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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to stop doing things for my 4yo?

71 replies

FlamingoOfTheShineyCult · 21/07/2009 09:47

Very capable 4yo refuses to help with housework because she says it's too much for her. It's not, because she does it if it's something novel. I don't have a problem with her not contributing except that I (and the others) are then contributing more than our fair share as I see it.

So AIBU to stop doing her laundry until she does her bit by putting her clean clothes away (just so she understands how much work I actually do, you undestand) like her 6yo and 2yo sisters do? AIBU to stop making her drinks and getting her cereal until she helps with clearing the table? AIBU to put her toys 'away' in a big bin sack in the loft whenever I have to tidy them away without her help?

If IABU and someone can give me good reason, and/or another option, then I would be very grateful. But at the moment I am feeling very put upon and very much like a slave to DD2 when DD1 and DD3 both do lots to help willingly (DD4 is 10m so I'll let her off ).

OP posts:
titchy · 21/07/2009 10:47

Agree that you're right to get dcs to do (age appropriate) chores. However I dont think a 4 year old is ever going to either understand or appreciate the housework that you have to do. They simply haven't got the level of maturity to think like that - lol most teenagers haven;t got it either!

Punishments such as not doing her washing isn't really a punishment is it - surely she'lll just find something dirty to wear. Most kids couldn't care less about whether their clothes are laundered and ironed or not. If she were a teenager for whom appearance is the be all and end all then that's appropriate, but not at 4! Likewise drinks and cereal - yes she could get them herself I'm sure if you didn't. But would she? I have a nearly 9 year old who could probably last all day without a drink. I also have a nearly 11 year old who would happily skip breakfast too. So again this isn't really an age appropriate punishment.

Toys away in the big sack in the loft though - yep go for it. It's on her wavelength, will not have any repercussions for her health and well-being and will direcly affect her level of contentedness.

lemonmuffin · 21/07/2009 10:55

Thats a good post lifeinagoldfishbowl, I'm going to try some of those tips, dd is allergic to tidying up at the moment.

girlsyearapart · 21/07/2009 11:05

Definitely would strongly encourage her to put things away eg dirty clothes in a wash basket, put toys away bring cups etc to kitchen.
Wouldn't withold drinks etc though taking it a bit too far. Better to start young with helping around the house. With four dds you need all the team work you can muster! ps-lucky you 4 dds that's exactly what I want., Have 2 at the mo.

FimbleHobbs · 21/07/2009 11:20

My 4 year old is very hit and miss with his tiyding - some days he is great and others he is v uncooperative. I think he will grow into it - he gets praise when hes done well, but I try not to turn the bad days into battle days.

I don't think 4 is old enough to realise how much parents do, or to appreciate it. Sadly by the time they're old enough to appreciate it they're also old enough to declare 'its your own fault for having children, I didn't ask to be born you know'....

Toys in the sack wouldn't work for my 4 year old, as he has so many toys, and a lot are shared with his sister, so wouldn't be fair to her to put them away, but if your DD's are separately owned and she would mind if they weren't there, then I think that is fair enough.

Do you think she might genuinely be a bit overwhelmed with the whole growing up business and this is her way of showing it? Getting ready to start school/ being an even bigger big sister now that baby is more active/ that sort of thing?

mumeeee · 21/07/2009 12:59

YABU. Yes a 4 year old is capable of helping with somethings. But she is still very young I wouldn't expect a 4 year old to be doing that much.

MoonchildNo6 · 21/07/2009 15:18

Hmmm difficult one. I don't think it's too much to ask her to help if she is capable (and special congratulations on getting a 2yo to do it!) but not sure about the punishment re washing as I am not sure they really appreciate clean clothes however, I do get my 5yo DS to tidy his toys and if he says no, I say well I will do it but I am going to do a clear out at the same time and throw away all the toys I think you don't play with anymore - it soon gets them moving!

i have also tried reward charts and they have worked for us.

2rebecca · 21/07/2009 15:20

Is this a wind up? The kid is 4 not 14!

bronze · 21/07/2009 15:26

I agree its a four year old thing. My 6 year old will help as will my 2 year old but trying to get the 4 year old to help is so difficult

Overmydeadbody · 21/07/2009 15:27

YANBU to want her to do her fair share and help out around the house.

However, I think you Would be being unreasonable if you stopped doing things for her as a punishment.

You need to encourage her more, not punish her, or motivate her to do it.

She is testing you to see if she can get away with not doing it. Don't let her, just keep insisiting calmly that she do whatever you have asked, until she gets bored of your repetition and just does it to get you off her back.

#This tactic works for my DS. I may sound like a broken record (no shouting, just a calm repetative voice) but it works.

SweetnessAndShite · 21/07/2009 15:30

I am just chuckling over the image in my head of my 4yo (DS not DD) thinking it fantastic that Mummy had stopped washing his clothes, nothing was clean and he had the perfect excuse to parade around in the nud!

LilyBolero · 21/07/2009 15:31

I think you are being a little bit unreasonable - 4 yo is old enough to help, but I think they need small targets.

Overmydeadbody · 21/07/2009 16:50

What you need to do is make sure she puts her clothes away and clears the table and tidies her toys away, by not lewtting her do anything else until those jobs are done, rather than stopping doing things for her. She's far more likely to do what you ask her eventually if she knows you will not tolerate no for an answer and she will not be able to do anything else until she has doen what you asked her. It will probably have faster results (although more effort for you) in the long run than you not cleaning her clothes or not getting her drinks and food.

