in thinking she shouldn't have come to dd's party?

[LetThemEatCake]

DH's good friend from uni has a long-term gf. Over the 10 years I've been with dh, we've been friendly on a 1-to-1 basis as well as with the fellas. But things have been tougher the last few years since I started having children, and she found out that she can't have any.

I've tried to be supportive and have made an effort to spend time with her without the kids, and have not banged on about them. Despite this, we've not really been 'friends' for the last few years. But friendly enough. Fine at parties and stuff.

Since getting pg with dc3, however, she has totally ignored me. I'm nearly 33 weeks and she's left the room at parties when I've walked in, refused to say hello when I've greeted her, walked straight past me without looking in my direction.

DH confronted her about 2 weeks ago after a particularly awkward day at a mutual friend's house. She admitted that it's just too hard for her to be friends with me because she can't have children, so ignoring me is her self-preservation. I feel terrible for her and, although it hurts to be ignored for something that's not really my fault, I can't imagine how hard it must be to not be able to have children.

It was dd's 3rd birthday yesterday and this woman's partner was invited bc he is dd's god father (very nominal thing, never had her christened). We just assumed that he'd come alone, as he has done to everything we've invited them to over the last few months.

BUT not only did she come - she totally ignored me all day. Even tried to leave without saying goodbye but I stepped in her way and pointedly said "bye, see you later" . She refused to look at me, just said "bye"

Am I right in thinking that it is unbelievably rude to come to someone's house - and to a special day, at that - and act this way? It made Dh and I both feel really uncomfortable, when we just wanted to enjoy our little girl enjoying her party. I think it was very brave of her to come, but very rude to not so much as say hello to me. AIBU in thinking that. after months of ignoring me, she should have just stayed away?

We don't all react in the same way- but I am speaking as a mummy through adoption, the journey to our son coming home was long and it was sad. I had two late miscarriages before I became infertile through illness and I have a god child and a nephew who would match in age the children I lost.
I still rejoiced in their births and their milestones and the joy they bring their parents, the world doesn't stop being blessed with children just because I can't conceive. There is a sadness in me for what I have lost, but that doesn't mean the lives of those children can't also bring a smile to me and joy to your parents.
If your friend can't celebrate with you and for you then she should not have been there and she is not trying very hard to be a good friend.
YANBU but you and your husband need to talk about how much you are going to allow this friend to marr your family celebrations.

well... I texted her to say that I would be happy to speak about the issues between us but that in the meantime I felt that she'd been unfair on me and dh by coming to a happy day with such obvious negativity/ hostility towards me... she has emailed back saying that it was my job as hostess to make her feel welcome. She's then gone on to enumerate (in point form) a list of 'offences" that I have committed that have made her act in this way towards me. These include not going out for dinner as a 4some one night at the end of 2006 (I explained at the time that this was because my then-3-mo-dd had had her jabs that day and was fretful and running a fever ... I didn't want to leave her) and going home (i am from o/s) for 3 months, doing status updates on Facebook indicating that I was having a good time and then coming back to the UK and expressing how homesick I was and how I am looking forward to moving back home next year (I guess this made her feel rejected? Like I should want to stay in Blighty to be close to her? Not sure)

Anyway ... not really sure what to do other than to ask her if we can just make an effort to be civil for the sake of our partners? I don't want their friendship to be unnecessarily affected

you're very pregnant, hormonal and over sensitive. She's desperately upset about the child she can't have. You shouldn't have asked her, she shouldn't have come. Sending texts now will not help. Either speak to her - in person if possible, not on the phone as you can't respond to her as well then - or just accept that it's best not to see each other.

If you think that (it the long term) it is worth trying to repair the friendship I'd reply saying that you are very sorry if you have inadvertently upset her and that certainly was not your intention, and suggest that the two of you meet up for a drink sometime. I would do this as a proper letter/card and not a text. I think this is a bit now-or-never. If you don't manage to sort this out now there will always be an awkwardness. Although you have done nothing wrong I think that it is up to you to make the effort to sort things out. I suspect that your attempts to not be "in her face" about having your dc has been misinterpreted, but that also she's looking for an outlet for all her unhappiness.

You are not being unreasonable at all.

Whilst I cannot begin to fully appreciate the emotions involved in coming to terms with infertility, this was an instance of someone coming to a child's birthday party and then being unpleasant to the mum.

Many of us in our lives have had situations that seem too awful for us to bear. But yet in amongst the grief there is some recognition - however fleeting - that other people are human beings, who are entitled to live their lives.

Having someone deliberately ignore you is very upsetting. To have done this to a woman on the date of her daughter's party - which is an emotional and stressful day - is mean and self centred. She need not have gone and so should not have gone.

uuuughggggh

my poor dh is so stressed about this. he thinks that maybe he should just have a word with his friend to say "look, women are all mental, we're not, let's not let it spoil things for us being mates." Maybe that's the way to go

it's not your fault, you can't stop living your life, (ie not having kids/kids parties etc)just incase it upsets someone else.
she is been very childish and unreasonable. the reasons she have given have nothing to do with her not being able to have children.
it's not your fault that she can't have children, she needs to have a good long hard look at herself and realise that if she continues the way she is she will lose a good friendship.

