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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU..to be upset by my dh's behaviour this morning?

75 replies

motherbeyond · 25/07/2009 09:04

We have two dc.the 1st was never a great sleeper,but has settled down apart from some nights when she suffers from nightmares.
ds is a good sleeper usually, however, is teething and has a cough and a cold.
As a result i'm up at least once with him.Sometimes 2 or 3 times and if the dd has nightmares...you can imagine how i feel the next day!!
my dh goes to work at 9.30..so, if the kids get up at 7-8 am i've been trying to rest/sleep until 9 am,while he gives them breakfast.
This morning,we are all suffering from cold and coughs..and I've been up in the night again.
I asked dh to take them down..and he started shouting at me basically saying he was dying (man flu)and was i having another' lie in'?
and i should be used to getting up in the night by now and be fine to get the kids up!???
Like i said no one feels well, but of course,being a man,he feels much worse than us.
I feel really hurt that he obviously resents me staying in bed if i've had to be up in the night.
If it was the other way around, i would encourage him to try and recoup some of the sleep he'd lost in the night.we all now how lack of sleep can effect you.
I'm pissed off and now feel like i can't stay in bed.It's not like I'm having a fucking leisurely, lengthly lie-in!I try and get 30 mins or so to try and be able to function through the day!
he's gone back to bed now and i'm sitting here fuming.
we're supposed to be best friends,can't believe he's acted like this.
so AIBU?

OP posts:

franch · 25/07/2009 11:39

Um, right!

Original poster

motherbeyond · 25/07/2009 11:52

i think it's overwhelmingly the single mums that think this is ok. but that's because you're used to doing iit on your own.if i had to,i would..well,what alternative is there!
surely though,being part of a loving relationship (which mine is)you learn to give and take..and if you don't learn,you split up..which may be what's happened in your cases?
yes, i know this is just a spat,and i feel a lot calmer than i did earlier.and i expect i will still get up in the night as that is the easier option.
i'll just clarify..8 am is a new time(and only dc1 that wakes then)..it has worked it's way up from 6.30 and it has only lasted a week so far,it may continue but am not hopeful!!

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 25/07/2009 12:07

you set the precedent of getting up in the night,so its not his fault is it?

a 'loving relationship' you say? you sound controlled to me....and he shouted at you. nice.

Original poster

motherbeyond · 25/07/2009 12:13

trust me...controlled is one thing i am not!!i'm a very out spoken person.although i don't know if you'd say i wear the trousers in the relationship..maybe one leg each!
it's very balanced and very open.people are allowed to have disagreements without being labelled as being in a controlling non loving relationship!
yes, i probably have made a rod for my own back doing the night shift and no he should'nt have shouted at me.but i shouted back.and it's unusual for us to argue.
as someone said when youre tired and unwell,tempers are frayed and rows are inevitable?

OP posts:

Haribosmummy · 25/07/2009 12:16

I can really see this from both sides.

my DH works away MOn-Fri, so I'm on my own with DS (1) and I'm 39 weeks PG... but (of course) I have to do everything on my own and I don't mind and we always cope.

But, when DH is home, I still get up in the night and recently we had words because I'd got a 'lie in' (till 7:30!) and he'd got up with DS...

Even though, at 7:30, I'd get up and DH would go back to bed!!!!!!

So, I don't think the OP is being unreasonable at all.

As Franch said, it's not 50:50 and doesn't need to be but there does need to be a bit of give and take.

Katisha · 25/07/2009 12:18

I don't know what the answer to competitive tiredness is. It's awful and eats away at you.

Original poster

motherbeyond · 25/07/2009 12:27

i don't think there is an answer.only compromise.i wouldn't mind,but my dh doesn't ever get up in the night,snores solidly until i kick him when they wake up naturally at around 7 am...so he shouln't be tired anyway?!!

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 25/07/2009 12:29

well op,you sound very resentfull. why i that? you say wheres 'my weekend' wheres my 'lunch hour'? it seems you have fallen into this pattern and now are finding you don't like it......you say you aren't controlled....well sort it out then. stay in bed,make him get up.....solution is there. tell him you're off to do something and he's to mind the kids and do some housework. only you can change it.

amidaiwish · 25/07/2009 12:33

i sympathise as until recently we were all very sleep deprived.
the rule was whoever was up in the night didn't have to get up with DD1 (early riser) in the morning.
personally i found it easier to get up in the night and settle them than to get up at 5.30 or so with DD1, and that is the pattern we settled in.

so, maybe you could suggest that? maybe he is getting totally fed up with getting up early with the kids and doesn't see how getting up in the night for a few minutes is such a big deal. but it is. but he'll only realise it if he does it.

maybe at weekends you swap?

blowbroth · 25/07/2009 12:40

What time did you go to bed ? Dh and I often go up to bed (to sleep ) at 9pm.

Haribosmummy · 25/07/2009 12:46

When I'm on my own, I go to bed about 30 minutes after DS. (So that would be between 7:30 and 8pm!!!! )

It's the only way I can cope with HAVING to get up with him if he's up in the night, and I find it hard to relax or watch TV when I'm thinking 'I might regret staying up'...

