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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to take a present to a 6yr party

52 replies

Blondeshavemorefun · 14/07/2009 17:43

when the mum put on invites no pressies as she feels that her 6yr has enough toys/book etc

esp as her dc was at school today and after other children saying they got xyz for their birthday - she said she didnt know what she was getting from her mum and dad

and obv wont get any pressies from her party tomorrow

i really want to take something for her

surely 6yr is too young not to get pressies

OP posts:
duckyfuzz · 14/07/2009 19:24

I think you underestimate many 6 yr olds with that sweeping generalisation

RenagadeMum · 14/07/2009 19:32

Its a bit odd but can understand it as I am emigrating very soon and also have my dds birthday coming up so dont want loads of tat lovely stuff to have to recycle.

Perhaps get your dd to make some peppermint creams or some such easy recipe for her. That would be giving and would make all of you feel happy!

lockets · 14/07/2009 19:43

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TsarChasm · 14/07/2009 19:46

It's one of those things you can say about your own birthday if you want, but not on behalf of someone else? Even if they are your own child. Imo.

And where does that leave everyone else when it's their birthday? Has the bench-mark been set? Do they have to feel they should say it too at their parties? I suspect a bit of competitive hair-shirting going on there.

It's trying too hard to make 'a point'; but in reality making the child stand out and look different.

Also, it sounds a very bossy going round telling people whether or not they can give a present to someone. It's their choice to do so surely.

sweetfall · 14/07/2009 19:52

oh so do I lockets, so do I - and I hate the endless tatt. But it is simple to hide 90% of them away and just keep a couple out and they forget.

But I agree making the decision for a child is wrong - and hair-shirty - and just wrong

staranise · 14/07/2009 19:57

YABabitU
We did this for our DD's 3rd birthday party as we had 40+ guests invited (it was a joint party with me), we have a v small house, we have an extensive family who all buy ridiculous amounts of stuff and, given that she was 3, she didn't really understand about presents. She still got a mountain of gifts, from family and close friends, plus party guests who insisted on buying a present. Of course I didn't mind, I didn't feel that strongly about it. I know a lot of the other parents thought we were beng mean.

Now she's older (5) we probably wouldn't do it as she would be upset, plus her parties are much smaller. Also, grandparents etc now tend to contribute towards ballet lessons etc so there's not such a mountain of plastic tat presents.
Either respect the parents' wishes or get her a book token or cinema voucher.

seeker · 14/07/2009 19:59

My ds's birthday party is next week, and he's looking forward to the party, the cake, the unlimited chocolate, playing with his friends - and the presents. Coming home with a big pile of presents is part of the day. i think ti's REALY REALLY mean to say no presents. I could easily manipulate my ds to say he didn't want any and he would understand all the environmental and space related arguments - but underneath it all he would still be sad and want the presents!

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/07/2009 02:02

I can see both sides of this one.

  • It's a birthday, there should be presents.
  • So much stuff already, how can more be appreciated?

It's a pity the mum went for the extreme option of no presents, there are other alternatives. When my DS was about that age I specialised in "consumable" presents - a pad of paper and a packet of felt-tip pens. Guaranteed to be all used up within a month, so no real addition to the clutter, fairly cheap, and usually appreciated by the child. Later some other mums raised the idea of a spending cap - £5 max and not a penny more. That's still working fairly well.

Probably her present from her parents is just going to be a surprise rather than non-existent?

Could you maybe raise the idea of a small token gift with the mum when you RSVP?

muggglewump · 15/07/2009 02:18

My DD has far, far too many toys.
I can't afford much but I'm bad at getting rid of things, as is she and she still plays with toys she's had for years.
If she had a party I would ask for no gifts too, partly because I hate the pressure of having to buy one when I don't have much money, and partly because DD has plebnty already.
I do make sure she has what she wants for her birthday.

I'd respect the parents wishes, and not take a gift.

Oh and if you listened to DD, she'd have you believe she just had an apple and a penny for her birthday, and the penny was paid in installments

muggglewump · 15/07/2009 02:23

And yes, she has too many books too.
She's not a reader, much as I do try to encourage her.
She's not read half of the books she has, never mind new ones.

