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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Another "children at weddings" thread - sorry

48 replies

WeddingNameChanger · 14/07/2009 12:16

Have name changed through fear of the Mumsnet jury on this one - I know this can be a pretty heated topic. I suspect this issue must have been previously discussed, but I can't find a thread among the many discussions of children at weddings.

DP and I are getting married next year. The reception is being held in a marquee in a field on a cliff (this is safer than it sounds - it is fenced but is still not particlarly child-friendly).

We don't (yet) have our own children. Inviting all the children of the people we plan to invite bumps our numbers up by about 30 (from 120).

The venue is not really practical to hire childminders/nannies and have them look after the children - there isn't a separate space for them and one apparently can't be created without vast expense (we would have to go up a marquee size to create the extra room). Plus, I think it's a lot of responsibility for the nannies to have to look after 30 children by a cliff face and think I would still worry.

I am very worried about mixing together 120 of our friends and family, a load of booze, darkness, 30 children and a sheer drop off a cliff with a fence they could climb over/under. I appreciate that their parents will be careful but accidents can happen so quickly.

I would prefer to not invite any children (other than small babies, obviously) to avoid spending my wedding worrying about accidents. DP would like to invite his 3 nephews (I am slightly concerned about this as, while lovely, they are not the best behaved and seem quite likely contendors for fence climbing antics, but he is adament).

Is there any way to invite 3 children without causing total offence to the parents of the 27 who are not invited? AIBU in even considering this? Thoughts appreciated.

OP posts:

paisleyleaf · 14/07/2009 12:18

Are they the only children within the 'family'
if so you could say; family children only

SoupDragon · 14/07/2009 12:19

Make the 3 nephews page boys (whether they actually perform the role doesn't matter - dress them like it and use them in photos and no one will question it)

Make it clear in the invites that the venue is not suitable for children and why it's not suitable.

paisleyleaf · 14/07/2009 12:20

Crikey! at the cliff drop btw
I've a few adult family members who I'd have to think twice about their safety after a few drinks.

spinspinsugar · 14/07/2009 12:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YorkshireRose · 14/07/2009 12:21

I'm a bit worried that a some squiffy adult guests might fall over the cliff, to be honest!

spinspinsugar · 14/07/2009 12:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

screamingabdab · 14/07/2009 12:22

Yes, I agree that this should not be a problem.

I was very relieved the last time there was a no children wedding invitation. I prefer to go to weddings without mine

Tortington · 14/07/2009 12:23

yeah booze and cliffs dont mix

don't booze and cliffs

TrillianoftheShineyCult · 14/07/2009 12:25

Technically you can do whatever you like, it's your wedding. But you should try to be fair about it.

So if you invite your DP's nephews you should in theory also invite your neices/nephews if you have any.

It's possible that your DP's brother/sister (parents of the nephews) might prefer to have them stay with a babysitter rather than bring them, if they are likely fence-climbers.

Also if you want any friends/family with small babies to come you should allow babies, perhaps with a size restriction on only small babies who don't require a meal or a seat at a table. (I know you already said this)

You should also be prepared for people to be unreasonably upset that you don't want thier little darlings at your wedding.

morningpaper · 14/07/2009 12:25

REALLY agree

This sounds like a terrible venue for what will be an enormous drinking session

I would change the venue regardless of other issues

muddleduck · 14/07/2009 12:26

I'd speak to the parents of the nephews about the situation before doing the invites. If they know the venue then they amy well have helpful suggestions about what is sensible for their (and other) children.

LoveMyGirls · 14/07/2009 12:27

It sounds like an insane venue tbh. with or without children.

I wouldn't want to risk it, there are other places to get married where you won't have the risk of one of your guests falling off a cliff.

Original poster

WeddingNameChanger · 14/07/2009 12:28

I know, Paisleyleaf et al - I have had a few concerns about that since booking! The fence is pretty sturdy, though - an adult would have to really want to climb over (and I'd have less sympathy if they did so!), while a child could just be playing without realising it wasn't just more field on the other side... Perhaps I'll stick some fairy lights along the fence and hope they give enough light to show that is NOT grass over the fence!