Original poster

motherbeyond · 25/07/2009 12:51

used to do that blowbroth, but we've been away for 3 weeks and have been going to bed a bit later,maybe around 11pm...but i have found it hasn't made much difference.
ilovetiffany..tbh im not really resentful over those things,but if im being petty and trying to get dh to see my pont of view,i may saythem,it's only the broken nights that get to me really.
i suppose i just want him to acknowkedge the fact that he appreiciatesme getting up in the night and not insisting that he does it too.
he says i always go on that im tired and have a headache which irritates me too..i feel like saying..yes, that is because im sleep deprived!!
or maybe im just a moaner

OP posts:

booyhoo · 25/07/2009 12:53

i think the two of you should set up camp on the sofa with a duvet and have games for the children to play in the same room. that way you are both up but both resting on the sofa and you can take it in turns to fetch drinks and food.

forget about who's more tired and whether he is hungover, because it will just cause more rows to bring it back up. if he's not happy with that then i would say HIBU.

you are both unwell so its not going to be a longterm arrangement. discuss the bigger problem of who gets up at a later date when you are both feeling better.

Original poster

motherbeyond · 25/07/2009 13:08

booyhoo...like your style.that sounds nice
he has been in bed since early am though and don't think i'll wake him .the words,bear,head,and sore spring to mind!

OP posts:

sleepymommy · 25/07/2009 13:29

I can't blieve how forrid you're all being. OP, YANBU! You are doing all the getting up, that's not fair. Tell him you will both get up at the same time every morning, but night wakings will be strictly 50:50 from now on. That is the only way it will be fair. He goes to work, you work equally hard at a SAHM.
I think other posters are bringing their own issues to the debate. Will someone please explain to me why one partner should do all of the getting up in the night?

sleepymommy · 25/07/2009 13:29

horrid, not forrid, sorry!

Parmageddon · 25/07/2009 13:30

So he is still in bed now! YANBU, however as someone who has always done all the night waking and all the early rising, I have no solutions for you. The only conclusion I have come to is that almost all men are unreasonable on this matter!!

IsItMeOr · 25/07/2009 13:41

YANBU to have had a row about this when you're both feeling rough. You've been v. thoughtful letting him have a good lie in, and from what you say about your relationship, I'm sure he'll be in a much nicer mood and apologise when he gets up in a little while.

Man flu does actually exist btw, there was some research about this recently. Women are better able to cope with colds than men, and the theory was that it was so that we could continue with the constant work of child rearing.

Don't think the actual time you are waking up is relevant to the issue, as every household and person has different "normal" for getting up times ime.

Hope you feel better soon!

barnsleybelle · 25/07/2009 13:44

OP YANBU. It's about teamwork and each taking care of each other.
My Dh works overseas for 3 months during which time i obviously do everything. I do not have any problems with this as dh is away working and i'm at home.
However, when he comes home for his 3 weeks leave we alternate lays in, i nudge him in the night should the children need sorting and to be honest he does probably 80% of all the childcare during this time at home.

The time you get up, how poorly you all are is irrelevant. He should definately be helping out more.

Yowey · 25/07/2009 13:57

I agree he is selfish!
He should let you sleep when you can, because if you get bloody sick - how is he going to cope being up all night?
He is a bit of an arsehole.

Original poster

motherbeyond · 25/07/2009 15:04

isitmeor...thanks for the info, that's probably true!

he's still in bed and i haven't even asked if he wants anything or spoken to him since our cross words this morning..if he hadn't been mean to me i would have been up and down bringing him tea and toast mopping his brow etc!!he can knob right off until he apologises!
the children and i are playing in the garden..still have a thumping head but frrl more awake.
always the way though,i feel ok throughout the day,just could do with the slow start when i've had a tough night!

i'm sooo showing him this thread later especially yowey's!

but have to say he's not really an arsehole,but actally rather gorgeous..most of the time anyway

OP posts:

Original poster

motherbeyond · 25/07/2009 15:13

too many typo's and punctation/grammatical errors in that to go back and correct!

OP posts:

KingCanuteIAm · 25/07/2009 15:18

Hang on, every day the dc get up at 7-8 and you get up at 9 so every day you get to lie in for 1 to 2 hours yes? So you are not really loosing sleep compared to him are you, you get to catch up every week day whilst he gets the dc up.

Today you are both ill and you want him to do it again, this is the weekend so he only has two days where he could have a chance fo a lie in himself and he is feeling ill, I suppose he also wants to be well enough to go to work on Monday too (when he will probably give you your usual 2hr lie in again).

TBH, you are being pretty selfish and a bit self absorbed. I guess it is because you are feeling just as ill as he is and you both need to take stock and try to do better tomorrow.

CrushWithEyeliner · 25/07/2009 16:50

8am is a good enough lie in, even with 4 wake ups. Sorry YABU

Original poster

motherbeyond · 25/07/2009 16:52

i see why you say that,but it's not that cut and dried...i certainly do not have a 2hour catch up everyday!!!i piggin wish!
anyway,we've made up now.but im sure it will rear it's ugly head again at some point in time..the argument that is..not the dh!

OP posts:

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