Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick of other people constantly trying to discipline/mannerise my son?

35 replies

grumblinalong · 21/07/2009 18:33

I know mannerise isn't a word btw, but it fits quite nicely with what I want to say

DS1 is nearly 6 (next week!) and is IMO a pretty well behaved and polite boy - he has his moments but he's generally very sensible and mature as school pointed out with a certificate last week.

This week I have encountered three female members of our family disciplining (sp?) him and/or jumping on him to say please/thank you/sorry etc without giving him or me a moment to think about/judge his behaviour. For example - he was handed a treat and as soon as it touched his hand two people said to him 'What do you say?' and he was just about to say thanks! He was also shouted at for jumping off a small wall, causing no harm to anyone.

One of my relatives is a primary school teacher, one a childminder and one a nurse so I don't know if they're just slipping into bossy work mode but it irks me that they don't give ME chance to tell him but they also reprimand him for things I consider minor. I have no problem with someone disciplining my child for something serious but would prefer it if they let me make the call. I have said this to them but they have all dismissed me on the lines of we're only trying to help. I try to not interfere with telling off other people's dc's as much as I can. So Am I BU or a bit pfb?

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 21/07/2009 18:36

YANBU - but these old dears women will never change, what ever you say to them!

MovingOutOfBlighty · 21/07/2009 18:37

If someone wants to 'mannerise' my DCs I say let them.

They seem to listen to other people more than me!

katiestar · 21/07/2009 19:14

YANBU.But I don't think they mean any harm

edam · 21/07/2009 19:16

YANBU but presumably ds will learn that his aunties are a bit batty.

mrsrawlinson · 21/07/2009 19:18

To pick somebody else's children up on their manners is as rude as picking the parents up IMO. I'd be mortified if someone thought that the manners I've taught my DCs were so lax that the onus fell upon THEM to intervene. You are absolutely NBU.

corriefan · 21/07/2009 19:18

With those jobs I'd say they are just bossy and as they are relatives they like getting involved and feel they can. I'm a teacher and I think it makes you become hyper-aware of everything kids do!

RumourOfAHurricane · 21/07/2009 19:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

piscesmoon · 21/07/2009 19:25

It isn't going to traumatise him for life!

juuule · 21/07/2009 19:30

Wouldn't worry about it. They're probably just making conversation and it's unlikely to harm him.

As for the wall, whose wall was it? I don't let mine walk along people's garden walls.

southeastastra · 21/07/2009 19:31

my dad tends to do that to my son too. especially when he's playing with my neice who is a year younger. really annoys the hell out of me.

Silver1 · 22/07/2009 23:43

I agree it's rude-and just because they feel they can interfere with your parenting because their jobs make them Hyper Aware it doesn't make it right! He is your son and by doing this they are implying that you are not raising him well.

Pikelit · 23/07/2009 01:22

I can only report the response that ds2 (then 3) made after a day of being "mannerised":

"Grandad, you can't keep telling me stop that now things because I am not YOUR person".

All this "telling me stop that" irritated me too but it didn't actually have much impact on the dcs and seemed to keep the grandparents occupied.

weblette · 23/07/2009 09:32

YANBU

I've had to ask my parents and sister to stop doing exactly the same.

minxofmancunia · 23/07/2009 09:46

YANBU, I have a friend who gives dd a look and jumps in there v unneccessarily IMO. She's a teacher, feel like saying "give it a rest you're not at work now love!"

It's rude and undermining for you, your dc, your call.

TheChilliMooseNeedsaDiary · 23/07/2009 09:52

YANBU. I got very cross with my mum at the weekend when she called DS a bad boy.

Mumcentreplus · 23/07/2009 09:54

I think it depends..you may perhaps also be hypersensitive yourself to the fact they try to correct your child at times I don't like it much...but thats life..so long as it's not completely unfair I couldn't care less they are his family after all would you prefer they didn't correct him at all and if so speak up! ...children will be corrected in life by other people/authority so they best get used to it imo..lol

exrebel · 23/07/2009 10:03

YANBU and I get very annoyed too.

It is difficult to say something without sounding unreasonable to those doing the reprimanding.

But it happens so often and it's not going to stop. There are plenty of people around who do that and they are not aware they are interfering at all!!

I don't know what the solution is other than try to ignore it but say something if they go too far.

crockydoodle · 23/07/2009 10:08

Last week in Tesco a complete stranger came up to me and said "Your daughter needs to learn some manners." and walked off.
Apparently when I was engrossed in trying to work out the price of something she had told this man that he was a very fat man.
She's only 4 fgs. She knows please, thankyou, excuse me, etc but hasn't yet learnt that you don't comment on people's appearance unless it is to compliment them.
I was so annoyed at this man.

wasabipeas · 23/07/2009 10:10

Can I play devils advocate and suggest that if 3 separate people need to pull him up on his manners, he isn't as polite as you might think?
I have no problem with people teaching/reminding my DCs their manners. The more people do it, the more it 'normalises' being well behaved, rather than seeing it as something mum is always nagging them about

JemL · 23/07/2009 10:35

I'm always happy to let other people discipline DS, I'm sick of the sound of my own voice repeatedly saying the same things!

I do think relatives tend to pick up on things you would let slide - eg at my mums, she will tell DS not to climb on the garden table, whilst I will just ignore it, but hey, it's her table!

I would only have an issue if the way in which they were doing it was extreme - ie SHOUTING for minor transgressions, or being unecessarily cruel (there are some people that can't just say, don't do that please, they have to turn it into a character assasination of a small child!)

spiralqueen · 23/07/2009 15:38

Wasabipeas may have a point. If the people telling him are family do they pick up other children in the family on their lack of manners too?

Perhaps what you see as disciplining/jumping on him they see as a gentle reminder? It's so easy to be hypersensitive about how other people view your parenting.

SJisontheway · 23/07/2009 16:01

I hate when people presume the worst - "what do you say" before child has a chance to say thank you. But adults can be treated like this too. At least I was recently when an elderly woman stood back to let me pass with DD in her SN buggy. I was grateful, and would of course have thanked her, but before I had even gone by she hissed at me "well don't say thank you then". Was quite shocked, but felt it was quite sad that she immediately presumed the worst.

roneef · 23/07/2009 16:18

Crockydoodle

I actually think you need to teach your daughters some manners aswell.

4 is old enough to know better.

Kids are sometimes a bit rude - that's when parents correct them.

For you to be annoyed with this man is unbelievable.

Stigaloid · 23/07/2009 16:28

YANBU - they seem to be reacting in parrot fashion in terms of demanding thanks rather than actually waiting to see what happens. Your DC sounds lovely and hope he has a happy birthday. (Don't invite old crones and just send thank you letters to them instead )

FimbleHobbs · 23/07/2009 16:46

I would find it annoying if my DC hadn't had a chance to say thank you (or whatever)and someone nagged them.

However, if they do forget to say thank you after a suitable pause, I don't mind people reminding them at all, in fact I like someone else reinforcing what I aim to teach them.