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Original poster

to be desperately upset over this or am i just over reacting?

103 replies

notsurewhattobelieve · 30/07/2009 13:19

ok im a reg who's namechanged. some of you will probably guess its me but Dp knows my sign in so didn't want him finding this.

ok, been with DP almost 10 months but we met some 6 months before and had chatted building up to actually taking the step into a relationship from then.

I love him to bits and have been blissfully happy. my kdis adore him and he practically lives here. He tells me he loves me constantly and has never given me any reason to doubt that he does.

here's the bit thats torn my world apart. I have an old friend that found me on facebook. he is a computer hacker as a bit of a hobby and whilst we were joking about and he was teasing me for being so loved up (very out of character) he bascially hacked into Dp's facebook account to try and freak me out with loads of silly details about him. sort of "yeah i know, his birthday is in xx and he drives a xx" sort of thing.
all a bit funny (but yes even though it was meant as a joke i fully appreciate how very wrong this was and said friend and I have already had words)
anyway, joking about was fine but he then stopped and was very serious and told me i needed to speak to Dp about a few things. he wouldn't go into details at first he just said thatthere was something about his recebnt trip abroad ( a stag weekend) that i should know.

After me threatening him with violance he finally told me that there were messages from DP to some woman who lived where teh sdtag do went and he had arranged to meet up with her.

I wasn't sure whether to believe him or not and had decided to just ask Dp if there was anything i should know about the stag.

But the more i thought about it the more it niggled me.

Old friend had always had a bit of a crush on me so (as big headed as it sounds) i thought maybe he was doing thsi to try and split us up?
I managed to send a text to dp by mistake so he got the gist of our conversation and offered up his sign in deatils anyway.

I resisted the urge to look for ages but eventually i did the worst and looked.

I sooo wish i hadn't.

There was indeed a conversation with the woman and he had arranged to meet her when they were away. then another when he got home apologising for not getting the chance to see her. lots of "im so gutted i missed you" "don't worry i'll get back out again soon enough" " i want you to sing for me again"

Ok so he didn't actually meet her but he wanted to and was gutted he didn't.

His side is that she is an old school friend (further checks reveal this to be true) who has lived over there for years so obvioulsy when he went over he wanted to trya nd meet up. fair enough. but why wouldn't he tell me about it first? I know given this thread it'll be hard to believe but i truely am not at all jealous. its just not part of my make up. if he had told me i wouldn't have worried a single bit.

I believe that people only keep something a secret if they know its wrong.

Anyway, next i find a load of messages from an old work colleague. very chatting semi flirty..nothing too out of the ordinary. Until i get to one where she adds an X to the end of a message. he replies " is that big kiss all for me? when do i get it "
her reply is whenever you want it "right now would be good. it's been ages though so i might take the top of your head off"

WE'd been together 6 months at the date of this message and we have the best sex life of anyone i know!!!

more reading and she menations seeing a photo of us together at NYE. she basically implies that im no supermodel and he giggles along. then admits that he "did shag her that night though" and makes out like i was just a one night stand!

He says that it was just office banter and he didn't want them all knowing about me so he didnt tell them anything.
it was all innocent as they both worked with her partner and it was all just a bullshit game of who can go the furthest.

but why deny i exist? why make me out to be some cheap one nighter? why allow her to take the piss out of me like that?

But here's the bit i am most devestated by.

a month or so before we finally got together but we were speaking constantly on the phone, we chatted for literally HOURS every day and texted constantly.
It was clear we both liked each other.

there was a conversation with one of his friends. they were chatting about going up to meet up with some girl freinds they knew for a weekend or coming down to where i live to meet back up with me and my friends again (we met them all on holiday)

anyway, conversation is typical lad stuff nothing that i'd want my mum reading but nothing that worries me too much until we get to the very last message.
they were discussing the fgact that some girl he was trying his luck wth had blown him out. he goes on to say that this is why he doesn't really bother chasing women anymore as its too much hassle.
and that
"at this rate i'll end up with Gigantaur xx from xx" ME!

so he has settled with me. the joke freaky bird they all laugh about. he couldn't get anyone else so i'll do until he does?

he says that it was pride and machismo. he didnt want to say thathe liked me in case it didnt work out and he'd look a fool.
So why mention me at all? and why be so fucking horrid?

I love him sooo much and most of me believes him about the first two incidents but the last set of messages have just totally devesated me.
i feel humiliated.

So please. MN jury. am i over reacting or is he actually scum?

