Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not to ring this woman back.

27 replies

maria1665 · 18/07/2009 15:38

DS (aged 11) and another boy have been together through school, although boy has bullied DS and other children throughout.

His mum is a friend of mine, though things are pretty tense re relationship between our sons. This year, DS has succeeded in making three firm friends and I am taking all four to cinema as a belated birthday treat. 'Other boy' not invited, (at DS' request) though I have always invited him in the past to birthday do's etc. DS did go to his party earlier this year.

Other boy's mum rang me last night irate that her son had not been invited, saying I had left him devastated. She then got son to ring up to ask why he had not been invited. (She's a headmistress!)

I was completely taken aback and mumbled something about not wanting to upset anyone, and I would speak to DS.

Now I am just really cross at her behaviour, and I don't feel under any obligation to ring her, or have anything more to do with her.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
hayley2u · 18/07/2009 15:41

just tell her if she phones you, exactly what is going on, and then maybe she may see it in a differnt light, is she aware of the situation. she prob thinking it a blow to her . i dont think your unreasonable

Mamazon · 18/07/2009 15:41

id be furious if a mum got her child to do that to me.
that awful. its emotiponal blackmail at its worst.

I would phone her back and tell her precisely why her son wasn't invited. try and stay calm and explain that its not an entire class thing so he hasn't been left out, but that instead he wanted only a couple of close friends to attend.

if she is still being a cow tell her straight that actually her son is a bully and you dont want him there.

HarrySaundersSphincter · 18/07/2009 15:42

YANBU - she is bullying you like her son bullies yours.

Erm - why are you friends with her exactly??

Original poster
maria1665 · 18/07/2009 15:46

It is bullying, isn't it.

Apart from where our sons' relationship is concerned, she and I get on splendidly. Or at least we did. This has all got a bit toxic.

OP posts:
KIMItheThreadSlayer · 18/07/2009 15:49

YANBU tell her her son is a little shit and a bully and no one wants him there.

That should also get rid of her

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 18/07/2009 15:50

She sounds awful. She has probably convinced herself that her son can't be that bad as long as he is accepted socially. Him being excluded from things will perhaps being giving her an unpleasant reality check. Sounds like she has taught him everything he knows though!

Stand up for yourself and DS, and tell her he isn't invited and why.

VaginaShmergina · 18/07/2009 15:52

She has shown her true colours and now maybe that explains the sons behaviour !!!

Bout time she heard the whole truth and was removed from your Christmas Card list !

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 18/07/2009 15:55

YANBU

It all is down to do you want to keep a friendship with her and try to sort things out with the boys.

If you don't, don't ring her.

If you do, ring her and tell her the truth but be prepared for her to go nuclear.

TheCrackFox · 18/07/2009 15:59

Sounds like the boy takes after his mother.

If she is a really good friend then ring her. Try to explain truthfully, but tactfully, the lack of an invite. She won't like what you have to say but it might do her son some good.

If you aren't that bothered by her friendship then don't bother ringing her back.

cornsillk · 18/07/2009 16:05

Were they 'best friends' prior to this or just in the same gang of friends?

MummyDragon · 18/07/2009 16:31

I agree with Mamazon. (Spendid name!). This woman sounds horrible - and she's a headmistress so she really ought to know better. Don't phone her.

TsarChasm · 18/07/2009 16:40

Absolutely agree with everyone. She sounds appalling.

You're going to have to say the words by the looks of things. I'd be unhappy with the inevitable 'confrontation' because I do hate being pushed into a corner, but you are being pushed here.

You'll have to be strong by the sounds of it. She sounds quite formidable.

Original poster
maria1665 · 18/07/2009 17:31

Other boy sees DS as his best friend, because he only has one other friend.

The fact of my friendship with mum has prolonged the agony for DS, no doubt about it. That's my cock up. But I think we have all been waiting for other boy to calm down and improve - he hasn't.

I spoke to her in May saying that I didn't care whether her son was beating up other kids - it was the fact that he was hitting MY kid that I had a major problem with, especially when he would then claim to be DS's best friend. (I always knew when there would be a bad incident, because DS would come home with collectable toys other the boy had given him, presumably in an attempt to make amends.)

