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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

If I tell my husband I'm not going on holiday next week he should believe me?

56 replies

flossie64 · 13/07/2009 17:36

We are booked to go to Euro disney next week, but I cannot go . I am on the edge of falling to pieces and cannot face doing that happy smiley family thing . Everything is piling up and I will fall off the edge if I go.
I told him to still go and take my daughter with him ,as I would be better on my own.
I really feel thats what would be best, but I know when he phones tonight he will try and placate me. Giving in and gong is dafinsately not on the cards.

OP posts:

Original poster

flossie64 · 13/07/2009 18:35

The only way I will not have to do the park thing is if I stay here.
I won't drink when i'm like this cos I don't think the answer lies in the bottom of a bottle and thats where I think I would end up. My mother drank a lot,so I don't.

OP posts:

ItsAllaBitNoisy · 13/07/2009 18:37

flossie I went to Disneyland Paris this year. It is seriously not my kind of thing. I really thought I would hate it, but I actually loved it. It is very sweet.

But I know that is not your issue, you are depressed and need to maybe see your GP?

I know the bed/locked door feeling all too well. Talk to your husband, he needs to be around more at the moment. It is, in my opinion, urgent that he is close to you right now.

Maybe show him this thread?

ItsAllaBitNoisy · 13/07/2009 18:39

If you decided you were able to go, I would be happy to recommend what/where to go that isn't too hectic.

AnnieLobeseder · 13/07/2009 18:42

flossie - I can totally understand where you're coming from. A week off from looking after everyone else with the house to myself would be bliss!

No one can make you go...

But I have to say I like the idea of staying by myself in the hotel too! The same way no one can make you go on holiday, no one can make you do the theme park thing! Who know, maybe if you make a deal that you get left totally alone for 3 days to do your own thing during the day, you'll join them in the park on the 4th day. Perhaps by then you'll feel up to it. And if you explain to DD that her job is to find the coolest rides to show you on that 4th day, she'll have an important job to do and will be keeping you in mind while you're apart, so maybe she won't mind you not coming along for those 3 days.

Just a thought...

blinder · 13/07/2009 18:43

Flossie it does seem that there is more to this than just the holiday.

How long have you been feeling like this? Have you considered that you may have some depression? Wanting to hide away and feeling overwhelmed really sounds like depression to me.

Whatever you decide about France, maybe you could talk to your GP or look at this charity to find out whether that is what you are going through.

I've had depression myself and recovered.

I really hope you begin to feel much better soon.

Northernlurker · 13/07/2009 18:46

Please speak to somebody outside your family tomorrow about this. This is not a normal way to be feeling and staying alone in the house is not going to fix it.

rookiemater · 13/07/2009 18:53

Agree with blinder and Northernlurker. I would suggest going to your GP for some help.

If I was your DH I would be very upset if I was away from my DW for work for long periods and then she didn't want to go on holiday. I would find it hard to understand and might jump to incorrect conclusions.

Therefore for the sake of your marriage and your health please go and see your GP.

englishpatient · 13/07/2009 18:55

It's only my opinion, but some of the posters seem to be making a huge issue about this; I can fully understand why you would like a week to yourself at home. As long as you will feel happy and not depressed on your own, I don't see why you shouldn't be able to do this! Everyone needs time to themselves, but some people much more than others.

Original poster

flossie64 · 13/07/2009 19:04

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and ideas. I expected everyone to say I was totally unreasonable, and flame me, i'm very surprised.
I have had depression and recovered from it, This feels totally different.
My husband just phoned , and as I said he would do said "it will be fine".
Told me also to go to the GP, then in the next breath told me, that the wife of the bloke that works for him ,has swine flu.
That conversation says it all really! So just said I'm going and hung up.
It is awful for him, but I can't take on that as well.
I'm going to bed now as my daughter has already gone.
Good night x

OP posts:

allaboutme · 13/07/2009 19:07

It IS quite a big issue though.
A lot of us would like a week alone to ourselves, but to cancel a family holiday at a weeks notice and lose all the money for her place, upset her DD and DH - there has to be something quite wrong!
It really isnt a normal reaction to say you 'can't' go on a holiday and that you will become suicidal if you do go.

OP - You really need to go see a Dr about this. You seem very depressed and you will benefit a LOT from some proper help.
I hope you get the help you need.

Northernlurker · 13/07/2009 19:18

Ok the fact that you've got your six year old in bed by 7.04 and are heading off that way yourself raises a major red flag with me as well. It really isn't normal for an adult to need to go to bed that early. Please get some help. Your dh doesn't seem to be getting this - but he is right you should see your GP tomorrow.

Seabright · 13/07/2009 19:24

I can understand you not wanting to go. I've just been away, only for 4 days, and, in retrospect, I'd rather have stayed at home. Even better, I'd have liked some time to myself.

Basically, going on holiday with a baby it seems to me you have to do exactly the same stuff, but in a less convieniant location, and without all the stuff around you that you normally have. Where's the fun in that?

My DP often goes out for whole or part days at the weekend to do his own thing, and I've told him that when it's my turn (when is that exactly?), I'm just going to drive the car to the top of the road and sit there, read the paper and sleep. Without any interuptions, nappies, feeding etc. I'm not sure if he realises I'm serious

But, if you don't go, will you regret it later? Only you can decide that.

mumeeee · 13/07/2009 20:23

I'm sorry that you are feeling down. I think that you should talk to your DH and your daughter would notice that you weren't there. Could you go and have sometime with your DH and DD and sometime on your own,

saintmaybe · 14/07/2009 09:26

But maybe it would be better if more of us did listen to our instincts and did what we wanted/ needed without feeling that we can't because we'd lose the money for the holiday/ upset someone/ it would look odd.

