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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU..to be upset by my dh's behaviour this morning?

75 replies

motherbeyond · 25/07/2009 09:04

We have two dc.the 1st was never a great sleeper,but has settled down apart from some nights when she suffers from nightmares.
ds is a good sleeper usually, however, is teething and has a cough and a cold.
As a result i'm up at least once with him.Sometimes 2 or 3 times and if the dd has nightmares...you can imagine how i feel the next day!!
my dh goes to work at 9.30..so, if the kids get up at 7-8 am i've been trying to rest/sleep until 9 am,while he gives them breakfast.
This morning,we are all suffering from cold and coughs..and I've been up in the night again.
I asked dh to take them down..and he started shouting at me basically saying he was dying (man flu)and was i having another' lie in'?
and i should be used to getting up in the night by now and be fine to get the kids up!???
Like i said no one feels well, but of course,being a man,he feels much worse than us.
I feel really hurt that he obviously resents me staying in bed if i've had to be up in the night.
If it was the other way around, i would encourage him to try and recoup some of the sleep he'd lost in the night.we all now how lack of sleep can effect you.
I'm pissed off and now feel like i can't stay in bed.It's not like I'm having a fucking leisurely, lengthly lie-in!I try and get 30 mins or so to try and be able to function through the day!
he's gone back to bed now and i'm sitting here fuming.
we're supposed to be best friends,can't believe he's acted like this.
so AIBU?

OP posts:

Katisha · 25/07/2009 19:18

Is he up then??

KingCanuteIAm · 25/07/2009 19:25

Fair enough, but your op implies that you do. TBH if it is anything even approaching the kind of situation your op suggests I would look long and hard at what I expect before the whole thing comes up again - perhaps some re-thinking could mean that the whole thing can be put to bed for good - no pun intended!

Original poster

motherbeyond · 25/07/2009 19:36

he got up about 3pm and had whilst i could only face a bowl of cereal for my tea...he went out and got fish and chips!!!oh so ill never mind,we had a nice day in the end
king..i don't know what can be done,either i get up in the night or he does..he's not going to so i must! what iv'e said all along,just that id like a bit of time at breakfast to try and get a power nap

OP posts:

oldraver · 25/07/2009 19:48

Well the answer is to tell him he can have the 'lie in', you will get up with the kids at 7am or whenever, but he will have to do the night wakenings

ridingjoker · 25/07/2009 19:49

when does dh get a lie in?? does he ever get up later than the kids? even 1 day a week at wkd?

why not agree at wkd you swap. he does night shift. and you let him have lie in?

in return you keep rest of days as you are. him doing wake-up while you do night shift.

seems fair in my eyes. he still gets full nights sleep for work. but he still gets lie-in.

seems really unfair he's up with dc from when they rise 7 days a week?

Ninkynork · 25/07/2009 19:50

3pm and he didn't get up during the night? You know I think it shows how spoilt he is that he can sleep that long. All these women single or not saying that in their opinion 8:30 is a lie-in. I couldn't stay in bed that long since having children if I was paid to do it, ill or not, and if he was that sick, why was he drinking?

He'll be nice and refreshed for tonight won't he? And it'll be your turn to stay in bed tomorrow

franch · 25/07/2009 19:53

I'm amazed by your response King. So by getting up with the DCs during the week (possibly not much earlier than he'd be doing anyway for work), mb's DH earns a lie-in at the weekends. Fine. And by getting up in the night all week, what does mb earn? A nice early start at the weekends!

To rephrase you:

Today you are both ill and he wants you to do it again [ie get up in the night], this is the weekend so you only have two days where you could have a chance for an unbroken night's sleep and you are feeling ill, I suppose you also want to be well enough to look after the kids alone on Monday too (when you will probably give him his lovely blissful undisturbed night's sleep again).

LuluMaman · 25/07/2009 19:55

the fact that he stayed in bed until 3 pm is unreasonable. he should therefore ensure that he is up in the night and gives you a rest. or that you are up in the night and in bed all day tomorrow if you choose.

less sleep is a fact of life, but choosing to stay in bed for the best part of the day is not fair on the person up with the childern in the night and then with them all day too,

Original poster

motherbeyond · 25/07/2009 19:58

and the plot thickens..have just worked out that i am 1 week late...have'nt told him yet!aaarrghh!

OP posts:

AmazingBouncingFerret · 25/07/2009 20:03

Well if you are up the duff (to put it so politely) you have a rock solid excuse for NOT getting up in the night!

wrinklytum · 25/07/2009 20:12

It is a tricky one.

i get quite resentful of dp as I always get up with the dcs (dd has been 5am waking recently) and if they wake in the night.I am also the main breadwinner for the family as dp is poorly and can't do it physically.

