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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed at my parents

44 replies

arolf · 13/07/2009 10:28

I was talking to them last night, and they asked when I'd be visiting them next. They live about a 7 hour drive away.

As I'm 30 weeks pregnant, and am working full time, I said I probably wouldn't make it before the baby is due, as I like to spend my weekends recovering from the week - I went out for a few hours on Saturday, and it totally wiped me out, so I think the next few weeks will be much the same if not worse. Plus which, I still haven't got ANYTHING ready for the baby, and have antenatal classes for 2 weekends in August.

My father then got very angry, and told me it wouldn't kill me to drive up to their house on a Saturday and back down on a sunday, as he has done it before when he was recovering from flu, and my mother used to do it 'all the time' when she was expecting me. I asked mum if this was the case, and she said no, absolutely not, but couldn't I just take the train. They repeatedly said I was being pathetic to use pregnancy as an excuse not to visit, and actually couldn't I just go on the august bank holiday weekend (I'll be 37 weeks then FFS!). They also told me I'll be a crap mother if I can't cope with a bit of sleep deprivation now, and they are going to laugh when I 'go crying to them' if the baby doesn't sleep well.

I'm a bit pissed off at this as a) mum wasn't working when she was expecting me, and b) that was 28 years ago, so I think she may have forgotten just how knackering it can be to be up and down to the toilet every 2 or 3 hours during the night, plus not being able to get comfortable at all, plus working a full 40 hour week (plus commute).

Am I just being a bit precious do you think, or am I justified in saying I really can't go and visit them?

OP posts:

Firawla · 13/07/2009 11:30

Yanbu
if they act like that i dont see why you would particularly want to put yourself into difficulty to go and see them anyway!

Pyrocanthus · 13/07/2009 11:33

Wow. YANBU at all.

Pity they can't come to you and help you get your house ready for the baby or take you out to Mothercare.

What are your/their plans for after the baby is born? If they are planning to spend much time with you then, you might want to think seriously now about how much help they're likely to be when you're even more tired and they're telling you how to look after your baby.

zeke · 13/07/2009 11:40

YANBU!

They are definately being selfish, manipulative and unkind.

I find it very difficult when MIL compares her time as a mum to young childen (5 yrs apart!) when she didn't work at all, her husband had a standard 40 hr week and her mum helped her loads to myself and SIL. She really hasn't got a clue how easy she had it! Even now she refers to herself as 'working in the home' rather than retired (never returned to work) and makes a big issue out of the simple chores she does (that we do whilst working and looking after children, too)!.

My parents can be a bit selfish, too, with regard to expectation of visits whilst making no effort themselves. I don't think this is unusual though taking to friends!

Is there a reason why they cannot come and visit you? If not, invite them down. Perhaps paying for them to stay in a nearby B & B may save your sanity further, too.

Original poster

arolf · 13/07/2009 11:42

thanks so much everyone! you've made me feel so much better!

they did come down to visit at the beginning of June (for my phd graduation), although whinged about how expensive it was to start with. My mother has said she will be visiting immediately after the baby is born, so we'll see what happens then. I'm fairly good at selectively ignoring them normally, it's just I'm feeling a bit vulnerable and feeble right now. Luckily my fiance is being amazing, and couldn't be more helpful at the moment - cooking, cleaning, driving anywhere I want to go - so I don't need my parents. I think whoever said they are worried about losing control of me and me not putting them first anymore has probably hit the nail on the head.

OP posts:

plimple · 13/07/2009 11:45

Definitely not unreasonable. I'm about the same amount pregnant as you and haven't been home (6 hour drive) since Easter. I'll be spending 3 weeks there in August for a holiday. I prefer to go less frequently but for longer as I don't think a 12 hour round trip is manageable for just a weekend.

rolledhedgehog · 13/07/2009 11:55

They better get used to feeling annoyed because there is no way you are going to want to travel 7 hours there and back with a baby very often (perhaps at all!). With all the stops for feeding it would take all day!

ben5 · 13/07/2009 12:24

get skype.then they can see you over the weekend and when baby turns up they can see baby to. they get to see you with but without you having to drive anywhere. just make sure you keep getting up to do loo breaks and remind them you are glad you are not driving as the journey would of been so long.

gorionine · 13/07/2009 12:33

YANBU!

I second the skype idea! My parents live abroad and it definitely makes the distance more bearable for all of us!

We do go for long drives for the week end at other family members but NOT whith a pregnancy this far advanced, that would freak me out as well!

Original poster

arolf · 13/07/2009 12:35

I was talking to them on skype yesterday was great to get the comment from my mother 'you're not quite as fat as I thought you'd be by now, but remember to be careful not to let your breasts get too big, or you won't be able to breastfeed!'

God, reading all this back, they sound like loons. don't they?!

OP posts:

Tee2072 · 13/07/2009 12:38

Nothing made me angrier when I was pregnant (DS is 1 month and 2 days) then when people said 'if you think you're tired now, how will you cope with a newborn?!?'

Its not the same kind of tired in any way shape or form.

If they want to see you so bad, they can come to you.

gorionine · 13/07/2009 12:38

Maybe an incy bit!

StealthPolarBear · 13/07/2009 12:45

No chance. At 37 weeks you might go into labour at any point anyway - would you really want to be 7 hours away from home! Can't believe they'd even consider it. I am 31 weeks pg and will be driving down to see a friend in 2 weeks - it's just under 2 hours. I think that's quite a big deal and definitely wouldn't go any further / later in my pregnancy.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 13/07/2009 13:06

YANBU - I certainly wouldn't do the trip over a weekend when not pregnant!

We've got around this little gem with my mum by asking her to host an open house after the baby is born. We're only facing a 3hr journey to/from so not nearly so problematic but have said no to a trip down in August when I'm due DC1 on 12th Sept.

We're putting our feet down quite firmly at the mo. I think this might be better because if we change our mind to 'yes' later, that's a nice surprise rather than ringing to cancel.

Now... don't get me started on Christmas visiting!!!

Greensleeves · 13/07/2009 13:09

They sound very, very selfish

and very childish

You can't have them whining and clinging and blackmailing you now, you have your own child to think of.

You have to put your foot down (clamly and rationally, of course!) and do what you know is best. And their proposal is bloody ridiculous.

So sorry they are prats

troutpout · 13/07/2009 13:18

they sound like complete loons
and rather mean too

Concentrate on your own family...your dp and your future little one. Set the ground rules now..otherwise it will be a nightmare

sweetss · 13/07/2009 13:24

a 7 hours drive would have been exhausting for me at 30 weeks no way you can recover from that in one day (plus you would have to drive back down the next day, wouldn't you?). and now at 38 weeks it would simply kill me. i would absolutely not do it over the bank holiday weekendwhy take the risk of delivering your baby somewhere along the way?

loobylu3 · 13/07/2009 13:28

They are being horribly selfish. 7 hours drive is too much at a late stage of pregnancy and back again the following day! If they want to see you so much, why don't they come to you?
I was also 'banned' from my grandmother's funeral as it was on my due date with DC2 and we living on the Isle of Wight at the time. I was a bit upset but knew they were right really! Would have been by myself on the ferry except for a 2.5 year old!

HerBeatitudeLittleBella · 13/07/2009 13:35

My god they sound horrible.

How shocking to treat your pregnant daughter so badly.

Don't let them try and bully you.

OrmIrian · 13/07/2009 13:35

No you are not

They are being so unkind. Are they normally like this?

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