I possibly am

[randomtask]

DH has just been out to buy DS a model car for his 8th birthday. We've also bought him a few other bits, two I bought, one DH bought and one we bought together. Last night DH said about some nice car cards in the art shop. I said, I thought he needed something more 'child like' and we could look when we go to the shops on Friday evening. I agreed DH should buy the car today as otherwise we'd run out of time, plus he knew more what DS likes.

DH has now texted saying he's bought a card for DS as he thought it would save time. I'm a bit hurt and annoyed by this as he knew I wanted us to buy the card together and also I think he sometimes forgets he's not a single parent anymore (DS is from DH's first marriage where his wife died. We've been married a year and I'm currently in the process of adopting DS). He thinks I've 'jumped to an angry conclusion' as I responded to his text saying 'I thought we were getting it together, seems you've gone into single parent mode'.

So AIBU? I'm quite prepared for 'yes's'!

YABU

He bought his son a card and there is nothing wrong with that. He didn't choose a whole new kitchen.

YABU

I can honestly say I don't think I have ever bought a dc birthday card with both dh & I present, it's something either parent tends to do as no big deal IYSWIM

I'm confused

"I agreed DH should buy the car today as otherwise we'd run out of time, plus he knew more what DS likes."

Then

"DH has now texted saying he's bought a card for DS as he thought it would save time. I'm a bit hurt and annoyed by this as he knew I wanted us to buy the card together"

Maybe I am reading it wrong?

Have a wee chat with DH but I don't think he meant anything by it - i'd be saying YANBU if he said he wanted to buy it himself for his own reasons, but it seems he did it to try and do you a favour

There is letting someone know you are annoyed and being quite bitter sounded with sending single parent messages. Do you think he wanted to be a single parent?

You are never going to be his son's biological mother but you will be is mum if and when the adoption goes through and that should be what matters - not who bought the card.

I don't think something like choosing a card together is going to make you an "equal" parent, not things like arranging adoption etc. To me it's less about practical things and more about the emotional side of things. I'm not sure it's something you can force, to me it's more organic than that and just needs to be nurtured and allowed to develop.

Hmmm...Husbands that buy cards....nope I have no reference point for that.

I can't imagine going out to buy a card together at all, but I guess other couples have different 'traditions'.

Oh I do TsarChasm ... it's dash into the Tesco Express with wide-eyed panicked expression on face and grab the nearest one with Mum on it.

It's why I got a birthday card on Mother's Day .

Lol.

Sorry, but yes, you are over-reacting.
You are lucky to have a DP that would even think to buy a card! Mine would look at me like I was insane if I suggested buying a card together!
I'm the kind of person who doesn't give Christmas cards to people that I see (including DH, DS and the dog) on Christmas day though

I think that you are overthinking this and thus overreacting.

I think that your DS is also very lucky to have you

I would apologise for the single parent jibe though, that was a bit uncalled for.

The single parent jibe was childish- but I think you know that.
Your DH is getting used to having a mum for his son, he is having to share tasks and decisions that for years were his alone.

You are coming in as a mum to be-with hopes and expectations, and whilst your husband may have shared his experiences with you, the grief of the journey of being a single dad is his alone. Just as you can't understand why he would go out and buy a card, he probably doesn't realise why you would want to. Sounds like you need to talk and not about the birthday, but about your hopes for the adoption.
Also the truth is if DH knows which model car DS wants, he probably knows which card he would most appreciate.

All of that said I don't want to say you are being unreasonable, because you are just trying to be DS mum and finding your place in that relationship. It takes adopters a long time to become the parent, and the older the child the longer it takes. A year of marriage isn't that long in that little boys life even though he is young. It will come, and not over a choice of cards, where lets be honest if you had your way DH would probably have been miffed at having his choice bumped, and DS might not have got a card he likes as much.
It will come over the care during illness, the meals, the school stuff, the hugs and love you give. It will come.