To Think We Are

[Aeschylus]

Heading for a generation where Relationships are Disposable

Dont get me wrong I am no Fuddy Duddy, I am not afraid of change, but having again meeting the 4th man in my DW's Sisters life, she has a 12 year old, how the hell is he ever going to grow up into a stable relationship when as soon as he gets close to another Step Dad they leave (not always the mans fault)

Having heard last night the saddest stastitic I have heard in a long while.

1 in 4 chrildren NEVER know their biological Father. 25% FFS

55% of chrildren no longer live with both their Biological Parents.

if you split or change partner whilst your Child is between the ages of 9 to 12 it does irrepable damage to the child.

I am stunned at those stats.

I have no problem with unsatisfactory relationships being disposed of. If they are truly unsatisfactory - not just going through the doldrums, or a bad patch. But I do have a problem with the way some children are just expected to put up with the new arrangements regarding their new 'daddy' or 'mummy' and siblings. I do think that is unfair. And parents do seem quite myopic at times regarding their children's welfare - because you are happy with your new Mr Right does not automatically mean that your children feel the same.

Its not just abusive relationships that are damaging to children. I dont think my parens marriage was abusive - just fraught. I suffer from extreme anxiety and really cannot cope with arguments, i can't even watch eastenders (not that i feel im missing much!) because the raised voices and arguments make me on edge.

It would have been absolutely better if my parents had split up. They might have both found partners who they could have been really happy with. Instead, i am left with the guilt that they lived an unhappy life because of me.They are not bad people, just not right for each other, but i realise now how damaging that was for me. No, they didn't jump into the relationship, they had been together for 20 years before they had me (i was a bit of a fertility miracle me!)

You are assuming a lot when you imply that parents who are not together gave up the first time they hit a sticky patch, you have no idea what the back story is, some of them will have run for cover, others will have put up with years of abuse before leaving, some will have done years of relate, some will have seperated and tried again and so on and so on.

Still more will have left at the first sign of trouble because the trouble is so bad that they have to get out straight away. Mandatory 6 months counscelling? A joke to end all jokes TBH and a soundbite to appeal to people like you who refuse to apply the sense they were born with incase it gets in the way of their judge fest. You should be aware that something like that will either never happen or will not be put into practical use simply because itis not practical, reasonable or realistic.

Since you like statistics,have you got any about children who live with violent fathers,alcoholics, gamblers...? Children who are scared to go home after school, who hide under the bed?

And do you think is good for children to watch their mum walking on eggshells? In many cases is better for the children to have one parent but happy and with dignity.

I once looked after a lady who had a serious degenerative disease. I wish I could remember the name, but I can't. It was genetic though. She asked her consultant how come she'd got it, as no-one else in her family was affected, he replied that her granny must have had an extra-marital dalliance, apparently not unusual.

'I am Niave, and I am sorry I do beleive it is better that a child is bought up by both parents.'

Of course it is especially when daddy beating up mummy is the childs bedtime lullaby.

oh the wright stuff, fountain of all knowledge that program!

DH's parents split when he was four (and his younger brother was 2.5) and it was a wretched, long, drawn-out affair that didn't end until he was 18 and his father no longer had to pay for anything - at which time his father sent him a letter detailing exactly the amount spent on him and mentioning that it was "how much he loved [DH]"

DH has a relationship with his father but there are MANY days when he wishes he didn't.

And yes, like others he is particularly obsessive about being a whole family unit and never ever making the choices that led his parents to split.

[not blaming the victims of DV at all, have been in an emotionally abusive relationship myself and in hindsight it's obv the red flags, but you know what they say about hindsight. IL's problem was more they rushed into marriage and then rushed into kids]

baskingseals, that consultant was full of shit. It is quite common, well relatively common for some genetic conditions not to manifest themselves within a family. These are recessive disorders which require two defective copies of a gene to be present to produce a disease state. This would have categorically not been caused by a grandparents extra marital daliances. She would have got one defective gene from her mum, and one from her dad, they would be asymptomatic because they only had one affected copy. There is only a 25% chance of inheriting a recessive disease from two carrier parents, and obviously no chance from a non affected parent. There is a 50% chance of being a carrier, so very unlikely that the condition would run in the family as one would expect with other genetic conditions.

Not entirely sure what this has to do with this thread though

baskingseals, that consultant was full of shit. It is quite common, well relatively common for some genetic conditions not to manifest themselves within a family. These are recessive disorders which require two defective copies of a gene to be present to produce a disease state. This would have categorically not been caused by a grandparents extra marital daliances. She would have got one defective gene from her mum, and one from her dad, they would be asymptomatic because they only had one affected copy. There is only a 25% chance of inheriting a recessive disease from two carrier parents, and obviously no chance from a non affected parent. There is a 50% chance of being a carrier, so very unlikely that the condition would run in the family as one would expect with other genetic conditions.

Not entirely sure what this has to do with this thread though

"but the thing is surely these kids are all going to grow up and ask "wheres my real daddy"

That statement is a crock of shit.
My dd met her bio father a couple of times. There has been no contact for 7 ish years now.
My dp is her real dad. He has been with us since she was 3. He has picked her up when she has fallen over, he was there for her first day at school, he rushed home from work when she broke her arm and needed surgery, he attends her school plays, parents evenings etc.
He also has parental responsibility for her in the eyes of the law and he loves her as much as he loves my dsd.
we have had ups and some fairly major downs, as many couples will have, neither of us are going anywhere.

Children will tend to have a curiosity about their biological roots as they grow up and mature, it doesn't have to be a negative experience for a child not to have one or even both of their biological parents living elsewhere/having no contact.
What really matters and what will shape a childs morals and happiness is the home that they grow up in. It doesn't have to be a conservative ideal to be a good home.