I don't know what's the best thing for you, flossie, how on earth could I?

but it's clearly not working for you at the moment and you feel you need to do it differently. You do sound sad and a bit panicky.

But I don't think you can discount the possibility that you're actually right about needing some time alone. It's not that outrageous.

saintmaybe · 14/07/2009 09:27

did you speak to him?

How was it?

How are you this morning?

onthepier · 14/07/2009 09:32

I agree, having been to Eurodisney, (I loved it btw so I'm different), I can tell you the hotels are lovely, nice swimming pools, areas where you can enjoy a quiet coffee, spas, nice places to shop (if you fancy it), you could have a relaxing time yourself if your dh is prepared to do all the disney stuff with your dd.

mrspnut · 14/07/2009 09:45

Oh Flossie, you sound so fed up.

I don't have your email address and you haven't got CAT enabled so I can't contact you but if you'd like to go for a coffee and a blether then get in touch.

I'm free today or on thursday this week, on holiday next week but back the week after. Even if we meet up during the holidays with the kids, I'll get my big one to entertain all the others.

You can get me on mrspnutisnuts at googlemail dot com and I'll email you my mobile number.

Original poster

flossie64 · 14/07/2009 11:08

I did speak to him on the phone, I told him I was not going. I am taking my daughter down to him on Friday and then coming back home.
It will be a relief not to go ,but i am still left with all the things that I normally have to do this week, and get both of their stuff packed ,take pets to boarding , get supplies for guineas,get extra drinks & snacks for while him+her are away,do sports day,and school disco.(where they had assumed I would be helping! but they hadn't actually asked)
Oh and my husband said , you will need to wash the car and cut the grass before you leave.
After thinking about it more overnight , I think I just totally fed up of being the one in my house who organises and then does everything.It has got so much worse since he worked away.
when we were in the same place,we shared jobs,cooked together ,or took turns at least, now even if he makes a cuppa he never even asks if anyone else needs one.
Its my time to be selfish and he will have to cope for a change . I'm so fed up of it I don't even feel like taking his clothes to him, why the f**k should I when he could have taken them himself.
Mrspnut -thats very kind of you ,i will see how I get on and maybe see you later in the hols.

OP posts:

saintmaybe · 14/07/2009 11:19

Well done.

Your relationship with your husband, and the pattern of doing everything for everyone, doesn't sound like it's working for you.

Why do you have to do sports day/ school disco? do you have other dcs?

Do you think you NEED to wash the car and cut the grass?

If not...

Take this week to practice saying 'no'. It's not good to get into a state where it's so unfamiliar, and you're so taken for granted, that it causes you this amount of stress to just do what you want.

Life is too short.

And do make some time, soon after they get back, to tell your dh what you need and want in your life.

Devongirl · 14/07/2009 11:40

Flossie, glad to hear you spoke to him and that you've made your decision, now you just have to try and use the week to try and calm down, you sound so stressed.

I totally agree with saintmaybe - why do you need to do all those things? The car does not need washing and if you're there next week on your own you'll have plenty of time to cut the grass IF YOU FEEL LIKE IT.

Is there any chance of DH's job moving back to near you, or you moving so you can live with him again? A marriage can't work if you're living totally separate lives but I'm sure you love each other and might have to make big changes to get the marriage back on track.

You sound very isolated where you live now, and DD is only 6 so it's not impossible for you to move is it? I know that under such stress it's impossible to make good decisions but maybe it's something to think about during next week? Just keep talking to DH and if he won't listen properly then make him!

screamingabdab · 14/07/2009 12:39

flossie I wish you well. I think that, having made your decision, it could be a good thing for you. Maybe use the time to do a few things you never get to do - like going to the cinema, going for a swim, reading lots of magazines.....

Like others have sad, I think this is more about you wanting to send a clear signal to your husband that the set-up is not suiting you, that just being about the holiday.

I think you could go and find a way of enjoying it, but maybe you needed to make this big gesture at the moment.

Hopefully you will be pleased to see your DD when she gets back. I know what it's like to feel so bogged down that you no longer enjoy being with your children.

You sound so down x

DrunkenDaisy · 14/07/2009 12:50

Book yourself a cheap week somewhere hot and relax.

Tell your DH it's non-negotiable.

I totally hear what you're saying.

scaryteacher · 14/07/2009 14:11

Flossie - I know that weekending is very difficult and that sometimes you just feel overwhelmed by it all; having been in your shoes for several years. Mine is dark blue, not light blue.

Can you not move and get a quarter where dh is? I know again, it is a huge upheaval, but I did it three years ago, and haven't regretted it at all. Living together again has helped, and improved ds's relationship with dh enormously (ds used to get jealous when dh came home). I completely understand about the disconnect between your lives, been there as well; but I reminded dh that he wasn't 'Sir' when he walked in the door, but a dh and a Dad.

Take the time for you; let dh deal with your dd, and then he might just begin to understand what you deal with during the week.

Original poster

flossie64 · 14/07/2009 18:12

Scaryteacher ,we have applied for an MQ again. there is a huge waiting list , I know dh is not making this up, as I called dhe myself. I even said I would take a grade 4 instead of a grade 3 ,to try and broaden the chance of a house. The problem is they are in even shorter supply, unless i am willing to go to an area that I know other people have moved to and are desparate to leave because of anti social behavior,thefts and vandalism! Not what I want to deal with now.
He has spoken with the poster numerous times since I put a rocket up his arsetold him to,all to no avail.
So I am at the behest of the powers that be

OP posts:

Devongirl · 15/07/2009 09:26

flossie, I don't know how it works in the forces but if there aren't any MQs available can't you move to rent somewhere privately nearby to him so that you can live as a family? If you haven't any ties where you are it seems the best option to me, maybe I am over simplifying things, I don't know x

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