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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to stop doing things for my 4yo?

71 replies

FlamingoOfTheShineyCult · 21/07/2009 09:47

Very capable 4yo refuses to help with housework because she says it's too much for her. It's not, because she does it if it's something novel. I don't have a problem with her not contributing except that I (and the others) are then contributing more than our fair share as I see it.

So AIBU to stop doing her laundry until she does her bit by putting her clean clothes away (just so she understands how much work I actually do, you undestand) like her 6yo and 2yo sisters do? AIBU to stop making her drinks and getting her cereal until she helps with clearing the table? AIBU to put her toys 'away' in a big bin sack in the loft whenever I have to tidy them away without her help?

If IABU and someone can give me good reason, and/or another option, then I would be very grateful. But at the moment I am feeling very put upon and very much like a slave to DD2 when DD1 and DD3 both do lots to help willingly (DD4 is 10m so I'll let her off ).

OP posts:

MovingOutOfBlighty · 21/07/2009 22:08

Well put chegirl. I sometimes have a horrible feeling that kids are expected to do so little and be 'little emporers' that it is no wonder this bites us on the arse at times.
Really dont see any harm in teaching skills like helping, within reason, to young children.
Its not like you are making them clean out the shed or something. its putting away things that they have made messy. And 4 is not too young to start. my dd has been at school now for almost a year as she is young in her class and what Flamingo is asking her dd to do is not even half of the tidying up she has to do in day to day at school.

mumeeee · 21/07/2009 22:18

Flamingo Yes a family is a team and children should be encoraged to help. But you are expecting far to much of small children. I would not expect a 4 year old to put her clean clothes awy. A 4 year old is probably capable of helping tidy but you should be helping her to do it. The 3 and 4 year olds at a nursery do help tidy when it's tidy up time but all the staf join in and make it a team thing.

PortBlacksandResident · 21/07/2009 22:39

YABU

Mon13 · 21/07/2009 22:59

I'm all for getting children to help - with the emphasis on helping, not being told to go and do things by themselves.
My two year old helps empty the entire dishwasher, helps with sweeping, hoovering, putting washing up, putting shopping away, cooking etc. all together with me. If I ask her to tidy up her toys by herself she is far too busy doing something else. If we tidy the toys together she is very eager to help! Ok, so she's 2 but I don't think being 4 is so different.

As for appreciating all the work you do for her, forget it. She's 4! If you stop doing things for her she will just conclude that you no longer love her.
Besides, I have barely started appreciating how much my own mother did for me and my siblings (I am one of four), and I am in my mid 30s....

Othersideofthechannel · 22/07/2009 07:27

4 seems to be an age where children sometimes want to be 'big' and sometimes want to be babied.
It seems a bit rigid expecting a 4 yr old to consistently do what she is capable of.

gingernutlover · 22/07/2009 08:12

YANBU to expect her to do basic chores, epsecially ones that are with her stuff

my 3 year old can put her toys away, put her laundry away, make a sandwich, load the washing machine and various other things.

I am lucky in that she seems to aspire to be me LOL so she seems to enjoy doing these things but as a minimum I would ask her to put her own things away and tidy up her own mess.

You probably ABU to stop doing her washing and stop getting her drinks etc, because she probably wont link the punishment to the crime so to speak. I tend to give my dd choices rather than threats, e.g. you need to put your pens away then we can play somthign else, you need to put your plate in the sink so that you can watch charlie and lola in the front room

I was like her when i was little, always helped out for the fun of it but my brother never lifted a finger and never has, he would still be living at home and having everything done for him had my parents not divorced 3 years a go (he is now 27)

Bigpants1 · 24/07/2009 00:18

Taking your plate and cup to the kitchen is fine,but sorting her clothes-shes 4-it doesnt matter if shes capabale-shes 4.
IM.O she doesnt need to be doing lots of chores, or seeing how much work you do.Neither does she need to understand "how much extra work her prescence makes".With respect, it was your decision to have dc-4 very close together, and dc=work and chores. That doesnt mean dc shouldnt help out, but it should be age appropriate and not done cos "you cause mummy extra work".It is a family you live in, not a commune.
Why not punish her by dressing her in sackcloth and then train your 2yr old to peel the potatoes so you can kick back and take a rest from all the chores your dc create.

Lifeinagoldfishbowl · 25/07/2009 20:47

So how's it going Flamingo?

Lifeinagoldfishbowl · 29/07/2009 09:37

bump

flaminhell · 29/07/2009 09:58

what? YABU infact I am a task master, I dont take any messing from my 2, but my Lord, cut a 4 year old a little slack, I would if you insist on pursuing this, make a chart of what her jobs are, picking up toys putting her dirty cloths in the basket, and making her bed, thats plenty.

Refusing to wash her cloths is pathetic, you are refusing to do one of the one things she can not do for herself, thats bullying imo, refuse to make her bed or pick up her toys, but wash her cloths, pathetic.

anniemac · 29/07/2009 10:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

earlyonemorning · 29/07/2009 12:39

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for personal reasons.

diffnametoday · 29/07/2009 12:48

Nothing wrong with asking the children to help with small tasks as you suggest but you are being totally ridiculous to suggest that you stop doing her laundry or providing her with food! Sticker charts would be much better!!

noddyholder · 29/07/2009 12:50

let her be a child fgs

diffnametoday · 29/07/2009 12:50

Sorry, just wanted to check that she is 4 years old, not 14! She is a tiny child not a willful teenager!

mrsjammi · 29/07/2009 13:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

noddyholder · 29/07/2009 13:04

You did ask if you are being unreasonable though.And you are and tbh a bit neglectful if you really plan to take this as extreme as her nutrition! take your frustrations out on the teenagers they need to learn fast!but not a 4 yr old

OurLadyOfPerpetualSupper · 29/07/2009 13:13

I agree it's U to withdraw the basics of her care if she doesn't knuckle down - she didn't ask to be born, causing you all this extra work.

But you could do worse than look at Flylady - mine are too old to fall for any of this, but afair it involves a House Fairy who leaves little treats in the morning when the jobs have been done.

Could be a personal note from her, not necessarily anything that costs money or involves sugar!

thedolly · 29/07/2009 13:14

You could mix it up a bit so that the older two are helping each other. For one week the eldest could put the clothes away for both of them and the 4 year old could bring both their plates to the kitchen after meals. The next week the roles could be reversed. It could work .

Find a way to make it work that doesn't result in punishment - it will be better all round.

franklymydear · 29/07/2009 13:22

Of course a 4 year old should help out. The type of things my 4 year old does is

clears plate and cup from table
tidies living room with older siblings
puts away own clothes from neatly folded stack (and takes them upstairs first)
puts shoes away
helps bake and wash up

if she refuses and does the I'm tired she gets a so are we it still needs doing

good for you OP re teamwork and part of the family and for accepting that the refusing to do her laundry would be a step too far.

all the people saying they're children and too young and let kids be kids I think shame kids are part of the family and the family pulls together - each gives as they can and each takes as they need - they're not precious little puppets that you keep to show off - you do the best by your children if you teach them to accept some things as normal part of life so they don't object when suddenly they turn teens and are expected to help out but don't see why

jumpingbeans · 29/07/2009 13:24

this is a joke, please tell me this is a joke.

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