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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that my friends are making a rod for their own backs?

52 replies

welshone51 · 24/07/2009 18:57

I have two very good friends who are lovely generous people, they have a 19 month old daughter who they naturally adore. They are loving, caring parents who want the best for their only daughter.
However I have noticed in the past that they tend to give in to their daughter quite a lot.
I especially noticed it on a recent holiday with them as they tended to allow their daughter to make a lot of the decisions regarding her own care for example they ask her if she wants to go to bed, have a bath, go in her pram, get dressed e.t.c and if the child says no which she often does then she doesnt have to do these things often resulting in her going to bed at midnight, not being bathed regularly, being carried everywhere and not even having her raincovers on in torrential rain.
I am not saying I am the perfect parent at all but just feel frustrated that they are being led a merry dance by their little one. I am unsure whether they do this due to convieniance or because they dont want to upset her but I feel that they are giving their tiny daughter too many choices which may led to problems in the future. Im just wondering what other peoples opinions are on this -feel free to tell me to butt out and to mind my own!!

OP posts:
CurryMaid · 24/07/2009 19:46

But how do you know she is having her own way 24/7?

The OP just says they tend to give in to her quite a lot.

canttouchthis · 24/07/2009 19:53

when you are on holiday, the boundaries sometimes change and parents can be relaxed about things with their DC. Leave them to it.

YABU - let them parent their own way, and stop comparing their parenting skills with your own!

Original poster
welshone51 · 24/07/2009 20:07

I am not comparing them as such, as like I said I am not perfect by far and I am sure they have commented on my parenting! I am just unsure as to why they give their child so much choice and hate saying no to her! I would never interfere and didnt comment even when her child was soaked through to the skin and she said to me' Oh shes a bit wet' after not having her raincover on in torrential rain. Thanks for the advice and I can only apologise if I came over like a know it all I just wanted to let off steam after the holiday.

OP posts:
CurryMaid · 24/07/2009 20:09

It really doesn't sound like you have anything to worry about, I would forget about it.

Jojay · 24/07/2009 20:19

I know how you feel - we have friends like that who will do ANYTHING to avoid upsetting their little angel, and it drives me, and particularly my DH, potty.

On one occasion, the Dads were all walking back from town once, with an assortment of kids and buggies, and it took HOURS, by the time Madam had decided who's buggy she wanted to sit in, then she wanted to walk, then she wanted to go on the buggy board, then she wanted to go in a different buggy. All the other kids were shunted around to accommodate her demands and her father just carried on playing her games. My poor DH was practically screaming with effort of biting his lip!!

We all relax the rules every now and again to avoid a tantrum but when it puts other people out to that degree, all to accommodate the whims of a two year old, it's downright rude.

But you can never say anything though

hocuspontas · 24/07/2009 20:29

You see I'm the other way. I would think 'rod for your own back' if you insist on regular bed and bath times. Some children won't sleep unless it's in their own bed with blackout blinds etc because that's what they're used to. And can't get sleepy unless they've had their daily bath.

MIAonline · 24/07/2009 20:30

Agree with everyone that says you can't say anything, but as you said you just wanted to let off steam after a holiday with them.

I can sympathise, I am usually an each to their own, but if you are in close proximity with someone who is like this then it can be very demanding on everyone and does impact on other people. Even if the parents really can't see it.

willowstar · 24/07/2009 20:37

I am not a mum yet so god knows how I will end up...but i know exactly what you mean. My friend has been like this with her daughter and now she is 4 she is a nightmare. very clingy, attention seeking, sulky, but only when her mum is around. not sure if it is all connected though but it definitely used to drive me mad that lunch time was determined when the little girl said she wanted it etc...

but obviously you can't say anything, just think it to yourself.

imaynotbeperfectbutimokmummy · 24/07/2009 20:40

if it wasnt for the fact that my DD is 4 now, i would say you are talking about us. She is sat here now watching snow white, but you know what, she is quiet, she is happy - and i might even get a lie in!

Bumperslucious · 24/07/2009 20:41

It is annoying, especially if it affects you and your DC, but it's just a different style of parenting. If giving in is easier than tantrums then they are taking what they see as the easy route.

YAB a little bit unreasonable to judge them and assume that their way is wrong and feel like you know better. But we all like a good judging session so I'll let you off. I think privately I would feel the same.

preggersplayspop · 24/07/2009 20:43

I also hate the phrase rod for your own back!

I had certain ideas of how I would parent before I had my DS, but I am VERY different to how I imagined it. I am sure a lot of people would think I let him get away with too much because I give him choices about things that other friends just enforce.

My DS is extremely strong willed and I don't want to spend my whole day saying no, no, no and feeling like I am nagging him over things that are relatively trivial in the grand scheme of things. It's just going to wind us both up.

He's a lively, intelligent, kind little boy with lovely manners but yes, I do ask him if he wants a bath or not and if he doesn't want one I'm not going to waste my energy getting us both irate about it.

Everyone has different ways of bringing their children up and as long as you are happy with the choices you are making then that's what you should focus on.

Original poster
welshone51 · 24/07/2009 20:44

I am quite a relaxed person , I dont go by the book but just got annoyed with seeing my friends struggle with their child, come to think of it the majority of child caring is left to the mum and she always has to ask for her hubbie to do anything for the child maybe she does these things to have a easier time of it bless her.

