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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say to family, if you dont visit us then we will stop visiting you?

54 replies

cheekster · 29/07/2009 00:57

I know, it sounds so petty doesnt it!

But Im just totally hacked off with family and many of our friends too just expecting us to go visit them! And if we dont we get the usual phone call of - when are you coming to visit us?

I wouldnt mind but the family in mind dont have children and have to work round the usual nap/feed/bed time. DS is almost 1 and I still find it a bind to pack up a bag for him evertime! It would just be nice if others made an effort to visit us once in a while.

Well today, the inlaws comments were the straw that broke the camels back! They commented that they hadnt seen us in a while (a week BTW). So I explained they are very welcome to come and visit us, they dont have to wait for us to come to see them. And the comment was
'Id rather not go out in the bad weather'

I bit my tongue, but I dont know how! I wouldnt mind but neither of them work either like me and DH do. FIL drives, I dont see the issue!

So yes I know I prob Am BU but you see my point dont you?

OP posts:
lucykate · 29/07/2009 09:16

ime some people just don't travel. at all. i used to live half an hours drive from my family, in the 6 years we lived there, one of my brothers never once visited. i went to his, but he never even saw my house.

pleasechange · 29/07/2009 09:27

because money is tight and if I can pack the highchair for free this is better for me than having to buy a booster just to visit my MIL tbh! Don't need it at my folks as my mum has got all the essentials so there isn't that hassle!

FAQtothefuture · 29/07/2009 09:29

ask for one on freecycle - there's always loads going on our local one (and it's only a small, low volume group).

hotcrossbunny · 29/07/2009 09:30

YANBU! We live about 5 hours away from my parents, I have a long term health condition, they are pretty hale and hearty, my dh works, dd in school etc. Why are we expected to visit them all the time, squeezing in weekends where we sit in traffic on the Friday nights and Sunday afternoon, when they could easily come during the week??? Drives me mad! Oh and when we go there I end up making most of the cups of tea, cooking the lunch etc. Why do I bother?

We're having lots of guilt about the summer holidays, but I can't drive that distance, so have to wait for dh to take holiday to be able to go. They know they are welcome anytime

FAQtothefuture · 29/07/2009 09:36

what would be the point of them coming during the week when your DH is at work and your DD at school?

Honestly - I think some people on here just need to get a grip and be grateful for the opportunity to see them regardless of who is doing the actual travelling.

ssd · 29/07/2009 09:38

don't agree FAQ

some in laws take the piss and the op's fall into this category

imaginewittynamehere · 29/07/2009 09:48

YANBU - I think we set the expectation pre-dc when we would do the lions share of visiting. Instead of reaping the rewards now when visiting is more difficult (2dc under 3) it is expected that we will do the travelling even though dd2 is a bad traveller & the IL's can better afford the fuel for the 300 mile round trip ( I would be happy with 50/50 visiting hosting, not so happy with 90/10 tbh)

FAQtothefuture · 29/07/2009 09:49

some IL's wouldn't even want them to visit - and THAT is taking the piss.

FAQtothefuture · 29/07/2009 09:53

and at the end of the day if it's such a huge hassle the answer is simple.

Tell them you can't visit so often because it's too much hassle for you.

FranSanDisco · 29/07/2009 10:04

Every year we fly to Glasgow to see MIL. She cannot visit us as she is claustrophobic and agrophobic . When we arrive we have to go to visit DH's brother and family, Aunt and cousin plus DH's best friend and family. Only one brother comes to us as he lives up the road. Basically we hire a car and spend the week visiting people - not a relaxing holiday. Last year was hilarious as when we got to BIL's house his wife was at work (all day) and he didn't want to come to the softplay as the football was on. Ended up DH and myself talking the 4 children for the afternoon, returning them and going back to MIL . Had a lovely time with the children though . This year - we'll see what happens .

FAQtothefuture · 29/07/2009 10:13

since when was visiting family (or having family visit you) relaxing anyhow

pleasechange · 29/07/2009 10:26

I love visiting my folks - very relaxing, lots of food and wine, what's not to like

but as for visiting the inlaws - nightmare. I'm allergic to the cat, spend the day sneezing and wheezing, have headache the following day. Can't let DS on the floor (also allergic) so have him jiggling on my knee the whole time getting bored. Listen to MIL talking about all the new clothes she's just bought (yawn yawn, so considerate flauting your wealth when we're hard up)

JintyMcGinty · 29/07/2009 10:44

YANBU - I have this with IL's too, although it sounds like your Il's are a bit lazy. My IL's have visited us once in five years, reluctantly, (they don't work BTW). They live two hours away, but both drive and are fit and well. They know they are welcome any to visit us any time 'cause I've asked them. We get on very well for the most part, but it drives me insane that we always have to go to them. They live in a tiny two up two down, so with DC's, we have to impose and stay with BIL and wife around the corner!

