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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I possibly am

36 replies

randomtask · 15/07/2009 12:37

DH has just been out to buy DS a model car for his 8th birthday. We've also bought him a few other bits, two I bought, one DH bought and one we bought together. Last night DH said about some nice car cards in the art shop. I said, I thought he needed something more 'child like' and we could look when we go to the shops on Friday evening. I agreed DH should buy the car today as otherwise we'd run out of time, plus he knew more what DS likes.

DH has now texted saying he's bought a card for DS as he thought it would save time. I'm a bit hurt and annoyed by this as he knew I wanted us to buy the card together and also I think he sometimes forgets he's not a single parent anymore (DS is from DH's first marriage where his wife died. We've been married a year and I'm currently in the process of adopting DS). He thinks I've 'jumped to an angry conclusion' as I responded to his text saying 'I thought we were getting it together, seems you've gone into single parent mode'.

So AIBU? I'm quite prepared for 'yes's'!

OP posts:

KittyWalker · 15/07/2009 12:40

hmmmmm maybe ever so slightly - sorry but it's only a card! I would have been a bit more miffed if it was the present.

Molesworth · 15/07/2009 12:40

If this is an isolated incident, then I'm afraid yes, I think YABU ... but it sounds like this 'single parent mode' thing is an ongoing issue, of which the card incident is the latest symptom?

saintlydamemrsturnip · 15/07/2009 12:40

Um yes you are I'm afraid. I can understand why, but it would be very odd to have to meet all the time to choose a card. It probably didn't even register with your dh that you'd agreed to buy a card together (it wouldn't with me) and I don't think it's 'single parent mode' for one person to buy a card- it's normal. Just text him back and apologise for over reacting.

KittyWalker · 15/07/2009 12:40

How long was he a single parent?

SecretSlattern · 15/07/2009 12:41

My Dh does this with cards, if find it a bit weird, he buys a card for the dc's that is just from him but its his little thing he likes to do. I can understand why you would feel put out but I do think yabu (a little bit anyway).

GrimmaTheNome · 15/07/2009 12:41

YABU, a bit. Its the sort of thing that could easily arise with someone who'd never been a single parent. Its just not that big a deal really, is it?

wh00ps · 15/07/2009 12:42

ummm yes i think it is probably a slight over reaction. I pop in to town on my lunch hours so often do all the shopping for birthday's without dh. It's just easier that way. Perhaps you are just feeling over sensitive because he's not your biological ds.

RenagadeMum · 15/07/2009 12:42

What a tricky situation. This isn't just about buying a card is it. How hard to have to step into a family and want to make it all good.

I guess I wouldn't say this should be the cause of an argument. Just try and work out why it would lead to one though. So I am going to abstain from working out if YABU/YANBU

readyfornumber2and3 · 15/07/2009 12:43

Im not really sure lol

I can see your point about wanting to do it together, but your DH was probably just trying to save you both some time and obviously saw a card he thought DS would like.

I dont think your DH did it to upset you and you shouldnt really fall out over it, but it may be worth explaning to him that you had been looking forward to buying it together and you feel hurt by his action?

zanz1bar · 15/07/2009 12:43

Yup YABU, I am amazed that your Dh even thought about buying a card, mine hasn't physically bought his Dd ( my Dsd) any of her presents or cards since we got together.

pointydog · 15/07/2009 12:47

yabu. He saw a card he thinks ds will like. It's not about you

TheCrackFox · 15/07/2009 12:50

YABU.(ish)

Personally, I would be delighted if my Dh showed the iniative.

Do 8 year old boys even look at the cards?

MiniMarmite · 15/07/2009 12:56

Agree with Molesworth, if an isolated incident then YABU. Sounds like you've shared most of the buying and he was just trying to be helpful. Maybe it just felt right for him to get it.

Original poster

randomtask · 15/07/2009 12:58

DH is currently not working til September and I'm working full time so he was definitely being nice and trying to save me time. I did tell him that I knew he was meaning well, that I just felt a bit hurt and it won't cause an arguement. DH is a great Dad and has only recently started working so he really has done it all himself.

We have slight 'single parent issues' as after DH's first wife died he moved back with his parents for 3 years before we got married. He tends to forget that if he's going out, somebody needs to be home to look after DS as he's used to having two willing parents there. So sometimes he's just a little inconsiderate as he doesn't realise he needs to think about us. But in some ways, I think he's just male.

I think I'm annoyed as I didn't want to buy the card on my own as I knew DH would want to be involved (incidentally, I've organised all the party and stuff but only because DH was busy/doesn't get round to it and I've asked DH about decisions all of the way).

We're going shopping on Friday so we were supposed to do the card then.

We're also seeing the social worker regarding the adoption later plus, we're in the middle of buying a house and massively doing it up so I think I'm probably just stressed and tired and he's probably trying to be helpful as he feels bad (due to his lack of logic/organisation I'm doing nearly all of the house move stuff and when he's called people as asked, he tends to get info wrong so I end up more stressed and having to do things in my lunch hour).

He is a great DH in most ways so he's allowed his moments of 'helpfulness'. I just figure it's important to let each other know when we're a little annoyed so problems don't get bigger IYSWIM

OP posts:

Original poster

randomtask · 15/07/2009 12:59

Oh and TheCrackFox, yes our DS is very into cards, in fact often more than the presents!

OP posts:

BecauseImWorthIt · 15/07/2009 13:03

FFS it's only a card! YABVU.

LilRedWG · 15/07/2009 13:05

If it's a one-off then I think that you are overeascting slightly. That being said, I can see why you may feel sensitive about whether DH actually thinks of you as an equal parent.

DrunkenDaisy · 15/07/2009 13:28

Is a step parent ever an equal parent?

I don't mean that to be an antagonising question but i don't consider my dh an equal parent to my dd who i had in a previous relationship. but then again her real dad's not dead.

piscesmoon · 15/07/2009 13:41

I would say you are an equal partner-it is what they do. It is only a card-if he was going to have to consider your feelings you wouldn't be equal. He didn't see it as a big issue.

MamaLazarou · 15/07/2009 13:43

You are being a little unreasonable. It's such a tiny thing.

Surfermum · 15/07/2009 13:51

I think your reaction isn't in proportion to what has happened, so maybe this isn't about the card, more how you feel about your role in the relationship with your dss and feeling valued and important.

Original poster

randomtask · 15/07/2009 14:04

Possibly. I think it was just another thing where DH doesn't quite remember he's not on his own still (incidentally, he often doesn't seem to consider DS in his decisions so I don't think it's about me as such).

And yes a step parent should be equal. We would never have got married if we couldn't be equal and give DS a 'normal family life'. He needs to see we are equal in order to respect us equally and feel safe in our family. I'm adopting DS so that DH and I are legally equal (DH's desire as much if not more than mine) and so that DS will be legally equal to any children DH and I have. Anything else would not be fair on him and he deserves the best.

OP posts:

piscesmoon · 15/07/2009 16:59

If he was your natural child it is quite likely that one of you would just have bought a card-I don't think that it is the sort of thing you would choose together. I tend to buy all the cards in out house, but once in a while DH will appear with a card because he happened to see a suitable one.
I think that your DH would have no idea that he had been anything other than practical.

beanieb · 15/07/2009 17:03

I think you are over-reacting.

PuppyMonkey · 15/07/2009 17:03

Crikey, I never even notice the cards - give me a massive prezzie to unwrap any day.

Not the biggest crisis in the universe was it? I'm sure you'll get over it after a period of counselling and reflection.

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