OP posts:
GetOrfMoiLand · 30/07/2009 14:50

Plus, even if you could forgive the Gigantaur comment, would you be able to live with the whole flirty/sexual emails thing which has been going on so more recently?

Original poster
notsurewhattobelieve · 30/07/2009 14:53

beanie - don't worry i have vented my splean at friend over this. its an old old friend that i only caught up with on facebook and i hadn't seen for at least the last 12 years so wont be too big a loss.

the flirty emails have made me angry but i can get over them.

It really is the gigantaur thing thats upset me the most

OP posts:
Morloth · 30/07/2009 14:55

Cut him loose and count yourself lucky, better to find out now than later. Having said that snooping never ends well.

blinks · 30/07/2009 15:04

i'd introduce my boot to his arse.

curiositykilled · 30/07/2009 15:04

I think he might genuinely care for you, or he might not. How can you tell? You can't really.

I have to say a good way of judging someone is by the friends they choose. If his friends are immature idiots that he feels the need to impress and are impressed by this attitude then likely he's an arse. If his friends are a bit taken aback by his rude, immature attitude to you/women and it has all come from him then it's likely he's just immature and unconfident.

I have to say it'd be hard to not let something like this ruin a relationship beyond repair whether he meant it or not. He might not have actually cheated but I think it is the betrayal aspect of cheating which is bad, and you're clearly feeling betrayed, so what he has or hasn't actually done/said/meant is not so important.

Original poster
notsurewhattobelieve · 30/07/2009 15:14

it would never ever have crossed my mind to look at his page/check his phone etc.
im not like that at all and he has never given me reason to want to.

he did freely give up his log in details, without me even asking.
i don't know whether that because he had nothing to hide in as much as it really was all innocent so no need to hide it, or that he doesn't see that hwta he has said or done is wrong.
he has said he understand why im upset, that he knows how hurtfull it must be and that he was wrong.

anyfucker - i have been so guarded with him because of X. i didn't even let him inside my front door till we were 3 months into the relationship and even then he turn up till after the kids were in bed and left before they woke up.
I didn't want to rush anything.

but i fell in love with what i saw. maybe i needed to see this other side to put it all into perspective

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/07/2009 15:19

NSWTB, at the risk of sounding like a nag, 10 months is rushing it

and professions of undying love mean jackshit without the perspective you have discovered, its all just yap

but I am very old-fashioned so you can ignore me

curiositykilled · 30/07/2009 15:27

I'm with anyfucker professions of undying love almost always mean very little...

NSWTB - if you weren't over X at the start your relationship was prob not too healthy to begin with.

Ealingkate · 30/07/2009 15:30

I was typing and missed loads of the in between comments I just not quick enough!!

Original poster
notsurewhattobelieve · 30/07/2009 15:37

Curiosity - i was certainly over X. i had been seperated from him for 5 years. but he was very violant and controlling.

I don't know what im going to do but i think this has flagged up some other area's of our relationship that need sorting out.

BitOfFun's comment about him piggy backing my life whilst not invloving me in his has really hit home.

think we need a long long talk.
get ready for me over in the "where are all the fit men" threads though

OP posts:
lal123 · 30/07/2009 15:41

This might or might not be at all relevant... when I first started going out with my DP one of the biggest reasons I saw him more than twice was because my best friend at the time bet me that I couldn't hold down a longish term relationship. We've been together over 15 years now (won that bet!!) and he knows about the bet ( may have told him when drunk) Anyway - just saying that you can't always judge how a relationship will turn out by the way you're treated at the beginning of it

MoonIsATiredSlayer · 30/07/2009 15:42

He's a fucking arse, get rid. How dare he speak about you like that joking or not.

posieparkerinChina · 30/07/2009 15:48

The first few months/years of a relationship is supposed to be the best, if this is your start it doesn't look like a bed of roses. get rid and see how much he grovels to start again....maybe he is very insecure and was keeping up appearances????

I know a few male friends who have been like this at the beginning and are now happily married to "that huge girl from Friday night".....or "the ginger one"....or" the one with the squiffy eye"!!

curiositykilled · 30/07/2009 15:48

NSWTB - From what you said you were clearly still affected by relationship with X even if over HIM. It sounds like you were still feeling afraid of relationships when you began relationship with DP. I was in similar position with X so understand there's a difference between being over X and over a terrible experience in a horrible relationship.