LuvLee · 21/07/2009 17:49

Crikey, sounds a bit harsh! I think at age 4 tidying up is a bit of a novelty, and I personally wouldn't give my 4 year old specific chores to do. She has a habit of leaving her pens out when she's colouring, and I make it clear that she needs to put them away before moving onto a another activity. I suppose the "punishment" in this example is that I wouldn't allow her to move on to a different activity.

I think YABU.

ThingOne · 21/07/2009 17:56

I have two boys (5.6, 3.2). They wouldn't notice if I stopped doing the laundry.

imaynotbeperfectbutimokmummy · 21/07/2009 18:25

She is 4 not 14!!!

WhereYouLeftIt · 21/07/2009 19:00

YANBU to expect DD2 to carry out the type of minor chore you spoke of. But, as titchy said she is not yet capable of appreciating how much work you do so I don't believe not doing her laundry etc. would mean anything to her. You can't let her get away with it though because DDs 1&3 will (rightly) feel a bit resentful if you do. Overmydeadbody's suggestion looks like a really good one to me - I sometimes use the "No TV or playing until your homework is completed" variation of this.

Congratulations on having the good sense to start chores nice and early, I wish I had done so, I'd have considerably fewer arguments with my lazy toad DS if I had been that sensible.

MovingOutOfBlighty · 21/07/2009 19:11

There was a very sad advert on at the cinema the other day along the lines of 'This poor girl in India is only 5 years old. She has to cook for her family, (showed picture of chopping stuff with sharp knife) look after her little brother, fetch water from well. Just £5 a week could make a difference etc.'

All I could think is how lucky my Dd is, who is the same age. That is when I became firmer about doing little chores (like tidying up). She is definitely better at doing them now, but having seen that advert it made me realise I was possibly on the road to becoming one of those people who does everything for their 19year old!
I do think a 4 year old is able to help with the things you are asking her to.
I really liked the suggestion of putting music on to do work to!

AprilMeadow · 21/07/2009 19:22

My ds is 4 and will do a very small amount of tidying when asked but if i turn it into something fun or 'teamwork' then i get much more out of him.

I hate having to tidy up the playroom after ds (4)& dd (2) have completely trashed it, i can shout at them til i am blue in the face to tidy up and they just ignore me or tell me they are too tired. Sooo, i pretend to help when really i am just getting them to pass the items to me to put in the boxes - its a win win situation for me They do all the picking up but think that i am helping.

chegirl · 21/07/2009 19:27

YADNU to expect her to do her share and what is asked of her.

However,you are going to be seriously disapointed if you think she will EVER appreciate the things you do!

She is trying it on isnt she? Oh I am tired, its boring etc.

Most kids are eternal optimists and they really think that one day we will say 'oh darling of course you dont have to pick up your pants if you are tired. I have changed my mind, I am going to do everything for you from now on. I am so sorry for being so mean and making you work so hard all these years'

My 15 year old is still at it! Mind you he does do his own laundry (I am not touching it ewwww).

Othersideofthechannel · 21/07/2009 20:08

I do things for my children when they are too tired. And they do things for me when I am too tired.

But if I think that it is fake tiredness, I'll just leave the shoes in the hallway or whatever until they have got over their fake tiredness.

As she is 4, she might be able to come up with her own ideas for helping you around the house that you could consider as alternatives to the contributions you have chosen.

Othersideofthechannel · 21/07/2009 20:09

I should clarify, the shoes are supposed to go in the cupboard!

Original poster
FlamingoOfTheShineyCult · 21/07/2009 20:40

Hello!

Sorry for not responding. I've been out.

I am actually really at the 'she's 4 not 14' responses. A family is a team, isn't it? Shouldn't everyone contribute what they're able to? I can't believe some people really don't expect their children to learn about contributing to the running of a household when they're young. They benefit from helping - it's all about living co-operatively IMO.

Anyway, there are some useful tips amongst all those responses. I do think IABU to not do her laundry, but I will shove all her clean clothes in a big bag and she can either go and get them from there and spend ages finding what she wants, or she can put them away so it's easier for her to find things. Then it's up to her.

OP posts:
DesperateHousewifeToo · 21/07/2009 21:07

Dd when she was 3, went through a phase of saying that she could not tidy x away because her ''bottom was too tired''

Or she would announce in a dramatic way ''but I'm tooooo tired'' and then flounce up to her bedroom and sit in bed for a while, then re-appear.

Since starting nursery (and 4yrs), she has become quite good at doing as I ask. Generally, my 2 dcs only have to put their coats and shoes in the right place, make an attempt to tidy (I'll usually help/finish off) and put plates, cups, etc in the kitchen when asked. They do not have to put laundry away, only dirty stuff in the basket.

Now, if I could train Dh to do the same.........

DebiNewberry · 21/07/2009 21:13

bloody hell. YABU.

don't you get a lot of help from your wider family already? seems that you are expecting an unreasonable amount of input from your very small children.

chegirl · 21/07/2009 21:18

Its shouldnt be about help though. Its about teaching children the skills they need.

My mum never did this. She didnt show us how to do things around the house or teach us that we should help. Then when I was around 12 she rounded on me, calling me selfish and lazy and went on about how tired and worn out she was. She used to make me feel terribly guilty but very confused. I had no clue about all that stuff.

I vowed never to do that to my kids. They are expected to join in from as soon as they can understand the basics. My eldest still moans but he can do lots of things very well. I can cope without the input of my children, I dont need them to help. They are not young carers. I want them to understand how things work and the importance of doing their bit.