I suspect what you're seeing here is the strain these fertility problems are putting on this woman's relationship. I agree with other posters she was probably put under pressure from her partner to come to the party - that she did it for him, and to avoid a domestic, rather than because she wanted to come. It must have been hellish for her. And for all you know, she could have had her period that day and have been dealing with yet another disappointment.

I think if your DH says something to her partner, you will be putting further pressure on the relationship tbh. This woman is clearly in a very bad way. I realise it's not fair you were upset at your dd's party, but I'd have a little pity, and leave it be.

I would just let her go. DH has other married friends and I am not chummy with their wives. We are polite if we run into each other but no real friendship.

Stop trying with her, be polite but it isn't your fault she can't have a baby and you don't owe her any apologies for having yours.

you don't go to a party and someone's home and ignore your host. We all have difficult things to deal with at times but it isn't an excuse for forgetting basic manners.

I would drop the relationship, I don't see a future in it and neither of you seems to be getting anything positive out of it these days.

letthemeatcake - Since you have already broached the subject. I would email her back saying that you felt the reasons she gave were not the true ones. That you realised it would be very difficult for her to be around you and your children and that you didn't mind if she couldn't cope with coming to things like dd's birthday.

You could say that you cared about her, (and if you feel you are able) that you want to support her in any way you can and that she shouldn't feel she has to come to things that might upset her. I'd also say that I was sorry for appearing to be unsupportive in my text but that much as you might want not to upset her you couldn't take back your children or your current pregnancy. Then I might leave it with a - Sorry if this causes you more upset, I just didn't want you to think I was angry with you.

This might all be wrong BUT it could be right and at this point it would seem you have lost the friendship and so it might be worth taking a risk to fix it.

I'm sorry letthemeatcake but I disagree with your DH, he should support you and his children, not a "friend" who can't make an effort to join in a celebration.
If she were ever to have children it sounds like she would want the whistles and bells for everything, why can't your children at least have a tamborine?
I'll say it again-just because someone can't have children it does not mean the rest of the world should be in mourning. Re-read my first post if anyone objects to me saying that.

You're not joined at the hip with your husband - he has a friend in this woman's husband - fine. They can meet up. Clearly there's no friendship between you and the woman - equally fine. Forget it. I think your husband needs to keep it between him and his friend - no reason why this should be impossible. Ok it means this friend wouldn't be invited to 'family' stuff but it's still no reason they can't meet as mates

I don't think it's anything for him to be getting stressed about.

How exactly did she expect you to make feel welcome, when she's been avoiding and ignoring you? What exactly would have made her feel welcome, another opportunity to openly snub you at your dds birthday party?!

If she's never chosen to mention these past "offences" to you before, how are you supposed to know why she's behaving like this?

Fertility issues aside, she sounds like a bit of a cow to me.

Lifes to short for "friends" like that, i am a heartless bitch as i would say ditch her.

Silver, you post makes a lot of sense.

I was in a similar situation with a best friend. We had been trying to conceive for years to no avail and trying all sorts of fertility drugs and treatments. My best friend started ttc about the time our infertility was diagnosed. I waited patiently and hopefully with her so she could get that positive pregnancy test and unfortunately it didn't and still hasn't arrived.

Thankfully for myself and husband we had dd1 and dd2 through fertility treatment.

As soon as she knew about my first pregnancy the barriers went up and continued to do so. To the point I have decided to cut all ties with her as I found it so upsetting. Now, I still feel sad that we are not in each others lives but I cannot forgive her for the fact that she cannot be happy for me as I would if the shoe was on the other foot.

There is no reason why your men can't meet up together. She should not make you feel guilty for the life that you have been blessed with. Maybe you should just make it obvious to her that until she can be happy for you the friendship doesn't exist.

Good luck, but don't give it too much of your time.

YANBU to be upset that she was rude to you.

Bit I do think her not speaking to you is a from of self preservation, as many others have said.

I also think (and may well get flamed for this) that asking her partner to be a godfather, when you and your DH are fully aware of their problems conceiving, is perhaps a little thoughtless? This is putting her in a very painful situation, and perhaps almost rubbing her nose in it?

Sorry if that sounds really harsh, it's not meant to and I do realise it's a very difficult situation for all - just trying to see it from her point of view.

I would just leave it if at all possible. Yes it was rude, but this is someone who is beyond rational because of her pain. I guess it all depends on how likely your relationship is to continue after you move overseas.

DH and I had friends who completely dropped us when we got married because they knew we'd be trying for children and they have been, unsuccessfully, been having IVF for years. We were expecting it - they have avoided all friends with kids since finding out about their fertility problems and even travelled to one wedding then didn't go because they found out that the bride was pregnant when they arrived.