DH's Mother damaged him badly, its only now she has gone fromhis life that he is well again

had his dad taken the children fromher (she wouldnt ahev wanted them, they make mess children) he'd have escaped severe misery and decades of ill health

interesting thread...especially as people went into historical pasts...and indeed life was possibly not differemnt then...because of mortality/unwed moms forced into single mums homes, etc....

however, I can see op's point, too...because some stability is good...and no, doesn't mean staying in abusive relationship, etc...but it does mean to be very careful in introducing a new partner to Kids and being more certain about your relationship and putting your Kids first!

im one of that 25% and i have to say its really pissed me off, i dont even have a name ffs. ive a whole genetic side of me that ive no idea about and it does prey on my mind the older i get.
happily, my kids are one of those 55% who live with both, though i would never condone staying in an abusive relationship "for the sake of the children". its horses for courses. some kids are better off without and some wont be.

most parents surely aim to put their kids first?

also if parents do split up then provided they are both interested in welfare of DCs, and there's no violence/abuse involved, children will still be brought up by both parents albeit in different houses....

DS1 has never met his dad, and as I havent a clue where he is now, theres little chance he ever will. It does mean that DS1 has never been let down or disappointed by him, or made to feel sad. DS2's dad - well, he started off nice enough for the first few months, I got pregnant (unplanned) following which it was downhill all the way and I spent the next 7 years planning my escape. I dont think I gave up on the relationship too easily, my Dc are much happier & less stressed now they dont have to listen to Ex and I screaming at each other most nights, or me crying etc.

I do agree though about not introducing new partners to children immediately, I wouldnt intro anyone to my boys now unless I was really serious about them & it was well beyond the initial dating stage.

pickvic...my father has fathered possibly a lot more kids than anyone knows about...therefpr I think I was wise to marry a non german....at least incest is unlikely

I have a DD and me and her dad split when she was a baby, i am now married and her stepdad has been in her life since she was 18 months. I ended the relationship after months of trying to make it work and being unhappy and it making me ill. DD wouldnt eat and was unhappy too, we were both much happier apart and DD started eating properly. The reason i stayed so long was because i was under the allusion she would be happier with both parents together.
she sees her dad every weekend and we all get on very well. I can assure you she is a very happy and balanced child.
Yes i have to answer the questions as to why Daddy doesnt live with us and she would like us all to live together but i know she is much happier now then she ever would have been has we stayed together i can deal with those questions.

I do believe that there are people out there that dont try and just dispose of the relastionship when they have had enough however those people are few and far between, most women leave for the sake of the children not dispite them.

I have some sympathy with the OP. I had a client who said 'every time I've had sex, I've had a child'. he never used contraception. I don't understand that mentality or why there are women out there who allow this to happen.

and I think that is sad for the children.

But I certainly think there are lots of people who try very hard. I know I did. But after a couple of years of the same old misery I really couldn't see things changing and I wasn't about to sacrifice myself just to maintain some facade of nuclear family loveliness.

I think it's good if relationships are disposable.

Keeps everyone on their toes.

Why would anyone want to dispose of a relationship where the joy, love and respect outweighed the anxiety, stress and misery?

All of us can be dumped by our friends at any time. So we make damned sure we treat them with respect, look after them, are solicitous of them, and give as much as we take from them.

Not a bad recipe for other family relationships IMO.

My dc's live with 2 loving parents it is just that I am the only bio parent in the house. THey do see their dad, he has many many faults which is why after years of trying to make it work I left. One thing that did though was turn him into a better father as because now we have both moved about 88 miles apart and he finally has to make the effort to see them and spend time with them he has learnt to appreciate them more. They are far more secure and happier long term than they were wnd would have been had we stayed together and they actually know their father better than they did when he lived under the same roof.
They have 4 parents that love them now (2 being step parents) 2 wtep siblings that they love and an extra set of grandparents that came with the step parents. Each of these people nor bio family love them and care for them no differently thatn they do their own blood relations.

Yeah ok it's not the nuclear family but is it really so bad, they get all the love and emotional support they need, they still have routine and security and so fantstic role models which aren't necessarily bio relations but I think they are turning out pretty ok and they are happy and accepting of things just the way they are.

My parents have been married for over 30 years and probably shouldn't be. I reckon they stayed together for my sister and i but i sometimes wish they hadn't bothered.

We are suffering now as adults watching them 'struggle' and i actually sometimes wish my mum had the guts to walk away. She won't now of course it's too late.

So i think YABU. Relationships don't always work and you shouldn't try and force them to.

35% of children don't live with both birth parents actually, and 10% live in step families, leaving only 25% in single parent families/adoptive families/foster care/kinship care.

I don't know what the % of children is who never know their father, but if only 35% don't live with their father I do not believe that the majority of those have never known their fathers, in fact vastly the opposite.

Your stats are wrong and your conclusions are flawed. Your sister's behaviour does not define a generation.

I wonder how long the average marriage is now? I do think some hit a slightly rough patch and give up (and Im not talking about DV and other terrible things)
I do think people tried harder at relationships in the past as diviroce (sp?) was not accepted, but now its the norm.

I know my DH does not know his birth father and its has had a real impact on him, even though he had a "dad" raising him from 5 years.

"if you split or change partner whilst your Child is between the ages of 9 to 12 it does irrepable damage to the child"
I would love to know the evidence for this, because it is hard to believe this could be backed up. What was the nature of the study that produced this stat? Because it sounds like junk science to me. How do they define irreparable damage?