I would love to lie into 8am!

I think you are both sleep dprived and both feeling poorly.Could you negotiate and maybe do alternate days getting up with the dcs asa compromise.Do they have a nap at all?You could possibly get a quick recharge then if they do

Original poster

motherbeyond · 25/07/2009 20:22

they do nap,and sometimes i have to go back to bed then.but dont you find that sleeping in the day can make you feel even worse?!!

just hope they start sleeping through again soon

OP posts:

canttouchthis · 25/07/2009 20:32

YA definately NBU. I can't function without my sleep personally, so I need DH to help out with DS some mornings. When he's off work, he does most of the childcare so I can rest. I also suggest he has a lie in too, if I feel up to getting on with it. We try our best to take it in turns. Teamwork is what it's all about afterall.

You need your DH to realise how bad this is making you feel, really have it out with him and explain that you need that extra time to lie in and feel ready to tackle the rest of the day.

KingCanuteIAm · 25/07/2009 21:03

Franch, you do realise that the smile makes you seem even more patronising and silly don't you? If I had meant what you wrote I would have written it myself

MB, so you also sleep during the day sometimes? Well, yes the plot does thicken doesn't it?

OurLadyOfPerpetualSupper · 25/07/2009 21:22

I'm assuming he's the breadwinner; I think he's being a star to get up and see to the DCs every day - I agree it's tiring at home with LOs, but you can take it easy if you want to - as you've just implied.

I think you don't know you're born - inches and miles spring to mind.

toddlerama · 25/07/2009 22:26

Yeah, you are bloody lucky with that 'powernap through breakfast' set up. No way would DH go for it. He did this on my birthday, but we both knew it was a birthday thing. You're sick and possibly pregnant which is license to whine, but you must realise that YABU?

IsItMeOr · 25/07/2009 22:48

MB - blimey, the plot does thicken! Hope it's good news if you are indeed pg iyswim. But based on some of the YABU posts here, I think you can comfort yourself that you have a pretty good relationship with your DH. My DH does similar to yours, so we are obviously just both very lucky (or chose wisely)!

franch · 26/07/2009 11:28

KingCanute

CyradisTheSeer · 26/07/2009 11:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

cheshirekitty · 26/07/2009 11:44

YANBU. I did the majority of getting up in the night when my dd was a baby because dh was overseas a lot (airforce). This was because I HAD to.

Your situation is different. Your dh should give you one decent nights sleep every week (say a Fri or Sat so he does not have to go to work the next day).

Sleep deprivation over a long time has serious reprecussions on your health. Hope you and your dh work something out.

Hope you feel better soon.

Original poster

motherbeyond · 26/07/2009 13:20

boo ..a.f arrived..damn witch!
Isitmeor-agree,chose wisely for a 18 year old!!quite lucky as could have been mega different story,been together 12 years now and very few 'real' rows.everyone feeling much better today(apart from me with p.ps!again,boooo)so we're all off swimming in a while

OP posts:

franch · 26/07/2009 13:51

Sorry you didn't have happy news mb, but glad things are looking sunnier today

;)

Original poster

motherbeyond · 26/07/2009 19:52

thanks franch

OP posts:

pamelat · 26/07/2009 20:19

3pm is ridiculous.

I work part time (3 days). I dont want to get in to the whole work verus SAHM debate but it is a lot easier to be tired on my work days.

I am off with DD on a Thurs and Fri and get a lie in until 730am on these days. She wakes at 6am.

IMO DH does and "should" want to get up with her as otherwise he hardly sees her! This way he gets a good hour with her each morning before I am up.

She rarely wakes in the night but if she did, it would probably be me that went in. She geniunely settles easier for me.

At weekends we take it in turns. His lie is on a Sunday, mine a Saturday. This "lie in" is rarely beyond 8am.

8am is late nowadays, but like I say we are rarely up in the night with her so its different.

OP I do feel for you and feel you have been given a hard time. i think its because 9am/930am seems such a late lie in.

Original poster

motherbeyond · 27/07/2009 14:42

pamelat,i get what you'e saying and do agree.however,he was'ill' alcohol induced or not.i would never usually allow him to stay in bed until that time under normal circumstances.(i would hsve done what my grandad used to do to my teenage brother..burst into his bedroom with a cup of cold water and chuck it on him!!!shouting"get up,you lazy bugger!").nor would he wish to languish in his pit(i don't think!!)until 3 pm unless he was feeling rough.
i think we've reached a certain understanding over this now,fingers crossed

OP posts:

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