DH is really angry about their attitude, but as someone who really wanted children myself, I cannot judge them - I'm just sad that we have lost them as friends. I really think that the wife needs counselling - perhaps your "friend" does too - but I don't think you should be the one to suggest it. Someone should, though, if your relationship is going to continue - I don't think it is something you can sort out yourselves.

Nobody disputes that infertility is heartbreaking and awful. I can remember feeling like everywhere I looked, there's another pregant woman or baby to remind you. I did find it hard to go to family events like christenings and birthdays - so I just allowed myself to make my excuses and stay away.

What I never EVER did was begrudge anyone else their children and treat them like crap because I found it "too painful"! That is not self-preservation, that's just spite.

My SIL has been unbearable since I had my daughter. I feel very sad that she could not have children, I also understand as I am unable to have any more, but I would never make any of my friends with bigger families feel uncomfortable.

My SIL started to take her frustration out on my daughter, which was totally unacceptable, we now have very little contact.

I have had some experience of this and I tried very hard to understand. i was dumped by a friend I had supported for years. It took me a year to conceive DS3 and I had no idea that it would happen. My age was against me but fortunately it did happen. Friend was ttc at the time. It has been very difficult for her. But as much as I tried to understand it did really hurt me. I found it particularly difficult to deal with as she had not thought twice about bringing her teenage daughter round to my house on many, many occassions after I had lost mine.

It was incredibly painful to have a teenage girl in my home. I cant begin to describe how much it hurt. BUT I would never, ever have shown it or asked them not to come. It was my pain and it wasnt anyone else's fault. I didnt want to make someone feel bad for having a healthy teenager so I found it hard to deal with someone begrudging me a baby. Particularly after what had happened.

Its sounds as if this woman is projecting her pain onto you. She does deserve every sympathy for her infertility but even those who deserve our sympathy should not be allowed to hurt and blame us.

Like pps have said, I would NOT go to a 14year old's birthday party and be rude and nasty to the child's mother because my heart was breaking. I just wouldnt go.

stonethecrows: you've written

I also think (and may well get flamed for this) that asking her partner to be a godfather, when you and your DH are fully aware of their problems conceiving, is perhaps a little thoughtless? This is putting her in a very painful situation, and perhaps almost rubbing her nose in it?

Just to clarify - DH had already asked this woman's partner to be godfather to our first child, the one we lost, when I was pregnant. So when we got pregnant again - at which point they were still ttc but had not been advised of any problems yet, we asked him if he would still be godfather to the child that we were, all being well, expecting. They weren't diagnosed with infertility until our first child was about 5 months old, shortly after which we became pregnant again. I agree, it would be insensitive to ask him to be gf if we'd known they were infertile.

Strangely enough, my SiL and BiL on my husband's side are also unable to have children and, by chance, my BiL was at our place when I went into labour with dc2. It was a very quick labour - dh had to essentially catch the baby, as there was no time for the midwives to get to us - and BiL witnessed, ahem, rather more than I would have liked him to. But I will never forget how he put me at my ease and made me feel that I'd actually given him a gift, saying "I witnessed a miracle today, and I'll never do that with my own wife, so thank you." And his wife, my SiL, said much the same thing - "he'll never experience that with me, so I'm so glad that he was able to experience that with you"

I only include this anecdote as it so highlights for me the different ways that people cope with being faced by things and situations that are beyond their reach.

chegirl's post says it ALL I think.

I really think you should let this go LTEC - there's no hope of rescuing this situation imho. Carrying on worrying about it is just like picking a scab for you.

How does your husband feel about simply maintaining his friendship with the husband?

Was the invite to your DD's party only to the godfather or was it extended to his partner (sorry, haven't read it all)? I have interpreted your OP as being that the GF was invited and not the partner, as you assumed he would come alone? If that is the case, I would be pretty pissed off, taking everything else out of it, that my DH had been invited to something like that and I had not, therefore, IMO putting my DH in the position whereby he felt he had to pressure me into attending iyswim?

Another point, is this woman not a grown up? Can she not stand up for herself? If I really didn't want to go or do something for whatever reason, no amount of pressure of cajoling would make me go, particularly if it was me in her situation.

YANBU to feel upset by her behaviour, as others have said she should either have had the decency to be civil to you in your own home or she should have stayed away. And as for emailing you with a list of "offences" it sounds like she is trying to blame you for her own rudeness. It sounds mean, but you are well rid of her as a "friend". Her fertility issues are not your issues and should not detract from the joy of having your 3rd.

it was just a verbal invitation extended to the godfather ... and given that we've invited them to stuff over the last few months and he's come alone we sort of assumed that it would be the same this time, especially as this was going to be so child-focused (whereas as other things have been evening things, once the kids are in bed) that she's not turned up to ... like dinner at our new house etc.

Also, dh saw them a few days before the party and his friend said "see you Sunday" at which point she apparently said "what's sunday?" and then went quiet when my dh said "it's dd's party" If she intended to come, I guess he thought she might have said something then.

We've maybe been a bit stupid.