to be desperately upset over this or am i just over reacting?

[notsurewhattobelieve]

ok im a reg who's namechanged. some of you will probably guess its me but Dp knows my sign in so didn't want him finding this.

ok, been with DP almost 10 months but we met some 6 months before and had chatted building up to actually taking the step into a relationship from then.

I love him to bits and have been blissfully happy. my kdis adore him and he practically lives here. He tells me he loves me constantly and has never given me any reason to doubt that he does.

here's the bit thats torn my world apart. I have an old friend that found me on facebook. he is a computer hacker as a bit of a hobby and whilst we were joking about and he was teasing me for being so loved up (very out of character) he bascially hacked into Dp's facebook account to try and freak me out with loads of silly details about him. sort of "yeah i know, his birthday is in xx and he drives a xx" sort of thing.
all a bit funny (but yes even though it was meant as a joke i fully appreciate how very wrong this was and said friend and I have already had words)
anyway, joking about was fine but he then stopped and was very serious and told me i needed to speak to Dp about a few things. he wouldn't go into details at first he just said thatthere was something about his recebnt trip abroad ( a stag weekend) that i should know.

After me threatening him with violance he finally told me that there were messages from DP to some woman who lived where teh sdtag do went and he had arranged to meet up with her.

I wasn't sure whether to believe him or not and had decided to just ask Dp if there was anything i should know about the stag.

But the more i thought about it the more it niggled me.

Old friend had always had a bit of a crush on me so (as big headed as it sounds) i thought maybe he was doing thsi to try and split us up?
I managed to send a text to dp by mistake so he got the gist of our conversation and offered up his sign in deatils anyway.

I resisted the urge to look for ages but eventually i did the worst and looked.

I sooo wish i hadn't.

There was indeed a conversation with the woman and he had arranged to meet her when they were away. then another when he got home apologising for not getting the chance to see her. lots of "im so gutted i missed you" "don't worry i'll get back out again soon enough" " i want you to sing for me again"

Ok so he didn't actually meet her but he wanted to and was gutted he didn't.

His side is that she is an old school friend (further checks reveal this to be true) who has lived over there for years so obvioulsy when he went over he wanted to trya nd meet up. fair enough. but why wouldn't he tell me about it first? I know given this thread it'll be hard to believe but i truely am not at all jealous. its just not part of my make up. if he had told me i wouldn't have worried a single bit.

I believe that people only keep something a secret if they know its wrong.

Anyway, next i find a load of messages from an old work colleague. very chatting semi flirty..nothing too out of the ordinary. Until i get to one where she adds an X to the end of a message. he replies " is that big kiss all for me? when do i get it "
her reply is whenever you want it "right now would be good. it's been ages though so i might take the top of your head off"

WE'd been together 6 months at the date of this message and we have the best sex life of anyone i know!!!

more reading and she menations seeing a photo of us together at NYE. she basically implies that im no supermodel and he giggles along. then admits that he "did shag her that night though" and makes out like i was just a one night stand!

He says that it was just office banter and he didn't want them all knowing about me so he didnt tell them anything.
it was all innocent as they both worked with her partner and it was all just a bullshit game of who can go the furthest.

but why deny i exist? why make me out to be some cheap one nighter? why allow her to take the piss out of me like that?

But here's the bit i am most devestated by.

a month or so before we finally got together but we were speaking constantly on the phone, we chatted for literally HOURS every day and texted constantly.
It was clear we both liked each other.

there was a conversation with one of his friends. they were chatting about going up to meet up with some girl freinds they knew for a weekend or coming down to where i live to meet back up with me and my friends again (we met them all on holiday)

anyway, conversation is typical lad stuff nothing that i'd want my mum reading but nothing that worries me too much until we get to the very last message.
they were discussing the fgact that some girl he was trying his luck wth had blown him out. he goes on to say that this is why he doesn't really bother chasing women anymore as its too much hassle.
and that
"at this rate i'll end up with Gigantaur xx from xx" ME!

so he has settled with me. the joke freaky bird they all laugh about. he couldn't get anyone else so i'll do until he does?

he says that it was pride and machismo. he didnt want to say thathe liked me in case it didnt work out and he'd look a fool.
So why mention me at all? and why be so fucking horrid?

