to expect DP not to spend the rent money on beer?

[LissyGlitter]

We have been living with ILs while we get ourselves sorted out with a new house for the past month. DP works full time and I stay at home looking after DD and being pregnant. I also have been signed off work due to mental health problems. I have been saving up my benefits for the past month, although i have been paying all the bills (£500 for the final gas/leccy bill from our old house, various costs for getting straight with the old internet company, storage costs etc), I thought this was on the understanding that DP was also saving his wages for the rent on our new house.
We signed for our new house last week, and as FIL was kindly lending us the deposit, he also stuck the first months rent on his card so we could pay him back. Today I asked DP for the money to pay his dad back. The rent is £525. He said he could probably manage to give me £80, and maybe another £180 tomorrow when he gets paid. When I questioned this (hissing quietly as FIL was in the next room) he said he thought the tax credits (which go into my account) were enough to cover the rent and that I was paying the bills. How on earth he expects me to pay the bills and feed all of us on Child Benefit and £180 a month DLA I have no idea!
When I said I would deal with the bills I meant using the tax credits, which I see as my "wage" for looking after DD and running the house. Generally we pretty much share money, eg when out shopping whoever happens to have their card handy pays. I tend to deal with the bill as I am at home all day to be on hold with the bills companies (in our last house I'm pretty sure he didn't even know how much our bills were!)

what gets me is that DP has been out at work nearly every day for the past month, so he has somehow managed to spend all that money without having anything to show for it. His ONLY cost is £15 a week for a bus pass and maybe lunch the odd time he forgets to take a packed one. Am I going to have to take his wage off him and give him spends? yet every time I buy anything he doesn't see as "essential" (recent examples have included a toilet training seat for DD and a dress for me from primark as I only had one dress my bump would fit into and it was too hot for jeans) I get a lecture off him about how we have to tighten our belts and not go spending on frivolous things.

I'm pretty sure the money has gone on beer due to his habit of taking up to two hours to make the fifteen minute journey home from work or saying he is nipping to the shop for milk and a paper and staying out all evening.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've found tesco own brand (the ones like acti-fit, purple pack rather than the green pack babydry ones) to be superiour to the huggies and are about half the price. And are often on sale too. You might give them a try.

And your dp is a tool. Sorry.

I would tell your FIL the reason you can't pay him back the full amount you promised. I would also get him to pay his wages into your account, once all the bills have been paid then you can spilt the remainder equally, if he decides to drink all his pocket money then so be it, don't give him any of yours. but at least you will know all the bills have been paid so you will have peace of mind.

I really don't understand this his and hers wages, we share things equally in this relationship.

What kind of genius is he? Can he not use his genius to earn something more than £6 an hour?

He sounds like an idiot rather than a genius if he can't work out that he needs to pay the rent first and go to the pub later!!

Lissy I don't know if you have a Costco card but their own-brand Kirkland nappies are fab and v. cheap.

Just go and have a read of the Women's Aid website. Just read it, that's all. You don't have to take any specific action, but you might find it interesting reading. Particularly the bits about being short of money, isolated, reminded regularly that you are inferior...

He's a quiz champion type (mastermind no less) and dominates the discussion in uni. Problem is, he somehow doesn't has a degree or any kind of career.

i just grassed on him to his mum. he'll be really mad but it serves him right!

If you can't trust your husband to behave ethically in front of his parents then what do you think your life will be like when you move out? I am with SGB- go and have a look at the web site.
Buy own brand nappies.
Work out a weekly shopping list and cost it up.
Sorry your husband may be able to memorise a few answers to questions on his favourite topics, but he is no genius what ever he has told you. You don't have to be too clever to work out it's better to take care of your family than to drink a pint.

He is generally lovely, very loving to me and DD, interesting to talk to, great in bed, has pretty much the same views as me on politics, literature, etc, most of the time he is the perfect man. He just seems to need actual instructions for the most basic of living skills, and then resents being told what to do! it's like living with a teenager sometimes.

Well this is what is confusing me. Even if he has been in the pub every time he has been out of the house and not walking about admiring the surroundings or whatever his excuse is, he's never all that drunk when he gets back. So how on earth has he spent all that money? I'm racking my brains...he is giving up smoking and i know patches are expensive...he buys the guardian every day...he does still smoke the odd fag...and that's it. When i asked him, he said he had spent a lot of it on taking me and DD out, which is odd, as I tend to pay for everything, unless we are going to the pub, but I'm pregnant so have the occasional half of real ale and mostly stick to soft drinks, so again that doesn't really account for it.

