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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect this friendship to end?

57 replies

mrsruffallo · 09/07/2009 15:38

Do you think that it's possible to be friends with someone who has a completely different parenting style to your own?
I met up with a friend who I haven't seen for years recently. She has had a child who is now 3.
She uses stairgates, reins, the whole caboodle.
Poor kid can't run down the street or eat anything without washing hands first.

She used to be such a free spirit!
Am I wrong to feel differently about her?

OP posts:

HumphreyCobbler · 09/07/2009 16:15

I find it difficult to be around one of my friends now we are parents due to the fact that she is a very shouty kind of mum who tells her child off vehemently for things I would just ignore. The problem is that I think she is judging me for NOT doing so. I don't know if there is any truth in that though, probably it is my imagination.

LittleMissBliss · 09/07/2009 16:17

What's the problem with stairgates and reins?

Ds had reins when he first learnt to walk and din't really understand the importance of holding my hand. he's 20m now and hasn't had reins for a while but he doesn't bolt and is a good walker.

We also had a stairgate at the top of the stairs, surely normal unless you are able to watch your child 247? He's learnt how to open it so we removed it a few weeks ago as we feel he's sensible enough now. But he has had a few wobbles so has reverted to going down the stairs backwards.

I wouldn't not be friends with a person because they didn't use stairgates or reins.

And washing hands surely that's normal too... i wash his hands before meals if i remember. But they get pretty gross at times and would be cruel not to.

SouthMum · 09/07/2009 16:39

I don't see the problem with reins and stairgates either. Wouldn't want my kid to fall down the stairs or run off anywhere.

Also whats wrong with trying to get your kid to wash their hands before they eat? Kids pick at their arses and all sorts, seems like a good habit to get into IMO.

imaynotbeperfectbutimokmummy · 09/07/2009 16:39

Humphriescorner - that would be a deal breaker for me too.

My dd did have reins but never really got on with them, just been lucky that we haven;t had to bother. My mum was a bit about this, but really - what does it matter, what works for one child wont work for another.

FioFio · 09/07/2009 16:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ReneRusso · 09/07/2009 16:58

YABU, everyone does things differently and you can learn from each other

Habbibu · 09/07/2009 16:59

Sounds like there's more to it than just stairgates and reins, tbh. And washing hands. Might be mildly irritating, but if you're looking for reasons for the friendship to end, I think they'd have to be a bit more substantial than that.

KIMItheThreadSlayer · 09/07/2009 17:21

Poor child can't full down stairs because of the stair gate

Poor child cant run in to the road because of the reins

Poor child might get less tummy bugs by washing hands before eating

I think YABU

junglist1 · 09/07/2009 19:04

Do you think there's a bit of disappointment that she's changed from how you remember? Sort of like the let down and the evidence of that (parenting style) combined to put you off a bit?

fattybumbum · 09/07/2009 19:34

I fell out with a friend of mine a while back over differences in parenting approaches. Her ideas were pretty far out and I felt that my son was learning more and more bad habits from her son eg her son was allowed to eat what he wanted and whenever (eg chocolate bar for breakfast)then mine would cry because I'd be the evil mother saying 'no'. It just got too stressful as I spent all my time trying to stop her son from attacking my child etc whilst she sat there happily saying that it was just typical children's behaviour. (Of course it's easy to be relaxed when it's your child doing the hurting, not getting hurt.)

It got to the point where I just couldn't relax in their company and was starting to feel deeply resentful that her parenting style was causing me so much stress. It all blew up one day; we had a massive argument and I called time on the friendship. A pity really as we probably would have been friends if not for the parenting thing but in the end I was harbouring secret urges to beat her child so better this way really...

Original poster

mrsruffallo · 10/07/2009 10:55

It's interesting fatty bumbum.I feel that she was quite nervous at some of the things I allowed my children to do and that made me feel a bit edgy.
I do wonder how far people can actually step back from styles that really clash with their own.
Anyway, thanks for all your replies. I will try to maintain the friendship,but maybe from a distant for a couple of years

OP posts:

ihavenosecrets · 10/07/2009 11:04

Of course the friendship will end. You don't sound as if you like her that much anyway.

ihavenosecrets · 10/07/2009 11:09

Sorry I didn't actually meant that you don't like her.

