impossible situation, for the sake of a few months.

Hi Frizee... You might want to consider the Step parenting forum, rather than AIBU...

As someone said, if you ask... you will be told!!! that's the idea of aibu!!!!

I think you know your DH has a valid point in wanting to stay put... My DH has two teenage girls (as well as our DS and DD who are both under 2). He def. loves / provides for them all equally, but their needs are very different.

2 years isn't so long... why not concentrte on that time frame? I really don't think your DD will notice moving at such a young age

Frizee - sorry you felt attacked. In future I'd post on Relationships, or Step-parenting

I agree with many others on here, that DHs last 2 years of school are more important than DDs first year.

Der ... not DHs last 2 years of school (now that WOULD be U)

I think YABU, I also think 40 miles is a long way when you double it (a round trip) and do that twice every weekend.

I also think you are forgetting that teens have a life and friends, all of who will be in the old locality. By 16/17 they aren't going to want to spend everyweekend with dad, step mum and little sis, they will want to be near their friends so they can socialise easily. If dad moves a long way away its likely to impact significantly on his relationship with his almost grown up kids, I think hubby may come to the realisation that he actually doesn't want to move that far away at all - he sounds a sensible dad.

I have a feeling that you won't end up moving 40 miles away at all, you'll end up no more than 10 miles away, or even possibly in the same town just a different house.

PS I wonder if you are referred to at their house as the 'bonkers' 2nd wife? Its amazing how things can look different from a different angle.

Frizee - it is much easier to move when you are a young child and are not nearly all the way through your GCSE sylabus - DD moved in year 3 and it wasn't an issue, I would never have moved her unless was absolutely beyond my control once she got to secondary school though.

And your SS may think it will be an adventure but it will be a better adventure to have if it does not effect his schooling.

As for moving before your DH - that will affect your child more than moving school, and presumabley your son from your first relationship - would you move them and upset tham again for the sake of 2 years?

Frizee- I'm sorry, but you have to realise the AIBU board is a lions den... if you can't stand the heat- use "what would you do" which is gentler, or of course "step parenting" where people will have faced this before. Seriously- it is viscious on here -hence the disclaimer- and the responses you have received have been very meek and mild! (see some of daftpunk's threads for an idea of how it usually is)

On your dilemma- the single most damaging thing you can do to a child's educational chances is change their school- particularly in secondary school... if the eldest has only 1 year left when you move basically you can write-off any GCSEs for them.

I think the solution is move separately, so none of the children have to change schools, however if that isn't feasible then the one least damaged by the change will be the youngest.

Also- there will be next to nothing in terms if prospects in most seaside towns (Brighton excepted) so your desires are fairly unreasonable for the stepchildren anyway.
50/50 is still half their life...

Is there some compromise you could find which is more suited to the large age-span, but makes you happier? happy mummy= happy children.

You can't afford to go because you can't sell the house. So why is this even an issue?

Sorry, but I think when you marry a man who has kids, you do need to consider their needs on equal footing with your own kids.

That's why I never went out with a guy who had kids, because I was too selfish for that.

Put yourself in your step-child's shoes.

How would you feel? Because your step-child's a person with feelings, too.

Stop being so defensive. People are giving their opinions, not attacking you.
YABU by the way. I understand you are desperate to move but did you move to that area to be with DH, or were you already living there? I wouldn't like to live somewhere I didn't like but at the end of the day his son't education is more important than your DDs at the moment. Maybe he doesn't want to be a weekend Dad - maybe he enjoys getting them ready for school, living real life, not just weekend treats? You aren't being very fair to say you'll move earlier either - that's not what family does. You will just have to suck it up and wait I think.