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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fed up that every thread that mentions controlled crying turns aggro?

91 replies

tinierclanger · 17/07/2009 13:13

I know we're not meant to do threads about threads but it's a recurring theme. Every time it crops up, people get nasty with each other.

Now, I have considered CC and decided not to do it for my own reasons. I think it's great that people post information and their opinion on whether its good/bad/helpful/unhelpful. And that can help people make their decisions about it, and also to adjust their expectations (which has helped me a lot).

But a lot of the time, people posting on the sleep threads are desperate. If they have tried other things and just can't cope, it's harsh to attack them and make them feel guilty. Sleep deprivation sends you crazy. I would rather a parent did CC than ended up harming themselves or their baby because they are just SO TIRED.

OP posts:
girlsyearapart · 17/07/2009 20:16

She was waking only to be cuddled not for milk or any other reason. It was a habit she had got into whilst we were on holiday and didn't want to disturb others sleeping in the house. Going to cuddle her every time she cried/having her sleeping in with me was not giving me any rest sleep or sanity. It was a last resort which worked. She is now 22mo and has slept all night every night since we finished the cc at 7mo unless she has been poorly.

blueshoes · 17/07/2009 20:37

Mummydragon, "In the last 4 years she and her husband have not spent a whole night uninterrupted in their own bed as the kids keep waking them, and their oldest kids (aged 10 and 6) are regularly still not in bed at 10.30 p.m. on a school night. None of the kids spend an entire night in their own bed. Ever. SIL and her husband are permanently exhausted, both suffer from terrible stress & associated health problems. I cannot emphasize how knackered they both are."

I accept that is your SIL's experience but that is by no means representative of the experience of people who wait for their dcs to self-settle.

BertieBotts · 17/07/2009 20:41

I do slightly resent the implication earlier that everyone who is anti-CC has tried it and done it wrong. Some of us just don't want to leave our babies to cry at all, full stop.

StarlightMcKenzie · 17/07/2009 20:51

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Mintyy · 17/07/2009 20:53

The trouble is, as others have said further down, that the experience of being awoken in the night by a crying baby is different for different people. If my dc had cried once in the night after say, 6 months, had a quick feed and a cuddle and then gone back to sleep, then that would have been absolutely fine by me.

But some babies never seem to have lost or never learned the ability to get into a proper sleep cycle and sleep for a good long stretch without crying out.

In my view cc is kinder to the baby because you are saving him/her from months and years of restless, disturbed sleep. But other people just see it as cruel.

And being told you are being cruel to your baby is just about the most offensive/emotive thing you can hear.

Hence the upset...

StarlightMcKenzie · 17/07/2009 20:54

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blueshoes · 17/07/2009 21:20

Agree with starlight.

CC is the prevalent view in the popular press (Gina Ford, Baby Whisperer's PUPD, baby magazines etc) and is almost always presented as the only solution, with variation only in the way the CC is carried out.

It is refreshing for me to read that babies failing to sleep/self-settle etc is normal and enlightening to know that there are solutions eg co-sleeping that don't involve crying which have worked for lots of other mothers that I don't otherwise get to learn about.

DaddyJ · 17/07/2009 21:38

oh sorry, I see now what you mean
hadn't spot that thread earlier

yeah, it's MN, innit
plus ca change

wait until I start my sleeptraining thread -
dd2 has just turned 4 months

hairymelons · 17/07/2009 22:18

It's not the message, it's the delivery that's the problem. It is really refreshing and reassuring to hear that CC isn't the only way to go with sleep problems. I really didn't want to do it and with the information I've gleaned from MN I most probably won't.
I don't think anyone has issue with the debate, it's the presentation of the argument that is questionable at times. We all vilify doctors, MWs and HVs when they are anything less than tactful- why can't we have the same approach here? Give the information/ advice/ experience or whatever then step back and let people make their own minds up.

StarlightMcKenzie · 17/07/2009 22:45

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MummyDragon · 18/07/2009 15:49

I think the problem (as per the OP) arises when you get a mum/dad who posts on MN asking for help because they are exhausted, stressed, struggling with a baby/toddler and absolutely desperate to find a way to deal with the sleep problem / breastfeeding problem / weaning / whatever problem it may be. They are then set upon by MNetters who berate them for asking a question about a particular method of child-rearing, or feeding, when all the poor s*ds were doing was asking for help. I agree with Starlight that people shouldn't tiptoe around on here, but equally there is no need to be deliberately inflammatory and rude when it is quite clear from an OP that they are really struggling with something. It's just plain cruel.