I love him sooo much and most of me believes him about the first two incidents but the last set of messages have just totally devesated me.
i feel humiliated.

So please. MN jury. am i over reacting or is he actually scum?

really? it has to be true love OR great sex? gosh thats depressing

mamazon - not sure 'true love' is a concept I believe in. I think if you're in a proper long standing relationship of any kind you need to respect each other and to work on lots of aspects of that relationship together in order to maintain it. You can't possibly spend all your time declaring your undying love and having amazing sex. If you did I'd think you were probably neglecting other parts of the relationship. Some people are better matched sexually than others but I think if great sex is a main factor in your relationship I wouldn't be thinking it was going to be a. particularly long lasting or b. a particularly loving relationship.

That said people should be forgiven for rubbish mean things they flippantly say and don't mean. It really depends on what type of person he is. Is he nasty and immature when around his mates because they all are or was he being nasty and immature because he was feeling raw and uncomfortable? If his mates are the kind that encourage these kinds of remarks I'd say that meant he was the nasty immature kind otherwise what would he have in common with nasty immature mates?

I think OP may be jumping into love too quickly. There's nothing wrong with having a committed but casual relationship where there's no declarations of love or promises of a future but there is some great sex and a bit of fun together.

actually my DH declared undying love and we have great sex so it can happen...

Ok, He sounds like a complete knob./arse (delete where appropriate)...but only you can gauge his sincererity..it is easy for us all to get the pitch-forks out and say get rid..but it is possible to feel one way about a person and for those feelings to change dramatically as time passes..

also bear in mind that in the past conversations had between friends were not written down (unless in letter form)..things could have been said and no-one would be the wiser..now we have access to these past conversations that would never have existed if spoken..

I agree that you should take it slow and talk about how you feel..be honest..get everything out in the open then choose your path..goodluck

Another one in the what rot camp on that question.

did i see Custy just hug..

not saying can't happen or that it is rubbish or that great sex is an indicator of a bad relationship, just that there's more to real life and therefore if that's the main thing the other things are probably suffering.

Also that if the relationship consists of great sex, declarations of undying love, he is ashamed to claim you in public and has been disrespecting you to his mates and you both have issues from past relationships that the disparity between how he is with you and how he talks about you to others is an indicator of a problem not the great sex.

he sounds as though he talks a very good game but the fact of the matter is he's disrespected you in, imo a most unacceptable way.

how could you have any future with a man like this, who talks about you in that way?

actions speak louder than words. he can tell you he loves you all day long but his actions would suggest that even if he did love you, he has zero respect.

i'm sure things would only get worse, you're only 6 months in.

sorry to be so brutal but i really hope you summon up the courage to kick this prick out of your life and importantly, out of your children's lives.

G
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End up with?

OMFG I would've gone mad!

Unforgivable. Get rid right away IMO.

I was once with a prick a bit like this

exactly the same, he talked a good game and had an answer for everything - he was a chronic flirt and used to refer to various other girls with pet names he called me and have conversations about an "intimate" piercing he had with a particular ex he didn't refer to me as gigantor mind, but on one occassion he was dammed rude in reference to me and its was pretty similar from what I remember (can't remember exactly as I've pretty much wiped his pathetic existence from my mind )... I could go on but I won't.

He eventually left me for an ex that had cheated on him in the past with a guy who had HIV (said ex didn't have HIV but said getting the call about needing to have a rest done nearly killed him and their break up caused him to have a nervous breakdown) - go figure!!

if somebody likes you, why would they be worried that they'll look a fool if things don't work out? things don't work out all the time, its just a stupid excuse because he's a dick.

if a man cannot be proud of you then he isn't worth your time, end of.
also, the fact that he gave up his details so freely rings alarm bells for me because it means he doesn't think that he had done any wrong with the things he has said - when clearly, this is no way to talk about/treat someone you like!