We go to the Library, we really don't need more books that won't get read and will just create a bigger pile of stuff.

nooka · 15/07/2009 02:40

My dd would be sad not to choose and give a present for a friend. I think a gift in kind (reciprocal invitation) would be a good way to go

zeke · 15/07/2009 08:03

I would just put some money in the birthday card tbh.

I really wished I could have written 'no presents' on my son's invites this year. He has far too much already and he will be getting plenty of gifts from his family. He is super excited about the party but hasn't mentioned gifts, however, I don't think it is fair to make a five year old 'different' so I didn't!

lockets · 15/07/2009 08:26

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sweetfall · 15/07/2009 08:30

face is really bloody rude isn't it

lockets · 15/07/2009 08:32

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sweetfall · 15/07/2009 08:35

sceptical about hiding a glut of presents from a small child and them not remembering them?

errr ok

must be just my kids who are happy in the opening, do it super-fast, pick on a couple of things they love and don't really notice the rest

sweetfall · 15/07/2009 08:35

and I think hmm is not sceptical it's just rude

lockets · 15/07/2009 08:38

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Original poster
Blondeshavemorefun · 15/07/2009 12:28

thank you for your opinions

i have decided to respect obey the mums wishes, though i really dont want to

i still feel very sad not giving one to dc to take to school today (party after school)

dc6 asked where the pressie was, and again i said to her that she isnt having any as her mummy didnt want her to have any

my dc6 looked at me with wide eyes and said "isnt she allowed* i said no - and dc was a bit quiet, then said i can share my ds with her (her 6th pressie) when she comes over for a play

bless her cotton socks

wonder if the mum also doesnt want pressies when it is her birthday

at 6 they are too young to not understand why she takes pressies to partys (she came to dc6)yet wont be getting any herself

a magic painting book/paper&pens,t shirt, even a cake mix could have been wrapped, used and enjoyed and not clutter up the house, but no, nothing

will be asking dc what her friend was like at the party - maybe she wont care/mind but we will see and also ask mummy when i pick up what SHE brought her, and i really hope she did something from parents

OP posts:
filchthemildmanneredjanitor · 15/07/2009 12:30

i would put a fiver in her card

Original poster
Blondeshavemorefun · 15/07/2009 15:42

no

mum made it very clear to NO money

think she would have seriously flipped about money!!!

well party has started - will see what dc says about it, when i pick her up

OP posts:
monkeyfeathers · 15/07/2009 17:00

My OH wanted me to specify 'no presents' on the invitations for DS's birthday party, because he has quite enough stuff as it is (he most certainly does, he can't appreciate it all, and our house is not big enough for more). I didn't though as I kind of felt it would be rude, or something. I guess I felt that it wasn't my place to tell people whether they could buy him a present or not. It might also be a bit presumptuous, in that it implies that everyone would be buying a present unless I told them not to. Anyway, it felt like a weird thing to do, so I didn't. I did persuade my mum (who always buys far too much stuff) that the best thing was to give him money for his new bank account though.

katiestar · 15/07/2009 21:10

I would give money.they can always put it in her bank account.I just wouldn't feel comfortable about going to a party empty-handed.
I am a bit horrified that a parent would 'recycle' ,ebay or otherwise dispose of a child'd presents.What gives them the right ?

Original poster
Blondeshavemorefun · 15/07/2009 21:28

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

several mums ignored the request and brought pressies which little girl was thrilled to unwrap (well she would wouldnt she) and then said thank you

which led to other 6yrs at the party saying they wanted to bring a pressie and then started to cry as they hadnt and didnt get a thank you

mum of birthday girl, all smiles, said, "oh you shouldnt have, thank you, but didnt have to/i said not to" etc - the several mums (givers) replied i wanted to (yeah - so well did i, but i ignored my gut feeling)

i also felt rather embarassed arriving to pick up without a pressie after seeing other parents bring them

have come to the conclusion that will IGNORE another request like this as other parents obv feel the same as i do

and fwiw i dont care if my pressie is thrown away/recycled/given to charity - just as long as i give one, and that the birthday child gets the pleasure of unwrapping and so my dc6 doesnt feel sad/left out either

so if ANYONE is thinking of writing no presents on invite DONT

just be grateful that your child has friends who want to buy them something

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

OP posts:
mumeeee · 15/07/2009 21:46

YANBU. I would take a presebt if you want to and I think you will probably find that some of the other parebts do the same.