Tbh, those of you other lovely MNetters who manage to co-sleep or use other methods to deal with non-sleeping kids instead of resorting to controlled crying - well, I salute you. I just cannot function without sleep, and when my kids are ill and sleep in bed with me I am useless the next day. How do you manage to sleep with wriggly, snoring, kicking kids in bed with you? Do you have gigantic beds? Or pehaps it's me who has the sleep problem!

Spidermama · 18/07/2009 15:53

MN-Towers ..... Can we have a 'I know we're not supposed to do a thread about a thread bu ...' topic?

Mamazon · 18/07/2009 15:54

i don't agree with CC in the extremes of SWMNBN.

i just don't see why if your very much anti CC why you feel the need to enter a support thread for cc ers just to thrust your own ipinion down their necks.

I wouldn't go on a vegan menu thread and spout on about the value's of meat.

if you don't like it thats your decision as a parent, just realise that there are choices you make as a mum that others wouldn't.

tolerance really is underrated

BitOfFun · 18/07/2009 16:10

I still have to do a form of CC with dd2, age 8, who is autistic. Sometimes she needs to be gone into at night, as she has upended her bed, or needs changing etc. I do notice though that she can get into a pattern of wanting to get up just to get the stimulation of being downstairs and out of bed, because her brain doesn't seem to be able to switch off even though she must be exhausted. On nights like this, I have to go back to the CC, just to help her get some sleep. I really hate having to get a sleepy reluctant little girl up for school, and if it wasn't for using CC when necessary that would be the situation.

I wouldn't take too much notice of anyone who had a go at me about it, unless they were offering to do the night shift!

seeker · 18/07/2009 17:03

So if you think someone is doing something that may very well harm their baby or their relationship with their baby, and which they don't want to do (or they wouldn't be asking about it on here) you should say nothing because "there are choices you make as a mum that others wouldn't."? And you shouldn't suggest alternatives?

Mamazon · 18/07/2009 18:45

by all means offer an alternative but theres really no need to go onto the o0nes that clearly state that its for support.

I've seen some really quite awful things said to those who CC. that they are virtually abusing their children.

as i say, im not for the SWMNBN school of CC but im not against it as a rule. as BoF says, sometimes it works as a mini method. combined with other techniques.

seeker · 19/07/2009 06:14

Why not? I genuinely think it's damaging and ineffective for under 1s and it's wrong to try it. And I am not alone in thinking this. If I see someone asking about doing ANYTHING that may be damaging to their child in real life or on here I am going to comment.

JemL · 19/07/2009 11:10

Seeker - are you ok with other people commenting on your parenting, and telling you you could be damaging your child?

I'm not being snide - this is a genuine question!

JemL · 19/07/2009 11:11

Seeker - are you ok with other people commenting on your parenting, and telling you you could be damaging your child?

I'm not being snide - this is a genuine question!

JemL · 19/07/2009 11:13

oops!

seeker · 19/07/2009 11:13

If someone genuinely thought I was doing something damaging I would want to know, yes. I may not have realized, or been aware of the alternatives. Or if I was so desperate I was clutching at straws I would want someone to say "hang on a minute here...."

OurLadyOfPerpetualSupper · 19/07/2009 11:32

Sorry, but what's SWMNBN?

Mamazon · 19/07/2009 11:35

she who must not be named = gina Ford.

StarlightMcKenzie · 19/07/2009 11:51

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HuffwardlyRouge · 19/07/2009 12:17

I know lots of mums with young children and babies. I only know one who has not done CC. Many of those who say that CC was a godsend for them actually did CIO.

In my experience on mn and irl, cc fans are on the defensive from the start. Not sure why as they seem to be in the majority and are convinced it is a good and right thing to do.

I am often told that I am a loony for still night feeding my 15mth old, and for having both dc in bed with us most nights. I can genuinely smile and not feel remotely defensive about it because I know we are doing what is right and best for us.