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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be rather pissy with my DP right now..?

31 replies

ErikaMaye · 29/07/2009 18:08

Okay so last week there was a big thing on here about him reading what had been written. The responces from some of the people who had read it really upset and offended him, to the point where he has now relapsed with him ED. The past few days he's got more and more distant, and I've got more and more concerned, seeing it suck him in again. Earlier, he said that if I wasn't listening to him when he said he was fine, it "wasn't his problem". I text him just now saying I was sorry, but that I was just worried about him, and the reply said that he wasn't going to spend the rest of his life reassuring me when I clearly don't believe him.

I'm hurt and angry. I can't seperate the ED from him right now, and that's confusing. I'm trying not to be too angry at him, but right now I am. He says he's not pushing me away but that's exactly how it feels. AIBU or just paranoid?

OP posts:

Boys2mam · 29/07/2009 20:58

Sorry Erika, I didn't catch last wks thread.

Whats ED?

Original poster

ErikaMaye · 29/07/2009 21:13

ED - Eating Disorder, sorry.

OP posts:

Boys2mam · 29/07/2009 21:19

Ah right, I have absolutely no experience in this arena but hen I was dealing with my ex and his depression my GP (as in doctor) was amazing. She gave me advice on looking after myself and helping him. Can you speak to anyone for support?

Boys2mam · 29/07/2009 21:20

when not hen

Original poster

ErikaMaye · 29/07/2009 21:23

No one else knows... I have tried speaking to my own therapist about how best to support him, but because he doesn't want to go to therapy there's very little I can do, except try and make sure that he's getting a reasonable safe intake of things when I'm around.

I know it takes over a person, and some behaviour is entirely related to the disorder, but am struggling to differinciate.

Thankyou for your advice. I might try speaking to my GP, although its a different surgery to his.

OP posts:

Boys2mam · 29/07/2009 21:28

Thats probably a good thing, the separate surgery that is. They can advise you as the 'carer' (not a good phrase in this instance, but you catch my drift?) so you're aware what channels of support you can follow.

I'm not sure if this falls under their remit but have you tried posting under Mental Health?

BecauseImWorthIt · 29/07/2009 21:32

I did read your post. I'm sorry - I have no experience of self harm or eating disorders or mental health issues, so I can't advise as to what you should do here.

But what I can say, with absolute certainty, is that this man is not someone who you should be considering a long term future with, for the sake of you and your baby.

You - with your own disabilities and issues - need someone more reliable to help through the next few weeks of your pregnancy, and then the time after the birth of your child. He is not stable enough to offer you this.

His reactions on here were enough of a giveaway - and his response since then is really worrying.

Boys2mam · 29/07/2009 21:39

It may be so BecauseIm, but if there is a child involved surely you must explore the support avenue before you dismiss the relationship? I don't know the history, so I will accept any rebuttal, but I'm sure any child needs to know that their parents have at least tried to make it work?

Original poster

ErikaMaye · 29/07/2009 21:49

Please... I want to make this work, and for us to work as a family. Without trying to sound ungreatful, if the advice I'm going to recieve is that I should leave him, I'd rather not hear it. Right now, I want to try and work through the issues, not just run away from them. And like Boys2mam has said, its got to be better for our little boy if we try and stick together at the very least.

OP posts:

bigchris · 29/07/2009 21:54

well it must be awful to read what your wife has written about your person life on here
but your op doesnt give all your history
people with eating disorders are very selfish people
but it sounds like you know all that ready
i'm not sure what advice you are after?

skybright · 29/07/2009 21:59

I have not read your last thread but my experience with ED is that people can recover.

The hugely frustrating thing is as you know that it is only the person that can have a lightbulb moment and decide that they no longer want food to rule their lifes.

Can you tell me a bit more,is your DP anorexic or bulemic? What is his BMI.

Or can you put a link to your last thread as i can't work out how to get on to it.

dollius · 29/07/2009 22:03

Erika, you have enough on your plate at the moment. You need to be concentrating on yourself and that little one growing at the moment. Of course that doesn't mean you should leave him, but you must tell him to go and see the doctor, and not expect you to shoulder everything by yourself.

lizziemun · 29/07/2009 22:04

Erika

In your other thread it was very clear how much you love and want to help your DP, but you can't he needs to do it.

Skybright here the link

Snorbs · 29/07/2009 22:08

ErikaMaye, if your partner's ED is getting worse at the moment then it's important for you to understand that his reasons are his own. People with eating disorders tend to go through cycles of times when they're doing well and times when they're not. The stated reasons/excuses/triggers for the ED are less important than the fact that he's got some deep problems that he's refusing to address or resolve.