No, the majority of the other children are family children so can't really go with that. Am hoping the parents of the nephews may indeed decide a babysitter is a better bet if they want to have any hope of a relaxed night!

Brilliant idea re page boys, SoupDragon - thanks. As one of them has just started prep school I'm sure he'll be thrilled at the chance to dress up in a velvet suit - I'm also thinking some kind of hat...

OP posts:

gigglinggoblin · 14/07/2009 12:29

I would go with the page boy ideas and have a quiet word with their mum about how dangerous it is. She may decide not to bring them anyway.

morningpaper · 14/07/2009 12:30

Is this a private venue? Do you have MASSIVE insurance?

Why risk it? Seriously, drinking + cliffs are like drinking + empty swimming pools - some drunk idtio will either dive off or say 'I'm just going to look over the cliff!'

Original poster

WeddingNameChanger · 14/07/2009 12:30

Oh god, am now panicking about the venue full stop! It is a nice sturdy fence (a large wooden one, just right for climbing by 6 year olds...). I wonder if it's too late to change? They do a lot of weddings there (it's right next to the church) and as far as I know no-one has fallen off - it's near my parents so I'm sure the village grapevine would have passed the info on...

OP posts:

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 14/07/2009 12:31

I think the venue sounds very risky tbh and if anyone was to fall off I would feel terrible.

If you say to people not to bring children in case they fall off the cliff you will have indignant parents who think you think they can't look after their own children.

If you don'[t want kids there, no matter the venue, then say so.

Our kids haven't been invited to a wedding and have been told it isn't being held in a child friendly place but we know the bride doesn't like kids so it isn't a surprise.

morningpaper · 14/07/2009 12:33

Well are you friends riotous party animals or tipsy nice couples?

I would say that if their drinking tales involve numerous injuries and vomiting in taxis then reconsider. If a mild headache the next day is considered hilariously norty then don't worry.

LoveMyGirls · 14/07/2009 12:34

I'm shocked at this comment -

The fence is pretty sturdy, though - an adult would have to really want to climb over (and I'd have less sympathy if they did so!)

So a day that is supposed to be the happiest day of you life, months of planning, thousands of pounds spent and it's ruined because someone got drunk and climbed over the fence (not unknown for drunk people to think they are invinceable and men especially showing off "oh look I can climb over this and survive") and you would only think I've got no sympathy? Really?

I'm getting married in 8 weeks and if one of my guests dies at my wedding I will be devastated especially if I could have prevented it by booked a different venue.

NorbertDentressangle · 14/07/2009 12:34

You can get pretty extreme weather on top of a cliff, even when its dry and sunny, I'd be worried about the marquee taking off as well as the safety of inebriated guests!

re: children. I think TBH I would be too worried to invite any otherwise I'd spend the entire day/evening worrying about their whereabouts

Original poster

WeddingNameChanger · 14/07/2009 12:40

LoveMyGirls - I don't think it's unreasonable to have less sympathy (note - not none) at an adult (albeit a drunk one) climbing a fence than a child (which was my point) - children don't have the same ability to make good judgements as adults, that's why we protect them more. I never suggested that I wouldn't be devastated if such a thing were to happen.

Perhaps DP and I need to renegotiate our venue... this is a popular wedding venue, though, it's not just a random field! Perhaps I should try to talk to someone who's had their marquee there before.

OP posts:

sazlocks · 14/07/2009 12:40

Speaking as someone who had a child free wedding 6 years ago I think you either have to have all children or none. The vast majority of our guests were delighted to have a child free day to enjoy thefreebooze. If we had tried to invite some children and not others then it would have been problematic. Perhaps your family are more reasonable than mine though !

DrunkenDaisy · 14/07/2009 12:42

Don't listen to this shit.

Have the wedding where you want and invite who you want.

I think the cliff top sounds fabulous!

screamingabdab · 14/07/2009 12:46

Blimey, some of you are being a bit harsh to the OP !

Don't change your wedding venue. It sounds lovely. You are not choosing it to suit random drunken punters who might or might not climb over a fence, you are choosing it for you.

Nancy66 · 14/07/2009 12:50

I agree - have your wedding where you want, how you want and invite who you want.

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