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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Another "children at weddings" thread - sorry

48 replies

WeddingNameChanger · 14/07/2009 12:16

Have name changed through fear of the Mumsnet jury on this one - I know this can be a pretty heated topic. I suspect this issue must have been previously discussed, but I can't find a thread among the many discussions of children at weddings.

DP and I are getting married next year. The reception is being held in a marquee in a field on a cliff (this is safer than it sounds - it is fenced but is still not particlarly child-friendly).

We don't (yet) have our own children. Inviting all the children of the people we plan to invite bumps our numbers up by about 30 (from 120).

The venue is not really practical to hire childminders/nannies and have them look after the children - there isn't a separate space for them and one apparently can't be created without vast expense (we would have to go up a marquee size to create the extra room). Plus, I think it's a lot of responsibility for the nannies to have to look after 30 children by a cliff face and think I would still worry.

I am very worried about mixing together 120 of our friends and family, a load of booze, darkness, 30 children and a sheer drop off a cliff with a fence they could climb over/under. I appreciate that their parents will be careful but accidents can happen so quickly.

I would prefer to not invite any children (other than small babies, obviously) to avoid spending my wedding worrying about accidents. DP would like to invite his 3 nephews (I am slightly concerned about this as, while lovely, they are not the best behaved and seem quite likely contendors for fence climbing antics, but he is adament).

Is there any way to invite 3 children without causing total offence to the parents of the 27 who are not invited? AIBU in even considering this? Thoughts appreciated.

OP posts:

DrunkenDaisy · 14/07/2009 12:52

Also you shouldn't have to explain yourself for not wanting kids at your wedding.

Simply to not want their snotty little faces staring at you while you say your vows should be reason enough in my opinion.

NewYearNewBaby · 14/07/2009 12:55

Just wanted to say that I went to a wedding a few years ago in Cornwall where the ceremony was held in a hotel right on the edge of the cliff face!! The wedding party then walked down some very narrow and very steep steps down to the private cove/beach where the reception was held.

Can't remember if children were there (certainly don't remember any babies or toddlers). There were about five pregnant ladies though, so the invitations clearly mentioned the hazardous walk down to the beach and contained enough information to enable you to make an informed choice whether to attend or not.

Maybe this would work in your case? Your venue sounds wonderful!

Original poster

WeddingNameChanger · 14/07/2009 12:57

Thanks, DrunkenDaisy and screamingabdab - it is a very lovely venue, with wonderful views for the daytime bit. I think I'll just have to trust my friends not to make a break for freedom over the fence! They'll have seen it in daytime too (we're not having any separate evening guests) so they will know it's the sea down there.

Perhaps will have a word with the boys' mum (we get on really well) and say that while it would be great to have children there, we're worried about safety, and then let her make the judgement call (hopefully no!), and then worry about the other children once I know if those three will be coming. Having been at a party with them a few weekends ago with a pond at the house, which they were fascinated by, I suspect she might decide she'd have a much more relaxing time if they were elsewhere...

OP posts:

LoveMyGirls · 14/07/2009 12:59

It does sound like a nice place for a wedding but I still don't think I'd want to risk it of course it's your wedding to do as you wish. I hope you have a lovely day.

Original poster

WeddingNameChanger · 14/07/2009 13:00

And also thanks to Nancy66 and NewYearNewBaby. NewYearNewBaby - I think we may have looked at that venue! It was really, really lovely but a bit out of our price range once we'd looked ino the food and booze. Having a BBQ and booze cruise wine in a big tent instead!

OP posts:

cupofteaplease · 14/07/2009 13:00

My sister held her wedding reception at a venue with a lake. For that reason, she didn't allow any children, as she was concerned for safety reasons. She did, however, bring her 6mo son and allowed any of her friends to bring their babies as well. Cue upsetting LOTS of family members who weren't allowed to bring their children (ie. her neices and nephews) but saw other parents their with their unrelated children. It did cause some upset, and one of our sisters refused to go full stop. Her argument was that she is responsible for her children, and it should be up to her to decide whether the venue was safe or not as she would be the one supervising them.

I didn't have children then, and could see both sides of the argument. I went and had a lovely time

RenagadeMum · 14/07/2009 13:02

Don't have children to the wedding.

My sister isn't, she just put on the invite, 'due to the unsuitablilty of the venue we would prefer it if you didn't bring your children. If this causes a problem could you please let us know and we can see what we can arrange.'

That way, breastfeeding week ok babies could come if need be etc.

bigchris · 14/07/2009 13:05

I think it all sounds fine, just three nephews is fine, the owners of the venue will ensure everyone is safe

NorbertDentressangle · 14/07/2009 13:11

I don't think you can say that "the owners of the venue will ensure everyone is safe" bigchris. Not unless they have security guards patrolling the fence.

