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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed at my parents

44 replies

arolf · 13/07/2009 10:28

I was talking to them last night, and they asked when I'd be visiting them next. They live about a 7 hour drive away.

As I'm 30 weeks pregnant, and am working full time, I said I probably wouldn't make it before the baby is due, as I like to spend my weekends recovering from the week - I went out for a few hours on Saturday, and it totally wiped me out, so I think the next few weeks will be much the same if not worse. Plus which, I still haven't got ANYTHING ready for the baby, and have antenatal classes for 2 weekends in August.

My father then got very angry, and told me it wouldn't kill me to drive up to their house on a Saturday and back down on a sunday, as he has done it before when he was recovering from flu, and my mother used to do it 'all the time' when she was expecting me. I asked mum if this was the case, and she said no, absolutely not, but couldn't I just take the train. They repeatedly said I was being pathetic to use pregnancy as an excuse not to visit, and actually couldn't I just go on the august bank holiday weekend (I'll be 37 weeks then FFS!). They also told me I'll be a crap mother if I can't cope with a bit of sleep deprivation now, and they are going to laugh when I 'go crying to them' if the baby doesn't sleep well.

I'm a bit pissed off at this as a) mum wasn't working when she was expecting me, and b) that was 28 years ago, so I think she may have forgotten just how knackering it can be to be up and down to the toilet every 2 or 3 hours during the night, plus not being able to get comfortable at all, plus working a full 40 hour week (plus commute).

Am I just being a bit precious do you think, or am I justified in saying I really can't go and visit them?

OP posts:

MamaLazarou · 13/07/2009 10:30

YANBU

They are being very unreasonable and unkind.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 13/07/2009 10:30

YANBU! You are totally justified. Why can't they come and see you instead if it's such an issue?

traceybath · 13/07/2009 10:33

YANBU.

They sound awful - are they always like that?

redskyatnight · 13/07/2009 10:33

They sound like my parents. Set some ground rules NOW. it will be 100 times worse when baby arrives (then you will be accused of "keeping our grandchild" from us if you don't "pop" down to visit every couple of minutes or so).

YANBU - can't they come and visit you?

Lizzylou · 13/07/2009 10:33

YANBU, why are they being so unpleasant and awkward?
Are they always this insensitive?

I went on a weekend away (4 hour drive) when I was about 27weeks and ended up with ankles the size of an elephant's.

Blackduck · 13/07/2009 10:36

How supportive of them . I would flatly refuse to go to see them after what they have said to you! Do what you need to do - it is you that is pregnant, you know how you feel and what is or isn't possible/viable/reasonable. don't debate it with them

oodlesofpoodles · 13/07/2009 10:37

YANBU. My ds2 is 4 months now and I have forgotten how hideous pregnancy is so after 28 years there is no way you can remember. I drove 2.5 hours to my parents when I was about 30 weeks and it was awful. I had to go and lie on the floor of a little chef. There is a lot more to being a parent than coping with sleep deprivation such as not being mean to your dd by putting unrealistic demands on her or laughing if her newborn doesn't sleep through from 1 day old.

weblette · 13/07/2009 10:38

Yanbu - and agree with redskyatnight, it may get worse unless you put your foot down now.

bellavita · 13/07/2009 10:39

How nasty and selfish of them. Why can't they come down and see you?

kitsmummy · 13/07/2009 10:39

good lord, they sound like total arseholes!

Momdeguerre · 13/07/2009 10:40

YANBU - I would not fancy 14 hrs in a car over a weekend when not pg!!

If they are so desperate to see you then why don't they visit you - and maybe offer some help? Support??

I hope they are not going to expect you to make the same drive with a newborn??

Original poster

arolf · 13/07/2009 10:41

oh thank god - I thought I was being an awful daughter! went to bed in tears last night, and my fiance spent half an hour trying to calm me down! shall blame it on hormones L

they are acting really oddly - super excited about baby one minute, insensitive and rude the next. I think my grandmother was the same to them when I was on the way, which makes it even odder.