Think lal123 is right. Think it depends why he was so disrespectful. Is he actually an arse or was he just in a bad place at the time? Also can you forgive and never bring it up when you argue/look at yourself naked without thinking gigantour?

DaisybabyScaredOfCows · 30/07/2009 15:51

How horrible for you. As others have said, he does sound very immature, if not somewhat cruel.

The thing you saw where he said "she's 6'1 and lovely and loads of fun. oh and has massive charlies" wouldn't particularly go down too well with me either. It doesn't show the greatest of respect for you, and it sounds as if he might have a bit of an issue with your height. As a tall girl myself, that would be something I would find really difficult to cope with, especially if my DP/DH was shorter than me.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

curiositykilled · 30/07/2009 15:55

On reflection though;

It does annoy me that being disrespectful about your partner is put down to "typical lad stuff"... I don't think it is. I think being disrespectful about your partner is nasty and immature and I can't imagine ever wanting to be with someone who behaved like this or had friends who found it funny or desirable.

bumpsoon · 30/07/2009 16:00

Ok ,well nothing he has said is very nice quite the opposite infact ,but and its a big but (and he clearly likes them if the gigantor tag is anything to go by !) ,this is the number one downside of this wonderful thing we call the internet .People almost seem to take on a different persona once you stick a keyboard infront of them ,or at least some do .
Yes he has been a knob of the highest order on the web ,probably down to as he says blokeish bravado. But in real life ,in your relationship so far how does he treat you ? If you are really in love with this man ,then im not sure a load of crap on the internet would automatically spell the end of a relationship for me .Perhaps finding this now is a good thing ,possibly you have been viewing the relationship through rose tinted post coital steamed up glasses and have had him on a pedastal (not literally ,although....). Have you explained to him how let down you feel ? That he now doesnt seem the person you thought he was ? Ask him how he would feel if he found out in the early days of your relationship you had been slagging him off as having a small penis and arranging to meet a old school friend who was male ,but not telling him ? Hope you can work things through if he is worth it .

brimfull · 30/07/2009 16:01

I think he was compensating for his lack of height and was obviously embarassed about it.His way of dealing with that was to take the piss out of your height-very childish but I think forgiveable if you love him and are sure he loves you.

Spidermama · 30/07/2009 16:05

Arse.
Ditch him.

Sorry.

flimflammum · 30/07/2009 16:21

I don't know, I think the key thing is that the most hurtful bit (nasty joke about your size) was before you were together. If he was still talking about you that way, then that would be very different. What he does, how he actually treats you now, is more important than something he said 10 months ago. I think it's too easy for others to say chuck him, men are bastards, blah blah blah.

chocolateismyonlyweakness · 30/07/2009 16:25

I agree with AnyFucker, if you decide to try and make a go of it take it slowly (I had right gits declare their undying love and it turned out to mean nothing).

If he's going to be mature enough to be a great partner and a responsible step-dad, only time will tell.

But sorry you're going through this horrible time.

curiositykilled · 30/07/2009 16:35

There's four things that in combination ring alarm bells with me:

  1. Generally disrespecting you or pretending he didn't like you secretly to other ppl in the beginning of your relationship - shows he can be manipulative and secretive.
  2. Declaring undying love - immature?
  3. Great sex life - great but to me this normally means someone is abnormally interested in the sexual side of a relationship.
  4. That you have stated both you and he are affected by previous experiences in relationships - Not a great way for either of you to be secure in a relationship.

I have to say I have never had a REAL relationship with someone who declared their undying love and who I had great sex with.

oliviasmama · 30/07/2009 16:45

What a cock!

Lets face it, what you've seen is low but it also smacks of male bravado.

I think there are flawed areas of your relationship and I agree the most obvious being him "piggy backing your life" and your obvious absence from his.

I'd not have the inclination to persue this if it were me, I think he's been disloyal but I get the feeling your quite into him so you perhaps need to have the "chat".

oliviasmama · 30/07/2009 16:49

"I have to say I have never had a REAL relationship with someone who declared their undying love and who I had great sex with. "

......couldn't agree more curiosity

iamaLeafontheWind · 30/07/2009 16:58

DOes he have any female friends you trust for an opinion? Just wondering as a friend of my DH's is the worst bloke when he's out an about & was quite rude about a 'one nighter' he'd had - who he then married & is obviously very in love with. Guys protect themselves from losing face in all sorts of strange ways. If his wife ever found out how rude he had been she would be very hurt, but I would tell her that it meant nothing.