in thinking she shouldn't have come to dd's party?

[LetThemEatCake]

DH's good friend from uni has a long-term gf. Over the 10 years I've been with dh, we've been friendly on a 1-to-1 basis as well as with the fellas. But things have been tougher the last few years since I started having children, and she found out that she can't have any.

I've tried to be supportive and have made an effort to spend time with her without the kids, and have not banged on about them. Despite this, we've not really been 'friends' for the last few years. But friendly enough. Fine at parties and stuff.

Since getting pg with dc3, however, she has totally ignored me. I'm nearly 33 weeks and she's left the room at parties when I've walked in, refused to say hello when I've greeted her, walked straight past me without looking in my direction.

DH confronted her about 2 weeks ago after a particularly awkward day at a mutual friend's house. She admitted that it's just too hard for her to be friends with me because she can't have children, so ignoring me is her self-preservation. I feel terrible for her and, although it hurts to be ignored for something that's not really my fault, I can't imagine how hard it must be to not be able to have children.

It was dd's 3rd birthday yesterday and this woman's partner was invited bc he is dd's god father (very nominal thing, never had her christened). We just assumed that he'd come alone, as he has done to everything we've invited them to over the last few months.

BUT not only did she come - she totally ignored me all day. Even tried to leave without saying goodbye but I stepped in her way and pointedly said "bye, see you later" . She refused to look at me, just said "bye"

Am I right in thinking that it is unbelievably rude to come to someone's house - and to a special day, at that - and act this way? It made Dh and I both feel really uncomfortable, when we just wanted to enjoy our little girl enjoying her party. I think it was very brave of her to come, but very rude to not so much as say hello to me. AIBU in thinking that. after months of ignoring me, she should have just stayed away?

I think you have to accept that you've done as much as you can to save this friendship. Agree re the Dps having a chat.

Then I'm not surprised that she was a bit pissy with you although it isn't really on when visiting someone in their home.

Maybe she needed time to think about whether or not she was going to attend, and that was why she didn't mention it when the DH's saw each other. Or maybe she was feeling rejected at not being invited. Given that she probably feels rejected anyway, as you are now pg and therefore not in her "group" so to speak, I'm really not surprised at her reaction whilst at the party. I'm not saying her reaction was right, she was rude, but I can sort of see why she might have acted in this way.

If you go to someone's house you need to be polite, regardless of what is going on. If you can't be polite in someone's home then you need to leave.

There is no excuse for rudeness like the friend demonstrated.

YANBU - she was very rude to ignore you in your own house and whilst it is terribly sad that she can't have children - he treatment of you is unacceptable. If she can not speak to you or even look at you, she should not attend your house until she deals with this issue and moves onwards.

It is a great pity that she cannot confide in you or speak with you or share your joys or allow you to share her woes, but to effectively send you to coventry is not on under your own roof.

I hope that something happens to help her achieve her dream of being a mother, either IVF or adoption or what have you, but YANBU to be offended or upset by her actions.

Congrats on your latest pregnancy and hope your DD had a lovely birthday.

LTEC your SIL sounds amazing

wow I think she is incredibly rude. I would be blunt with her tbh. yes it's sad that she can't have children and you said you do want to support her but if she's going to be rude to you and reject your support, then you need to tell her she's not welcome around yours anymore. It's not your fault she doesn't have children and why should you put your life on hold until she does?

I don't think she is incredibly rude. I think she is in a very bad place and probably in emotional pain.

She also most likely doesn't want to draw attention to herself but just get through this part of her life in some sort of self-preserving fashion while deciding what to do next. If it means being silent well ok it's tough but I think just let it go.

Let her know the support is there if she wants it, or not if not.

I think she's lashing out at you because you are there. Very wrong of her and hurtful to you, especially on dd's birthday, but I do feel a little sympathy because of her situation.

Think the posters who have said dh and this guy should just meet up on their own are right - although how this works when bloke is an informal godfather I do not know.

While I do feel sorry for this woman (who wouldn't after all?) I think she also sounds very difficult and attention seeking. I would let the friendship go.

I have had fertility problems of my own, so I know some of what she is going through.

Tragic things can happen to annoying people just as easily as to nice people, you can only do your best to be kind.

you are not unreasonable at all,she shouldn't of went to your daughters party, and to be rude to you in YOUR house! disgusting. Their are people who cant have children but are not rude to ones that have i am [shocked] at this women's behaviour!

if i was you i wouldn't speak to her again and i wouldn't even bother finding out why or give her the attention she obviously wants.

I have responded to her email saying that although I could raise arguments/ objections to each of the points she's raised, I'm not going to but that what the upshot of it is is that she obviously has long standing issues with and a dislike of me and that it goes back to my original point that she shouldn't have bought that negativity and hostility into my home on my daughter's birthday.

I've then gone on to say that I'm sad but willing to accept that our friendship is over but have asked that we can at least be civil to one another for the sake of our dps.

And then I've wished her all the best. I'm sure it will be read in a different tone of voice to the one I've intended (that's the thing with email and text isn't it!!) but I feel I've done all I can do without compromising my feelings or, to be honest, my time. With almost-3 children aged 3 and under, plus a husband, a career, a home and other, less moddy friends, I really don't feel that I want to give her my already-depleted energy! Is that selfish?

Chin up LETTHEMEATCAKE-You have been more than reasonable.
Having children is not a competition-they are a gift not a prize, and Chegirl wrote a beautiful and heartfelt post.
If your DP's friend keeps this up how are you going to explain to your Dcs why she doesn't like them simply because they exisist.

Somebody very wise once said to me, if spending time and energy on someone makes you feel consistently bad, then DON'T DO IT ANYMORE! It's amazing how many of us not only put up with other people's negativity, but keep going back for more.

Get on with your life and let her sod off and get on with hers.

YANBU or self indulgent, or selfish in any way. You are not to blame for her fertility problems and you should not be made to feel guilty for the blessing of your own children. She should be grateful that you have been so kind and understanding. She is not a friend and you don't have to put up with her emotional bullying and abuse. Let your husband tell her partner that sadly due to her unecceptable behaviour she is no longer welcome in your lifes.

Speaking as someone who had fertility problems for 10 years she is completely out of order and taking advantage of your kind nature. Maybe her anger at you is a displacement of her own feelings. But it simply isn't your problem.

If someone ignored me in my home they'd be chucked out pure and simple. You should have told her to fuck off