Again she agreed entirely, saying that son did the same to his little sister, to the point of leaving her concussed once, and she would speak to him. But no improvement in behaviour, and now here we are.

Thanks for all the comments. Alibaba has got it spot on I think - him being socially excluded for his behaviour makes the whole situation much more serious from her point of you- hence the phone calls last night.

I don't think I am going to ring her - I'm still pissed off - with her and with me for letting it get to this point. Six weeks holiday and a probable dose of swine flu will hopefully mean a fresh start at a new school for everyone.

As for the friendship - it just won't work with the two boys. Its been the elephant in the room throughout.

OP posts:
CarGirl · 18/07/2009 17:38

If you do decide to speak to her you can say truthfully say that your ds's best friends are x, y, z and that is who he wanted at his birthday treat.

Perhaps you can ring and leave an answerphone message!

paisleyleaf · 18/07/2009 17:39

yanbu

It sounds an unhealthy relationship for your DS, and he's lucky to have nice friends inspite of perhaps being associated with a lad who is beating up other kids.
It's a shame that his moving away from the boy will probably affect your own friendship - but so be it, I think.

Sounds like he, and she, are used to getting what they want.

sweetfall · 18/07/2009 17:45

I'd be cross.

But are you sure that 'she got her ds to ring' - he's 11 so surely he did it off his own back.

I'd phone her to be honest, I'd say "I'm sorry but DS has decided who he wants for his birthday and these are the people he has chosen. I think it's probably just the ongoing physical violence and bullying issues that you are more than aware of and you can't blame an 11 year old for choosing to invite people who don't hurt him. I completely support him and I'm sorry your DS is upset but maybe you should use it to bolster your actions have consequences talk"

Original poster
maria1665 · 18/07/2009 18:19

Oh yes - I could hear her voice in the background.

Trouble is - the other boy can be a really sweet kid, but is really emotional, and this then manifests itself as violence. The other kids walk around on egg shells trying not to offend him.

But no - it is not my problem any more. (Maria draws line in the sand.)

OP posts:
cornsillk · 18/07/2009 18:51

I can understand why he and his mum are upset about him not being invited if he views ds as his best friend. She was way out of order to phone you though.

Shintz · 18/07/2009 18:59

There is a theory that suggests that our kids enact our 'private' feelings/ emotions.

How exactly did you befriend this woman and why? Once you have the answer to this riddle you will be able to decide for yourself wether or not to continue with your friendship. Good luck.

simplesusan · 18/07/2009 19:20

YANBU but she is.

Hope all goes well for you and your son.
Agree with the other posters, I don't think I would ring her but if you do happen to speak to her say that under the circumstances your ds wanted to invite the other kids and doesn't feel that he is as good a friend with her ds now.

Longtalljosie · 18/07/2009 19:20

It sounds like this boy has major anger management / emotional problems. He left his sister concussed?!

Frankly, this sounds like an excellent opportunity for his mother to teach him a valuable life lesson - that he can't force friendship, and that if he is violent, he will alienate people.

What a pity she's neglected to do so, and is putting the blame on everyone else...

echt · 18/07/2009 20:17

I'd say what sweetfall suggests, but without using the word "sorry" at all. You've done nothing to apologise for.

QOD · 18/07/2009 20:29

been there got the tshirt
awful isnt it
BE STRONG!
x

katiestar · 18/07/2009 20:48

Can't help feeling a teensy bit sorry for the boy.He is probably a bit tense about going up to secondary ,and to find his one and only friend has ditched him for new friends 6 weeks before must be very unsettling.

chegirl · 18/07/2009 21:01

I dont blame you for not wanting to ring. I am like that I dont like the hassle.

TBH I think it would probably be better if you did. It may help to bring this difficult situation to a close. It might drag on otherwise.

She is aware her son is violent.

If you can bring yourself to talk to her just say 'I understand your DS has difficulties but you are aware he has been violent towards my DS on several occcassions. I am sure you can understand that I cannot allow this to continue. I hope that you manage to find a way of helping him with his problems as they are clearly affecting his ability to maintain friendships. Good luck'

I would like to think I would manage that but not convinced I would.

Swipe left for the next trending thread