OP posts:
Original poster
welshone51 · 24/07/2009 20:47

Oh and by the way my one year old is still up so I am not judging the bedtimes as such.

OP posts:
donkeyderby · 24/07/2009 23:19

Bedtime at midnight? That's a bit shit for you on your holiday isn't it? YANBU. I am never sure whether these 'modern parents' with their endless choices create selfish monsters, or whether they produce confident human beings. I wouldn't go on holiday with them that is for sure

katiestar · 25/07/2009 19:25

Can't see why sleeping midnight to midday is any worse than sleeping say 7.30 to 7.30 especially when on holiday.

barnsleybelle · 25/07/2009 19:47

When we are on holiday we have a totally relaxed approach to bedtime. We all have a 4.30-6pm snooze and then go to bed around 11.30-12 midnight, getting up late morning the next day. It suits us.
Wouldn't want it like that day to day at home though.

It's up to them however to do what suits them. Let them get on with it and if they get to a point where they need advice to change things offer it.

piscesmoon · 25/07/2009 20:08

I would agree with you, but you can't tell other people what to do. I always avoid holidays with people with irritating parenting styles.

Zalen · 28/07/2009 17:19

Just to add my two cents, this is basically how we parented DS1 but choices were along the lines of 'Do you want to go to bed now or in 5 minutes?' Choices between two definite things, not open ended 'Do you want to go to bed?' type things.

Anyway it hasn't done him any harm, he's 15 and fantastic (says doting mother ) but doting MIL agrees and so do her friends so I think we've got something right.

Doing the same now with DS2 aged 4, the hardest part is to enforce his choices. He'll try it on sometimes like when he gets to choose his bed time story then waits until the last page to say he's changed his mind and expect me to read another one. But that's OK, he's pushing against the boundaries and finding that there are indeed boundaries.

To get back to the OP, you may be right that they are setting themselves up for difficult times ahead, but that is their perogative and beyond being there for them if they ask for advice or just a sympathetic ear there's not much you can do about it.

When we're on holiday, especially if it's abroad we will let bed times slip, try to keep them to UK times in the hopes of a holiday lie-in. Sometimes it even works!

OtterInaSkoda · 28/07/2009 18:20

I am very relaxed generally. Even when ds was quite small I'd sometimes let him go out without a raincoat, reasoning that he'd get wet and that'd learn him
I do think however that it isn't always fair to ask little children to make too many choices. Maybe it's because I still get thrown making choices myself. It can take me an age to get around the supermarket, even with a list

OtterInaSkoda · 28/07/2009 18:21

YANBU btw - but keep quiet, unless asked

allaboutme · 28/07/2009 18:57

YABU, up to them how they parent their child.
It may annoy you, but why? Why does it matter to you if their child has a raincover on or not? It doesnt matter if she gets wet! She will dry off, its not hurting anyone.
Late bedtimes and lie ins sound lovely on a holiday too.

pseudoname · 28/07/2009 19:14

We visited friends who lived abroad and she spent the whole holiday being critical of our parenting. She didn't say much all week but she couldn't hide her disapproval much. On the last night she made some of her ideas quite clear to us and was really unprepared to hear that we did not want or need her 'advice' and then got sniffy of that. ho hum.

Needless to say, our friendship has never been the same.

MYOB.

notsoteenagemum · 28/07/2009 19:26

YANBU we have been away with a similar family for a holiday a couple of years ago except it wasn't a holiday because the whole time was spent pandering to the needs of the other couples children. They wouldn't go to bed until the adults did, they wouldn't sit down to eat or would demand that we ate in a particular place then not eat the food there, they made all the adults watch endless 'shows' and screamed if anyone dared to do anything else.
It was a nightmare and we have never been away with them again.
However you can't say anything because it is up to them, and also most people I know who parent this way seem unable to see how disruptive it can be for everybody else so even if you did they probably wouldn't give two hoots.

OtterInaSkoda · 29/07/2009 10:16

notso - I've had a similar experience however a few days into the holiday the dad realised that his dd was dictating what we all did and that as a result none of us (including his dd) was having much fun. I think it was a bit of a turning point for him.
Late bedtimes and lie ins are great (although not all dcs lie in just because they've gone to bed late!). Ratty, over-tired children running around until the grown-ups go to bed are not however.
I think its all about balance and having consideration for others. To me it seems desperately unfair not to help children to understand this.

Bigmouthstrikesagain · 29/07/2009 10:32

I also hate the phrase 'rod for your own back' immediately gives me the mental image of a woman Saying it with her hair in a severe bun, with sour face and cats bum mouth!

That prejudice aside. I think you are making assumptions on their behaviour on hols which may well be more 'relaxed' re their child as they are away from home environment.

I do stick to a bedtime routine strictlyish but on holiday we are less rigid, and give children more choices as we want them to be happy and are not under pressure to do anything or get anywhere.

While making judgements on other peoples parenting is natural, unless it is an issue that requires calling social services, keep out. I am afraid your opinion is unlikely to acheive change just piss people off! If they ask for your opinion then by all means give it.