Since becoming a parent I don't feel that differences in personalities and the way that we do things are embraced anymore. It didn't feel like this pre kids. My old friends were all totally different from each other and nobody batted an eyelid but now it seems that if you don't all do things the same way you must be doing it wrong.

ihavenosecrets · 10/07/2009 11:11

mean not meant. Please ignore, I don't know what I'm rambling on about anyway.

JetLi · 10/07/2009 11:13

Boody hell - since when are stair gates the work of the devil when it comes to parenting? Have The Daily Mail been informed?

themildmanneredjanitor · 10/07/2009 11:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cory · 10/07/2009 11:18

I find being around people with different parenting techniques is useful training- useful for the parents that is. Because in a few years time, your dc will be picking his own friends and you can bet they won't have exactly the same rules and habits as yours. You need to grow a thick skin.

morningsun · 10/07/2009 11:23

OP it sounds as if you are 100% certain you are right,she is wrong

firstly you have no evidence for that

secondly you are judging her when she's not doing you any harm

for a free spirit you sound very close to a control freak yourself!

maybe she finds you hard work if you allow your dc to do anything she likes.

Also have you both just the one child each,or is she coping with others?

Oblomov · 10/07/2009 11:25

Agree with morning sun.
OP is not a free spirit.
OP is a controlfreak.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 10/07/2009 11:27

I wouldnt want to be your friend if I thought you were judging my parenting so much TBH..

cory · 10/07/2009 11:30

for a free spirit otoh reins are invaluable

you can really enjoy yourself up that mountain ledge if you have a means of hanging onto the whole family

not to mention interrailing across Europe- so tedious trying to track a toddler down all through the Hamburg Hauptbahnhof

expatinscotland · 10/07/2009 11:30

I'm happy to have friendships, real friendships, with people who have all different ways of thinking from mine. People who change over time. It happens. Some things I can't abide, like people who express racist, homophobic or similar ideas, who are abusive or subject their children to abuse or abusive situations, etc.

But man, how boring if you are friends only with people who think exactly how you do.

Yeah, YABU.

ItsGrimUpNorth · 10/07/2009 11:33

You're complaining that she doesn't give her kid the freedom to do what he/she wants but you don't want her to have the freedom to make her own parenting decisions without negativity from other people?

Weird. Unless it directly affects you or your children, what does it matter what she chooses to do with her child?

She's probably wondering about the friendship anyway......

MadameCastafiore · 10/07/2009 11:36

Oooohhhh I bet you knit your own yogurt and wear rainbow coloured long floaty skirts and all of your friends do the same!

Why on earth should your parenting be an issue if you are real friends. Real friends and grown ups would be able to discuss openly thier parenting styles and agree to disagree or learn from each other.

lou031205 · 10/07/2009 12:19

I have a friend who has very different parenting to me. She was following GF to the letter, even writing on her list for the day 'clean teeth'. She agonised over sleep to the point that she put her DD in a moses basket, in a travel cot, in a cot because she worried the transition would be difficult for her DD. Visitors were only allowed at certain times, meal times were exact. My DD slept in her cot at night, but during the day, she slept wherever she happened to fall asleep. She struggled with my parenting because it was flexible. But we both laugh.

I have learned to be direct with her (she is South African, and said that 'they' don't hold back on opinions) and just say 'No.' when she tells me what to do.

3.6 years on, I have 3 DC, she has 2. We see each other occasionally. Only last week she 'mentioned' tummy time for DD3 (13 weeks).

Her: Does DD3 have tummy time.
Me: Not a great deal, DD2 tends to squash her so I wait until she isn't around.
Her: Shall I go in and give her tummy time on the sofa? (We were in a complete stranger's house at a baby shower).
Me: No thanks.
Her: I wouldn't leave her.
Me: No, thanks.
Her: She might like it.
Me: No!

Doesn't stop us liking each other, we just have to accept that we are never going to agree on the finer details of parenting.

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