to say to family, if you dont visit us then we will stop visiting you?

[cheekster]

I know, it sounds so petty doesnt it!

But Im just totally hacked off with family and many of our friends too just expecting us to go visit them! And if we dont we get the usual phone call of - when are you coming to visit us?

I wouldnt mind but the family in mind dont have children and have to work round the usual nap/feed/bed time. DS is almost 1 and I still find it a bind to pack up a bag for him evertime! It would just be nice if others made an effort to visit us once in a while.

Well today, the inlaws comments were the straw that broke the camels back! They commented that they hadnt seen us in a while (a week BTW). So I explained they are very welcome to come and visit us, they dont have to wait for us to come to see them. And the comment was
'Id rather not go out in the bad weather'

I bit my tongue, but I dont know how! I wouldnt mind but neither of them work either like me and DH do. FIL drives, I dont see the issue!

So yes I know I prob Am BU but you see my point dont you?

o god i sympathise so much cheekster - and i don't even have that much of a problem with this! so you are not alone. my parents travel 100+ miles every fortnight to see their grandchild but the in-laws seem to be too busy jetsetting about to make it to us when it's a similar distance for them. granted they have (flexible) jobs while my parents are retired, and they are genuinely lovely people who care about us, but i still grit my teeth when they say 'it's been so long!' on the phone. like, yeah! it has! come and see us then! WE DON'T EVEN HAVE A CAR, remember??!! and don't get me started on friends without kids who think it's somehow easier for us to trek across london with a 6 mth old than for them to come to us...

YANBU

Most of my friends and family live in S/SW/South Wales.
DM lives 260 miles away.
PIL live about 190 miles away.
DB lives about 250 miles away
(Other siblings live abroad).
Many, many, many long standing friends live about 250 miles away.

And it is always us that travel. Always. Christmas, Birthdays (mine (pah!) and theirs), long weekends, weddings, hen nights, visiting new babies.....I thought having my own baby might change this. How wrong I was. OK, so it was me that moved north BUT IT WAS SEVENTEEN YEARS AGO!!!!!!!!!! After much consuktation re:date and many promises we decided to have DS's Naming Ceremony up here, because this is where WE live. Despite promises, no one from down south came apart from GPs, so I suppose that is a start.

Visiting my nearest and dearest is a big effort, and long drive with a 10 month old DS. It was better when he was small enough to sleep most of the way. Now he is awake and yelling most of the way, whatever time of day I do it, and it is almost always me driving alone. I love seeing my DM and friends, and DS having a relationship with his GPs, but I dread the journeys so much. And it is so long in time and distance that you have to go for a few days at a time. It is a huge chunk of time and life. And cost! It is not caring all the baby kit back and forth (DM and PIL have most things), it is that the effort is always on my behalf. I am begining to look forward to going back to work so I won't have the time to do it!

I would love to have a relation/DS's GP near enough to "drop in" on. Even a couple of hours away would be great.

What really pees me off is the conversation that always starts "Oh, it was lovely to see you, you should visit more often..." Well, you know those roads I came on ? - they'll take your car to my house too.

And what do I do with DS when I stop for the loo on the motorway now he is too big for an infant carrier?

Another relieved MN here.

My family live 250 miles away. My OH is disabled, DS has SN, toddler, teen. They live in a lovely part of the country but TBH I wished they lived nearer. Its akward visiting because its like going on a holiday. Mums house is v.small so I feel like we are really putting her out (she doesnt make us feel like that).

Truth is, when we visit it DOES put everyone out. It makes me feel uncomfortable. If they didnt live in such a touristy place it would be more like 'just' visiting family. As it is we go there intstead of going on holiday because we couldnt afford to do both.

Not their fault and they have lovely lives and its nice to be able to stay in such a nice place. I just feel under quite a lot of pressure IYSWIM.

We were kinda in the same situation with the ILs. It wasn't just that we were expected to go to them even when DS was a teeny weeny baby but we were treated like second-class citizens when we were there. SIL who is single and has been to uni for years so hasn't technically lived at home for years, gets the big room with double bed while DH and I squeezed onto a single bed with a pull-up bed, not very comfy, and if DS is unsettled at night (which he was when young, we couldn't cuddle him between us like we do at home as he will fall through the crack!).

DH finally lost it at his mum after Christmas (So it wasn't just me who felt it!) and it resulted in a stand-off of sorts for several months. But now they have realised they need to make more of an effort so they do come and see us more often now and when we go to them, DS gets his own room when SIL is not there or we get the big bedroom with double bed and SIL gets the smaller bedroom if all of us are there!

Sometimes people just forget what it is like to have small children. I think my ILs just assumed DS was an easy baby like DH and SIL (who according to MIL sleeps through the night, slept everywhere etc etc - they were obviously perfect babies )! And DS certainly isn't in some sense. They've also bought a high chair, a travel cot and bits and bobs that make my life a lot easier when we go and make us more inclined to want to visit more... You will find that as your DS gets older, he will be a lot easier. My DS is now 17 months old and we are even contemplating letting him stay overnight with my inlaws in the near future (if you asked me this 6 months ago, I would have said 'over my dead body!').

If it is your ILs that are on your nerves, sorry, it's your DH that needs to speak up. Otherwise you will forever be branded the evil DIL from hell. And you have to play hard ball, leave it for a few weeks and see if they do anything on their part to make a little more effort. In the end, DH and I decided this is our life and we cannot spend a precious weekend once every two weeks going to see them. It worked for us, I remember posting a post very much like yours in the early days...