Where on earth does a man with no bills to pay and a full time job keeping him busy spend all that money? He hasn't had any new clothes for about a year, he has a phone he won in a quiz, he doesn't drive, when he does go to the pub he drinks bog standard lager, he hasn't even bought a book to my knowledge for a few months...

This sounds like a horrible situation. You should not have to be asking your DP for money in such a way. I have no income at the moment because im not working. We are on tax credits and because DP is the one working, they go into his account. The only thing that goes into my bank account is child benefit. So i do find myself having to ask for money, but its just a case of, "can you leave me £20 i need xwy or want go yzx" He pays the bills and we do the shopping together. So, thats how it works - he has all the money, not because he earns it, just because it worked out that way, he has the money so he pays the bills etc. He has to sort it out. ~Im a bit in the dark about all that really. Works for us.

However, what you describe is not a good situation, not only do you have to organise all the bills and the shopping etc, you have to "beg" him for money, whilst he spends it on a whim, whether its on beer or fecking strawberry ice cream! You are sitting there budgeting how much to spend on nappies in order to give him his spending money - fuck that!!

We have to budget because there is very little money, DP NEVER goes to the pub, never buys himself anything, neither do i, because we are broke just now - but if DP was earning bundles of money, it woudlnt be an issue.

Your DP needs to grow up fast, else i would consider leaving him with your in laws and setting up home on your own.

complete aside - for ages i bought only pampers nappies, then once they only had tescos own they were so much better!!! d;oh - i changed from there on in, could have saved a fortune!!!!!!

Sorry but I doubt that the odd drink is the end of his free spending unless he is drinking hard for hours every evening. You budgetting hard and having to use dla etc is going to make you increasingly resentful if he fails to address his spending and make a financial commitment to supporting his family. Could he have some other issues of which you are unaware or thougth he'd addressed - gambling , debt etc ? Has he freeloaded off pil's before and therefore perhaps doesn't share your expectation and priority to pay them back ?

I get the impression that in his last marriage his ex dealt with all the money side of things. She was from a very well off family and had a good job. He was her carer (she uses a wheelchair) and did some temp work. When they split up she got to keep the flat and car that they owned as well as the majority of the household effects and so on, which makes me think that she must have bought most of it in the first place. He was pretty well known on the live music scene in the area, but she was very rarely seen out, he says because of her disability, but I suspect she was probably just unwilling to be out all the time. He says she was very controlling and hated him going out, but I worry he thinks the same about me now.

I've told him I don't mind him going out, as long as he lets me know how long he is planning to be out for, doesn't spend money we don't have and doesn't come back drunk and spoiling for an arguement. Obviously in an ideal world I would prefer he kept it down to the one night out a week that i have with him and maybe one or two evenings in the pub by himself, but he doesn't seem to see the point in being in the house of an evening. He has told me he doesn't mind babysitting if I want to go out, but I don't want to go and sit by myself in the local pubs and feel too vulnerable when pregnant to travel all the way into Newcastle city centre by myself at night. I keep saying I will join a reading group or something to make friends but things keep coming up. I just want to sit and read together or have a chat about our day and about what is going on in the world. he says I don't understand the stress he is under having to work full time and he needs to unwind. He tells me that i just sit on my bum all day.

He's back from work. I'm going to let him wind down and then ask him to come round the corner to our new house for some excuse, sit him down and tell him i need him to give me £135 a week starting tomorrow to cover bills and rent, plus as much extra as he can in order to pay his dad back as a matter of urgency. Any tips on how to put this without getting him on the defensive? I could do without him sulking on the next few days as we are moving house tomorrow.

...and he's gone out again. He says his brother needs some stuff from the shop (his brother is seriously ill so can't go himself) and asked if anyone else needed anything. He seemed pretty cheerful though, so i'm hopeful for him coming back in a normal amount of time.

oh dear

'he tells me that I just sit on my bum all day'

well, that one comment alone would cause major ructions for my DH.

Sorry to be blunt, but you are very silly if you allow him to talk to you like that. And I can tell that's just the tip of the iceberg.

I think you need to set some standards for yourself. my dh would only say something like that once. Jeez. Not that any reasonable man would say something so crass and belittling

So what is he actually FOR Lissy?