Oh, and they have always thought that they do things the right way, and anyone who disagrees is totally wrong, which was fine when I used to agree with them all the time, but I don't anymore! And my dad is annoyed at me because his colleague recommended I use a certain website for parenting tips, and I typed in the address wrong (swapped 'mums' and 'net' around by mistake) and ended up here. Seriously. almost amusing...

OP posts:

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 13/07/2009 10:41

Totally NBU. They sound horrid! I agree it'll be worse when baby arrives. Stand your ground and be strong. Your priority is to you and baby now.

Good luck with it all x

llareggub · 13/07/2009 10:44

You might want to consider telling them that your midwife has strongly advised against a long journey.

thirtysomething · 13/07/2009 10:46

YANBU they are being VU!!! They sound very controlling and actually a bit bullying to me. Surely they should be far more concerned for your safety and your baby's safe arrival than their own needs? To be honest you definitely need to put your foot down now or this kind of nastiness will continue when the baby comes....I wonder if they're not subconsciously upset because they sense that one the baby is born you'll no longer put them first in the pecking order?

Sounds like they have trouble treating you as a grown adult with your own choices to make - they want to prove that they can still control you!!

ruddynorah · 13/07/2009 10:49

what?! drive 7 hours on saturday then stay over then 7 hours back on sunday. ffs. it was enough for me to do at each end of a week's holiday to newquay when i was about 18 weeks. afterwards i actually thought i wish we'd gone for 2 weeks as we lost a day to travelling each way. NO WAY in a MILLION YEARS would i do that journey over a weekend, and i'm now 24 weeks.

Overmydeadbody · 13/07/2009 10:50

YANBU

It is up to you and you alone whether or not you visit other people on your weekends, regardless of whether or not they are your parents it is still your choice and they need to respect that.

Overmydeadbody · 13/07/2009 10:50

I wouldn't do a 14hr round trip drive on a weekend either, and I'm not pregnant.

LaurieFairyCake · 13/07/2009 10:52

I think the bigger question is why would you EVER want to visit uncaring wankers like that.

NoBiggy · 13/07/2009 10:52

Has anyone told them that the road works just as well in the other direction?

I don't want to insult your parents, OP, so I shall just stop typing now!

JoesMummy09 · 13/07/2009 10:53

They are being VVV U.

My mother banned me from my grandmother's funeral because it would be a 3 hr train journey and I would be 36 wks pregnant. She was just so worried that I didn't protest much (also DG had had Alzheimers for 10 yrs so had said goodbye).

Thank goodness you ended up here! Perfect antidote to a bit of emotional blackmail

giveloveachance · 13/07/2009 10:53

They should come visit you if they want! No way would I want to sit for 7 hours in a car at 30 weeks! way to uncomfortable, far too many toilet stops needed, just no way!!!

try and clear the air with them and suggest they come up for a weekend. you will feel better for it, you dont need this sort of tension with only a couple months to go.

you are not being unreasonable.

Baisey · 13/07/2009 10:55

YADNBU. We've just done a drive up to Scotland for our holiday and that took 6ish hours, it was hell on earth and im only 18 weeks pregnant!
If they want to see you so bad tell them to pull their finger out and drive down themselves, remind your dad that he did it when recovering from the flu so now that he is fit and healthy it should be a doddle.
On a seperate note I also mixed up the "mums" and "net" when doing a search, was probably for the best, but im currently seeking medical attention for my addiction

weblette · 13/07/2009 11:00

There are some fab people on here with experience of manipulative parents arolf, might be worth looking at some of the stuff on relationships.

Trikken · 13/07/2009 11:20

Yanbu they are being well harsh and not thinking about you at all. As others have said they should come down to you at this time, especially if it is so important to them that they see you before the birth. I think some people can be very unsympathetic about pregnancy, but it can be very hard on you being pregnant and they should realise that you will have limitations on what you are able to do at this time.

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