to expect my doula to keep in touch with me?

[disappointedwithd]

I have namechanged. I will try and keep it short. I used a doula for the birth of my DS in February. I had a fantastic experience (a big part was due to the doula).

I then used the same doula for extra help with my 3 other DC, she did school run for a few weeks, washing, tidied around etc. She was a big help. I thought I was a good client, often told her to go early, was happy for her to bring her own DC (post -natally), paid promptly, gave her a lovley thank you presant etc etc.

Anyway I have emailed her a couple of times since she left, just chit chat to see how she and her family are and she has never come back to me. I feel very sad, AIBU? After all I invited her to the one of the most intimate experiences of my life - is the odd email too much to ask?

Well yes you paid her, but being a doula is about much more than that

All the doulas I have ever used have been in touch over the years, birthday's christmas cards etc.

It is hard to 'let go' of a doula because a good doula makes you feel so very special, makes you feel valued and important and they are there for a very private time in your life, a very special one.

Hopefully she will get in contact soon.
So my verdict is YANBU

I guess she could have dozens if not hundreds of clients and it would be really hard to maintain contact with everyone.
However I would expect a friendly two-liner if nothing else.
Perhaps her computer is broken or you are mistakenly going into her spam folder or something.
I really doubt it is her not liking you. EVEN IF she didn't like you (which is improbable) she would still return your email for professional reasons so I expect something practical is preventing her.

If she was happy to do the post-natal work as well as ante-natal and birth, she can't dislike you. She could have avoided that part very, very easily - been too busy elsewhere, with another client, focused on her own dc, the excuses would have been so simple to find. So I suspect a spam filter issue.

I also don't think you sound like you're expecting her to be your best friend - just to stay in gentle and occasional email contact. I think that's understandable, and actually also in her professional interests, so I imagine, as Lulumama says, it's a mix-up.

It must be hard being a doula in some ways, though - imagine all the people who see you as so central to their memories of that unique and special time in their lives, when to the doula, they're a job. I'm sure a wonderful job most of the time, and every job is taken seriously, but still, it isn't her babies being born, and every birth is also just one more of dozens she's involved in. It must demand a huge amount, emotionally speaking. Hard balance to strike.

She could just be like me and totally useless at getting around to answering her emails

I could have written this two years ago after the birth of DD2 with an amazing doula as a birth supporter.

It took me months to work out that I was 'one of many' to her & that, although I might wish her to be my friend on an ongoing basis (greatly admired & respected her), there was actually no mutual desire for that to happen. We see each other very very occasionally in other contexts & I reduced my expectations of her hugely, without ever discussing it or contacting her. Just reflected on my need to remain in contact versus her possible & probable take on things.

I'm now much calmer about things & really happy that I experienced her assistance & presence at all. I value having known her in that context - an amazing time - but if that's all it ever is, that's OK!

A big stumbling block for me was a underlying feeling that I was grateful to her for the wonderful birth experience. Once I realised that it was me that put the support in place that I needed (whatever the birth outcome would have been), I took back the strength for myself that I had attributed to her. This made things easier in some strange way.

HTH, as others have said, she's probably just busy & moving on & would be delighted to receive a Christmas card but doesn't have the time to be a friend. She's busy being fab for someone else!

Good luck.

I doubt she is deliberately blanking you - a good reputation and positive word of mouth recommendations are essential to her business, she wouldn't want to upset a happy client.

Am I the only one who saw this thread and wondered what a doula was?

After reading it, I guess she is a sort of midwife, but have no idea what the difference between the two is.

Can anyone enlighten me?

[www.doula.org.uk

www.nurturingbirth.co.uk

amazing doula bla bla.......Barf!

Doula means 'slave' in Greek.

This has happened to me and I do feel sad too even though I know that she's moved on.

unavailable - a doula isn't medically trained and doesn't deliver the baby. She's a woman who's experienced in birth herself who can support a mother before, during and after the birth.

Doulas are great no barf at all.

why the barf? what an odd post

it might mean slave, but it was the highest ranking slave in teh house hold

Yes, sorry for the barf comment, I was in a very bad mood yesterday.

It's just that all this evangelising over one's birth winds me up a bit. So the woman helped deliver your baby. That's her job. Get over it.

Also I find the current fashion for having a 'doula' really midlle-class and annoying. And wanky.

Well DrunkenDaisy you are obviously entitled to your opinions but I had a horrific, over-medicalised birth with my ds and was convinced this time round I was getting my HB with dd. I hired my doula because I needed someone who knew about labour and births to advocate on my behalf to the mw's.

So you didn't want/need one - lucky you. Some of us need them, and we're not all MC. In fact AFAIK there is a hardship fund so that people who can't afford to have a doula may be able to get one at a reduced rate (correct me if i'm wrong lulu!!)

In response to the OP, YANBU, but Aitch is talking a lot of sense (as usual) - she is probably just busy/on call/broken computer etc.

Hardship fund for having a doula? Jesus.

Sorry, I'm nice usually. It's just that this particular topic winds me up a bit.

Anyway, sorry if I offended anyone.

Not sure I understand your problem with doulas, DD...

Maybe she has decided from past experiences that it is better professionally to keep in touch with her clients - and rather than reply and say this - which would be quite harsh, no matter how nicely she put it - she feels that simply not replying is a gentler way of doing it.

Duh - I meant NOT to keep in touch with her clients!

I don't know what my problem is. I think it just winds me up that the role of having support during your labour has been around for centuries - but now, people are giving it the new-fangled poncy term 'doula' which actually means 'slave' in Greek. (I am Greek btw). It all just seems so middle-class and precious.

In a couple of years time, people will probably be bored of 'doulas' and all the very special people will be paying 'pookies' or something to pretend to be their bosom-buddy.

Well, etymology aside, I think you've misunderstood exactly what a doula does, ie, to advocate for a woman in labour, and to communicate with medical staff when the woman herself may not be in a position to do so.

I - and most doulas i know - feel quite strongly that they shouldn't be needed, that mw's and medial staff should be able to communicate effectively with labouring women (and their partners) but unfortunately that just isn't the case in the UK at the moment. All too often, hospital protocol is put before the woman's needs, and a baby is born before they are ready, or women have over-medicalised births that just weren't necessary.

I think that your problem isn't with doulas per se, but with what you see as a "middle class" trapping of motherhood/birth? Along with Bugaboos and baby yoga? Am I right?

Yes you are right. Eloquently put, so thanks.

Apols again to anyone I've offended.