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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be furious my DD1's friends parent cut chewing gum out of her hair and didn't tell us?

78 replies

MamaHarman3 · 14/07/2009 10:43

My darling DD1 went to her friends sister's birthday party on Saturday and this morning I discovered she'd had a piece of her hair cut to remove chewing gum she'd got stuck. We don't allow her to have gum at home as this has happened before with hair and carpet however I appreciate she was at a party and wasn't going to decline the offer. It turns out she'd put the gum behind her ear (!?!?) and then the inevitable happened. She said they tried to remove it but couldn't so cut it out.

Nobody told us and when putting her hair up for school today I noticed this short piece by her ear.

As the story unfolded, her Dad and I became more and more furious that someone had cut our childs hair without our knowledge or permission and that she'd not told us, claiming she'd forgotten.

She's meant to be going to their house after school but we've put a stop to that and now need to broach the subject with them.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 14/07/2009 11:31

You're in a terrible flap about a very very small thing and your dd has been grounded for nothing

have a large mug of tea and some biscuits and get a grip!

MissyBellatrix · 14/07/2009 11:31

TBH it's the sort of thing my mum would have done - overreacted about a bit of gum then grounded us. It only made us learn very quickly to keep secrets to avoid the temper and embarassment she caused by being so OTT.

If you don't want your DCs to be the same, I think you really need to lighten up or you will have some very resentful children on your hands. The resentfulness lasts until adulthood BTW.

What you do have in your favour is that you are seeking opinions on AIBU. My mum on the other hand was totally and utterly convinced her bizarre OTT wierd overreation behaviour was so justified, it never even occured to her she was BU.

morningpaper · 14/07/2009 11:33

Exactly MissyBellatrix - only the BEST mums seek opinions on AIBU

Original poster
MamaHarman3 · 14/07/2009 11:36

We have a very open relationship and she tells us most things so wasn't pleased this had been hidden.

She does know gum is not allowed and is refused when asks for it. As I said this has happened twice before in the hair and once with carpet.

Grounding for one day IMO is not too harsh. The only other time she was grounded was a month ago when she left the back gate open for her brother to potentially get out. This was last resort after a week of her doing this and being reminded to shut the gate.

In view of your comments and helping put this in perspective I'm going to take her play clothes at home time, explain to the Mom my crazy, sleep deprivation, over reaction at what's happened.

Bear in mind this post was also made within 20 minutes of finding out.

I know I'm a strict Mom however if DD or friends parent had told us then I would not have reacted as I did.

OP posts:
RumourOfAHurricane · 14/07/2009 11:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MissyBellatrix · 14/07/2009 11:37

By the way, your DD claimed she "forgot"? Or did she know full well you'd go mad and decided not to tell you? Can you imagine the conversation in her head "OMG, Mum'll go mad, hope she doesn't notice when she does my hair" then sweating it out (for all you know) all week hoping you wouldn't notice?

Like I said, you get good at keeping secrets/avoiding telling parents things because of these reactions... you also get good at worrying. Not saying your DD is/has, she may have forgotten genuinely - but just a thought from one who's been there...

tallulahbelly · 14/07/2009 11:38

How do you know it was chewing gum?

Might it have been a cigarette she was given and put behind her ear to save for later?

Maybe being an inexperienced smoker - she's only 8, after all - she forgot to stub it out properly first.

I think this needs closer investigation.

You say you're new here and this is your first post?

Original poster
MamaHarman3 · 14/07/2009 11:39

Thanks MissyBellatrix

OP posts:
RumourOfAHurricane · 14/07/2009 11:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

seeker · 14/07/2009 11:39

Respect! (as my 13 year old would say). your dd will be so pleased that you've relented and, as a side effect, she will learn that it's OK to get things a bit wrong sometimes and then put it right.

Have a lovely day!

MissyBellatrix · 14/07/2009 11:41

X posts MH3. Agree on grounding for leaving gate open, after being told. That's a safety measure with big consequences. But gum etc... c'mon...

Chaotica · 14/07/2009 11:45

a happy ending...

Original poster
MamaHarman3 · 14/07/2009 11:53

Thank you everyone, feel absolutely awful and going to school now to put it right!

OP posts:
MorningTownRide · 14/07/2009 11:55

Rarely is there a happy ending on AIBU.

S'nice innit?

morningpaper · 14/07/2009 11:55

Oh don't feel awful

I exploded at mine yesterday for not eating risotto

I basically told them they would get swine flu if they didn't eat and then sent them to bed hungry

Well I wasn't quite that bad but...well I was a bit

Greensleeves · 14/07/2009 11:58

DON'T feel awful!

you have taken advice, changed your position and are going to do something about it

you should feel FANTASTIC about that

Tortington · 14/07/2009 12:01

i think you should go round and smack the woman in the chops. how very dare she

seriously well done on change of heart - i can't see that there was anything to get het up about

Stretch · 14/07/2009 12:05

@ MP!!!!

springlamb · 14/07/2009 12:06

I should be very careful before going ballistic to the parents.
Because I am seeing a scenario where your dd might have been going ballistic at the prospect of you finding out she had had unauthorised gum. And the parents, in an effort to save this poor girl from her tyrannical parents, have done what they could to placate your dd.
I would not ground my dd over this. I would say 'go forth, dear dd, with that chunk of hair missing, and hear all your mates laughing about your funny hairdo all summer. And learn your lesson - no gum'.

[Recalls various instances of small people cutting their own fringes, tipping glue on their own heads etc]

GetOrfMoiLand · 14/07/2009 12:09

Welcome to mumsnet lol!

A lot of posters would have taken to the hills after this reaction from their first post.

Sleep deprivation is a terrible thing...

SarahL2 · 14/07/2009 12:14

It takes a big person to admit they were wrong. Good on you Mama!!

Now go and put things right...

I suspect the annoyance of having a funny bit of short hair for the next few months will do more to put your DD off chewing gum than a grounding ever would. Maybe just bring it up every now and again while you do her hair to remind her

Original poster
MamaHarman3 · 14/07/2009 12:29

Just got back from school and she was ever so pleased and I feel loads better - although still need to catch up on a whole lotta sleep!

OP posts:
NeedaNewName · 14/07/2009 13:04

Mama - we all if we're honest can over react qat the time (I know I do) just glad you were able to put it in perspectve and all has calmed down.

Don;t question yourself as a mother, just take a deep breath!

NanaJo · 14/07/2009 14:23

Honestly, YABU. I would have done the exact same thing, taking as little hair as I possibly could. I would have told the parents about it, but in the aftermath of a busy party, it must have slipped her mind. I doubt there was any real malice or attemmpt to hide anything here at all! Your Dd may not have told you because she was afraid she'd get into trouble. To not allow your little girl to go to her friend's house over something so trivial is not setting a good example of human acceptance and forgiveness, in my opinion. Have a word with the Mum, but keep it light. Perhaps say something like, "We don't allow Dd to have gum because she seems to end up with it in her hair for some reason." Laugh, and then tell her your Dd had a lovely time at the party. Remember, hair grows back. In the scheme of things this really is very minor. (Sorry, if I come across as overly harsh.)

RenagadeMum · 14/07/2009 14:26

Well done MamaHarman...a gracious IABU!!