They are quite open about not wanting to visit us, because they refuse to leave their home town.

DH just says "You know what they are like. You won't change them. What am I supposed to do...? Not see them?!"

Mumcentreplus · 29/07/2009 10:46

LOL..it's the other way around for me..I love my mother dearly but going to her house just has an underlying stress that pisses me off plenty of food and wine but also plenty of moaning I'm very happy to be home after a visit..we live very close by ..I love going to my MIL very relaxed atmosphere..no stress..no whinging and she lives in South London we live in Herts..tbh I don't mind the travel we often stay over when we visit..it's swings and roundabouts when it comes to family no point stressing yourself over it..I ignore ignore ignore

Original poster
cheekster · 29/07/2009 22:44

Thanks for all your comments.

Im glad that so many of you agree that Im NBU!

I think I shall have to try the 'next time, its your turn to visit' comment next time we go see them. Then leave it up to them.

Plus it's getting a real bind visiting as DS is now VERY mobile and I just cant relax. Especially at the inlaws house with their glass cabinets and shleving units! Every ornament is annoyingly just at his height. I have told them it would probably be a good idea to move them when they know we are coming - but well it must have fell on deaf ears!

I shall see what happens when I insist its their turn to visit next time.

Just to add, Im not picking on the inlaws (although they do deserve after that absurd comment )Im going to try this method with a lot of my family and friends.

So whoever gave that suggestions, thanks for that - we shall see!

OP posts:
cat64 · 29/07/2009 22:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Jux · 29/07/2009 23:26

Why did you bite your tongue? It's not unreasonable to want to stay at home in this weather. I'd have taken the opp. to say how awful it is taking ds out in this weather, too.

PrincessLayer · 29/07/2009 23:35

YANBU

My mil was (now dead) disabled. She moaned we never went to visit (on the bus, with a fair walk from the bus stop). FiL had a car. Every week mil went to the hairdresser round the corner from us. 3 Times a week they went to the pub over the road from us.

Every sunday drove 60 miles to her step-daughters (and did her supermarket shop)

Taking the piss I thought.

2rebecca · 30/07/2009 23:03

YANBU, although I tend to visit my relatives more than they see me because they're all down south so can see several of them at once, plus our house isn't that big. 10-12 miles is ridiculously near though and if relatives didn't visit me and weren't disabled I'd probably be disinclined to visit them and would just say something like "your turn to see us next" "it's easier for you to come to us as you don't have children to bring" when visiting them if I wanted visiting. Generally we're not big relly visitors anyway so would rather have folk that can't be bothered than folk who are always popping in. If people don't want to come and see you find something else to do. I certainly wouldn't keep visiting them if there's no real reason they can't visit you though and you'd rather not visit. That's just being a martyr.
You maybe have to stop visiting for a while and just keep inviting them over and saying "it's your turn" to make them get the hint and actually miss you enough to get off their lazy backsides.

gingerbunny · 30/07/2009 23:22

yanbu. My in laws are the same, it drives me bloody mad. We are expected to go every weekend but they never come here, even though they only live down the road.
If we haven't been by the Tues, mil will ring oh we haven't seen you in ages (well bloody well come here then). or if we go the following weekend she'll be all over our boys, 'oh look how much you've grown'.
Whats worse is I often see her walking past my house to go to the shop, but she'll never call in.
Just after xmas i was so pissed off with it, that we decided that we wouldn't make an effort any more and see how long it would take them to come round. it took 3 weeks, but then i'm pretty sure they only came because it was my birthday.

2rebecca · 30/07/2009 23:34

I can't imagine visiting anyone every weekend. Weekends are precious. I wouldn't even want to be visited every weekend. Why do you all keep going if you resent it? I don't get this mass masochism and martydom.

mummylin2495 · 30/07/2009 23:39

ernest i also live a short distance from bournemouth airport,i wonder if your mum and i have ever met 1

Mumcentreplus · 30/07/2009 23:49

OP just visit when you feel like..no ultimatums..no bad feeling...lifes too short and you want to have a decent relationship..visit when you want to...and when they complain you say exactly what you said already... explain the way you have to us..don't make comparisons (although valid)..just do what's best for your family

TakeLovingChances · 31/07/2009 10:31

I am sooooo glad it isn't just my family and DHs family that gets on this way

Sorry for all your annoyance at your families, I feel that way too, but I am glad it's not just something I suffer.... for years I thought it was.

This has lifted my mood.

T

Stigaloid · 31/07/2009 10:44

YANBU - relationships should be give and take. If it is too one sided then people start to feel resentful. Stop visiting them - tell them they are more than welcome at yours but you want to to involve your DC in playgroups and activities locally so that they can get to know other local children. etc.