FWIW - at my biggest, I went upto 20st 7lb with my fiancé and mutual friends are always telling me that he bangs on about how beautiful and sexy I am and how he's happy to be with me - there are better men out there and you deserve one of them, don't waste your time on this loser, you are worth so much more x

What an utter arse he is - poor you. I'd kick him to the curb

Unforgivable. I could not carry on the relationship after seeing all that. I would never be able to trust him and I'd be constantly worrying about where he was, who he was with, and what he was doing. If I were you, I would end the relationship.

I totally agree that his behaviour has been unacceptable, and that boys should not be allowed to get away with such ridiculousness.

But.

I work in a male-oriented field, and am quite horrified by the way colleagues refer to their partners and families. One-on-one, they are delightful and full of praise, and if I call them up on it they tell me that it's 'just banter'. Gross as it is, I think a lot of men need to present a front to others.

Only you know whether he is a good man or not. Good luck.

Lose both of these men from your life. Your bloke is clearly not to be trusted, and your 'friend's' behaviour is inappropriate, probably illegal and definitely bloody well creepy.

You're worth more than this. What a cock.

I was in a relationship where my bf would flirt with girls online big time, i found out and he managed to convince me that it wasn't real, blah blah. I believed him because I wanted to, but eventually found out that one of these girls had sucked him off in his car just after Christmas. I actually stayed with him after that for about six months but eventually it was too much and I just snapped.

Perspective is a beautiful thing, now I can see what a humongous wanker he is.

Don't know whether anyone else has mentioned it, but are you sure tha your 'friend' didn't send the messages etc??

Have read the thread ooops.

What a loser

Drop him like it's hot!!

Ok, seeing all the furious comments, i am going to be a bit of the Devil's advocate.

Have you ever heard that proverb about not listening behind doors or you will be hurt by what you hear? I believe this is exactly what has happened here. The messages to his friends sound like boy-banter to me. You entered his private account - which, by the way, is an illegal thing to do - and went into his most private messages. Yes, the comment about you was tasteless and disgusting, but have you never ranted about someone you love with someone else just to relieve some pressure, saying things you would never say to the face of the other person? I remember saying of one of my boyfriends, before I fell in love with him, that he looked "too geekish for me" to one of my friends. And then I fell for him and never found him remotely geekish anymore. He probably would have been hurt had he heard that conversation. But he didn't, because it was a private conversation, never meant for his ears. Like the private messages in your DP's Facebook page.

I am not trying to excuse what he said. I am trying just to put it in perspective. The fact is, he IS with you, has been with you for months, tells you and shows you he loves you. And you're planning to break up over something you found out while spying on his Facebook account? I would understand it - though still not condone the breach of privacy - if you found evidence of him cheating on you. I do understand you being hurt about what you read. But breaking up a relationship that was going great until now because of a comment made in private before you even started going out?

I believe the matter of your weight is the fact here. Had the comment been about anything else, you wouldn't have felt like that (for instance: "I will end up going up with the girl with that horrible hairdo!"). Unfortunately weight IS a big issue with us women, and as soon as it is touched, we jump. I seriously believe it was a "macho"-type comment with his pals that he now deeply regrets. What guys do not understand is how us women can completely ignore a rude stranger calling us sluts, whores, ugly, silly, etc... but if someone mentions our weight, we'll remember that comment for the rest of eternity. Is this the case here? Would you have reacted like that if instead of "Gigantaur" he had used a different reference? It is a clear difference for us, but it may not be for a guy.

Anyway, everything you read here are just opinions. Only you and him know exactly what has happened and how you feel. I would just recommend you to go with facts, and not let your hurt self-esteem take decisions for you.

Whatever happens, I hope the best for you!

(((hugs)))

I think gargantuor was re: OP's height - not weight

she ain't fat anyway, so if it was about that I'd follow BOFs boot to his arse with one of my own!

what do you want to do OP? Do you think you could forgive / move on? I don't know if it was showing off or whatever, but it was a very insensitive and stupid thing to say to his mate...