Its more likely that the owners will have put up notices on the fence warning of the danger but thats not ensuring safety

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 14/07/2009 13:12

Venue sounds amazing but not safe for kids. I would invite people and say no kids over one due to safety and number issues. I would include your nephews in that - sorry, but inviting some kids and not others is unfair. Some of your friends may have wonderful kids who would behave perfectly and they might feel hurt if your tearaway nephews are invited and theirs not. If you make them pageboys their mum may feel obliged to bring them even if she'd rather not so be careful.

bigchris · 14/07/2009 13:15

but op says weddings are held there all the time! I think you're all overreacting!

proverbial · 14/07/2009 13:21

I think there seems to be a lot of paranoia here about safety. The venue is an established well used wedding venue with no history of accidents, its not halfway up a steep mountain necessitating safety harnesses and crampons FGS!

OP, from the info given, I'd say you don't want children there for other reasons as well as the safety aspect, and they seem eminently reasonable. Your wedding, your decision, just say no children on the invite. You can make exceptions for small babies if you want (I would personally for non-mobile infants, but up to you) If DH really wants his nephews, pageboys is an excellent idea, then they aren't guests at all but part of the wedding.

jellybeans · 14/07/2009 13:21

Have it how you want, it's your wedding, but if you have a 'no kids' one then expect some people to be offended and some not to come.

branflake81 · 14/07/2009 13:59

All those saying the venue is unsafe must have some pretty crazy friends! I think no matter how drunk my (adult) frirends were, they would not consider it a good idea to climb a fence next to a steep cliff. Give people a bit more credit.

Original poster

WeddingNameChanger · 14/07/2009 14:00

Thanks for all your advice - will talk to (future) SIL about the boys and see what she says.

OP posts:

FiveGoMadInDorset · 14/07/2009 14:07

you can't invite some family children and not others.

wasabipeas · 14/07/2009 14:16

The venue sounds fab - I can't believe some of the reactions on here! I imagine there will be a campaign for pubs to be moved away from main roads and beer gardens to be coated in bubblewrap on MN soon...

We had a childfree wedding, bar my DHs neices and nephews, but rather than put something on the invitation, we spoke to everyone first and explained our reasons.
Things can get read the wrong way, so we found it easier to have a gentle chat about it.
And the VAST majority of our guests were more than happy to have a night away from their children...

Blondeshavemorefun · 15/07/2009 21:18

if you have dp nephews then you must ask your own neice/nephews if you have any

apart from that have a childfree wedding i did

make it clear on invites that no children are invited because of the venue

tbh all of my friends were happy to dump get babysitters for their children and enjoy a pissed child free night

nicolamumof3 · 15/07/2009 21:35

i think you either have all/nothing on this sort of thing.

i get married on Saturday we have three children and lots of friends with small children. To me i wouldn't have dreamed of having a child free wedding, we have staff from ds2's nursery coming during daytime to look after children so ideal imo.

But everyone circumstances different. i fell out with best friend because she changed at last minute the invitation to her wedding to exclude my children 'as she couldn't afford it' so just being clear at the outset should reduce any conflict.

motherpi · 15/07/2009 21:37

It sounds wonderful NameChanger, just think how fab the pics will look

People are quite loony about Children At Weddings, so I agree that care should be taken, but a no-child wedding is perfectly reasonable!! And allowing non-mobile babies is a Very Nice Thing.

Soup's page boy idea is fab if the SIL doesn't freak out at the totally OTT reasonable description of the venue.

katiestar · 15/07/2009 21:38

If there is a sturdy restraining fence then fine.People have to take some responsibility for themselves.

mrspooh · 16/07/2009 10:08

we had the same prob re numbers last yr, in the end invited god children and the grand children of my godparents who we grew up with. there are 75 of us on my dads side and of 19 cousins, most have 3-4 children so we just couldnt do it. ds is being christened in sept and we have hired a hall so everyone children and all can be invited to that. it is a minefield of an issue but at the end of the day its your wedding. contacterd a friend yest whose wedding we are going to to ask if we could bring baby to church and she said rather not, fair enough, its her day, she has it how she wants so you do the same.

spicemonster · 16/07/2009 10:18

I'd just say something about the venues being unsuitable for children so babes in arms only. Only you know if inviting your nephews (in the capacity of pageboys or otherwise) is likely to cause ructions in the rest of your family.

My view on children/no children at weddings is simply whether it's going to have an impact on the attendance of people you really want to be there. Otherwise go for it. Personally I think the venue sounds fab!

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