I'm not going to tell you to leave him. I don't even know the guy. What I would very strongly recommend is you learning to avoid taking on his problems. His ED and other problems are, and I mean this in as gentle a way as possible, nothing to do with you. You didn't cause them, you can't control them for him, and you can't cure him.

I'd really recommend you get hold of a book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It can help immensely in working out ways of taking your attention off of him and his problems and, instead, putting that attention on yourself. I'm not saying to stop loving him or to stop being concerned for him. It's about giving him back the responsibility for dealing with his problems.

cheesesarnie · 29/07/2009 22:09

erika,you need to think of you and your baby.is this fair on either of you?do you think your dp will get better or worse when the baby arrives?have you both spoken about it?

Original poster

ErikaMaye · 29/07/2009 22:20

He's said he's not ready for therapy, and having had to have therapy for an ED when I wasn't ready for it myself, I'm not going to force him. Like its been said above HE needs to decide he wants it. He has said he'll think about going to see a dietican instead, and maybe some support groups that have been recommended via my therapist.

I feel terrible for being angry at him, knowing he's struggling, maybe more so because he very rarely looses his temper with me, regardless of how "crazy" I'm acting. I just wanted to be told that its okay to feel annoyed with him and still want to help him at the same time, really.

I can't turn round and say that as soon as our son is here he'll mirically recover, because that's irrational, but I think the fact he's trying so hard shows that he really wants to do the right thing. I didn't mention on the other board, but although his mum doesn't know, she mentioned he's always been funny with food - the age she mentioned in particular was seven. So that's about 25 years of having problems with food that he's trying to correct.

Thankyou for the book recommendation, Snorbs, I might have a look on amazon.

OP posts:

poshwellies · 29/07/2009 22:24

This is not going to help his ED is it,if he's not blaming MNetters for his latest relapse,he will be back and reading your threads again.

Why didn't you namechange?

cheesesarnie · 29/07/2009 22:25

ofcourse its ok to feel annoyed with him but also want to help him-your human

its good that hes agreed to go to some groups,its a start and a step in the right direction.if its from early childhood then yes it will be a more complex thing,he will need more help-he has a life time of habits.

i hope it all goes ok.

Rollergirl1 · 29/07/2009 22:32

I have to say i'm finding this all a bit odd. There's a big hoo-hah about him tracking you down on here and getting offended with everything everyone has said and you start another thread with this title with the same name?

Original poster

ErikaMaye · 29/07/2009 22:38

Yeah, I've been trying to name change for the past week and its just not working! I even tried resetting my profile and that didn't work either

But I don't think he would come back on here and read again. He promised he wouldn't and I trust him.

OP posts:

BecauseImWorthIt · 29/07/2009 22:38

I have reported this thread, as I'm worried about you - if it's all true - and worried that if it's not, a lot of people are being sucked into this 'dilemma'.

Original poster

ErikaMaye · 29/07/2009 22:40

"If its true"? I'm really very insulted. It was suggested I was troll on the last one. I just want some help and support. I'll go now. I'm sorry for any distress I've caused if this all appears to be too "fake" for you all

OP posts:

skybright · 29/07/2009 22:49

I have read you last thread,thanks for the link lizziemum.

I think that your DP has done a few things to try to help himself,he has gained weight and pretty much stopped self harming.

I think going to a dietician and learning about food and the way it works in your body in a more biological way might be pretty good. Support groups work for some people one on one works much better for others.

I can understand his fear of being in a group of young girls it would be very hard for him to open up.

Has he ever tried taking an anti depressant for his anxiety rather than valium? This might help with the eating disorder as well. He could ask his GP what would work best for him.

For you ErikaMaye apart from this stress you seem to be doing great,you are BTW really young to have been given a diagnosis of BPD.

Their is no reason why you can't be great parents together,although the obvious stress it does bring huge focus into your life and also a massive reality check that you need to be healthy to give your best to your son.

I wish you all the best.x

BecauseImWorthIt · 29/07/2009 22:53

I'm sorry. I have reported this, actually, out of your best interests.

I don't actually buy all your supposed attempts to change your name, which was just one thing that led me to doubt you.

Although I hope I'm wrong and you're not a troll, actually I worry more that you're real - because I don't think any of us here are really qualified to give you the help and advice that you and your DP so patently need.

curiositykilled · 29/07/2009 23:39

Erika - I've been through almost this exact thing in various ways. I have three main points;

You cannot help/save each other.
It is not better for your child to stay with him.
Neither of you will get any better until you are apart.

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