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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be gutted not to be going to friend's wedding?

42 replies

Stigaloid · 23/07/2009 16:22

My friends are getting married this year in Autumn. They are a lovely couple whom i have known 5 years and DH at least 12. They came to our wedding and are having about 8 page boys and flowergirls at their wedding. It will be a wonderful event although it is a 6 hour drive away, so a bit of a slog. Anyway - it falls on the weekdn after our anniversary so thought we would make a long weekend of it. Booked ourselves into a junior suite at lovely country house hotel so DS could sleep in living area and we could have bedroom. Booked spa treatments (manicure and make up) for morning of as will be as big as a house as will be 7.5 months pregannt at time so wanting to look slightly attractive as opposed to heffer like. Only to be told 'no kids'. Now i completely respect the couple's decision to not have children - it is afterall their wedding. And i understand that them involving all their godchildren as page boys and flowergirls (there are 8 of them!) may be enough. We thought about it and thought - well why not DS and I attend the service and reception and leave at the sit down meal time. I can take DS back, arrange a babysitter and return for the evening dance. They said 'no way' no kids at all at any of it. Am so sad. The flowergirls and and boys are the same age as DS so there will be children his age there. We aren't asking for them to spend money on us for food or anything.

Anyway - looks like DH will have to go on his own, which means yet another weekend of me looking after DS on my own and as we have hit the terrible twos and i am knackered from pregnancy, isn't the eaiest of tasks.

I know they have every right to make any decision they wish for their big day. Am just absolutely gutted to be missing out on being there and sharing the day with them.

Hugs please.

OP posts:

myredcardigan · 23/07/2009 16:26

Firstly, it is their decision. However, it seems a strange decision considering they are having 8 other children there anyway.

If you cannot get a sitter then why not just decline the invitation? In these circumstances we just say, sorry, can't make it. Neither of us would go alone.

Sorry, not much help.

Morloth · 23/07/2009 16:27

If you can arrange a babysitter for part of the wedding why not just arrange one for the whole thing?

Momdeguerre · 23/07/2009 16:27

I suppose it is up to them to set the rules about kids but why don't you leave your DS with someone for the weekend since you seem to have it all planned?

proverbial · 23/07/2009 16:28

Can't you go on your own and DH stay with DS? Or is there no-one who would take DS for you?

Original poster

Stigaloid · 23/07/2009 16:32

My DH would really lvoe to be there and whilst I would like him home with me, i understand the desire to want to go as i want to go to.

I totally respect their decision and won't challenge it, just a little dishearten.

I was going to arrange a sitter through sitters.co.uk for the evening after i had put DS to bed. I don't think it would be fair to drag him 6 hours in a car and then leave him with a random stranger all day and be put to bed by them and then driven 6 hours back the next day. Doesn't seem like fun. If he had attended the wedding then he would be running around with his friends and had an experience.

sadly we have no one to leave DS with. My father is dead and so is MIL. DS is too much of ahandful for my mother to look after on her own all weekend (and she is a bit remote so they don't really have a relationship at the moment - he cries when he sees her ) and FIL is nearly deaf and although they get on very well he never did the child care with my DH and cant't hear when DS is crying so not an option.

Am just gutted.

They should have a 'Hugs' forum for people who just want a cup of tea, biscuit and a 'there, there'.

OP posts:

wasabipeas · 23/07/2009 16:33

can't DH go on his own for the service, while you do something with DS, then get a babysitter for the evening so you can enjoy the reception?
Seems a shame for DH to enjoy that lovely hotel on his own, and you can splash about in the spa with DS

Original poster

Stigaloid · 23/07/2009 16:33

Proverbial - they are friends through DH - he has known them over a decade so it is really his place to go to represent the family.

OP posts:

mumeeee · 23/07/2009 16:34

The only children at DD1's weding were her cousins and her now husbands cousins. It wasn't that they don't like children but because there just wasn't room at the venue.
But they made it clear on thier invitations who was invited. Everyone understood and were happy about that.
Would it be possible to get a baysitter for the weekend?

Original poster

Stigaloid · 23/07/2009 16:35

Oooh wasabipeas - like your thinking. Am just judging whether travelling 6 hours + in car with toddler and 7.5 months pregnant is worth the journey for an evening reception. Plus same journey back. We would cancel lovely hotel and DH would go to much cheaper hotel so would save us money not going. Think I am going to angle to use the saving on hotel to get a decent pair of shoes as an anniversary present......!

OP posts:

Original poster

Stigaloid · 23/07/2009 16:36

Off to collect DS from nursery and get my cuppa and digestive. Thanks for listening ladies x

OP posts:

wasabipeas · 23/07/2009 16:40

Make a weekend of it!
Have you got any friends/family on the way who you can stop off with for lunch/overnight?

jellybeans · 23/07/2009 16:44

I wouldn't go.

helips · 23/07/2009 16:49

I can sympathise totally. Dh's friend is getting married in December and the invite says no kids. I am due in November so will have a very small baby and no way would I leave him/her for a weekend (venue is 6 hour trip like yours!) Am gutted though as there will be friends there that I haven't seen for years and would be great to catch up. I keep trying to think up ways round it but to be honest I wish they would say in these circumstances to bring baby along. Could your dh not have another word with his friend? Say you'd really like to go and that your dc would only be there for the day not evening, worth one more shot,no?

(passes a cuppa, choccy biscuit and a there there )

ThingOne · 23/07/2009 16:49

I was going to suggest something along the line of wasabipeas.

FimbleHobbs · 23/07/2009 16:53

I sympathise, I would be gutted too.

I think wasabipeas' plan is excellent.

That, or quickly arrange a baptism for your DS, and ask the couple to be godparents - thus qualifying DS to be a page boy

sleepymommy · 23/07/2009 17:02

Do they know that you have no one to leave him with.Because if they do, then they are being unreasonable, because what's the point in inviting you knowing that you can't come?
But I bet they don't know, especially if they're child free. Tell them. It may put a whole new slant on things.

myredcardigan · 23/07/2009 17:12

Why don't you contact them and say neither of you can come as you have no-one to look after your DS and see what they say. They may change their minds. If not, then you can always contact them a few days later and say DH can now make it.

junglist1 · 23/07/2009 17:20

It's not child free if 8 kids are going. FFS

junglist1 · 23/07/2009 17:22

No actually, ACTUALLY, tell them if they don't want your children there you wont be going. Am I too oversensitive?

jellybeans · 23/07/2009 17:44

I agree with junglist.

junglist1 · 23/07/2009 17:46

Roses or Quality Street then

Arcadie · 23/07/2009 17:47

Have a hug Stig that's a rotten situation.

ZippysMum · 23/07/2009 17:48

There there Stigaloid.

Clayhead · 23/07/2009 17:49

When I was in a similar situation we just didn't go. It was so much hard work to arrange to go and, at the end of pregnancy, not worth it. No way would dh have gone on his own and left me with a toddler!

PracticalCat · 23/07/2009 18:22

We were in a very similar situation recently and I didn't want to leave DS with a stranger for the whole wedding. The plan was that I would stay with ds until 6, when the sitter was due and then I would join the reception, apart from returning to put him in bed at 8.

In the end, DS gatecrashed the ceremony and drinks (with some warning to the groom, who is a very good friend of DH). The happy couple barely noticed.

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